Monogamy Explored

[redpepper]

I think a mono person can do very well in a poly relationship if they have lots of other things going on in their lives to occupy their time. Maybe a date once in a while is enough, or a sleep over. It depends on what their needs are. Not everyone is looking for a full on love relationship complete with house, car, children, togetherness every moment... okay, that is extreme, but hopefully you get what I mean.

My good friend from highschool is mono and gets why it would work for her. She is a career woman and has dated a lot of men over the years. She is completely done with it as she hasn't found anyone that wants to be around her part time. She finds guys that have agendas about what their relationship should be like and it includes lots of time, being really involved in day to day life, eventually merging lives entirely... she just doesn't want that. She wants to be married to her career, not a man. She would be perfect for poly! But, alas, she wont' try it.

[immaterial]

A point of clarification: by "negative definition" in my other post on my blog and here, I meant the rhetorical device where one defines a term by outlining what is excluded from it, by what it is not. A "negative definition" is not necessarily a definition of a term that is pejorative. I have often heard monogamy defined as the result of excluding a wide range of options/behaviors, rather than a consciously made, affirmative choice with as much possibility in it as any other consciously made choice.

Thanks for these posts so far, interesting perspectives. I hope others chime in with experience and insight.

Immaterial

[Confused]

Monogamy for me so far has meant the time to really know someone, to tell them everything that goes on in my heart and head and for them to know intimately how I've changed over the time we've been together. It has meant us being a team, us versus the world lol which was and is just what I need at times when our lives get crazy.

It has meant me feeling like the most special person in all the world, and also allowed me (as well as forcing me) to grow up and really deal with my own issues. Having to wake up next to the person you fought with yesterday and having nobody else to turn to for the support you need in dealing with it has led to an intense bond and understanding between the two of us. Not being willing to settle for a mediocre marriage has made me really work on all this and made us create a lasting excitement and intimacy that goes far beyond what we could have achieved with less time investment or if either of us had settled for less than what we wanted with each other because we could find it elsewhere.

But here I am looking over the brink into the poly world and not knowing what I'm doing..

[Ariakas]

Originally Posted by redpepper

My good friend from highschool is mono and gets why it would work for her. She is a career woman and has dated a lot of men over the years. She is completely done with it as she hasn't found anyone that wants to be around her part time. She finds guys that have agendas about what their relationship should be like and it includes lots of time, being really involved in day to day life, eventually merging lives entirely... she just doesn't want that. She wants to be married to her career, not a man. She would be perfect for poly! But, alas, she wont' try it.

I run into lots of people like this unfortunately. They would suit it perfectly but don't believe. I really wish more people were open to the idea of trying

[redpepper]

Originally Posted by Confused

Monogamy for me so far has meant the time to really know someone, to tell them everything that goes on in my heart and head and for them to know intimately how I've changed over the time we've been together. It has meant us being a team, us versus the world lol which was and is just what I need at times when our lives get crazy.

It has meant me feeling like the most special person in all the world, and also allowed me (as well as forcing me) to grow up and really deal with my own issues. Having to wake up next to the person you fought with yesterday and having nobody else to turn to for the support you need in dealing with it has led to an intense bond and understanding between the two of us. Not being willing to settle for a mediocre marriage has made me really work on all this...

Except for the "having no one else to turn to" and changing the "two" of us to "all" of us, this is my experience of my poly life. There seems to be nothing you've said that is different for me.

[SourGirl]

I seem to date this type of person. The 'usually monogamous, yet curious' type. ( for men that is, only had 1 girlfriend like this.)

They are busy with careers and lives, miss caring about someone, want that true affection and companionship. They don`t have time to provide for what a 'traditional' relationship tends to demand.

I don`t care to own anyone, or be owned, so it can make for easy dating schedules.

I imagine if I dated someone over a longer term, that eventually some of those types would find a more monogamous relationship to move off into. Some might be bitten by the poly-bug and stay poly,..who knows.

[redsirenn]

That's a good point, RP, and partly why I gave/ am giving it time. I always felt suffocated in relationships where guys wanted more out of me, and I wanted to play in my band, paint, go to school, travel, etc. etc. etc.

There are men out there that want that same thing, however, and are not/ don't want to see other people... So, it still leaves me wondering.

This is an issue of time management and compatibility, not necessarily mono/poly. In other words, the desire or need to be with other people is not the same as the desire to have time to do shit, nor is the desire to have time to do shit the same as not wanting a monogamous partner.

[Confused]

Thats lovely to know. Reading some of your threads especially, I am beginning to think that relationships differ not because of how they're defined (or by how many people are involved) but simply by how much you can both/all really give to them.

[redpepper]

Originally Posted by Confused

Thats lovely to know. Reading some of your threads especially, I am beginning to think that relationships differ not because of how they're defined (or by how many people are involved) but simply by how much you can both/all really give to them.

Yay! Exactly! Like what oaks said in another thread, I would link it here but I can't on my phone. Have a look though. Its about compersion.

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by redsirenn

There are men out there that want that same thing, however, and are not/ don't want to see other people... So, it still leaves me wondering.

.

Exactly! Monogamy is not about 24/7 togetherness and the belief that it is frustrates the crap out of me. It is not about having all your needs met by one person either. Monogamous people just don't have the drive to take other relatioships into the area of physical intimacy/romantic loving emotion because one person fulfills that need for them. Primary this is because they actually only bond with one person at a time in a way that makes them want to share the gift of thier intimacy.

It is about willingly giving the gift of your intimacy to one person and feeling fullfilled. But this is only one apsect of any relationship. Monos do lots of stuff with other people and not always with thier intimate partner.