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  #71  
Old 07-26-2010, 11:02 AM
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Hi,

Just like to clarify a couple points:

BBF with benefits was my term, not D's (my ex) but he said he would most prefer something between a distance friendship with the freedom for us to connect sexually both in person and otherwise if he could possibly choose.
I asked him what he wanted because I wanted to know where I stood with him emotionally and I feel much better now that it's more clear. We are very close friends and care a lot about each other.

The point about his drinking and hitting on me I'd like to make is that when it happened he had drank so much that he was in Blackout (alcohol related-amnesia) and he read the chat logs the next day and apologised profusely to me for his behaviour. He still apologises if I mention it at all (not in a grovelling way, mind).

I've talked to him about his drinking because it was starting to worry me but he assures me he has a handle on it. I've let him know that I'm available to talk to about it if he feels the need.

D's a good dude. Bold mentioned about the boundaries: D and I have always been sexual/flirty so it's been an adjustment to relate to each other without a trace of that (which we honestly would likely never be able to manage) but we're working on it. I don't think D saw it as disrespecting Bold because it's the way it's always been and my objections in the past have been weak at best.

I'm comfortable with where things are at the moment. I brought this up with Bold so that he would know that I had spoken to D about it and keep the lines of communication open. We both left the conversation feeling happy and loved, which is a major first for us, so I know that we must be growing. Unfortunately, I had to rush off to work afterward with a "let's talk more later" tag and I think Bold started to maybe let the seed sprout in his mind into all sorts of the ideas. A few texts during my break did the trick with pruning it back, I gather, but Bold can speak for himself on that, of course.

Thanks everyone for reading and sharing on these forums and in this thread.
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  #72  
Old 07-27-2010, 02:42 AM
FormerUnicorn FormerUnicorn is offline
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I caught the fact that you two were having a long distance relationship early on in the discussion, and it was the most worrying fact for me in this whole scenario.

I've been in several LDRs that have been extremely emotionally and sexually fulfilling that I would not trade for the world. The forms they took have been across the board in terms of contact. Some of the most important were with people I never met. One of them was a guy I dated for nearly a year, then left Maryland to go to England. I visited him for a few weeks every few months for two years, until we decided we didn't have a future. At one point I also moved halfway around the world for a guy I'd never even met outside of the computer. And I guess my husband and I had a tiny LDR of an hour's drive until we moved in together.

LDRs are difficult when you want to be close to someone and there isn't anyone... until there *is* someone, and it isn't the person you're in the LDR with. Sometimes people just have a need for touch, for interaction that has to be filled, and it's very difficult to decide whether or not you are just missing something in your existing relationship, or are actually interested in another person.

All I want to say is that if the upcoming goal of the LDR is to simply meet, and/or become local, or hell, to move in together from never having met before, the adjustment period in any of these cases takes a lot of time, effort, and focus. I advocate for holding off on anything outside of the relationship until that visit happens and you can discuss things in person. It might be an unpopular viewpoint, but I feel Bold is in a very vulnerable position, and complicating something fairly serious with a casual relationship could be a bad idea until the foundations between he and Erato have been reinforced.

Sigh. I hate when I feel like I haven't expressed myself well.
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  #73  
Old 07-27-2010, 03:35 AM
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The potential other is distance too. Same country as Bold, even.

I know that it's not just me missing the sensual elements of a relationship because the idea of physically having sex with someone other than Bold, at this time, makes me sad because I'd just be wanting him or missing the fact that he can't do that with me at this very moment in time.

And "casual" is such a four letter word to me. It implies, I feel, that it's flippant and fun and just for kicks and sometimes even meaningless/future-less. A meaningful friendship and sexual relationship that I want to form with D is not casual in the sense as implied above. Sorry if you didn't mean any of those implications as I know words mean different things to different people and that's just what that word means to me.

I'm sorry if that comes off as defensive but, honestly, my defences came up in the first line where you coupled "LDR" with "worried".
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  #74  
Old 07-27-2010, 04:29 AM
FormerUnicorn FormerUnicorn is offline
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My intent was not to make you feel defensive. I've been on the receiving end of negativity about LDRs and it's a frustrating place to be. I tried to explain the value I saw in long distance relationships of many varieties, value that I've gained from personal experiences.

The reason that I'm worried is because LDRs can often be characterized by an increased emotional vulnerability. I've just been filtering the discussion through that lens, and I feel acutely for both you and Bold. Especially since you are having these discussions without the physical reassurance. It's a big task under normal circumstances. But what is normal, right?

My main point was that because so much of that type of relationship must happen in bursts, the visit with Bold will most likely change things between you. You will grow, will adapt, and it will leave you with a lot to think about.

I apologize if the word "casual" offended you. I didn't mean that it wasn't going to be meaningful, simply that by your definition of close friends with a sexual component, it's not on the same level as what you say you have and want with Bold.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bold
She's perfectly fine with using the energy spent toward building/maintaining a second relationship toward becoming local with me. And she'll give me time to work on things, going at my pace.
I hope things continue to move in this direction. I wish you both a lot of luck on your path, and I am hoping that the visit will be awesome!
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  #75  
Old 07-27-2010, 11:58 AM
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Thanks for clarifying.

I still think we see things very differently. My main objection, I think, to your first post was that this line:

Quote:
...it's very difficult to decide whether or not you are just missing something in your existing relationship, or are actually interested in another person.
...implied, to me, that you were bringing into question if I am just a mono missing her partner or actually poly-amorous. From past experience and self knowledge I know, without a doubt, that the latter is the case.

I also mention that we see things differently because I don't agree with this statement:

Quote:
My main point was that because so much of that type of relationship must happen in bursts, the visit with Bold will most likely change things between you.
Our relationship is happening all the time, it's not on hold because we're not physically together, and so it's entirely happening right now. I've no doubt that the visit will affect how we relate to each other but my distance relationship with him isn't me holding my breath for locality it's enjoying being with him no matter the circumstances.

This is my goal over all, now, concerning not only the long distance nature of our relationship but also the (currently) exclusive aspect of it. I am very happy being with him, despite distance, so I want to work on being as contented despite exclusivity. I didn't think it was possible before but I certainly want to give it a shot now.

It may (and this is not my secret agenda, just something I've noticed about how we feel when the other is making an effort to work toward the middle ground) reassure him to the point where he might feel secure enough to test the poly waters in terms of me taking a secondary partner. But I have no expectations about that. We'll see what happens.
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  #76  
Old 07-28-2010, 01:45 AM
FormerUnicorn FormerUnicorn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Erato View Post
Thanks for clarifying.

I still think we see things very differently. My main objection, I think, to your first post was that this line...implied, to me, that you were bringing into question if I am just a mono missing her partner or actually poly-amorous.
I did not mean to give that impression. I was not calling your poly nature into question at all. In fact, I was talking with the assumption that seeing others was acceptable, and that it was a question of the motivation behind any particular decision to get involved with someone else.

Quote:
Our relationship is happening all the time, it's not on hold because we're not physically together, and so it's entirely happening right now. I've no doubt that the visit will affect how we relate to each other but my distance relationship with him isn't me holding my breath for locality it's enjoying being with him no matter the circumstances.
I think this is eloquently put. I simply meant that visiting will open up new avenues for growth and discussion. I really am looking forward to what you will want to share with the forum about the upcoming trip.
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  #77  
Old 07-30-2010, 12:25 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by immaterial View Post
My recent SO who felt monogamously toward me (although she has been poly in the past) wanted to be involved in all of my sexual activity. If I masturbated to porn, she wanted to be there.
I think this brings up a really good issue... Masturbating.

Some people feel threatened when their partner masturbates or has any kind of sexual behavior that does not involve them. I personally think that attitude is unhealthy, as it seems to be an attempt at owning your partner's sexuality. A person's sexuality is entirely their own and no one else's. You can share your sexuality with someone, but that person can not own it.

For all the mono people out there who feel threatened by their partner's sexuality with another person, do you feel the same way about your partner's sexuality with his/herself? What is it that makes you feel you have the right to own your partner's sexuality?
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  #78  
Old 07-30-2010, 04:04 AM
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I don't know why anyone would stay in a relationship where they felt a part of them was literally "owned". That would be terribly sad. I tell people that Redpepper owns me but I am the one who willingly gives her that, she doesn't take that against my will. All partners should be giving themselves to each other in the way that fulfills them. If that exchange is mutually healthy than the relationship should flourish and be sustainable. If that exchange is forced or based on repression than the relationship will erode the individuals involved.
I would think this would be a part of the foundation to any relationship regardless of the way people love.

The only thing that should be owned in a relationship is the responsibility to treat your partner with respect and honesty...and to be true to yourself.
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  #79  
Old 07-30-2010, 06:47 AM
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can we make the last two threads by Schrod and Mono a new thread? I think they warrant further discussion but perhaps not on this thread... is that okay to move them Schrod?
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Old 07-30-2010, 07:50 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
can we make the last two threads by Schrod and Mono a new thread? I think they warrant further discussion but perhaps not on this thread... is that okay to move them Schrod?
For sure!
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