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  #31  
Old 07-18-2010, 03:25 AM
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well there you go,,, time

She chose you no? And you are awesome... why wouldn't the SO be equally as awesome? I really have found that it is rare that two partners don't get along. I know it doesn't seem like it so much on here, but generally there is a specific reason that the partners of someone don't get along. If everything is above board, healthy emotionally, sexually and in every way, then it is unlikely that you will not like them. you might not chose them to be your best friend, but will appreciate them in a way that is indescribable. It's a mixtures of feelings towards a sibling, a best friend and co-worker that you really like but keep your distance from because of work circumstances... and then again totally different. That is the best I can describe... keep an open mind and keep positive and you likely will find a unique relationship that brings much interesting joy to your life.
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  #32  
Old 07-18-2010, 05:10 AM
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
well there you go,,, time

She chose you no? And you are awesome... why wouldn't the SO be equally as awesome? I really have found that it is rare that two partners don't get along. I know it doesn't seem like it so much on here, but generally there is a specific reason that the partners of someone don't get along. If everything is above board, healthy emotionally, sexually and in every way, then it is unlikely that you will not like them. you might not chose them to be your best friend, but will appreciate them in a way that is indescribable. It's a mixtures of feelings towards a sibling, a best friend and co-worker that you really like but keep your distance from because of work circumstances... and then again totally different. That is the best I can describe... keep an open mind and keep positive and you likely will find a unique relationship that brings much interesting joy to your life.
Thank you. That's reassuring.

I was reading these forums for a while before and it scared me when I came across a mono posting about feeling terrible on days/nights their lover is with their, um, other lover, and I'm waiting for them. I can occupy my time with something else but I'm going to be thinking of it anyway. I don't want to be scared of those times. I want to brave them, for her. But the mere thought of it hurts. Will that be easier to handle when it actually happens, too?
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  #33  
Old 07-18-2010, 05:35 AM
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You betcha bold. At least in my experience anyways. And even more so if you know the person. That helps temendously. The lead up seems to be worse than the event in a lot of cases. Eventually you might not even think about it and when you do it will be in terms of wondering why you worried when everything seems so great. At least that is what I feel right now and usually do at the best of times
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  #34  
Old 07-18-2010, 01:37 PM
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Originally Posted by Erato View Post

Quote:
In the conversation with my boyfriend today he asked if I would be willing to try to adapt to monogamy.
Hi Erato,

You might benefit from reading the thread I started called "can you convert back to being mono" (or you might not).

Quote:
But if I can't adapt to being completely exclusive and he's willing to try to adapt to a vague form of slight polyamory then is he just sacrificing himself or am I being selfish? He seems to think the latter is the case.
I don't think it has to be either. Maybe technically it would be a sacrifice, but why look at it that way? We make sacrifices for those we love every day, but to look at it that way risks us feeling taken for granted I think. And being selfish is another subjective concept. If you are truly poly (as it sounds) then you have choices as a couple. He can make an effort to understand it not as selfish, but as who you are, and work to get through his feelings (no small task I'm sure), you can bury it in the hopes that you are successful this time or you can part ways (and know that I don't take that lightly at all).

Quote:
I have tried explaining that it's not that my partners in the past were not enough, it was not that I was unhappy with them, but that I can/am/have/will fall for people other than him and want to have them as lovers.
Is he willing to do some reading to take it out of the personal?

I know everyone is different but I would really appreciate anyone who is monogamous, or feels that they understand a monogamous lover/friend/family member, could please share with me their understanding of it.

I'm not monogamous any more, but I do feel that I understand it. We've been conditioned that it is the "right" way and when our relationships fall outside of that norm, the mono person thinks that it is something wrong with them (we are, after all, egocentric creatures). I hope that some mono people will respond more helpfully.

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If we introduce someone else into the equation it would have to be someone who he could trust because he feels he would be opening up to them in some way by sharing me as a lover (even if they have no sexual contact).
Does this not make sense to you?

Quote:
He'd need reassurance that I could be just as careful and gentle with his heart while holding another's as I would be with just his.

To quote him: "I gave you my heart to handle carefully, and I need to trust they won't make you drop it while handing mine, for one"

Which is slightly ambiguous but I gather that he means that if they hurt me that it will hurt him. And that he needs reassurance that I won't leave him for them, perhaps? I'll have to clarify later.
I take this another way--he wants to make sure that you focusing on them, does not make you less careful with him emotionally. He wants to know that you loving someone else doesn't detract from the love you have for him, which seems like a pretty common fear from what I've read here and elsewhere.

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He also said: "they [my other lover(s)] have to know me emotionally and be close to me" - which I can't understand. I understand him wanting to be on good terms with them and trust them, he's trusting them to care for the love of his life after all, but to know him emotionally and be close to him is a strange idea to me.
It's not strange to me at all, fwiw. Everyone has their own preferences in this regard. I'm sure there are other examples, but I've spent a good deal of time reading Mono's blog on here, and for them, it is very important to be close to one another. My husband, thus far, wants to meet and get to know any potential partners but does not aim to be close to them. This may change. I hope that he will respond to you as a mono in love with a poly, but just keep in mind that we are *very* new to this too!

Best wishes,

Christie
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  #35  
Old 07-19-2010, 01:32 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by inlovewith2
Hi Erato,

You might benefit from reading the thread I started called "can you convert back to being mono" (or you might not).
Way ahead of you! And yes, it helped to read and relate, thanks for making that thread and sharing that part of your life/relationship.

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Originally Posted by inlovewith2
I don't think it has to be either. Maybe technically it would be a sacrifice, but why look at it that way? We make sacrifices for those we love every day, but to look at it that way risks us feeling taken for granted I think. And being selfish is another subjective concept. If you are truly poly (as it sounds) then you have choices as a couple. He can make an effort to understand it not as selfish, but as who you are, and work to get through his feelings (no small task I'm sure), you can bury it in the hopes that you are successful this time or you can part ways (and know that I don't take that lightly at all).
I don't feel he is selfish, I have been very confused by his need to keep me for himself, but I am learning to accept his needs as a monogamous person even if I now realise that I will probably never understand/empathise with them. I think the reason that he felt I was selfish at the time was not because I need to have other partners but because the way I was talking about that need, and ignoring his feelings, was selfish. I think we're slowly coming to a middle ground where we consider each other more and are slowly learning to fear less that our needs have to be repressed/ignored to be able to stay together as a couple.

It's a start with a long road ahead of us, I realise that, but it's promising to see us learning not to give in to the knee-jerk reaction "But I need X!!!" which dominated our conversations until so recently.

Quote:
Originally Posted by inlovewith2
Is he willing to do some reading to take it out of the personal?
He's been reading posts around this site recently, yeah, we both have. He's really considering things seriously and I think he might slowly be coming to see it as a need separate from my relationship with him. As I told him - he can satisfy all my needs in our relationship but he can't satisfy any of my needs in my relationships with other people.

But I'm sure he can post his true feelings/thoughts/answer to that question rather than my clumsy observations. :3

Quote:
Originally Posted by inlovewith2
I'm not monogamous any more, but I do feel that I understand it. We've been conditioned that it is the "right" way and when our relationships fall outside of that norm, the mono person thinks that it is something wrong with them (we are, after all, egocentric creatures). I hope that some mono people will respond more helpfully.
See, I was "monogamous" (as in the sense that I was in exclusive relationships where I was only allowed an emotional or sexual connection with one person) and it never sat well with me. Hence I don't consider myself to ever have been monogamous. One boyfriend I remember crying over because I was scared of what would happen if I fell for another girl (do normal monos do that?) and another gave me permission to "sleep with women" just randomly out of the blue without my even showing an interest in it at the time (though I had in the past) and it completely disinterested me! That was because I was unhappy in that relationship at the time and wanted out, not because I wasn't poly then, and also because there were no women I had a connection with at the time that I wanted to pursue (plus I didn't know poly existed at the time).

Those experiences tell me that my fear that I just seek more partners when I feel unsatisfied is invalid and that I probably never was mono in my heart even though I didn't realise there were any other conceivable (ethical) options.

Quote:
Originally Posted by inlovewith2
Quote:
Originally Posted by Erato
If we introduce someone else into the equation it would have to be someone who he could trust because he feels he would be opening up to them in some way by sharing me as a lover (even if they have no sexual contact).
Does this not make sense to you?
Honestly? No, it does not. I understand the need to trust the person, because he is trusting them with the woman he loves (and my/his sexual health), but I don't understand how he is opening up to them. He won't be physically intimate with them, he won't share his secrets with them (and I sure won't share his secrets either!) and he won't even have to spend any time with them if he doesn't want to.

I suppose my boundaries between love, sex and friendship are less rigid than his. He has friends I don't like/trust and vice versa for him with my friends. I realise having a lover would have more impact on him than a friendship but I still don't see how it forces him to relate to that person more than via me physically and a little more emotionally than with a friend.

There must be something I'm missing I'm just not...sure I can grasp what that is even if it's pointed out to me. And please note that this is all in theory; I have yet to have multiple partners at once.

Quote:
Originally Posted by inlovewith2
I take this another way--he wants to make sure that you focusing on them, does not make you less careful with him emotionally. He wants to know that you loving someone else doesn't detract from the love you have for him, which seems like a pretty common fear from what I've read here and elsewhere.
It's not only that. He explained more. It's partly that he wants to make sure I don't love him less or be less gentle with him as you say, also that he wants to make sure that when they hurt me I won't take it out on him and that he'll always remain the primary.

Quote:
Originally Posted by inlovewith2
Quote:
Originally Posted by Erato
He also said: "they [my other lover(s)] have to know me emotionally and be close to me" - which I can't understand. I understand him wanting to be on good terms with them and trust them, he's trusting them to care for the love of his life after all, but to know him emotionally and be close to him is a strange idea to me.
It's not strange to me at all, fwiw. Everyone has their own preferences in this regard. I'm sure there are other examples, but I've spent a good deal of time reading Mono's blog on here, and for them, it is very important to be close to one another.
The funny thing is that in conversations I've had with him (and I hope you don't mind my sharing this, Bold) he has said that if I had a female partner he would be disappointed if she didn't want to sleep with him and me together, at least on occasion, because he would want to with us [me and my secondary].

Now, I have to point out, he has honestly stated that he has pretty much zero interest in a threesome with me and another woman unless I want it. Yet if it's with my secondary, who I love, it's a different story? It confuses me. He mentioned something about not wanting to feel left out of my sex life but I don't feel that his sleeping with my secondary would make him any closer to me. I don't particularly like the idea of it anyway.

Quote:
Originally Posted by inlovewith2
My husband, thus far, wants to meet and get to know any potential partners but does not aim to be close to them. This may change. I hope that he will respond to you as a mono in love with a poly, but just keep in mind that we are *very* new to this too!

Best wishes,

Christie
Thank you. I hope he does too, when he has time, as I would appreciate another perspective (especially from someone in the same/similiar boat as my partner is now).
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  #36  
Old 07-19-2010, 02:00 AM
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One boyfriend I remember crying over because I was scared of what would happen if I fell for another girl (do normal monos do that?) .

I (as a "Normal" mono who is mono) understand that if I fall in love with some one else it means the end of the "intimate" love for my current partner. It's just the way I am and I don't worry about it at all actually...it's just my nature. I also don't worry about it because when I am in love, I am completely fulfilled in that area of my life.
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  #37  
Old 07-19-2010, 03:01 AM
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I (as a "Normal" mono who is mono) understand that if I fall in love with some one else it means the end of the "intimate" love for my current partner. It's just the way I am and I don't worry about it at all actually...it's just my nature. I also don't worry about it because when I am in love, I am completely fulfilled in that area of my life.
Oh. I was set on that and accepted it going into the relationship. But when having a secondary became a necessary thing in our relationship I started thinking about what my needs were and a few of them were thrown into question. I figured I'd be happy as long as I was the priority in someone's life, and thought that if my needs weren't fulfilled then I could just find someone else to be with at the same time. But that doesn't make sense upon thinking about it a second time and now I'm just confused.

I still feel like Erato completely fulfills my need for "intimate" love with all people I know and would have had interest in, not just her. That's all I still know, I think. And the thought of a secondary is uncomfortable and something I need to get used to and work into my needs/view.
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  #38  
Old 07-19-2010, 03:16 AM
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Oh. I was set on that and accepted it going into the relationship. But when having a secondary became a necessary thing in our relationship I started thinking about what my needs were and a few of them were thrown into question. I figured I'd be happy as long as I was the priority in someone's life, and thought that if my needs weren't fulfilled then I could just find someone else to be with at the same time.
I started my mono/poly journey 19 months ago and trust me, my wants/needs changed since we first met. As my emotions for her deepened, the things I was initially ok with changed. For me it was the depth of the relationship that actually narrowed down what I was healthy in. When I thought I was going to see her casually as a gap filler between her other loves and future loves, my needs were dramatically different. I had no idea just how involved we would become. This is a normal monogamous progression...dating or playing the field, falling in love with the MVP and actually walking off the field LOL! But what do you do when the person you are with doesn't work the way you do? What if your MVP remains on the field? Stop asking them questions for a while and ask yourself questions.

So...what is it that you actually need to be healthy? Do you really know and are you ready to ask for it?
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  #39  
Old 07-19-2010, 03:22 AM
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Why do some men feel fine about having a threesome with their partner and their girlfriend but not about other aspects of poly? Is it just the fantasy of it? Do they not realize that the girlfriend is not an object but a person? A loved person as opposed to a sex object?

I wouldn't dream of including either of my men in a threesome with derby. Our sexual relationship is our own and it is not the business of my men or anyone else unless we decide. It is not for any mans fantasy either, not that I can stop that.

All I can say is that partners are not a toy. Whomever you add to your relationship will not be moulded. It might be a good idea to check intent. Could it be that the desire comes from porn when thinking of threesomes? This scenario seems highly unlikely if he can't swallow other forms of poly.

I get that he doesn't want to be left out of your sex life erato, but I bet if your partner was a man he would have no problem. What's the difference? Or should I say, there should be no difference.
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Old 07-19-2010, 03:32 AM
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I wouldn't dream of including either of my men in a threesome with derby. .
What?! No fair ....kidding

Even when my ex wife wanted to explore a relationship with a mutual female friend I was eager to see what a threesome focussed on my wife could look like sexually. I wasn't interested in our friend (and she is a lesbian who although wanting to work on getting over some male issues, was definitely not interested in me). I was blinded by the sexual excitement (this was about 13 years ago so I was much younger) but when she went to spend a night by herself with our friend I thought I would die.

I think sexual excitement and fantasy has a way of flipping switches in people. It turns off some parts of us at least temporarily. In short..almost everything sounds like a good idea when you are horny. Not implying that this means you Bold...it's just a general comment and observation
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