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  #21  
Old 07-14-2010, 10:38 PM
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Originally Posted by Erato View Post
Your description of mono scares me, hehe! Being jealously guarded would not be comfortable for me and what happens when my partner leaves/falls for another/dies? I'd be alone after years of pushing other potential loves out of my life or ignoring them. .
I have seen this sentiment posted on here a few of times by different posters. This worries me... it rings of insecurity and abandonment issues.

And - one of the reasons why I question what I am doing - wouldn't want to be in poly relationships b/c of unhealthy reasons.
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  #22  
Old 07-15-2010, 12:26 AM
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@Erato - Here's my take on monogamy.

What I want in a partner is pretty simple. I want an amazing friend that I get to f*** and do awesome stuff with, who has my back.

My life is busy. My tech/creative split means I kinda work two jobs. I also need a decent amount of personal time and space to geek out in. There's a limited amount of space in my life for someone else, to begin with.

When I find a partner that's great in bed, intelligent, driven, and attractive, f***, I'm done! I'm totally taken care of. Then I can get down to the fun of building that relationship, and reap the security, connection, and passion that it brings. That's just the end of the equation for me.

If I find my heart wandering or start feeling like something's missing, then it's clear I'm either with the wrong person, or something's up in the relationship. Either things get resolved, or we break up, and move on.

Between work and cooking and throwing parties and making art and cleaning the house and hanging with friends and traveling and playing shows and everything else, love is but a facet of my life, though its influence pervades everything. I never seek to complicate it, test it, or otherwise monkey with it, if it's working.

To me, more partners just sounds like trouble, and work. More personalities to balance, tears to dry, work issues to shoulder, and logistics to consider. Eff it, if I've got a good partner, I'm happy.

That's not to say I'm not into a fun makeout session or threesome every so often if the mood/situation is right. I'm no puritan. But another girlfriend altogether?!?! hahaha

-M

Last edited by monaural; 07-15-2010 at 12:28 AM.
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  #23  
Old 07-15-2010, 11:48 AM
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redsirenn

I see your point, yes. I do have a bit of abandonment issues, which I am working on, but that is most definitely not my motivation for seeking a poly lifestyle. If I feared abandonment that much why would I risk upsetting my partner, who is mono, by suggesting that I need other partners as well? I'd probably just bottle it up if that were the case.

The main issue for me with being 'alone' after a long term mono relationship is the isolation. I became very isolated from friends and family in a relationship when I was younger - he didn't socialise well with my family and I felt responsible for him because I was very co-dependent at the time - so there is that aspect to it. That's not so much a fear as a cautionary concern of mine. It's unlikely to repeat but I could see it potentially happening if I were married, say, 50 years and then my partner passed away. (Maybe I talk to too many lonely elderly people in my job and it's making me paranoid, I honestly don't know.)

But the honest issue behind that 'jokey' answer is that I don't want to regret repressing or compromising part of myself. I'm poly, and this is just my opinion, but if I started expecting one person to fulfill all my needs it would drive us both insane. (I speak from experience there.) I need people: friends, family, lovers, nemeses even! I know that all couples need support but I just have an extra need, I guess. I have a tendency to isolate to begin with which has compounded in the past while in NRE and then formed a habit.

monaural:

Thanks for sharing. It definitely sounds to me that we have different ways of viewing love, for sure. It sounds like you don't have the time, or inclination, for more than one relationship. I make time for people who are important to me. I guess I don't get too much choice in choosing not to have other relationships because it would be so much harder for me to try to avoid them completely forever (and much less rewarding).

Quote:
If I find my heart wandering or start feeling like something's missing, then it's clear I'm either with the wrong person, or something's up in the relationship. Either things get resolved, or we break up, and move on.
I see what you mean with this. My experience is similiar but the opposite also. When I fall for someone else it's usually because I'm happy and secure in my relationship. I get a protective instinct, I guess, that draws me back to my existing partner if things are getting hard (usually). I'm stubborn and willing so I work on things, I just haven't always known how to fix them, and I know the difference between loving two people and falling out of love with one and in love with another. Conversely, I have also strayed for attention but that wasn't about love it was about drama and revenge for feeling neglected (while well in my cups, which is not a good state for an alcoholic to be in).

I had a boyfriend offer that I could sleep with women if I wanted, late in our relationship once he could smell the scent of break-up in the air, and it puzzled me at the time and completely disinterested me. Partly because there was no woman I loved who I wanted to sleep with and partly because I think I was just miserable and wanted out. It was not a healthy relationship but I think we both learnt from it and have moved on.
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  #24  
Old 07-15-2010, 05:04 PM
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Bold: I guess, like she doesn't understand my mono, I don't understand the need to exclude me from part of her love life, yet it's not because she loves me any less. That's very hard to wrap my head around.
My lover includes me in on those parts of her love life that I am not directly involved. She does this when she speaks of her love for her other loves. Things like why she loves them, what they mean to her, what they do together. She allows me the opportunity to get to know them, both indirectly when she talks about them and directly when we all hang out. I am always amazed by the people who she loves and have found great opportunity to have amazing people introduced into my life whom I would not have met otherwise because of her.

Instead of jealousy, there is a joy I feel for her joys. I also find a greater amount of intimacy between us as it allows me to see things about her through her many loves, that may not have been open to me if we were mono.

In allowing each other to be honest about who we are, we are able to connect in ways I never have experienced in a Mono relationship.
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  #25  
Old 07-15-2010, 06:22 PM
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Ya oaks! I love to hear about compersion! makes me happy, because I get that! Thanks for posting.
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  #26  
Old 07-15-2010, 08:14 PM
Bold Bold is offline
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Originally Posted by Oaks View Post
My lover includes me in on those parts of her love life that I am not directly involved. She does this when she speaks of her love for her other loves. Things like why she loves them, what they mean to her, what they do together. She allows me the opportunity to get to know them, both indirectly when she talks about them and directly when we all hang out. I am always amazed by the people who she loves and have found great opportunity to have amazing people introduced into my life whom I would not have met otherwise because of her.

Instead of jealousy, there is a joy I feel for her joys. I also find a greater amount of intimacy between us as it allows me to see things about her through her many loves, that may not have been open to me if we were mono.

In allowing each other to be honest about who we are, we are able to connect in ways I never have experienced in a Mono relationship.
That's a scary thought right now, to know about all of it. To think of her doing intimate, coupley things with someone else. I get a knot in my chest at the thought. I hope I can get over it. I want to for her.
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  #27  
Old 07-15-2010, 10:09 PM
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Compersion only began to seem possible in my heart when I decided I wanted to learn how to love unconditionally. I was weary of loving on conditions. I want a bigger love than that. This doesn't have anything to do with mono or poly, it's just a desire I have. I want to be able to love someone with an unreserved, unconditional yes, no matter who she loves and no matter what else. This is the kind of love I want to live on a daily basis in my life.

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  #28  
Old 07-18-2010, 01:54 AM
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Um, something else came up.

I'll put it a bit simply: What happens if one person in the relationship can't establish trust with the other's secondary?

Last edited by Bold; 07-18-2010 at 02:00 AM. Reason: simplified
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  #29  
Old 07-18-2010, 02:12 AM
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Oh bold. Really? Its hardly been any time yet. You have to give it time and keep at it.

That being said, what is the nature of your mistrust?
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  #30  
Old 07-18-2010, 02:33 AM
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Um, there isn't even anyone, yet, and as I said while we're distance probably won't be.

I'm scared that there'll be someone I can't get along with but I'll have to tolerate them, letting them in to a part of my life I consider very intimate, and have no choice in the matter beyond stay or leave. The open door is a bit intimidating, I don't know who's going to come in, but I don't want to slam the door in their faces and would like to make them feel at home.

I feel it's a lot of pressure and a lot to accept about something that's a complete unknown to me. And if I can't deal with it then I'm doomed. I know that's true for most things in a relationship but this is a whole other person, not my lover.

It came up not because someone's there, but in conversation, by the way.
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