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  #41  
Old 08-25-2010, 02:55 AM
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Originally Posted by marksbabygirl View Post
Yanno when you lance a boil... and everything that comes out is disgusting and toxic and awful? But then its able to heal?

That's how it feels every time I have one of my *moments* All the toxicity, all the poison, is able to come out - the protective cover that allows it to fester has been removed - and then I'm able to heal.

I am so very grateful that he supports me in that - but I am so very sorry about what it costs him.

We are heading in a good direction - I just need to heal more.
I just got the mental visual on that I get what you mean though. I do the same thing. It takes me a while to get to where I'm going and to figure things out, but once the nasty is out I do heal and get to a good, strong place.

I met Pengrah over the weekend and I have to say from what I know of her so far she seems to be a very open and understanding woman. I don't get the vibe that she's trying to push you into anything that you aren't ready for but rather worried about her own potential heartbreak in the situation. Best of luck to all of you.

-Derby
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  #42  
Old 08-25-2010, 06:33 PM
marksbabygirl marksbabygirl is offline
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Default An update... huge breakthrough progress...

If you've been reading my posts - you know I've lost my mind in the last 10 days or so. Its been a hell ride and I couldn't figure out why. I pushed for it, I wanted it, and now that we ARE poly - I turned into this nasty, jealous, irrational woman. It has been a hell week and a half for everyone.... Wellington, Pengrah, me, I'm sure Ari has had to deal with some of it - and my kids... my poor kids who haven't been able to sleep and have had tummy aches from the continual stress.

So back ground on me and my relationship with Wellington (did you really have to pick such a long name hun? LOL)

Summer of 2008 - we decided to explore BDSM. Well - more of *I* needed to, and the dynamics of our relationship were such that he wasn't going to be the one to Dominate me. The Dom I connected with was unavailable - and so over that summer, as I waited... I ... encouraged .... W to play with me. We discovered that yes, this really worked for us. We played around with various roles and based on my needs and his proclivities, we came to the Daddy/babygirl roles in our D/s relationship.

This is not ageplay for us. It is more of a safe harbour for me. I am, in my daily life, very strong, independent, in control, and in charge. Especially after his heart attacks - I kept walls up - I must be strong, I must be the rock I must be the one everyone can lean on.

In the Daddy/babygirl relationship - I am fragile, I am safe, I am vulnerable, I am able to lean on him. I trust him to take care of me, to keep my best interests at heart, and to do what's best. I trust him to not hurt me or leave me hurting.

Plus there's a lot of really fun hurty play that excites me

Then I pushed for poly. And he met a very special, lovely woman who he has an amazing connection with. I was excited for it. I suggested that he invite her down to our house, we'd hang out for a bit then the two of them could go downstairs to the family room, have some snuggle time, some get to know you time, sorta 'date' time. I fully expected and suggested that he would spend the night in the spare room with her. (non-sexually) I was truely excited and happy for them, and hoping to find my own connection... all connections I had made to this point were at the 'friendship' level.

Sunday night comes. She's heading back from a visit with her sister, and it seems *perfect* for her to stop in Squamish, hang out, have the visit and then head on to Whistler the next day.

And then there was a conversation to be had. I don't have very high self-esteem right now. And we had a very uncomfortable and awkward conversation about MY health which left me feeling less. I don't feel attractive or wanted or anything and then I felt less. Add to that all the NRE floating around my house. He's all happy and gushy and I feel less. And I do what I need to do to keep my husband happy and stuff the feeling less down - so I sit up all night crying and end up baking chocolate chip cookies at 2am.

The basis of my personality plus our D/s relationship is that I need to please him. I need to make him happy. I didn't feel, at that point, that I had the right or option to change the plans for the night - and so I told him to go to her. And he went. He left me for her.

I lost my mind. Couldn't figure out why I did. Why did I suddenly become a crazy lady with jealousy and insecurity issues? Why did I need so badly? I made life a living hell for my husband. His blood pressure went up, he developed insomnia - all very BAD things for a cardiac patient. We fought a lot. Our kids suffered.

So last night - we're talking - and it very quickly degenerates into a fight. He leaves to go calm down, I go to have a bath, and we come back together to talk about it. My issue is that I *need* to be ok before Pengrah comes up for a visit tomorrow (today) I need to NOT be in as much pain and we NEED to talk about this - because if I can't get that dealt with - the brutal honesty she wants is going to hurt. And badly. And it might push her away. And my husband will be hurt. And it will be a nasty uncomfortable evening.

So I ask him. What if? What if the pain is too great for me? What if its so VERY painful that I need them to back off to just texts and phone calls?

He gets mad, says I should trust him and I say I don't. He is taken aback. It degenerates into a bit more of a fight.

Finally (and I don't remember how) it comes out that I don't trust him because he left me, in pain and hurting, to go be with her on that first Sunday. I don't trust that he'll keep me safe, that he'll BE there for me, because he wasn't. I don't trust him anymore. HOLY FUCK.

Tears and sadness and all of a sudden we BOTH feel a weight lifted. We know what's happened and why I lost my mind. We both agree that he shouldn't have left me. He should have followed his instincts and stayed with me. He didn't. In his words - he fucked up and now we're all paying for it.

At the end of it all - I told him that I didn't feel I had the right to cancel Pengrah's visit. I felt like I was stuck with it because I had agreed to it. Also that I didn't know if I could handle it and I KNEW I couldn't handle the heavy "conversations" that she wanted to have with me because the issue isn't, and never has been between her and I. I like her. I think she's great for my husband and I know she has a primary relationship and doesn't want to "steal" him from me. The issue is one of trust between Wellington and I. I need to be able to trust him and I don't.

So I told him that I was leaving it in his hands, that he would have to make the decision (no hidden agendas, no testing him) about her visit.

He made his decision, Pengrah is at my house today, and I am looking forward to the evening with both of them. Parameters have been set and we'll see where the evening progresses. But for now, I need to trust that he's going to do what's right for US and I don't ... exactly...

Today, though, I'm not feeling all twisty inside. I don't need to know what they're talking about or how they're interacting. That's fucking amazing when I think about the last 10 days.

Things are good. I can see the light. I know the problem, we finally got to the core of it all. We can get through this.

Today, I see a happy future. And my feelings match it
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  #43  
Old 08-25-2010, 06:45 PM
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Sounds like you learnt the same lesson I did, say what you mean right up front because it causes less hurt feelings and crazy emotions down the line.
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  #44  
Old 08-25-2010, 07:03 PM
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Originally Posted by marksbabygirl View Post
At the end of it all - I told him that I didn't feel I had the right to cancel Pengrah's visit. I felt like I was stuck with it because I had agreed to it. Also that I didn't know if I could handle it and I KNEW I couldn't handle the heavy "conversations" that she wanted to have with me because the issue isn't, and never has been between her and I. I like her. I think she's great for my husband and I know she has a primary relationship and doesn't want to "steal" him from me. The issue is one of trust between Wellington and I. I need to be able to trust him and I don't.
And this is a problem. She is potentially entering into a relationship with him and you are part of that. You need to be comfortable and have a right to your rules to help you get comfortable with the situation. Remember we are new to this too, we had lots of rules in the beginning, we were just open to renegotiating them whenever they came up.

As for heavy conversations. I will come across harshly here, but you have to suck that up. One point I forgot to mention in my blog was how nuts I was for 3 months, the only reason I was nuts, was because I wasn't talking about my feelings. I had nights where I was off the wall crazy because I was busy trying to hide from my feelings. You have a right to be heard, but they both have a right to be heard to. You 3 have to figure out how to build trust for this to have a chance of working.

And primarily that trust HAS to happen between you and him. If you can't trust in him, you will never trust what they are building. I am glad you recognize that

Quote:
So I told him that I was leaving it in his hands, that he would have to make the decision (no hidden agendas, no testing him) about her visit.

He made his decision, Pengrah is at my house today, and I am looking forward to the evening with both of them. Parameters have been set and we'll see where the evening progresses. But for now, I need to trust that he's going to do what's right for US and I don't ... exactly...
Good for you ...remember she is there too, you can talk to her about where you hurt and where you are uncomfortable and what you need. Those might be things to talk about tonight. That way there is a reduction of uncomfortable unknowns. It is the unknowns that suck the wind out of things. The more items talked about from all 3 sides the better.

I hope you guys can keep talking tonight and get these things tabled. Its a good step and one that I know is needed for all of you. I have put my feelers out there to Wellington. If he needs any advice or a simply guy moment he is welcome to come to me directly as you are as well.

Quote:
Today, though, I'm not feeling all twisty inside. I don't need to know what they're talking about or how they're interacting. That's fucking amazing when I think about the last 10 days.

Things are good. I can see the light. I know the problem, we finally got to the core of it all. We can get through this.

Today, I see a happy future. And my feelings match it
Good...

<<hugs>> @ MBG...
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  #45  
Old 08-25-2010, 07:06 PM
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Oh I feel for you in this. I find it harder when I know some of the people involved and care about all of you more as a result.

Take it easy on yourself and everyone else. Rome wasn't built in a day. You all seem to have each others best interest in mind and are wanting to do what is right and respectful by all... it just needs to be sorted out what that looks like I think. There is lots of time and the big ball of yarn will become unraveled.

Just remember that no one wants to purposely hurt you or make you feel bad... they are all trying to get their needs met as much as you are in the best way they know how. It's hard to communicated sometimes with people you don't know very well yet, but those things will sort out as you get to know each other. Again, time. All your communication styles will be revealed. After all, you don't know each other in this way, in this new dynamic.

Big hugs to you...
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  #46  
Old 08-25-2010, 08:02 PM
marksbabygirl marksbabygirl is offline
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As for heavy conversations. I will come across harshly here, but you have to suck that up. One point I forgot to mention in my blog was how nuts I was for 3 months, the only reason I was nuts, was because I wasn't talking about my feelings. I had nights where I was off the wall crazy because I was busy trying to hide from my feelings.
Its been 10 days. 10 days since I lost my mind. And my issue wasn't that I didn't want to have the conversations, but that I wasn't going to have them TONIGHT if I still felt that I wasn't clear for ME on what was going on, what I needed and how we could move forward. In the past 10 days I have been talking, talking and more talking. All about my feelings. And until I could get to the core of it all - nothing was being resolved and nothing helped me feel better.

Had we not had that breakthrough, Pengrah wouldn't have come down because it wouldn't have been fair to or respectful of HER to subject her to what was going on with me. It would have been counter-productive to building a solid friendship/relationship between the three of us - it would have degenerated into a nasty ugly night for all of us.

I needed to understand ME before I could offer anything constructive to her or W. I am looking forward to conversations - but in the state I was in before the breakthrough - there was no way they could have happened - it would have been just horrible for us all. I am self-aware enough to KNOW that - and not subject anyone else to that.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
You have a right to be heard, but they both have a right to be heard to. You 3 have to figure out how to build trust for this to have a chance of working.

And primarily that trust HAS to happen between you and him. If you can't trust in him, you will never trust what they are building. I am glad you recognize that
This is something to work towards. The thing that was making me the craziest was that in the lucid moments, I was genuinely happy for them both, thrilled because I do like her and I like how he is with her. I couldn't figure out what the problem was. Now that I know the problem, W and I will work towards a solution that helps keep us moving forward.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
Good for you ...remember she is there too, you can talk to her about where you hurt and where you are uncomfortable and what you need. Those might be things to talk about tonight. That way there is a reduction of uncomfortable unknowns. It is the unknowns that suck the wind out of things. The more items talked about from all 3 sides the better.
I agree. But Wellington and Pengrah were/are very clear about what they're feeling and where they'd like to go and I wasn't. I am now. Now I can sit and converse and not feel like my world was spinning out of control. I am looking foward to the evening, Pengrah and I have *plans* for girl time and wine.... its going to be a good night.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
<<hugs>> @ MBG...
I could use one of those in person You give great hugs
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Last edited by marksbabygirl; 08-25-2010 at 08:04 PM. Reason: for clarity...
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  #47  
Old 08-26-2010, 01:08 AM
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Reading and empathizing and learning from your struggles, MBG.

*more hugs*
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  #48  
Old 08-26-2010, 09:42 AM
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It seems we a more similar than originaly thought . Baking cookies at 2 am while crying and trying to get my damn head straight, became a pretty regular thing around here.


Once again you have helped me find words. I have found a new trust for Karma. But in the whole scheme of things I don't know that I trust him or g/f to do what's best for "us". He thought he was doing what was best when he lied about everything. That broke that trust. They are one relationship and we are on relationship and the two, for right now, don't have a happy medium, so I question the ability to trust that he'll make decisions for the good of he and I.

I hope you both keep talking, keep figuring things out and keep working at it. It's the only way Karma and I are where we are. It's a long hard road when you thought it would all be okay, and it turns out you aren't anywhere near okay with it. I get those questions you ask yourself, b/c I'm at the same place.

I hope you have a smooth and relaxing weekend.

And remember-you're as beautiful as you think you are. Changes in the mind, affect changes in the body. Mind of matter. I'm proof of it.
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  #49  
Old 08-26-2010, 04:27 PM
marksbabygirl marksbabygirl is offline
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We should have talked earlier. There should have been communication, face to face conversation and a lot of miscommunications would have been cleared up.

Pengrah was at my house early in the morning, she and Wellington hung out during the day and for the most part I was ok. Finally got to the end of my work day and panick set in. I was seriously concerned that she and W would be 'ambushing' and 'tag-teaming' me into *accepting* and *getting over it* so that they could move forward.

I couldn't have been more wrong. Didn't stop the panick though.

I get home, they're finishing up dinner, we all had a nice meal - it was lovely. I got hugs from both of them when I came home.

After dinner Pengrah and I went for a walk. Ok, not really a walk - more of a drive to the river, walk part way down discover the river is more swollen than I thought and sit and chatter. For 2 hours. Cleared up a lot of fears and apprehensions on both parts - well at least for me.

End of our "girl time" we're laughing and chattering and torturing Wellington with texts of AHHHHHHH! and "I'm driving her home" followed by "to our house... hehehe" Its fun double-teaming him with mental torture.

Got the boys into bed... we all sat on the couch, Pengrah and me on either side of Wellington.... snuggles all around - the connection was lovely. Finally got to talking between the three of us, which led to some brutal honesty - some tears, some hugs, some understanding and a determination to keep working through all this. We were laughing and chatting still at the end of my night.

I stayed up later than I wanted - about 45 mins after I knew I was ready for bed - I finally broached the "I'm going to bed - I don't expect y'all to go as well - but these are my boundaries and this is my comfort level" It was received well - and they both tucked me in and I had a phenomenal sleep.

Woke up this morning - the connections are still good - the feelings are still good... everyone is, as far as I can tell, happy.

Last night was a good good night
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  #50  
Old 08-26-2010, 04:30 PM
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That's so good to hear. The reality is often far less scary than the fears.
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