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  #11  
Old 08-17-2010, 02:16 AM
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Mohegan Mohegan is offline
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I know that circle well. I don't know how your relationship works, but for Karma and I we have learned we HAVE to talk to eachother no matter what the other is experiencing. Because if we don't, the pain and concern and wondering that comes with not knowing, takes from the other things in our lives. So we end up doing more harm than good by stuffing it all inside.

I hope you find a way through. Feel free to PM if you want to talk.
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  #12  
Old 08-17-2010, 02:26 AM
marksbabygirl marksbabygirl is offline
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Thanks, email sent
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  #13  
Old 08-18-2010, 04:54 PM
marksbabygirl marksbabygirl is offline
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Lightbulb

Yesterday was so very freaking miserable and at the same time turned out to be so wonderful by this morning.

Dh is retired (young - he raises our children) and his new lady is home a lot as well. They get a lot of time to communicate. I may or may not get time to communicate with him during my work day depending on my work day, how much work I have to do and how busy my office is (after this I'm pretty much offline until I clear my desk - I think you may see me resurface around 4pm)

So at dinner - she texts him. Something sweet and lovely and designed to bring his attention and focus right back to her. Overall - I don't mind those texts - afterall - without that kind of communication - you don't build a loving romantic relationship. And she's my friend. So I'm really happy for both of them.

At any rate - something snapped. I said in a really nasty, sarcastic tone "Does she really think that THIS is an appropriate time to be texting that to you???"

Which started a motherloving fight.

He accused me of being jealous - I kept reiterating that I was MAD because it wasn't an appropriate time for that - not that I was jealous of it - but because she gets ALL DAY with him and I don't.

Yeah - I recognize now - with the help of a couple friends - that its jealousy - but not of the text or of her, per se.

He said some things to me which made me see red - really - he should know better than to push THOSE particular buttons - and we ended up retreating into strained silence. He managed to calm down, apologised to me for how he reacted to me and I, well I don't calm down as fast... and I stayed mad-ish. Silent. Irritated.

We went for a family walk. Did some talking. I gave him some things to think about - and since I get emails on my phone - I received some things to think about. I had hoped we would be able to talk more after the boys went to bed.

My brother and his wife were at our house when we got home. They stayed, chatting until 11pm. I go to bed between 10.30 and 11pm usually. Lately life hasn't been usual.

So they left and there was this ... distance between us. A horrible stressful uncomfortable distance.

I talked to him. Told me what I needed from him. He agreed. He said he would. And he continued to give lip service to it.

I asked him a very pointed question - to which he had a small lightbulb go off. Not that he changed his actions.

We went to bed, I was still feeling frustrated and that my needs were going to continue to go unmet - but I didn't want to be a nag.

I came out of the bathroom and explained to him how I understood those posts where the spouse is frustrated by the g/f or oso getting the romance and lovely gestures without having to ask, nag or do anything but be.... and she's just getting the day to day bills, the mundane, the crap and NOT getting the romance despite asking for it.

I told him that yeah, I was jealous. I was jealous because I REMEMBER that strong confident sexxy man who pulled me close and kissed me our first "date" when I first walked into the room - and how I MISSED that. I NEEDED that. I wasn't jealous because she's getting it, I'm jealous because she's getting it just for BEING and I have to beg for it.

He says he hears me. I said that I wasn't trying to hurt him, but he's been saying that all f'ing night. He says he's had an "aha" moment and that he GETS it. I said again... I'd been hearing it all night and that I will believe it when I see it.

And I have been seeing it. Last night, this morning, its been wonderful. I made a concious choice to do something I hadn't been doing in a while and I'm sure that contributed. Its not all him - I need to do some of the work too. But its been amazing for the last 10 hours.

I know we can work through this. He's my love - our 11th anniversary is on Saturday. We've been together for 12.5 years now. I hope... that this isn't a momentary blip.

But for now, I'm amazingly happy, not feeling insecure, not feeling afraid, and just loving him...
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  #14  
Old 08-18-2010, 05:24 PM
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foxflame88 foxflame88 is offline
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Sometimes we must endure the struggles to appreciate the triumphs. ((hugs))
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  #15  
Old 08-18-2010, 05:32 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Thanks for posting.

Might I make a couple of suggestions.

1 - Text her, you are friends with her and ask her to give you guys time. She likely doesn't know its a bad time ...her and I work and live different eating schedules for example. So we can have bad habits of communicating at different times. Late at night, mid way through dinner
2 - I don't think it is wrong of you to want time MBG. It may be rooted in jealousy but you still need time to connect with wellington nightly, I know I need that with Pengrah. Instead of bottling it up and exploding, maybe you should make up clear time frames and rules on your time to keep you comfortable.

Just some thoughts.
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  #16  
Old 08-18-2010, 05:38 PM
marksbabygirl marksbabygirl is offline
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Thanks for posting Ari.

I texted her about 10 minutes before you posted - I want to connect with her because she IS my friend as are you. And I know, or at least am coming to know that its OK for me to say "hey - this is what I need, how can we all work together to make sure no one is feeling left out here?"

There's a lot more to it - but I think it paid a large part in my meltdown on Sunday/Monday that I didn't feel like I was "allowed" to express my needs during "their" time. (all totally in my head - really I get in my own head and I am behind enemy lines)

This is a steep learning curve for me. And its not necessarily fun lessons for me but I understand that if its going to work for Wellington and I - I NEED to learn these lessons.

I thought the path was clear, maybe a few peices of deadfall I'd have to work through to go on this journey. Didn't realize I had so much underbrush I'd have to clear before being able to walk comfortably.
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  #17  
Old 08-18-2010, 05:41 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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I figured something like that was up and have mentioned it to her as well...btw.

That's the big weakness in texting. They may seem like they are spending a buttastic amount of time talking but they aren't. Considering how slow they both type, I bet they barely get through a full page of conversation ...it really isn't much in the scheme of things
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  #18  
Old 08-18-2010, 06:54 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Ooohhh... is this what I suspected? Marksbaby's husband has hooked up with Ari's wife?
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I'm a 58 year old woman with 2 partners:
miss pixi, my live-in gf, 36 (together since Jan '09)
Ginger, bf, 61, married, lives nearby (together since Jan '12)
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  #19  
Old 08-18-2010, 07:01 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Ooohhh... is this what I suspected? Marksbaby's husband has hooked up with Ari's wife?
They are meeting and getting along great
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  #20  
Old 08-18-2010, 07:23 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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My spidey senses were really tingling about that.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

There's no lying in polyamory!

I'm a 58 year old woman with 2 partners:
miss pixi, my live-in gf, 36 (together since Jan '09)
Ginger, bf, 61, married, lives nearby (together since Jan '12)
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