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  #101  
Old 09-27-2010, 01:20 AM
Livingmybestlife Livingmybestlife is offline
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Hugs MBG, remember you just need to breath each minute. Reach out to someone else for comfort. I can't always get what I need from BF and hubs.

I am going through lots of change with hubs right now as well. It is hard, and I know we will come out the other side.
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  #102  
Old 09-27-2010, 01:22 AM
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Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
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I know how it feels to feel like your drowning and that the person who you usually reach for is the cause of that feeling. At the moment it's just one day at a time. You are strong and you will get through this!
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  #103  
Old 09-28-2010, 04:56 PM
marksbabygirl marksbabygirl is offline
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Sometimes I feel that if I posted as much as was going on I'd spend more time on the computer than in real life.

I did something odd last night - I plugged in my cell phone, and turned off the computer.

Layed on the couch, feet up on his lap and read a book while he chatted with Pengrah on the phone (for a bit) and we watched TV.

It has been an extremely up and down week or so. I posted a bit of it in another thread...

Monday last week - was good and bad. There were some frustrating issues between Wellington and I - and his "getting lost" in the moment. Also, on paydates - there's lots to do - and when paydates co-incide with a visit between him and Pengrah - well - the errands HAVE to be run - but its not really a fun visit for them.

Monday got sorted - Tuesday night there were some issues, and then we hit Wednesday. Wednesday was hellish for everyone, all round. Finally got that sorted - and then Thursday. Thursday was a mostly good day until Thursday evening. Got that sorted.

Then Friday. Friday morning had some issues - Friday was a phenomenal day.

Saturday - not so much. Saturday I was ready to walk out of my marriage because I couldn't handle what was happening. Stupid thing is it had/has nothing to do with poly. The issues were between Wellington and I - and the fights that happened were unrelated to Pengrah.

But between the Wednesday fight - and then all the little fights, Saturday was a breaking point.

I can't be the villain anymore. I can't be in the wrong anymore. It HAS to be ok for me to not be ok without it turning into a huge fucking mess. And it hasn't been. I have felt like if I was not ok with something - no matter HOW I presented it - I was going to be the villain. I was going to be the bad guy. And I can't always be that. I am working SO hard on my comfort zones - I am working with everything I have to push myself past the comfortable routines and boundaries - that when I've pushed myself too far and need to step back - it seems to be unacceptable.

I think he gets it now - I think he understands what I'm doing and why and how hard I'm trying. The learning curve has been incredibly steep and painful.

A few lessons learned:
1. He is not a good translator. If information needs to flow between Pengrah & me - we need to do it without the translations. What takes me 3 hours to explain to him so that he understands, she understands with one sentence.

2. He will, in an effort to not hurt either of us - hurt both of us. Plans were for her to come down to our house to visit today - they need connect time - and need alone time. We have sick kids. I told him - you need to CALL her and let her know - so that she's not surprised. She needs to be able to make an informed decision. He was afraid of hurting/disappointing her - but in the end - it worked out. Had he not told her in an effort not to hurt/disappoint her - *I* think she would have been more hurt - I would have been.

3. Its ok for me to not be ok - but I need to express that in a more constructive way. I can and have been fairly caustic and I'm working on that.

4. When I am ok with our relationship - I am ok with their relationship. It all stems from security. The less secure I feel with him - the more uncomfortable I am with them.

5. He has noticed a direct corolation between my "Ok-ness" and conversations with Pengrah. I come home from a conversation with her - and I'm good. I'm ok. I'm happy. I'm relaxed.

We're good, today. I'm good. I'm not leaving him - I'm not ending my marriage - but I am wary because of things that were said and how very badly I was hurt over the weekend. I am still working on being ok. And after I have that - then I'll look for compersion.
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  #104  
Old 09-28-2010, 07:13 PM
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Your past few posts remind me soooo much how I've been feeling the past few weeks in my own situation. If you would like to bend a third party ear that understands, feel free to message me. ((hugs))
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  #105  
Old 09-28-2010, 08:28 PM
PollyPocket PollyPocket is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by marksbabygirl View Post

3. Its ok for me to not be ok - but I need to express that in a more constructive way. I can and have been fairly caustic and I'm working on that.

4. When I am ok with our relationship - I am ok with their relationship. It all stems from security. The less secure I feel with him - the more uncomfortable I am with them.

5. He has noticed a direct corolation between my "Ok-ness" and conversations with Pengrah. I come home from a conversation with her - and I'm good. I'm ok. I'm happy. I'm relaxed.

We're good, today. I'm good. I'm not leaving him - I'm not ending my marriage - but I am wary because of things that were said and how very badly I was hurt over the weekend. I am still working on being ok. And after I have that - then I'll look for compersion.
MBG....this sounds allllll tooooo familiar! The thing is for me that I tried! I tried really hard. I sucked it up, lost weight, vomitted in the morning, went to counseling sessions, spent $$$$....and I think that I am finally at the point, where I have to say, "I just cannot do it".

It pains me so much to accept this, but if I don't accept it, the consequences will be too far reaching to pull back in.

I hope that you are able to find some peace.

Take care,
P2
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  #106  
Old 09-28-2010, 09:47 PM
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Mohegan Mohegan is offline
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In different context, it sounds like what my last few months have been.

things here are on an upswing, I hope they are for you as well.
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  #107  
Old 09-29-2010, 12:16 AM
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Hey M, if ever you need to talk. For what its worth, I'm here to bend an ear.
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  #108  
Old 09-30-2010, 10:21 PM
marksbabygirl marksbabygirl is offline
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I hate the word *should*

I *should* be at this place.
I *should* be at that place.
I *should* be at this or that level of ok-ness.

Until he told me what he meant by it - I just kept thinking that I'm NOT at this place or that place or this or that level of ok-ness and if I'm NOT - then I must not be good enough.

If I'm not, I must be the one in the wrong.

I must be the bad guy.

But then I told him what I felt when I heard it, he told me what he meant when he said it - and he's agreed to stop using it - because no matter what else he might say - I will forever hear "if you're NOT there when I think you SHOULD be, then you're not good enough"

And if I'm not good enough - then someone else must be better for him.

And if someone else is better for him.... well, you can see the line of thought.

Much simpler to just stop using the word "should" in reference to my feelings. I *should* myself enough for the both of us.

On another learning curve - I had 2 very awesome ladies tell me something similar. If I need something from him, I need to TELL him that. Not assume that he'll get it right the first time.

"Honey - I need to vent, I need to talk UNinterrupted and I need you to listen. After I'm done - I need you to hug me and hold me and reassure me that we'll be ok"

And if necessary - I'll do that at the start of every conversation - because when I said that to him - he lit up - and everything that followed was awesome. He knew exactly what I needed and I got exactly what I needed so we stayed on the same level - no miscommunications.

I'm learning.
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Last edited by marksbabygirl; 09-30-2010 at 10:27 PM. Reason: because I don't want to be interrupted - thanks Love!!!
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  #109  
Old 10-04-2010, 05:42 PM
marksbabygirl marksbabygirl is offline
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I am discovering that a lot of my anxiety and panicks have less to do with poly and more to do with my brain chemistry.

Poly gives me a focus, but I think that if I didn't have that to focus on - I'd *find* something else to panick about.

There's still issues to resolve, but the panick and twisty-ness I think will lessen as I do the things I'm supposed to to manage my anxiety.
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  #110  
Old 10-07-2010, 10:02 PM
marksbabygirl marksbabygirl is offline
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If you break a bone, when it heals, the part that had been broken is stronger.

I am clinging to that as hope. There are several things that have broken in my marriage in recent weeks.

Recently found out that not only did they do something I specifically asked them not to (and he told me they wouldn't) but it was kept from me, by omission until there was an inadvertent slip of the tongue.

I need successes. I feel like I walk forward, push past my comfort zone and am slapped in the face. Sometimes its a small slap, sometimes its a cast iron frying pan to the side of the head. I need to be able to walk out of my comfort zone and nothing happens. Its good. What was said is true, and what was promised remains. I need a series of those successes. Right now I'm afraid of walking forward, because the fallout, the slaps have been so hard to handle. I don't want to hurt this much anymore. I want it to be good, because when its good, its REALLY good.

But the bad is horrific.

So I'm holding on to the hope that when we heal (not if, because I have to believe that we will heal) we will be stronger.
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