Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 11-05-2012, 02:04 PM
LoveBunny LoveBunny is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Florida Keys
Posts: 249
Default Am I missing the Poly Personality?

So I was involved in many open relationships with men, women, and couples in my twenties which fell apart, mostly because I always got too attached and couldn't handle it, or I felt not attached enough and I got bored. Now, at age 40, after 14 years of monogamy with my husband, I find myself back on the roller coaster, dating a force-of-nature woman who identifies as poly. Besides me, she currently has two male lovers.

My husband and I will soon be separating, as he cannot handle my "affair" and demands my utter sexual faithfulness. The fact that am I bisexual and always have been will just have to be stuffed away forever, according to him. In the meantime, until we untangle ourselves, we've decided to enjoy each other's company and maintain our intimacy. He has even asked another girl on a date, and I am totally fine with that.

My problem is that my sweet girl lover flashes hot and cold so fast sometimes she leaves me spinning. I am deeply attached to her (enough that I destroyed my marriage just for the freedom to be one of three people in her bed.) She is extremely focused and passionate when we're together and talks about being with me for a long time, but sometimes she just dissapears and seems to feel blase about me. I feel like nothing I do affects her happiness. She experiences no jealousy, no burning desire to be with me, she is just as happy going out with some guy she met on the bus as she is spending time with me. I am extraneous to her happiness while, at least at this time in my life, I'm ashamed to say she's intrinsic to mine. I feel like could tell her goodbye, I'm going back to my husband, and she'd feel about as much regret as if she lost her favorite sweater. Of course, she claims this isn't so, that I rock her world, but that's usually when we're in bed, so I take it with a grain of salt

I think back to my poly relationships in my twenties, and I'm sure I've fallen for this type before. I am sure I am capable of loving more than one person, and of sharing a person I love, but I am incapable of casualness. I am intrinsically passionate, connected, and I love very deeply, fully, and with abandon. I wonder if I'm not just plain old too intense to suit the poly personality. I love the idea on non-monogamy, but I seem to demand more attention than most poly people are willing to give one lover. Any thoughts? Anybody else in the same boat?
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 11-05-2012, 05:09 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,366
Default

Well, I think there are all kinds of personality types that can work with a polyamorous arrangement. It just takes knowing oneself, understanding or being willing to discover what makes one happy, and finding the best relationship structure in which to express yourself and how you love.

There are many people who want very close, committed relationships in poly, just as there are many who prefer more casual relationships. It may simply be that she is not a match for you as far as her style of conducting multiple relationships goes, even though you are obviously strongly attracted to her.

I did find some of your description about how she lives and how you feel about it to be judgmental and a bit vicious. I think you are hurting and lashed out with some very sharp words about her. Perhaps you placed unrealistic expectations on her, since she likes things more casual than you do (just a note from someone who also prefers casual parameters to my relationships: just because the structure is casual does not mean there is less meaning or caring. I love easily and deeply, too, but I like to keep things loose). You may need to pull back and not date her for a while, and reassess whether or not you really are ready to be involved in multiple relationships or with a partner who is involved in multiple relationships. Take stock of your thought process about being involved with her and see if you can notice those venomous comments you made and where those judgments are coming from.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 11-05-2012, 05:24 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,156
Default

You are responsible for looking out for your own mental health, emotional health, physical health and spiritual health. ALL your healths.

You sound troubled with it -- what kind of feedback do you need from the forum to best help you?

Quote:
I am sure I am capable of loving more than one person, and of sharing a person I love, but I am incapable of casualness
You seem to know this about yourself.

To me? It sounds like you want to date and eventually end up in some kind of committed maybe polyfidelitous open relationship model? Is that it?

It sounds like you broke monofidelitous agreements with your husband by starting up with a woman who seems to enjoy a polyamorous style that is casual. Why do you write "affair" like that? It is or isn't. Since he's not sounding thrilled, it sounds like you did NOT have an open marriage agreement in place. Where is your head at with the marriage? Still wanting to keep it? Over it? Where is your willingness there? Where is his?

Are you planning to ask for more commitment from her? Ask to break up with her? Where's your head at there with the GF situation? Where your willingness on that?

If monogamy is not for you, could you finish with the divorce process cleanly first? Is open relationship totally not possible with the husband? He's still your lover while he's dating some new lady. So... is the hurt for him in the betrayal? Has this hurt been healed or can it be healed so you can be together? If you both want to be apart -- why are you sharing sex still? If you want to be together -- why are each of you pursuing extra relationship while THIS one is broken and in need of TLC? Get clear on what you both want out of your relationship and then both of you behave like you want that. This mixed up business just leads to more mixed up.

Divorce is a pretty major hit on the stress scale. It doesn't have "dating new person" on there but you could tick it as having a new "family" person in your intimate circle with the GF. You got other stressy things going on? Get a sense of your stress score there -- are you at risk for getting ill?

Again -- YOU are responsible for your long term health and well being. Taking all this stuff on at once... could you REDUCE the stress load anywhere?

I know it could be hard to feel or seem hard to do. But choosing to straighten up some things by making some firm decisions could be worth it to gain better long term healths and well being faster for yourself.

Get your own wants, needs, and limits clear with yourself. Then check in with the husband and the GF and get the clear wants, needs, and limits there. Plan your life strategy along cleaner lines.

Right now this reads like a mess! I am sorry you are hurting.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 11-05-2012 at 05:48 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 11-05-2012, 09:24 PM
LoveBunny LoveBunny is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Florida Keys
Posts: 249
Default

NYCindie:
Quote:
Well, I think there are all kinds of personality types that can work with a polyamorous arrangement.
Good to hear. I feel like I keep encountering the same type, though mostly when I was younger.

Quote:
I did find some of your description about how she lives and how you feel about it to be judgmental and a bit vicious.
I'm not judging her or anyone. I'm in no position. I'm just describing how some of her behaviors or things she says make me feel. For the record, I think she's amazingly brave and I love that she lives by her own rules.

Quote:
just a note from someone who also prefers casual parameters to my relationships: just because the structure is casual does not mean there is less meaning or caring.
That is very helpful to hear.

GalaGirl:
Quote:
It sounds like you want to date and eventually end up in some kind of committed maybe polyfidelitous open relationship model?
Right now I'm in a period of evolving/changing, but when the dust settles, I can see myself in a passionate life partnership with either a female or male, with some openness for other lovers. I also don't discount the idea of two or three life partners. I guess my current relationship style is "undergoing construction."

Quote:
It sounds like you broke monofidelitous agreements with your husband by starting up with a woman
My husband used to be open to me being with girls, and we even had threesomes with my ex boyfriend. Years later, he decided this was unacceptable, and I tried to roll with that and succeeded for many years. I wasn't looking to open our marriage, wasn't looking for this woman but she and I were just electric. I spoke to husband before I did anything. He reluctantly gave permission, and I took it. He tried to be ok with it, but he isn't. "Affair" is in quotes because its his word, though I never went behind his back for one second. I'm aware this is not the ideal situation for either of my relationships to work, but its what I've got to work with.

Where I'm at with husband: The spark has been gone for us for years. He has stagnated in his career and personal life and closed himself off using a loop of work, t.v., and booze. The bright side of all this is that he has realized how unengaged he's become and he is starting to work on that. This date he's made with this random girl has boosted his confidence, which is why I approve. We agree that we need to separate for a while, soul-search, but we still care deeply for each other and want to enjoy our remaining time together before we extricate ourselves financially and he moves to another city, probably a few more months. We are still intimate because it feels good and makes us feel connected to each other. He and I will discuss divorce at a later time, after a trial separation.

Where I'm at with lover: I want to understand her as she is, and I don't want to be clingy. But I'm gaga about her and very needy right now. Also, there's extra pressure on the relationship because it affected my marriage--though certainly bigger factors were at play. I would like more of her time, though I feel she'd rebel if I asked her. I wouldn't dare ask for a commitment. We've only been dating 3 months, and under trying circumstances.

Quote:
what kind of feedback do you need from the forum to best help you?
Great question. I'm hoping for advice or at least comisseration for an intense person who gets very attached who is trying to step into a new life beside someone whose relationship style is more casual and independent.

Thanks for your help and understanding.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 11-06-2012, 07:05 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,156
Default

Thanks for the clarify.

So your husband said ok but when you did turns out he was not ok like he thought. He either gave a false ok expecting you not to actually go there or he thought he could handle it and found he could not.

So this trial separation is being planned so the spouses can soul search to see if the spouses want to decide to try to return to previous, reconfigure and rebuild, or just break up amicably?

Look, if you want more dates with GF, ask her out. Plain and simple. Stop overthinking it. She can say "No" or she can say "Yes." You are no exclusive right now, so date other people too. Allow yourself the experiences in your trial separation like:
  • some times totally alone. Without GF or husband or anyone around.
  • some times with the steady GF person who is NOT a spouse person
  • some times with new people that change around, casual dates, NOT sex
  • some times with spouse even -- date him. Not just sleep with him, but see if he wants to try a date.
  • some new travels, hobbies, classes. Be the new, evolving YOU that is.

If the goal is to try things on and soul search how it all feels... get on with it. Try things on in a calm, measured pace with break in between each experience "bubble" to digest it. Maybe keep a journal to see how your feelings grow/change over time?

Then at whatever checkpoint of trial separation time you and spouse have agreed to, you have taken notes you can reflect on to help you guide yourself to whatever decision you need to come to on the marriage.

Galagirl
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 08:45 AM.