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  #11  
Old 07-30-2010, 10:12 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FormerUnicorn View Post
A friend was over last night who is notorious for being cuddly and having a zero personal space bubble. He's friendly and fun, and I like his company. The funny thing was, since he was there I wanted to be ALL OVER my husband. Like the very presence of someone so touch oriented turned up all of the dials on my need-to-touch generator, and instead of being drawn into my friend's magnet, I just couldn't get enough of touching, hugging, and kissing my husband. I was so happy, but also slightly embarrassed because I didn't want to hang all over my guy while my friend was just sitting there. I wonder if it signals that I need or want more touch in my life. Hmm.
Or the energy he puts off puts you in that headspace ...just not for him
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  #12  
Old 07-30-2010, 10:19 PM
FormerUnicorn FormerUnicorn is offline
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Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
Or the energy he puts off puts you in that headspace ...just not for him
Now that you mention it, I think his energy draws me specifically to him, and I'd LOVE to indulge more in being close and cuddly with him just because he's so friendly and it feels nice! But I guess I just feel like I shouldn't in front of my husband, even if it's just a platonic thing. Hmm. Have to think about that some more.
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  #13  
Old 08-07-2010, 11:13 AM
FormerUnicorn FormerUnicorn is offline
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Aargh. I can't sleep.

Had another talk with Mr. Unicorn tonight, that ended up with the admission that I was on the fence about whether or not I was interested in the cuddly friend of ours. What surprised me was how casually accepting my husband was about the news. I was under the impression that my husband didn't like him very much, even with all the evidence to the contrary. As in, they've known one another since middle school and run in the same group of friends for ages, but have only really developed a good personal relationship over the last year or so.

My husband's reaction was so casual, and his only real comment was that it was convenient that we already knew the guy likes to come over and hang out.

Augh. Now that I've gotten past the talking with my husband part, I can't stop thinking about what I'm going to do or say to our friend. I might do nothing. I'm probably just going to sit him down and say, "I'd like to get to know you better because I think you're a great guy" but somehow I'm probably going to have to eventually work in the whole "and I'm interested in exploring some of the chemistry that we have and Mr. Unicorn says its okay" part. Obviously not like that. But yeah, it's going to be interesting.
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  #14  
Old 08-07-2010, 06:46 PM
anotherbo anotherbo is offline
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Default Your cuddly friend

In regards to your cuddly friend... I wouldn't be surprised if something happened pretty easily and naturally between you two. His cuddly nature will probably give you plenty of opportunities to respond in kind, and over time you'll likely get a feel about whether he's into YOU specifically.

Of course he'll likely be conflicted, not wanting to "poach" on his good friend's turf. Maybe you'll come upon a natural conversational opportunity to talk about your emerging understanding of yourself as poly... that might allow him to figure out what you're thinking without putting pressure on him to respond. Not to mention giving him time and space to deal with any internal confusion.

I've been struggling to work out these sort of issues for myself lately. On the one hand, I don't ever want to be dishonest about my intentions. On the other hand, I don't want to blurt out some core emotional stuff to someone I don't already trust and like. Not to mention that THEY might feel uncomfortable with me sharing so much so fast.

But this blog is supposed to be about you, I think... so I'll pipe down now about myself. :P


Anotherbo
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  #15  
Old 08-08-2010, 08:17 PM
FormerUnicorn FormerUnicorn is offline
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I went to a poly meetup with Mr. Unicorn yesterday morning, and had a wonderful time. I hadn't expected him to want to come, so the fact that he did and that he had such a good time too made me very happy, and made me feel really supported.

I was still buzzing with anxiety about what to do about our friend. We finally settled on just inviting him over to hang out, and I got in a nap before he came.

Thankfully, having him over put things back into perspective for me. I thought it might, but it's nice to be calm again. I didn't talk to him about anything, but I feel more confident about it when I do.

I just made sure to enjoy the evening. I got to make tea for him and do little things to make me feel good. I sat next to him all evening and non-verbally reiterated the fact that I don't mind touching him in the presence of my husband, and that my husband sure didn't mind.

We made plans to get together later this week with just he and I and depending on how things go then, I'll probably start the conversation at that time.
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  #16  
Old 08-10-2010, 10:19 AM
FormerUnicorn FormerUnicorn is offline
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Drove into town with Mr. Unicorn today. Ran some errands, and then spent the rest of the day with Griffin. I've been seeing more of him lately, and it's been very nice. Trying to get in some extra time before he goes back to school and gets busy again.

Mr. Unicorn was feeling poorly when I picked him up, so it was a quiet evening at home. I got the Five Love Languages book and read it cover to cover. Before bed, we took the profile tests to determine our categories, and it turns out that Mr Unicorn is a Quality Time and Physical Touch dude who happens to be fluent in Acts of Service, and I'm a Quality Time and Acts of Service gal who happens to be fluent in Physical Touch. No wonder we have such a nice marriage!

I wasn't surprised to hear this about my husband, but mine was an interesting revelation for me. The "Acts of Service" part I really struggle with, in being able to accept acts given in love, and also feeling obligated to serve in lieu of my own needs. The Acts of Service chapter put a lot of things in perspective for me, and it will be interesting to mull over them for the next few days.

Interestingly, I think that my cuddly friend (We'll call him Hunter) might be a Physical Touch and Acts of Service sort of fellow. No wonder we get along so well.

I realized something about my feelings for Hunter that makes me feel bad. In an effort to keep myself removed from him, I invested heavily in having this very large mental list of criticisms of him. Since I've essentially gotten permission (from both myself and Mr. Unicorn) to feel however I want to feel about Hunter, I've had to revisit that rather unloving list and slowly pick it apart. It hurts me that I was so unkind to him in my head, and I feel like I've done him a real disservice, even though it was a private list that I didn't share with anyone. It might have been a self-protecting measure, but it was all wrong, and the bottom line is that I know it kept me from being a better friend for many years.

I've been slowly building a better list, a list of positives. Reasons why I think he's a good person, reasons why I like him for who he is. Things about him I find funny or attractive. It's a much better list in every way, and I wouldn't be ashamed to share this one. And I think I will share what I can think of:

Hunter has always been a very loyal friend, to all of his friends.
He is very good-natured. I've never seen him angry.
He is quick to offer help, and goes beyond the call of duty.
He is friendly and outgoing.
He has a beautiful smile, crinkly green eyes, and a ready laugh.
He speaks his mind, for better or for worse, and he is honest.
He likes to share and is very thoughtful.
He is very sweet.
His black hair is prematurely graying, and I call the bright silver scatter of hairs his "tinsel" because it's so festive and pretty. I have always loved it.

He's coming over to hang out tomorrow afternoon, and I think I'm going to let him know how I feel. That I really appreciate what a good friend he's been and that I want to get to know him better, and that my husband really doesn't care if we snuggle. And just let the conversation go from there.

I'm really happy right now and I have high hopes for tomorrow.
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  #17  
Old 08-11-2010, 11:15 PM
anotherbo anotherbo is offline
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Default Sweet

Quote:
He's coming over to hang out tomorrow afternoon, and I think I'm going to let him know how I feel. That I really appreciate what a good friend he's been and that I want to get to know him better, and that my husband really doesn't care if we snuggle. And just let the conversation go from there.

I'm really happy right now and I have high hopes for tomorrow.
Sounds exciting for you.

Something you posted earlier in this thread really stuck with me....

Quote:
After we reconnected emotionally, I spent a lot of time crying because I told Mr. Unicorn that I had signed up for a traditional marriage and I feel like I am going back on that contract. His reply was that he didn't sign up for a traditional marriage, he signed up for a marriage with me. If being poly is part of my identity, then how could he do anything but accept it because he loves me and wants me to be happy.

People, this man is incredible.
I completely agree, you've got an amazing guy. But now that you are on the cusp on actually getting involved with someone else as well, things might get extra scary for him. He may need all the love and support you can muster to feel safe during this transition. It might even be worth your while to go slower with Hunter than feels natural, so that Mr. Unicorn has time to process, and communicate, any swirling emotions that may arise.

You seem to have been doing this all along, but sometimes that NRE can make you lose track of other, critically important stuff.

Anyhow, please feel free to tell me to shut up if the things I say aren't welcome or useful to you, or are a distraction to this blog.

Side note: I originally got interested in your thread because you and Mr. Unicorn are in Wasilla. My ex and I used to live in Palmer. I sure wish I'd had the courage and self-awareness to make the journey you two are making, back when it might have done some good. /hugs and best of luck to you both.

Divorced in Homer,

Anotherbo

Last edited by anotherbo; 08-11-2010 at 11:17 PM. Reason: added a quote
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  #18  
Old 08-13-2010, 08:58 PM
FormerUnicorn FormerUnicorn is offline
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Anotherbo, thank you for all of your comments. I have a lot to say in response, but I haven't been in the right headspace to do it. I appreciate your input, so please don't hold yourself back. I enjoy comments quite a bit.

I didn't end up talking with Hunter. I've been spending a lot of time just watching him from my new viewpoint... the POV of being able to approach him if I want. And I'm not sure if I do or not. So yeah, I'm definitely going slower. Way slower. I have faith that it will develop naturally if it is something that will be good for the people involved.
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  #19  
Old 08-14-2010, 09:31 PM
anotherbo anotherbo is offline
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Default Cool

Cool, I've been enjoying reading your thread a lot, and I'm glad my comments are welcome. I've also been finding people I'm interested in lately, and feeling that they are interested in me. I've been a bit manic lately, so its been hard to just let things happen naturally and not try to force them.

And... I sent you a private message about a trip to Wasilla I'm unexpectedly making late next week, but I can't tell if it went or not. Did you get it?

Anyhow, looking forward to hearing what you have to say when time and headspace is conducive.


Anotherbo
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  #20  
Old 08-15-2010, 08:30 AM
FormerUnicorn FormerUnicorn is offline
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I got it and sent you an E-mail. Let me know if you didn't get it.
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