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  #41  
Old 12-17-2010, 07:29 PM
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Sorry to hear all this my friend. Ari hit on a great resource in my opinion. I had to get proffessional help to enable me to fully understand my own demons when I left my family. People often say knowledge is power. You have a lot of knowledge about the things which shaped who you are and why you do things. The catch is, you can have all the knowledge in the world and have no power if you don't understand it. Going to a counsellor can help you understand the things you know. That is where change can really be brought about. I know money is tight but it might be worth looking around your location for possible lay counsellors.

Knowledge, and the understanding of that knowledge, is power.

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  #42  
Old 12-17-2010, 08:40 PM
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Let's talk a bit about careers/jobs and principles. I have an anarchist frined who volunteers extensive hours at book stores that carry books he believes in. He will not compromise his principles to work in a book store that pays him because they carry books he does not believe in. While this is admirable, it is aslo very straining on him because he effectively cannot support himself as an adult and relies on government assistance to get by.
Redpepper's husband often struggles with feeling unfulfilled in his solid government job. He justifiably believes he should be fulfilled by his career and wants that. Unfortunately the desire to find something else jeapordizes the stability and good wage of government emplyment. But he does his job and focusses on the things he likes about it as much as he can.
I've been in the military for over 20 years. I don't particularly believe in many of the things we do but I have learned to focus on the things I do enjoy. I have also learned to accept my job as a job. I just play the game. Then I can truly embrace life after that time with the money it provides. Perhaps finding something to focus on within the feilds you are chosing to or not focussing on the feild at all is the way to go until the right opportunity comes along.

Apply the disciple you've learned in the fighting arts to the jobs you are doing or at least to control your discomfort in doing them.

Just my thoughts
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  #43  
Old 12-17-2010, 10:24 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
Let's talk a bit about careers/jobs and principles. I have an anarchist frined who volunteers extensive hours at book stores that carry books he believes in. He will not compromise his principles to work in a book store that pays him because they carry books he does not believe in. While this is admirable, it is aslo very straining on him because he effectively cannot support himself as an adult and relies on government assistance to get by.

Just my thoughts
Excuse me while I go roll my eyes.

It may be "very straining on him" but it is NOT "admirable" to CLAIM to be an "anarchist" and rely on any kind of government assistance WHATSOEVER. Your friend is just an ordinary, every-day HYPOCRITE. If you are going to be a hypocrite, the least you could do is be the best hypocrite you can be.

Oh shit, I'm not supposed to be here, this is Karma's blog...
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  #44  
Old 12-17-2010, 11:31 PM
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Excuse me while I go roll my eyes.

It may be "very straining on him" but it is NOT "admirable" to CLAIM to be an "anarchist" and rely on any kind of government assistance WHATSOEVER. Your friend is just an ordinary, every-day HYPOCRITE. If you are going to be a hypocrite, the least you could do is be the best hypocrite you can be.

Oh shit, I'm not supposed to be here, this is Karma's blog...
Wow! You're way more blunt than I am...not saying I completely disagree though
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  #45  
Old 12-18-2010, 04:39 AM
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I'm glad you have decided to use this forum to sort through your thoughts and, also, allow us to see deeper into your world.

As Mohegan said, keep moving forward.

I look forward to watching your journey.

Positive and healing vibes coming your way~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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  #46  
Old 12-18-2010, 06:02 AM
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Realizing that there are some issues for you is half the battle. If Cricket had not requested a break you might not of known or thought about all that you have here. What a gift to you. That is all good info and now you can do the work to figure out why... as you said. That is awesome... hard, but awesome.

It seems you have had some really good advice and support here. I'm glad to see it. I don't have anything to add really right now, but I am following along and sending you love...

I agree that some of these issues need a lot more work than this forum could help you with and that a cousellor is a really good bet. Someone who will be there for awhile. There is some deep stuff going on for you that warrents some really hard work I think.

You can do it we're all rooting for you.
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  #47  
Old 12-19-2010, 07:19 AM
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Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
I
At some point you have to stop looking to the past, realize the reality and stop mourning the loss. Celebrate what you had and move forward with those lessons. It sucks ass until you realize that, hurts and is painful. You are in fact mourning the end of something. You are a fighter, unfortunately this is something your can't just beat up, so I imagine some of your pain comes from that. Fight or flight doesn't work here...it just is.

Soooooo onto the bigger topic, no coping mechanisms. Congrats on recognizing it... now to the meat - Have you sought counselling SPECIFIC to that. Understanding your emotional burial and now its revival, you have been hung out to dry. People don't give enough credit to people who have never been taught how to deal, and some of us need that. I did...in many ways it backfired too, but I was able to deal. During times of duress and anger, those emotions ALWAYS show up as sadness. Being sad is better than feeling the rage again. Is it healthy, no, but it is something I am dealing with.

Seek help, find someone who specifically deals with sociopathy and understands with your newfound emotions you are really at the emotional maturity of a 13 year old. Having to learn everything that should have been dealth with through highschool.

Some things I can recommend which might help. And this is for your partners too

1 - if you are feeling a huge emotional swing - stop, walk away and ask for time. Don't. EVER make decisions or arguments during the swings. Your challenge will look like bi-polar depression when in fact its just your body not knowing how to deal. Take the time to control that swing and then re-engage. Fight that urge to fight - now, here comes the downfall. Ensure you watch for the upswings too. The extreme happiness is not good either. If you let yourself ride too high, the downswing can be really intense which makes it worse. Try to fight the large swings back and forth.
2 - You need to, during times of normalcy, ensure you inform your partners of the number 1 requirement. If you just walk away they need to know why, come up with a code word if you have to. But find that time to settle yourself and ensure they know why. Spouses/partners can react badly when you run away, and chase. NOT GOOD in this situation.
3 - Never put yourself in a situation where your learned instincts can kick in. Feeling anger, rage or sadness. Don't put yourself in a situation where a fight can happen. Your instinct is to fight, you have relative control of it....during intense times I bet you don't have as much control
4 - go to couselling

Have I mentioned counselling yet? Learning coping skills on your own is totally possible, but it sure is easier with help.

Ari
Best advice ever! Disregard the negative "advice" on here. You are a lovely man who is examining his life and willing to learn, and also will to stand for principles. You have many people who rely on you in different ways. You have great loves in your life. All validating your need to have someone else tell you "You are worth it." Take Ari's and Mono's advice alpha male, get some help in learning the techniques required for having better relationships, especially the one you have with yourself. Love to you and yours!
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  #48  
Old 12-19-2010, 06:21 PM
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LOL, Alpha Male, eh? It's kinda funny that a few of my friends have made similar comments at different times. Not feeling very "alpha" at the moment, but the comment still made me smile.

Irony..... I've spent damn near our entire relationship trying to convince Cricket that she neds to see a therapist. Lo and behold, apparently she's not the only one! Now that she's finally agreed that she needs it, maybe it's time for me to take my own (and a few other people's) advice, and do the same thing.

Mohegan bought me two self-help books relating to these issues. Personally, I've always thought that self-help books were good for a laugh and that's about it.... I've been handed several before at various points, and I always thought they were full of crap. However, it occured to me earlier today that it may have been because I was too far gone atthose points to see that I needed the help, or to understand what to do with the knowledge given in said books, so.... they are a poor substitute for a councelor, but they'll do until I get back to Maryland. Besides, for now I have my wife and my brother here as my "councelors".

Sigh.... one step at a time....
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  #49  
Old 12-19-2010, 09:40 PM
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There are some excellent books in the sticky "book recomendations." The thing with self help books is that some are crap and some are gold... weeding through them and getting suggestions makes the eyes roll less. I'm not a self help book reader but PN is. He tells me what he reads about and it spurs on some amazing conversations, a lot of which lead him to write on his site.

LR is a great resource for books... she is a self help reading queen.
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  #50  
Old 12-20-2010, 05:04 AM
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I spent almost 3 hrs in Borders weeding through those books for you, you better like them.

I have gift receipts if they aren't what you are interested in.

I think the thing with self help books, is that you have to take them for what they are. Advice. The book is not going to solve your problems. It will however give you insight on how others solved similar problems. It's like asking for adivce, but choosing when you get it. and sometimes, you get answers and insight to things you never thought to ask.

Yeah, some are kind of corny and some are just there to make money, but others are truly written from the heart to help others help themselves.

I'd just like to point out that the book we are writing, would be classified as self help.

It's saying, "Hey I've been there. Here's what I did, I hope it helps."

You asked earlier today how to read them, and I wasn't sure how to answer you. So I did some thinking and here's my opinion on it.

I usualy take these types of books and skin through them. To get a feel of how they are set up. I check the table of contents and pick a random chapter that sounds interesting. I get a feel for the writers tone.

If it is written in the way you are I writing ours, in almost a conversation. I read it in order from front to back. Because I feel like picking and choosing in that style of writing, loses some of the impact and point the author was going for. They build each chapter on the previous ones. If you skip a few chapters you may miss a few building blocks that would really help in understanding the next chapter.

If it is written in more of a clinical or text book style. Then I pick and choose. You may still miss some things, but I have found I get bored and miss the whole point if I try to read it in order.

With any style, I keep my journal close. I write my thoughts done as I read. Because if I wait until I am done, I've lost half of what I wanted to get down. I jot down my thoughts, sometimes including the passage in the book that got my brain going in the first place. Sometimes I have no thoughts on things, but I find points that I want to keep record of, so I jot them down too.

I've read a bit of both books I bought for you and picked them for a reason. They specificaly mention the types of thought patterns your have expressed the desire to change. They specificaly go through how to break those thought patterns and replace them with positives.

I am so proud of you for working through this.I know it seems like an endless battle right now, but it does get easier. Once you not only have the tools, but know how to use them, it'll be much easier to process things.

Would it help if we worked together in the way we did some of the religious work? I don't mind doing it that way if it will help you. I can read through the books and set up questions and 'assignments'. Give you topics to journal. If you don't want to that is totaly fine, just throwing the offer out there. I want to help you in anyway I can. I can't really find the words to tell you how proud I am of you for even starting this, but I also have no words for the pain it causes me to see your pain.

I think something that will really help you is learning what is running away and what is accepting that there is nothing you can do right now. I want you to really think about what we talked about this morning. Putting something on the shelf, so you don't dwell over it while gaining the knowledge you need to fix it, is not running away. There's just nothing you can do about it right now, aside from gain more knowledge. Remember what you always ask me when my worrying gets out of control, is dwelling on it going to solve anything?

My final thoughts are to remind you of the inscription I put in the journal I gave you. Remember that you can be honest with me about anything, that's what this whole communication thing is about. What this whole new way of working together is about. I will do whatever you need me to, to help you. It is a painful path, and sometimes what you find when you kick over those rocks is going to be really ugly, please remember that I am here. That I have no record book, no score to keep track of. Unconditional love my dear.

Oh one more final thought-Robot Chicken did a special for star wars episode 3. And one of the skits was a spoof on the Dos Equi's ads. Apparently Bobba Fett is also the most interesting man in the world.
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