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  #31  
Old 12-12-2010, 02:27 AM
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So I sent a message to Cricket about last night, and she replied. Without going into too much of her personal issues, something happened yesterday that triggered a panic attack relating to her past, and as a result, she wasn't mentally able to be affectionate with anyone, not just me.

I feel relieved... but also kinda guilty that I feel relieved, you know? I mean, my thought process here is basically "Oh, she was having a panic attack, that's all. I feel so much better about things now."

Kinda fucked up, I think...
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  #32  
Old 12-12-2010, 07:18 PM
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So just talked to her on facebook. I'm all smiley She told me she loves me, apologized again for the other night, and sent me this little heart emoticon thingy

I'm such a dork right now But, I'm a happy one ATM.
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  #33  
Old 12-12-2010, 10:25 PM
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I'm glad you're happy dear.
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  #34  
Old 12-17-2010, 08:36 AM
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So I'm trying something new. I've started a journal, someting for me to get all my thoughts out on paper before I lose them as far as this "facing things and changing myself" mess goes.

The main reason Cricket and I split is because we both have things we need to fix about ourselves. I am starting to realize just how much of a mess I truly am... that, and how much I absolutely fail at "coping" with things, or accepting that there are some things in life that I can't change. Coping with/accepting that I can't "fix" this break between me and Cricket is a perfect example... I have to remind myself daily, sometimes hourly, that this isn't about ME, it's about her. There's nothing I can change to make it better - and that realization is driving me mad.

So, I decided - reluctantly - that I should take this time to address certain things about myself, kicked over a few rocks in my psyche, and found some really nasty, ugly things lurking underneath the surface that I'm trying to figure out how to change.

I have two reason for posting the journal here. #1. is to keep myself motivated to actually write the damn thing. #2. is so that I can get some feedback from people on here that I respect. Trust me, I need all the help I can find right now. I'm trying not to lose my mind on several different fronts.

What follows this post is the first entry. I may not post every entry into the journal that I write - I'm not sure yet, I have no idea where this thing is going - but I'm hoping that posting most of the entries here will motivate me to continue writing in it.
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  #35  
Old 12-17-2010, 08:57 AM
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Thursday, Dec. 16 2010.

Realizing what a mess I really am. Last night, after talking with Panda, I realized that I can't do anything just for the sake of enjoying it. I have to "win" or "succeed" at what I'm doing, or I feel like I'm not "good enough". I can't accept defeat. I can't quit fighting or trying until I "win". And if I can't learn -quickly- from these failiures, I get frusterated and start wondering what's wrong with me, IE "why am I not good enough to do this?" Evn if I do, those failures still haunt me. "Yes, I finally won, but he beat me three times before that." Then I start almost obsessing over ways to "erase" or "cancel out" those defeats, to make them "not count against me".

Not count against me according to whom? Who's keeping score here?

So, after talking to Cricket today, I realized that I think everyone is keeping score. I feel that I have to earn people's acceptance and love, lke I have to do something for them or prove myself "worthy" of them before they'll want me around. So, I have to constantly prove to myself that I am still "worthy" of them - them being basically everyone I meet - because if I don't, if I'm not "worthy", then they will either shun me, or leave me and shun me. This is part of what terrifies me about Cricket and I taking a break - I'm scared out of my mind that she'll realize that she doesn't need me and find someone "better" or "more deserving" than I am, and toss me aside - at the very least as a lover, if not entirely. So even though we're taking a break, if I'm not right here, ready to prove my love/devotion/worthiness to her, she'll move on. Logically, I KNOW better, but I can't get around this right now. Not yet, anyway.

I need to understand why I'm like this before I an figure out how to change it, I think. I know that as things stand, I have no idea how to change it...

UPDATE: Hung out with Cricket and J tonight.... didn't really want J there, but I'll take what I can get right now, I guess. She reassured me that she's not going to kick me out of her life, that she'll always want me around "at least as a friend". That is simultaneously comforting and terrifying at the same time.

Let's face it, I don't want to be "just friends". But, one step at a time. She ABSOLUTELY NEEDS THIS right now. I have no idea how things will end with either one of us right now, and I have no right to expect her to commit to anything with anyone, even if I do love her - possibly even more so because I love her. I'm trying to make myself accept this, with verying degrees of success from hour to hour. I really have no idea how to "accept" something like this without constantly stewing on it, trying to figure out how to "make it work". It seems like such a simple thing - "This is how things are right now. I can't do anything about it". So why can't I stop this pattern in my head? Why can't I just see that fact and walk away for now?

Back to wondering what the hell is wrong with me, and how to change it.
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  #36  
Old 12-17-2010, 12:52 PM
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Friday, Dec. 17th 2010, 5:13 AM

The fear issue with Cricket comes down to a fear of someone I love rejecting me, IE saying "You're not good enough to be my lover". So, let's explore this recently discovered fear of rejection.

I suppose it starts in childhood. I had a hell of a time making friends. I had been to 7 different schools, three of them twice (for a total of ten different moves) before 6th grade. I still haven't figured out why yet, but I was always a social outcast, up until the day I graduated high school. Part of that (I'm guessing) was my zero tolerance for anything I percieved to be an insult or "being fucked with". I took EVERYTHING personally, so one kid would say something wrong, I'd get pissed off and hostile, and the next thing I know, them and all of their friends are picking on me all year long. Add to this the fact that I was small, AKA an easy target, and the situation rapidly started involving anyone who wanted someone to pick on. I was a small kid with no friends - is there a BIGGER invitation for bullies?

This changed when I started learning how to fight. All the sudden middle school hit and I was no longer an "easy target". I was seen as dangerous, but I still was small, had a bowl cut, and basically looked like a white Steve Urkel with bad acne instead of braces, but including the annoying voice (puberty was unkind to me). Add to this the fact that
my family was always below the poverty line and my mother was a religious psychopath with a whole host of her own psychological issues who refused to allow me to have/attend the normal social experiences kids my age should have had because they were "a bad influence on a christian boy", and you end up with a dangerous, bitter boy with a serious underdog complex and not a snowball's chance in hell of acting or socializing like a "normal person". I had no idea how to even approach people and initiate a conversation, let alone how to make people like me.

That changed one day in 7th grade. I was watching this one kid bully someone other than me for a change - actually, someone who also liked to fuck with me on occasion - And I just snapped on him. I ended up putting him in the hospital after kicking his ass and slamming his head in the lid of one of those flip-top desks with the storage area underneath the writing surface. I got suspended for ten days, but I also made my first friend. The guy I stood up for - someone who had been fucking with me fairly often up until now - not only saw me as something other than a social reject, but also wanted to talk to me, didn't mind being seen with me in school, and even wanted to hang out with me after school.

Fighting became my only means of gaining "social acceptance", for lack of a better term. I still had no idea how to start a conversation with someone I didn't know, but I knew that if I hurt the people who were hurting/fucking with them, then I would gain acceptance. So I started targeting bullies and tough guys, litertally stalking them to get an opportunity
to hurt them. I got hurt plenty too - there's a reason I've had my nose broken 8 times and been hit with more random objects than I care to list, not to mention the other host of injuries. I got suspended so often in 10th grade that I had to drop out and get home schooled to pass that year, but for the first time in my life, I had a group of people who thought I was "cool", and a smaller, close-knit group of dangerous outcasts like me who truly cared about me as a person. Most of the latter group I am still friends with to this day, and consider to be family - we've been through far too much together
for me to see them as anything else.

I "protected" people to earn their acceptance, including working as "security" for the biggest drug dealer in school. Suddenly, my poverty-line family wasn't an issue anymore, because I was getting paid to break people in both weed and money. For me at the time, the physical pain, broken bones, and bad grades were more than worth it. Of course, when you
hospitalize someone by slamming the edge of a textbook into their throat or breaking the handle of the janitor's mop over their face, you definitely make enemies out of their friends, so the fighting not only continued, but it escalated at an alarming rate. Eventually, I wouldn't go anywhere without a knife - at least - on me at all times, and very rarely without "backup", AKA my fellow outcasts to watch my back and jump in if the numbers game got to be to much for me to handle on my own. We started referring to ourselves as a wolfpack, or simply "the pack", because we fought and cared for each other like a pack does.

There's also the fact that most "normal people" simply don't want to associate with a violent, dangerous sociopath (which is what I had turned into), so while I finally had some friends, I was more ostracised from normal society than
ever before.

So what does all of this have to do with my fear of rejection?

I was constantly afraid of not being "useful" or "letting down" my friends both the real ones and the ones that were just using me for my "talents". (Why else would any "sane" human being keep fighting after getting cut with a knife or hit by a baseball bat?) And honestly, how was I to know the difference between the tow groups of people I hung out with?
I had grown up with a mother that only showed her love when I "met her approval" and a stepfather who had no idea how to be a dad or how to relate to me - not that the man didn't try, Tyr bless him. He had no idea what he was getting into with me when he married my mother. Not only that, but in my last entry I said that "I think everyone is keeping score"
in reference to who I think is judging my worth. That's not entirely true. While I felt (feel) like everyone was (is), I didn't care about a lot of those people after awhile, to the point that I would have felt nothing if I watched them get hit by a car and die - or at least I pretended I didn't, even to myself. I'm honestly not sure which is more true, whether I
truly didn't care about them or I was just hiding it from myself and everyone else. I still had very little tolerance for insults or criticism from other people, so I obviously cared to some degree that no one would see me as "weak" or "lower than them". But the people I DID care about.... their approval meant EVERYTHING to me. It became the way I measured my own self worth. So if one of them rejected me or criticised me, it devastated me mentally and emotionally.

I think this is something that I have never truly gotten over, no matter how hard I try to hide it. I am an extremely cocky, arrogant person, and I feel that I have every right to be after surviving the things I have, but that arrogance is not the same thing as self worth. I still measure my self worth according to how the people I care about view me. Their "rejection", whether percieved or real, destroys me. If they reject me as a friend (or even worse, as a lover) then I am CONVINCED that I did something wrong, or that I'm not good enough for them. And I so desperately want to be, I obsess over what I have to do to convince them to "take me back", so much so that I have a really hard time grasping the concept of this break between me and Cricket having nothing to do with me - my ingrained response
is to question why I'm not good enough, or what I'm doing wrong. I have to remind myself HOURLY that this isn't "my fault", and it still never really sinks in, even after her repeatedly telling me this.

As a side note, I think my emotional disconnection - full blown sociopathy - started in high school, as a way to "cope" with feelings of rejection, particularly from my mother and even more so from girls. Let's be honest here: the "bad boy" image only works when you look the part, which I definitely did not. Thanks to my mom, I was regularly wearing christian shirts to school with my bowl cut, mangled glasses, and skinny build. I stopped feeling anytihng at all except for anger or a vague sense of amusement - and a fanantical, nearly homicidal loyalty to those I "cared" about. I'm
honestly not even sure it qualifies as love, although I thought it did at the time. Mohegan started to break that down 8 years ago, and Cricket helped Mohegan to finally break me free of it completely .

Now don't misunderstand me, it's AMAZING to actually feel things like love and happiness again. But after not feeling them for literally half my life, I have no idea how to deal with things like sadness, emotional pain, resentment, jealousy, fear... basically any negative emotion. I literally have NO coping mechanisms for these things, and I'm trying to learn them on the fly, while going through one of the hardest things I've faced, and without driving away someone I love who just desperately needs the time and space to deal with her own badly damaged psyche.

So yeah.... that's where I am right now.
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  #37  
Old 12-17-2010, 03:56 PM
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I'm really proud of you honey. We'll talk when you get here. I just wanted you to know how proud I am of you. Just keep going forward. No more walking yourself a trench.
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  #38  
Old 12-17-2010, 04:30 PM
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Just to give you something to think about on your drive...

I think a lot of fear we will never be good enough. That people are always keeping score. When having disagreements, people often bring up the past because it is hard to forget past hurts. But to us, when hearing it brought up and again and again, we are left thinking that someone is keeping score and if we don't do enough to make up for the bad things, we will never redeem ourselves.

The thing is,unconditional love is a bit different. When someone loves you unconditionaly, there is no score marker.

I don't keep score of your mistakes vs when everything is going right. I do expect you to acknowledge your mistakes and work on making the changes needed so they don't happen again. But I don't have a tally going.

And I think once you come to accept yourself, and love yourself and forgive yourself, you'll find that the world isn't looking at you as criticaly as you think it is. I think you may be projecting your own fears and guilt.

And there is nothing wrong with that, in the way that your still learning all of this and it is completely natural to do think the world looks at you under the same magnifying glass you do. When in reality, that just isn't the case.

My favorite therepist through the years told me something that I have carried with me since I was 10. " You are your highest judge, your worst critic and the executioner without a heart. So if you can forgive yourself, if you can see your worth, if you can be proud of your accomplishments, then what the hell does it matter what the rest of the world thinks?"

I know where your gonna go with that, but stop for a minute and think about it first. We carry guilt, not becuase of the person we harmed, but for ourselves. We were bad, we hurt someone, we didn't help, we weren't good enough, if we self punish, then no one can hurt us worse than what we do to ourselves.

Your past molded who you are. It does for all of us. We make decisions and changes based on the things we experience in our day to day life.

But as I told Cricket so many months ago, your letting the past dictate your future. Yes it has influence, yes you still have scars, but it's time to let them just be scars. Stop cutting them back open, stop reliving it. You are NOT who you were then. You are better for it. You are more compassionate because of it. But you are not still living it. It's time is over. You have walked that path long ago, it's time to take the lessons learned and move onto another path.

Not saying forget about, you can't just forget those things. I am saying take what you've learned and go forward. Stop living by the rules of the past. Your mom has no bearing on who you choose to be now. There are no highschool bullies ready to kick your ass. You are in charge of your life now.

Forgive yourself, heal yourself and move forward.
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  #39  
Old 12-17-2010, 06:03 PM
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I can relate, almost entirely to your early childhood I have a colourful past and one that falls in line with your early years. (including the baseball bat and knife fights actually, its kind of eerie)

I was lucky and got some counselling to deal with a lot of my misplaced anger, frustration and angst.

As for the "its my fault" syndrome, if you figure out how to solve that let me know. I know...I have to trust in the person I am having a challenge with, but that sometimes doesn't work. I think it is sometimes human nature to search for the cause, and sometimes you have to look in yourself. When my ex and I broke up I spent a long time looking at everything I did, nitpicking to the minute, or things I didn't do that might have fixed it.

At some point you have to stop looking to the past, realize the reality and stop mourning the loss. Celebrate what you had and move forward with those lessons. It sucks ass until you realize that, hurts and is painful. You are in fact mourning the end of something. You are a fighter, unfortunately this is something your can't just beat up, so I imagine some of your pain comes from that. Fight or flight doesn't work here...it just is.

Soooooo onto the bigger topic, no coping mechanisms. Congrats on recognizing it... now to the meat - Have you sought counselling SPECIFIC to that. Understanding your emotional burial and now its revival, you have been hung out to dry. People don't give enough credit to people who have never been taught how to deal, and some of us need that. I did...in many ways it backfired too, but I was able to deal. During times of duress and anger, those emotions ALWAYS show up as sadness. Being sad is better than feeling the rage again. Is it healthy, no, but it is something I am dealing with.

Seek help, find someone who specifically deals with sociopathy and understands with your newfound emotions you are really at the emotional maturity of a 13 year old. Having to learn everything that should have been dealth with through highschool.

Some things I can recommend which might help. And this is for your partners too

1 - if you are feeling a huge emotional swing - stop, walk away and ask for time. Don't. EVER make decisions or arguments during the swings. Your challenge will look like bi-polar depression when in fact its just your body not knowing how to deal. Take the time to control that swing and then re-engage. Fight that urge to fight - now, here comes the downfall. Ensure you watch for the upswings too. The extreme happiness is not good either. If you let yourself ride too high, the downswing can be really intense which makes it worse. Try to fight the large swings back and forth.
2 - You need to, during times of normalcy, ensure you inform your partners of the number 1 requirement. If you just walk away they need to know why, come up with a code word if you have to. But find that time to settle yourself and ensure they know why. Spouses/partners can react badly when you run away, and chase. NOT GOOD in this situation.
3 - Never put yourself in a situation where your learned instincts can kick in. Feeling anger, rage or sadness. Don't put yourself in a situation where a fight can happen. Your instinct is to fight, you have relative control of it....during intense times I bet you don't have as much control
4 - go to couselling

Have I mentioned counselling yet? Learning coping skills on your own is totally possible, but it sure is easier with help.

Ari
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  #40  
Old 12-17-2010, 06:45 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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What Ari said!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Karma View Post
my mother was a religious psychopath with a whole host of her own psychological issues who refused to allow me to have/attend the normal social experiences kids my age should have had because they were "a bad influence on a christian boy", and you end up with a dangerous, bitter boy with a serious underdog complex and not a snowball's chance in hell of acting or socializing like a "normal person".
My dad's mom was very much the same. He joined the wrestling team instead . His parents never once came to any of his matches or showed any kind of support at all. They wouldn't even pick him up on their way home after work, he had to arrange his own transportation home. Needless to say, he carries extreme resentment to this day. However, when we were kids, he made sure that he showed an interest in all of our activities and did everything in his and my mom's power to support us. I think he was able to re-live a lot of stuff through us and seeing my brother and I do the same for our kids makes him feel as if he has corrected a wrong.

There maybe some kid out there in your same situation and with your experiences you may be able to help save them from themselves.
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