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  #21  
Old 09-28-2010, 11:42 PM
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Quote:
Went out to visit a few friends tonight. Mohegan had a conversation with the female (they're a couple), and they came to the conclusion that they don't like my GF because of "the vibe they get from her".

What The Fuck!??!

If I actually understand things correctly, the friend actually said that she doesn't know why she doesn't like my GF, but that she isn't welcome in her home. What the hell is this? How do you dislike someone that much, when you can blatantly say that you don't know why you don't like them?

So now Mohegan can't tell me why she doesn't like my GF, other than she "doesn't like the vibe she gets from her", and that "she sets me on edge when she's around".
This isn't the first time women have just developed an inexplicable distaste for me. I'm not a loner by choice, dear, I'm a loner because at least a quarter of the women I meet are put off by me - and can't explain why.

After awhile, you get tired of it, and stop bending over backwards to present yourself as a good person to those who you upset, if they can't tell you why. To a degree, that may be what happened with Mohegan and I. That's definitely what happened with your friend.
She gave me that look of mild confusion mixed with discomfort that I've come to recognize, and I stopped trying to be her buddy. The same goes for a lot of the Darkonian women.
There's also the awkwardness of her man's opinion of me, and that alone would be reason enough for her and I to have....issues.
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  #22  
Old 10-10-2010, 07:33 AM
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I just wanted to say thank you. You being willing to sit down with my brother and SIL and have that talk meant the world to me. And seeing you willingly spend time with them, is beyond words.

My parents are whatever. My brother is my best friend. Seeing you guys gettng along, gives me hope that at least Cricket will get to meet them, be accepted and we can all be a family. A lot of that has to do with you and how you handled things.

I don't know how it's possible. But I love you more now, than I did two days ago.

And I'm looking forward to the future.
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  #23  
Old 11-30-2010, 11:57 AM
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Been awhile since I've been on here.

I'm trying to change something about my mindset that has plagues me for as long as I can remember, and I really don't know how to do it. It seems that, no matter where I set my goals in life as far as anything having to do with an occupation or career go, I always see only the negatives. I automatically start looking for the reasons that "this will suck" and fixate only on them. This is, largely, because I have never seen anything to lead me to believe that the idea of a job that doesn't make you fucking miserable is anything more than a myth - I grew up in an environment of alternating unemployment and misery taken out on me when working (my stepdad) and total unemployment (my mom). Subsequently, I have never had a job that I either didn't completely hate, or that something didn't suddenly change one day to make it something I hated. Add to this the fact that I've changed my major three times in as many years because nothing is ever what it seems to be once I get started taking classes on it... I have myself convinced that I will forever be forced to choose between either 40 hours a week of misery, or unemployment. Part of this is that I absolutely can not stand taking orders from someone who is incompetent at their job, which sums up 90% of my work experience. I see it partially as common sense, and partially as giving someone respect and power over me when they have no busniess recieving either.

Power.... that's a huge part of the issue right there. I have huge issues with someone thinking that they have any kind of power over me. I can't help think that most of my bosses/managers have had a sort of "that's right bitch, you'll do it because I said so" kind of mentality, and I REFUSE to be said bitch. I can't even really articulate why I feel this way, or if said impression is an accurate one. I have walked out of several jobs because I simply wouldn't deal with one more snide comment or power play from an employer - I'd rather be unemployed than take someone's shit, essentially, even if I end up homeless because of it.

This would be fine and acceptable, if I was the only person depending on me to bring in a paycheck. But, I have Mo to consider, as well as Cricket to a lesser degree (she's not dependant on me, but I'm willing to bet that she's like it if her boyfriend could afford to take her somewhere nice once in awhile).

Combine this with the fact that the last two majors I studied, I ended up simply not going to classes because I found out that most of what those jobs required violated my principles on a fundamental level or simply required me to deal with blindingly stupid, spoiled rich kids on a regular basis.... I end up sacrificing practicallity for principle on a regular basis. And I am, very much so, a man of my (somewhat skewed) principles.

Dealing with that is bad enough. But now, it's gotten to the point that I am convincing myself that I am going to hate my current major because "it's not going to be what I think it is", or "I'll have to take someone treating me like shit", or... insert some other random point of negativity here. And not only am I studying something I love (electronics), but I haven't even started classes yet!!

FUCK THIS!!!

It's completely unrealistic and irrational, but I have no idea how to NOT be this way. After a long talk with Mo tonight, I've come to the conclusion that I am like this because I've never seen anything work out right. Things always happen that end up making something that seemed good at the time, end up being something I can't stand being a part of. It stretches beyond employment, at this stage - I automatically think everything is going to fail. If something isn't going EXACTLY PERFECT with Cricket, for example, I start questioning what's wrong, does she want to break up for some reason, am I doing something that's driving her away, ect. ect. ect.

I've come to realize that this mentality is one of the reasons I decided to have an affair with her behind Mo's back in the first place - after all, 'Mo will never be okay or accepting of this, and we'll never fix our issues, so I just need to deal with them'. But I wasn't willing to walk away from what Cricket and I had...

If you've been reading this blog for awhile, you know how that turned out I'm here on a poly board for a reason, after all.

It seems that my one big hobby/obsession - Darkon - is where none of that applies. When I take the field with my boys (and girls), I KNOW that what I do will work. I've SEEN it work. I am a totally different person when I'm fighting. ANd I realized, after thinking it through, that it's not limited to just Darkon, but fighting in general. I grew up in martial arts and getting into fist fights all the time. I LOVE to fight, not because I like to hurt people, but because it's one of the only times I feel completely, totally confident that nothing will go wrong that I can't handle. I mean, I've already been pistol whipped, shot, hit with bats, jumped by multiple oponents, and cut with knives, so what else can go wrong? (yes, I realize how incredibly dangerous and foolish that thought process is, and I'm not completely like that... not completely).

The point to this rambling novel is this - I NEED to change this mentality that I have. I NEED to stop sabotaging everything I do with my own negative attitude/thought process/ past experiences.

But how do I do that? I'm completely lost on this... it's like knowing that you need to drive across town, but not having the first clue as to how to even start the car, let alone drive the thing.

Help?
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  #24  
Old 11-30-2010, 07:34 PM
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Karma, my father is alot like you. He realized with a wife and three kids he needed something different after quiting lots of jobs. He found a career he could be happy in. Yes, it took taking an apprenticeship for 2 dollars an hour.
Us going on food stamps and getting handouts from people.

However, he became his own boss and in charge of his own destiny. Perhaps that is something to think about. For him it was Air conditioning and heating.

Perhaps your not meant to go to college and need to seek out other paths.
College isn't right for everyone. I would think those things through.

Wishing you the best on your journey.
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  #25  
Old 11-30-2010, 09:22 PM
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Talk to people who are actually working in the field you want to go into. Find out what it will be like in the real world. The college world tends to be off on its own planet sometimes.

Electronics is a HUGE field with a lot of possibilities. However, to pay the bills sometimes you do just have to "suck-it-up" for a while until you find your niche and get the experience that other employers are going to require. Talk to anyone that has started their own business and they have all worked for stupid bosses, but you can hardly start your own business without any experience first.

My dad is a retired electrical engineer and sometimes he had good bosses sometime he has absolute jerks. There were many times he manage to shoot himself in the foot, because he didn't play well with others.
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  #26  
Old 12-11-2010, 11:27 AM
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So Cricket and I are "taking a break".

I'm a mess, and so is she. But I know she needs to do this. We still love each other, and she told me that she doesn't want to lose me.... but yeah. Still hurts like hell.

Tonight was night one of our split. I went to see her with a small group of friends. We had a good time, but not getting a good night kiss from her was kinda like a baseball bat to the ribs.

Actually, having experience in this area, I think I prefer the baseball bat

The hardest part of that particular issue is that last night, after our 3 1/2 hour conversation and the mutual decision that this is the bestthing for her right now, we were still very affectionate. We held each other, we both reassured each other that this wasn't the end, we exchanged kisses, even a few tearful ones (if that makes me a look like a bitch, too bad. I'm man enough to admit it when something makes me cry, it doesn't happen often.) She felt like the woman I fell for instead of the shell she has been lately. And then tonight, seemingly out of nowhere, there was almost nothing. I felt like she was shutting me out.

I need to know what the rules are here. I'v never done this "break" thing before... and I can't handle the "rules" changing on me like that out of nowhere. While I don't need to have everything planned out like Mohegan does, I NEED information. I have to know what's going on and where I stand in a given situation, or my mind goes crazy.

This sucks. I'm trying to keep from falling into old habits - IE shutting down emotionally - by throwing myself into whatever I can throw myself into that will force me to feel SOMETHING. I've made too much progress with my sociopathy to backslide now.

Hell, at least one good thing will come of this. I can guaran-damn-tee you that Teradox (my darkon country) will have their feared, confidence inspiring battlefield commander back, fully and in rare form!

My soul may be bleeding, but my family will take care of me. This I know. And they'll do it by kicking ass and taking names beside me.
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  #27  
Old 12-11-2010, 02:14 PM
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((hugs))
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  #28  
Old 12-11-2010, 02:45 PM
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think I need sleep, but I can't.

I feel like I'm ready to explode on someone. Good thing I'm surrounded by friends that know how I work... they keep me sane and out of jail.

Wonder what emotional changes the next half-an-hour will bring my way? Hell, at least I can feel something. I guess this is a big step forward for me.
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  #29  
Old 12-11-2010, 03:04 PM
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God, I just realized that I'm writing bad poetry and whining to my friends.

I'm becoming a sap. Someone shoot me please, before I start crying in a corner while listening to The Smiths and Morrisey
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  #30  
Old 12-12-2010, 01:40 AM
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MESSAGE CONCERNING THE RISKS OF SAPPINESS:

Many of you may know what sappiness is, or know someone who is a sap. However, you may not be aware that sappiness is a disease that, unless caught in it's early stages, can become completely untreatable and ruin the quality of life for everyone forced to be around the sap. It is most commonly transmitted sexually, but can also be transmitted through physical contact (holding hands, kissing, ect.)

Symptoms of sappiness:

General melancholy or mopiness.

Increased frequency of listening to bands like Morrisey, The Smiths, The Cure, and also My Chemical Romance or any other band that can be classified as "emo".

Annoying inability to talk about anything other than "that girl" or "that guy". Trust us, you'll know the one...

Related to the previous symptom, the complete inability to shut the hell up.

General whinyness.

Emotional Emasculation in males.

If you suspect that someone you love is suffering from sappiness, immediately seek treatment. Remember, while there is no cure for sappiness, it is completely treatable in it's early stages, and many victims of sappiness can go years, or even decades, without an outbreak or flare-up if proper treatment procedures are followed.

Treatments include:

Verbalized boot in the ass, EG. "Are you going to sit here and mope about her all night, or are you going to get up and do something about this?"

Exposure to fun. This may well have to be forced on the sap by means of physical restraint and possibly even kidnapping them to a public place, as they are often reluctant to leave their homes.

Removal of all offending CDs, MP3, and any other sources of "sap" music from the infected person. (see symptoms for examples, above)

Exposure to large, loud doses of heavy metal and rock music, with the intention of allowing the sap to re-discover their "balls" (applies to both males and females.)

Forced participation in creative outlets that do not, in any way, revolve around the subject of the sap's sappiness.

Friends/family of the infected may also need to monitor and control the infected saps schedule, making sure that there are plenty of activities that will prevent the sap from dwelling on the object of his/her sappiness.

In extreme cases, euthanasia may be required in order to put the sap out of everyone else's misery.

So remember, this highly irritating condition is completely treatable if caught early enough. Don't let someone you know become a sap: Friends don't let friends become saps. Be alert. Be aware.

(LOL. They say humor is the best medication, and if you can't laugh at yourself, then you're really screwed )
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