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  #11  
Old 11-04-2012, 12:30 PM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
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You realize you have feelings for Kim on par with those you have for your wife. You talk about it with Kim, but NOT your wife. You are shutting her out and forming a bubble of free discourse with Kim. You are surprised your wife is feeling more need of reassurance?

You say your wife and Kim are also friends. You go to Vegas with Kim. Your wife tries to spend more time with you and you and Kim see it as she ruined something for you two. Did you inform your wife of your plans for that day or is this another thing you did not share with her and can now conveniently hold against your wife for unwittingly ruining?

It might be a good idea to step back and count the blessings shared with your wife in the last 10 years and recognize that if she were not who she is - you wouldn't probably wouldn't even know Kim to have these feelings for in the first place. Your marriage to your wife is the vehicle by which you were able to express yourself sexually with this woman. Maybe go thank your wife and give her a kiss.
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  #12  
Old 11-04-2012, 07:58 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
That would be a compromise for sure. I would say that being able to talk about it and not act on it might still be very hard, but it would be a start.
Then you can ask her if that is a possible "soft limit." A soft limit is one that could change in time.

If she's thinking ""NO!" from a fear place but willing to step just to there there for X amount of time and then reassess at another checkpoint to see how it feels in then, perhaps it's worth it to try.

If she's thinking "NO way EVER!" right now and it is actually a hard limit, better she state that now. No amount of time would change it.

But since you are the one wanting changes, bring her various options when you try to discuss/negotiate that are at least palatable on your end. Give her places to go so there's options besides "pass/fail" there in that negotiation meeting. Does SHE have ideas? Hear them out.

Assess her willingness, but once assessed, respect where her willingness line lies. Then see if that line is something YOU are willing to roll with or not as you compare it to your own willingness assessment.

If neither are willing to find common middle ground, perhaps you can find common ground in both wanting a clean, quick, peaceful split.

Hang in there! I know it's hard to feel.

Galagirl
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  #13  
Old 11-04-2012, 10:23 PM
dante8198 dante8198 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Vinccenzo View Post
You realize you have feelings for Kim on par with those you have for your wife. You talk about it with Kim, but NOT your wife. You are shutting her out and forming a bubble of free discourse with Kim. You are surprised your wife is feeling more need of reassurance?
I tried to talk to her about those feelings and it didn't go well. I know that this isn't the best situation for me to be in and I don't feel very good about being in this position, but I am. By my own doing. And its time to change that one way or the other. Thus my post asking for advice.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Vinccenzo View Post
You say your wife and Kim are also friends. You go to Vegas with Kim. Your wife tries to spend more time with you and you and Kim see it as she ruined something for you two. Did you inform your wife of your plans for that day or is this another thing you did not share with her and can now conveniently hold against your wife for unwittingly ruining?
She knew all of my plans for the week. I didn't hide any of that from her. It would take another book of a post to explain our trips to Vegas but generally when we go up for car shows I only see my wife for a few hours over the course of a 4 day weekend because she gambles and I don't. I hang out with my car and truck club friends who are in town for the show. That is our norm for the last decade, so what happened this week was a surprise to me. And will be part of the conversation for sure.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vinccenzo View Post
It might be a good idea to step back and count the blessings shared with your wife in the last 10 years and recognize that if she were not who she is - you wouldn't probably wouldn't even know Kim to have these feelings for in the first place. Your marriage to your wife is the vehicle by which you were able to express yourself sexually with this woman. Maybe go thank your wife and give her a kiss.
Your right, if it weren't for her I wouldn't have ever been able to meet kim and have what I have. I thank her all the time for what she does and allows me to do. But that doesn't change how I feel about Kim or the dilemma that I am in.
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  #14  
Old 11-05-2012, 06:25 PM
snowmelt snowmelt is offline
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The two primary parts of this situation, if I understand it correctly, are:

1) Your wife does not want you to be with Kim the way you want to be with Kim - period.

2) You have feelings for Kim that are pretty urgent. So urgent, that not "going there" feels like a pressure cooker to you.


These two parts are pulling at each other and causing stress within you and between you and your wife. It's time for you to reevaluate your life, and decide what is important to you. Keep in mind, healthy change is a step by step process. Your urgent feelings want you to fast forward that step by step process. Just because your feelings are urgent, does not mean acting on them as fast as "they" want you to will improve your life.

You have an urgent want, and your wife is saying no. This may be showing you that you and your wife may no longer be compatible. There are times when one person's interest in poly is the catalyst for the relationship to end.

The best thing you can do is acknowledge your urgent feelings, but don't let them make your decisions for you. Reacting to urgent feelings rarely improves a person's life. Take the time to look at which one of the options, that are realistically available to you, you want.
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  #15  
Old 11-05-2012, 09:15 PM
dante8198 dante8198 is offline
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There is some very good advice in this thread. I am very glad I posted up. To your point Snowmelt, it is all very fresh right now. I do think that I will take a step back for a little bit and really try and figure out how I want to approach this. Its definitely something that I feel strongly that I need to address. At this point its just about finding the right way to go about it so that I address my wifes needs and make some ground on my needs as well.

Thanks everyone.
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