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  #31  
Old 07-15-2010, 12:09 PM
DazednConfused DazednConfused is offline
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This seriously does not sound like very healthy relationship behaviour on either of your parts. "She's hurting you and you want her more"? "she's flirting like crazy"? I believe that the love we attract into our life is a reflection of the love we feel for ourselves. I don't think that an effective way of dealing with NRE is to allow yourself to be treated badly. Allowing someone space and allowing them to treat you badly are two very different things
I can see why you'd say that. I think I probably articulated myself poorly. Just 2 weeks ago we were meeting with a Planner working on retirement, and now I can't even look two weeks out. I think I'm wanting/needed her more because I'm so scared of losing her. I really cant picture a life without her. Sort of happy might be better than never happy again. On her side, I think she's flirting more as a way to show me she still loves me and finds me attractive.

Last night was her first date free night since Sunday, she was sad. She said it's because she feels like everything is falling apart, she wants two relationships, and feels completely alone, like she has two half-relationships. I held her and comforted her as best I could until she went to bed, and I retired to the spare room. She also had somemore drama yesterday, she came out to her boss, who is a very dear friend of both of ours the day before. Her boss was very encouraging to her; but has also been a bit hard on her at work. As I said we're also friends, I called her to make sure she was ok, and understood I was going to be ok. Her boss just burst into tears and couldn't even speak. I told her I loved her, I'll be ok, and to please just try to support my mrs. as much as she could.
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  #32  
Old 07-15-2010, 03:00 PM
Livingmybestlife Livingmybestlife is offline
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Is it possible your doing what is called hysterical bonding. This is usually an affair mentality type thing?
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  #33  
Old 07-15-2010, 03:12 PM
DazednConfused DazednConfused is offline
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Is it possible your doing what is called hysterical bonding. This is usually an affair mentality type thing?
Googling now, thank you!!!
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  #34  
Old 07-15-2010, 11:28 PM
inlovewith2 inlovewith2 is offline
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Originally Posted by DazednConfused View Post
I'm more embarassed of what our friends will think of us, and particularly of me, as a Lesbian, who cant satisfy her wife, so her wife went to a man?


Thanks for the book suggestions, I need all the help I can get right now.

Dazed,

I feel so much for you, some of which is spillover for what I feel for my wonderful husband (on this board as David Webb).

I wish I could convince you, as I wish I could convince him, that the desire to be poly has nothing to do with your shortcomings. Her loving someone else, regardless of gender, does not mean that you don't satisfy her!

I have a potential oso, who has been in an open marriage for 15 years. He's been communicating with both my husband and myself and is just so grounded in why an open marriage works. He's rarely threatened by his wife's relationships (of course he's dating too, but thus far is not physically intimate with anyone since they've tried poly). She has at least 4 boyfriends or potential bfs right now.

I wish I could pass along his security to all who struggle. Instead, I'll just offer the example in the hopes that it is encouraging and wish you much peace as you work through this! Definitely read "Opening Up"!

Some people on here also suggested that I do a search on the board for mono and poly and mono/poly to get an idea of how it works for others. I've been reading some of these threads and getting a lot out of them. Perhaps if he hasn't DW will respond to you as well! He's been struggling with very similar concerns!

Best wishes,

Christie
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  #35  
Old 07-16-2010, 03:08 PM
DazednConfused DazednConfused is offline
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Thank you all so very much. My emotons are slightly settling down, or shifting. I was even able to kiss her last night withought the anger, or the thought of him, which was absolutely awesome. I've come to kind of a place of wierd acceptance. At the risk of sounding like an ass; I'm going to stop worrying about if/when I'll leave and protecting her from it and focus on trying to stay. If I get to the breaking point, I'll worry about it then. Until then, I'm going to do my damndest to Love and Woo my wife, she's a big girl, she can protect herself however she needs to. In the meantime, Im going to try to step out of my head and love with my heart. Could be disastorous, but I'll deal with that when the time comes. Last night she promised me she was going to try to be the woman I fell in love with, and be more respectful through this. If she can do that, it'll be a could start. She told me if it came down to losing me she'd stop; I'd never ask her that, but I'll worry about it later. I've been diligent and logical for two weeks, it may or may not have helped, but I love her dammit and I'm going to start acting like it again.
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  #36  
Old 07-20-2010, 09:39 PM
DavidWebb DavidWebb is offline
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Hi Dazed,
Any update from the last few days?

As far as what ILW2 said... yes, I am faced with some of the same issues. The external pressure of what others think. Sure, I hear all of the "Who cares what other people think?" "It's between you and your wife!" etc etc... but the fact is that I do feel it.

I've come to terms with the fact that it is not related to any short-comings of mine. But I still struggle with it being related to not-enough-comings of mine. (Does that make sense?) I think it was Sage (if not, I apologize to you and whoever did say it that I am not quoting correctly) that said it took a while to realize that even if they were THE perfect partner it wasn't going to make their spouse not poly. I found that useful to think about.

Good luck with your situation!
-DW
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  #37  
Old 07-20-2010, 10:38 PM
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Yes it was me that said that. Now I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that I don't have to be anything more than I am to be loved.

But I am also having the "what will people think dilemma" I told my 19 year old daughter last night and she had a fit. All the stuff I have come to expect, "why do you put up with it" "you deserve better" "You obviously don't make him happY" . I have worked through all that stuff but now I have to work through other people working through it. But hey I guess that's just life, I'm sure if it wasn't this it would be something else.
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  #38  
Old 07-21-2010, 12:54 PM
DazednConfused DazednConfused is offline
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Wow, ya, this isn't easy. Thank you all again for all your help, Id be completely at a loss without your wisdom, guidance, experience..

So Friday we went out, dinner, festivals...just a beautiful night.

Saturday, I dated her again, mall, lunch, movies, festivals..and then I screwed up, we went to the gentlemans club. We were having a great evening, drinking too much (Im quickly learning not a good plan til I get my head on straight). I smoke, and frequently have to run outside to partake in this nasty habit, which she begrugingly tolerates. Well, as the night wore into morn, I met a guy outside, nice enough. I don't know what I was thinking, if I was being a bitch or just having fun, Im sincerely not sure, I just know Im not this stupid. Invited him to join us inside. Had several cocktails with him, he walks us to out car, kisses us both. Now, I have no issue with this, a little drunk making out - not a biggie. Im just not sure what my motives were.

Sunday we went out for lunch and to the park, another date. I've know my gal for 6 years, and can read her like a book. She was obviously distracted and texting him whenever she thought she had a moment. It's not like she was blatent about it, she'd do it when I styepped away. Evenutally, she admits she told her BF about this parking lot make out session, and he got pissed.

I was angry, but understood, she couldn't be in the moment with me until she got this thing with him off her chest. I gave her some advice, and the rest of the evening was ok. Not great, just ok.

Monday night rolls around and we're watching TV, and shes texting with the BF like crazey, I snapped, she snapped, heated argument, hugged it out.

Took yeaterday off work to run some errands and gain some clairity. Read about half of "Ethical Slut" which really helped. I'm just all over the place. Before I met her, I was the epitome of the tramp, I dated a married guy for 6 years, typically would only sleep with people I would never want to see again, swore love didn't exist, I'd never wed...and now look at me!

So today, I'm calm and trying to be accepting. I repeatedly ask for reassurance that shes not leaving, which she gives me. I can't/won't give her the same until I'm certain. I have moments when I believe I can deal, and it might even be better in the long run. Then I have moments of "not good enough", "is she sharing our private stuff", "is she leaving", "this is so embarassing", and 1000 other random ugly thoughts. When she sings along in the car, it crushes me because I feel like shes singing about hm and not me anymore.

I'm really trying.
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  #39  
Old 07-21-2010, 01:13 PM
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TL4everu2 TL4everu2 is offline
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Ok Dazed, I'm confused here....And I'm not sure if this will affect anything or not, but are you a man? or a woman?

The reason I ask, is this: Men and women are typically wired differently, which would explain some things. (like why you have these emmotional feelings all the time) I was under the impression that you were a man. Men (typically) don't have as many emmotional feelings with the bounce from one end of the spectrum to the other.

Please note that I said "typically". It DOES happen, but not as common as with women. Just an observation. Thats all.








My appologies in advance if this question offends at all.
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  #40  
Old 07-21-2010, 01:16 PM
DazednConfused DazednConfused is offline
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LOL!! No offense taken, female here.
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