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Old 08-06-2016, 02:05 PM
hairqueen hairqueen is offline
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Florida
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Default In search of advice.... help?

So.... I really hope I came to the right place for this..

I'm Cristine, I'm 22 and I've been married for 2 years..
Recently my husband asked me for permission to step out of the marriage and basically have a one-night stand.
Well over weeks of talking about it we decided that I'm okay with him having a relationship with someone else as long as I don't get forgotten about.. So that lead into further talk of us completely opening up our marriage and him having a girl-friend because I feel safer that way(STDs are very high in the city we live in.)
Well then we started talking about us both being open... thats when it got messy. The SECOND i started showing interest in actually taking part in all this he says... "you have taken what I wanted in the first place and twisted it into what you want." and then said that we will just scratch the whole idea and figure something else out to save our marriage.
Oh yeah... This all started because all we do fight and he is always very angry with me.
So anyways... now I feel like he just wanted permission to go cheat on me rather than actually try something new that might work for us.
Can anyone give some form of advise or anything on that?

Last edited by hairqueen; 08-06-2016 at 02:11 PM.
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Old 08-06-2016, 02:39 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Location: Pennsylvania
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Your husband can't have his cake and eat it too.

If he gets to be poly then you should get the same option.

The bigger issue is if your relationship isn't 150% rock solid the chances of successfully being poly and having your marriage survive are slim to none. Poly is like throwing a flashlight in a previously broken vase that was fixed cheap glue. When you turn off the lights you're going to see every crack magnified 10 fold.
40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 50/50 split of time between my two husbands.

Last edited by Dagferi; 08-06-2016 at 02:44 PM.
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Old 08-06-2016, 04:17 PM
hairqueen hairqueen is offline
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Florida
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Thats kind of my thought, I read this book The Ethical Slut... And it opened my eyes a lot to having a poly lifestyle...
I also agree that since were not rock solid this could be a huge mistake.. I honestly don't know what else to do...
His desire for me has completely gone away and everything i do irks him..
He cries and feels so bad about it but nothing we do is working.
We're such a young couple and love each other so much.
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Old 08-06-2016, 04:30 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Love is not enough to sustain a marriage and have it be satisfying for both parties. There are other things to be done, like looking at what kind of partnership you have (equal or not?), how you communicate, how safe each of you feels to be yourselves, etc.

Every person in a love relationship needs to feel respected, valued, heard, safe, and that that they matter to the other person. If you don't have all those things, poly or swinging ain't gonna help - in fact, it will only hurt.

I think the best thing to do at this point would be to find a good marriage counselor to talk about the issues with a third party present who can see the dynamic you've both created. The outcome may or may not be that you stay together, but it is imperative that you both see things for what they are and address them. I don't think it will be possible to cultivate and nurture a strong foundation in your marriage without counseling or therapy as a first step.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.
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Old 08-06-2016, 04:34 PM
hairqueen hairqueen is offline
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Location: Florida
Posts: 11

I really thank both of you for your advise!
I will be talking with him about seeing a couseler some time soon...
I really do thank you!
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Old 08-06-2016, 04:50 PM
Hannahfluke Hannahfluke is offline
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Sometimes love isn't enough. Though he's certainly not acting like he loves you if he's constantly angry at you. Has he seen anyone to see if he's suffering from a hormonal imbalance or depression? I'd rule that out as the first thing I did.

My husband and I got married when I was 18 and he was 19. We opened up when he fell in love with a friend of ours almost 8 years ago. We're now looking at how to change our relationship so that I'm no longer hurt by the fact that he's much more compatible with his girlfriend now than he is with me. It's not easy transitioning from a primary partner to a secondary one. It sounds like that's what your husband wants you to do, but unlike mine, isn't okay with you dating also. Believe me, it will be easier to break up now if that's what needs to happen, than in 20 years.
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Old 08-06-2016, 05:13 PM
Leetah Leetah is offline
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I got together with my husband when we were twenty but did not marry for a long time. We have been in therapy every few years to cope with changing, and unchanging, relationship dynamics. I too suggest that time with a therapist who suits your needs would be very advisable.

This is not a cheerful thing to hear but part of the problem may be your youth. The two of you got together before you have finished growing up. The human brain is still developing in the early twenties, and for some people even later.

"By the late 20s, "there's better communication between parts of the brain that process emotions and social information—like what people think of you—and the parts that are important for planning ahead and balancing risk and reward," says developmental psychologist Laurence Steinberg of Temple University." http://www.wsj.com/articles/SB100008...01532208760746

It is possible that while you love each other like crazy you have grown in different directions and staying together is not going to be good for either of you. Your husband's anger, and your willingness to put up with it long term are things that could be addressed in therapy.

" I know you think you understand what you thought I said but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant"

Last edited by Leetah; 08-06-2016 at 09:41 PM.
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Old 08-06-2016, 05:59 PM
hairqueen hairqueen is offline
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Florida
Posts: 11

I really appreciate everyone for their great responses and advice.
Makes me feel a little less ...crazy?
I will definitely talk with him about therapy, I have a bad feeling he will have a negative response to that but I remain with wishful thinking/hopes/prayers and positive energy.
All of this mess has got me feeling like I need a personal therapist .. Or an extended vacation.
All of you have been so helpful :-)
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Old 08-06-2016, 06:43 PM
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Ravenscroft Ravenscroft is offline
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Originally Posted by hairqueen View Post
and figure something else out to save our marriage.
Couples counseling


or your marriage is already over, unable to survive past the honeymoon NRE nesting phase.

You husband may be highly intelligent & an all-around great guy -- but he's ACTING like a boneheaded jerk working up to overt abuse.

My guess is that the first session for the two of you should take place by about September 15th, or your marriage is dead.

Best of luck.
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Old 08-06-2016, 09:34 PM
MrFarFromRight MrFarFromRight is offline
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Location: Ping-ponging around Europe, trying to get a publishing concern off the ground
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Hi, hairqueen, and welcome!
Originally Posted by hairqueen View Post
So.... I really hope I came to the right place for this..
Time will tell. You seem to appreciate the advice that you've had so far...

There seems to be some confusion of issues going on here. As I read it (and PLEASE tell me if I got this wrong),

a) your husband [of 2 years] and you were always fighting;

b) to "save your marriage" he came up with the brilliant idea of having a one-night stand;

c) I rather assume that you meant a SERIES of one-night stands, since

d) rather than run the higher risk [of picking up STDs] with this series of one-night stands, it was YOU who talked him into getting a girlfriend (i.e. you'd rather that he was with one other woman for many nights than with many women for one night each);

e) once this can of worms was opened up, you began to consider the possibility of having a boyfriend yourself;

f) at which point, your husband gets all upset, accuses you of "tak[ing] what I wanted in the first place and twist[ing] it into what you want";

g) he announces that an open marriage doesn't seem to be the solution, after all, and that you'll both "just scratch the whole idea and figure something else out to save our marriage".

I can understand the accusation in f) in 2 ways, and I'd appreciate some clarification. He could have meant:
"I was talking about my getting some casual sex, and here you are talking about relationships";
or "I was talking about my wants and needs, and you've twisted it, introducing the totally irrelevant matter of your wants and needs. This was about me, me, ME... and you've perverted it into being about us!"

Then again, he may have meant both at the same time. What's your take on this?

Therapy might help, if you really want to save your marriage. But he'd have to be willing to put in a WHOLE lot of work to stop being such a self-centred bozo.

Another option would be to cut your losses and walk away from the jerk.

Try the therapy, by all means. But unless he's willing to take an HONEST look at himself, and start respecting your needs a helluva lot more, there's not a lot of hope. Therapy isn't getting an expert to solve your problems, it's getting an expert to help you see where YOU need to put a lot of energy into solving your own problems.

I can see poly working for you. I can't see it working for him... unless he makes some radical changes in the way he relates to YOU (and to relationships in general).

Last edited by MrFarFromRight; 08-06-2016 at 09:41 PM.
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