Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner


Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 11-02-2012, 03:28 AM
tjeknagmen tjeknagmen is offline
New Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 2
Default Newbie here. Need help

So my wife and I decided to try swinging last year. Long story short that turned into an open marriage which turned into my wife saying "she's polyamorous".

Last year we decided that we'd try an open marriage(started with a little swinging, we decided that having FWBs was ok). Well, one of our friends fell on hard times and he moved in with us, at my suggestion. We wanted to help him out. Well I knew that my wife had a little crush on him but it blew up into hardcore mad "I'm in love with him". This was never a relationship that I agreed was ok. (I got drunk one night and told her she had a hall pass and they fooled around but he couldn't get it up[wtf]). I got super anxious and couldn't handle it. Eventually I basically gave her an ultimatum that this wasn't ok, and she had to cut it off. She did back away and then realized that she wasn't that into him and she started to get irritated whenever he was around.

Months later, we feel that we've got ourselves stable, decide to try open again. We have some threesomes with my friend, and they become FWBs. He moved away and we decided to open OKC accounts. Well, she eventually meets this guy she's totally into. I can't stand the idea of him as her lover. I can't find anyone that will even return my message that isn't totally not my type. So now she really wants a relationship with this guy and I feel forced into it. I have tried having things with other women and sexually they didn't work out. She's was my first and I just feel weird being with another.

She insists she's poly and I'm holding her back as a person. I don't know what to do.. I feel like she's forced poly on me yet we can't ever fathom divorcing. I don't know what to do. I can't get past the jealousy every time she's texting him. We fight about it daily now
Reply With Quote
Old 11-02-2012, 04:27 AM
Witch Witch is offline
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 19

Just from my personal beliefs I have to say what you're wife is doing is a bit unfair. While marriage is complicated and the bond is very important, to say you're holding her back as a person is not quite nice to say. The only person holding her back is herself. She could leave you if she truly wanted to be "herself" and for her not to acknowledge your feelings as well is a little selfish(but there are two sides to every coin so hear me out).

My husband and I slowly have been developing the idea about polyarmory with him, and he's known I've always believe in the ideals of polyarmory. (Since I was about 16 after dating around for awhile). Maybe it's because I'm polyflexible and can let myself be in a monogamous relationship for the sake of the ease of mind of my spouse. Perhaps she can't be polyflexible, so I can't make full judgement here, as everyone, IMHO, is different.

Best advice I can give you on your own feelings is understand why you feel jealous. How are you supposed to deal with something when you can't put into a sentence, "I feel jealous when she talks to men because....?" Do you feel you're inadequate, because she seeks other relationships? Do you feel like you have ownership to her? Or do you feel it's deep seated in societal norms that being with one person only is the only right way and what shes doing is wrong? Do you feel she'll love you less, because she loves another?

Once you end up with a good explanation(s), then try to weigh pros and cons. Example: I feel inadequate. Talk to your spouse and tell her how you feel. She'll most likely try to reassure you that you're not inadequate. That most likely won't be enough, so discuss with her on how she can take the responsibility of meeting your needs, since you've agreed to allow her more freedom, meeting her needs.

From what I've read, you keep saying how you can stand it when she gets close or talks to another man. But WHY, why does it bother you so much? That's a VERY important thing(s) to understand to begin dealing with your emotions. And talk to her about everything. This is something you're going to have to work with her through if you decide to stay with her while she wishes to be polyamorous. Her adding a new dynamic to her life, will affect your relationship, so she should take responsibility to work on the relationship with you. But try to be open minded and understand a few things. Such as: She most likely will not loose any love for you. Love does not have a quantity, but rather you work to insure the quality.
Reply With Quote
Old 11-02-2012, 12:21 PM
tjeknagmen tjeknagmen is offline
New Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 2

I suppose I do feel like "I'm not good enough".

A little more background:
She's had a few "close friendships" with men in the past when non-monogamy wasn't even up for discussion. Nothing ever became sexual, but these were tough to deal with. So I've felt hurt by these incidents. I'm sure that is part of my feeling insecure about this now.

I brought up the idea of non-monogamy in the context of swinging. Something I wanted to try. We did very little of that and then it morphed into "open marriage" which last year she decided that she's poly. This isn't something I've ever been ok about. I have tried to find some kind of relationship for me to get my mind of off hers but have had zero success so far.

I guess I feel like I'm not good enough for her, like she's willing to damage what we have for a passing romance and I can't wrap my head around it.
Reply With Quote
Old 11-02-2012, 04:44 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: US
Posts: 2,171

Search on the forum for 'mono/poly'. It sounds like to me that you are not so into poly, maybe not really into swinging or open relationships, at least at this point. But your concerns, fears and other emotions are very common. Lots of people feel like they are not enough for a partner exploring poly or open relationships. Lots of people feel jealousy or envy that their partner has found another person and they have had no luck so far. It can be worked out but it will take a willingness on your part and hers to really look into your fears and emotions, understand where they come from and address them. It's hard but people have done it.

Good luck.
Reply With Quote
Old 11-03-2012, 04:59 AM
Anneintherain's Avatar
Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Seattle-ish
Posts: 826

Originally Posted by tjeknagmen View Post
I suppose I do feel like "I'm not good enough".

I guess I feel like I'm not good enough for her, like she's willing to damage what we have for a passing romance and I can't wrap my head around it.
I don't know if this will be helpful, but when you are looking for people to date (even if you're not having success at the moment) was there a part of you thinking "I'm doing this because she's not good enough for me"? If not, just try to keep in perspective that she isn't thinking that about you either. I'm not saying she's being the kindest or best partner right now, but don't think it's about you being adequate or enough.
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.
Reply With Quote
Old 11-04-2012, 02:30 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,263

Could any of this help with the jealousy?


What kind of open model relationship where you hoping for? Sounds like you wanted primary/secondary swing style and she wanted something else. Are you in agreement with the model you have today?


Could part of the jealousy be speaking to the fact that she's got dates and you do not?

What is feeding the "I am not enough" feelings?

Reply With Quote

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 09:19 AM.