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  #11  
Old 07-09-2010, 01:12 PM
DharmaBum23 DharmaBum23 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Aww, thanks for sharing so openly and vulnerably. It's totally understandable to me you'd feel violated, like your boundaries have been crossed big time. No wonder you feel turned off to touch w even your SO right now.

Take you time and feel your feelings. They will pass eventually, if you don't ignore them now.
TY. The thing that is wierd is that I want touch and don't at the same time. It's like craving something that you feel very deeply is wrong. The closest thing I can compare it to is if you were in a monog relationship and you had a crush on your best friend's SO. The want is there but the whole thing feels filthy and wrong. At the moment, the world is my best friend's SO.
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  #12  
Old 07-09-2010, 01:14 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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I hope you can get past the "sex" part of all this and get to a place where it's not about sex, but about control. Someone tried to control you and make you do something you didn't want to do. The "sex" part was just part of the specifics. If someone had tried to steal your identity and make purchases in your name, you would have also been violated, but would going shopping still be unpleasant?

Maybe that's simplifying it a bit too much, but I'm really trying to offer you a way of coping by mentally compartmentalizing certain things. In a way, it is a piss-poor analogy because I don't like shopping even though I have never been traumatized by it.

Please disregard this advice if you feel that it won't help.
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  #13  
Old 07-09-2010, 01:24 PM
DharmaBum23 DharmaBum23 is offline
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Originally Posted by YGirl View Post
I hope you can get past the "sex" part of all this and get to a place where it's not about sex, but about control. Someone tried to control you and make you do something you didn't want to do. The "sex" part was just part of the specifics. If someone had tried to steal your identity and make purchases in your name, you would have also been violated, but would going shopping still be unpleasant?

Maybe that's simplifying it a bit too much, but I'm really trying to offer you a way of coping by mentally compartmentalizing certain things. In a way, it is a piss-poor analogy because I don't like shopping even though I have never been traumatized by it.

Please disregard this advice if you feel that it won't help.
Hey, thank you(no sarcasm, seriously). That is something that I can work towards and it actually helps me to make sense of it a little more. I have to work a little harder at this part because I have always had an uneasy relationship with anything sex related in the first place. This is very helpful, TY.
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  #14  
Old 07-09-2010, 02:01 PM
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Honestheart Honestheart is offline
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Originally Posted by DharmaBum23 View Post

She had shown interest in me in the past two weeks since we had met online but I was uncertain and didn't make any promises as we hadn't met yet.



..... Then after asking me to take my shoes off she lunged at me. I said again and again that I didn't want to be intimate with her and she tried to pull me down on top of her.

After pushing her off of me more than once she laid down limp on the floor of the tent and I left.

I feel very fragile and tired right now. I feel stupid for having gone to this event, I feel stupid for being nice to this woman in any way, and I feel triply stupid for thinking that me saying no had any weight at all and going into that damned tent. My only comfort right now is that I honored the relationship agreement with my primary.
not... i repeat NOT YOUR FAULT. in any way. you were NOT stupid for going to the event... you wanted to go and you were meeting with sumbody with whom you were interested in exploring the possibilities with.
NOT your fault for going into the tent. you made your intentions clear before and again just before going into the tent as did she.
NOT your fault that she was misleading in her intentions and LUNGED at you.
NOT your fault you had to PUSH HER OFF YOU.
NOT your fault that SHE made the choice to try to FORCE herself onto you and FORCE you onto her...
YOU WERE NOT STUPID. you had suspicions, with no confirmations AND you did the smartest thing possible afterward in that you recognized she was "unstable' with you there and you took yourself out of that bad situation. you made the right choice.
you were not stupid at any point.
it is not your fault nor does it make you stupid if she is not willing to accept your intentions and statements and chooses to bluntly ignore them!
got it...? so STOP that thinking RIGHT NOW!
and by the way....
(((hugs))))) <-- you sound like you need that.
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  #15  
Old 07-09-2010, 02:54 PM
Ilove2men Ilove2men is offline
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The words that I have found to explain how past sexual abuse (even attempts of sexual abuse) made me feel is that they took my face away. What I mean by this is I was no longer a person. They saw me as a vessell to achieve they're own self indulgent satisfaction. This to me right here is what made me feel the most dirty. Not what actually happened, but that there are people walking this earth that are okay with making others sub human for their own... So they can get off. It just makes me feel nasty. It makes my skin crawl knowing these people exist. I have the same issues with touch to this day. I want it yet sometimes it still freaks me out when someone is getting what I feel is too much pleasure from what I am doing. Even just cuddling or twirling hair and I will back off. What I have found that helps me with my issue is I need them to see ME. The person behind my face. If they have their eyes closed when I have a moment I just say their name so they look at me and I see the recognition that they know I'm there. I know it must sound weird. But my best advice is to keep writing and talking. When you find the right words to define what happened inside of you because of it you will find some peace and you will also know what it is that you need to heal inside of you. And the anger is a natural part of being violated. It will die down as you continue to process this.

Last edited by Ilove2men; 07-09-2010 at 02:58 PM.
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  #16  
Old 07-09-2010, 08:07 PM
DharmaBum23 DharmaBum23 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Honestheart View Post
not... i repeat NOT YOUR FAULT. in any way.
....
got it...? so STOP that thinking RIGHT NOW!
and by the way....
(((hugs))))) <-- you sound like you need that.
TY. I am feeling better. It's just a lot to process.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ilove2men View Post
What I mean by this is I was no longer a person. They saw me as a vessell to achieve they're own self indulgent satisfaction. This to me right here is what made me feel the most dirty. Not what actually happened, but that there are people walking this earth that are okay with making others sub human for their own... So they can get off. It just makes me feel nasty. It makes my skin crawl knowing these people exist. But my best advice is to keep writing and talking. When you find the right words to define what happened inside of you because of it you will find some peace and you will also know what it is that you need to heal inside of you. And the anger is a natural part of being violated. It will die down as you continue to process this.
I think that's the part that really bothers me. It isn't that she didn't understand what I was saying, that I was obtuse or unclear. It's just that she didn't care. At all. Period. The rules of my relationship, my feelings, thoughts, none of it. She only cared about what she wanted. About getting control over me to get as much out of me as she could.
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  #17  
Old 07-10-2010, 01:58 AM
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phoenix762 phoenix762 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by immaterial View Post
For anyone who reads this, reverse the gender roles. A lightbulb is sure to go off. All of your feelings stem from having been *sexually assaulted*. Yes, men can be sexually assaulted too. Your experience is a case in point. If a female had written the original post, I'm quite sure the replies would be along different lines.

You have some healing from assault trauma to work through. Whatever your feelings are, you have to write them out, honor them, take them seriously. You were the victim of a sexual assault, plain and simple.

Immaterial
That's EXACTLY what I was thinking. She was wrong on SO many levels....
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  #18  
Old 07-10-2010, 10:44 AM
HappiestManAlive HappiestManAlive is offline
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Everyone has posted good advice, thoughts, and truths. You will get past it, and you were not wrong, she was. BUT - I'm going to risk being unpopular and see it from her side for a second. I know a lot of women like her, and have been in this situation numerous times. Someties I 'escaped', sometimes I went long with it, sometimes I didn't excape and realized that I was in fact the victim of female/male rape. Personally, my own frame of mind allows me to not be all that messed up by that, but that makes ME weird, not anyone else, lol. ANyway -

She's probably the victim of sexual abuse and/or assault herself. She's probably been objectified more than most for numerous reasons - many her own fault, but the attitude that her self worth is tied to her sexuality is a strong one. And she probably truly can't comprehend a guy that will say 'no' to an attractive and sexually aggressive female; very few will.

I bet if you find a way to empathize with her position, you'll find it easy to forgive, and a LOT easier to get over it. Somewhere in there, she thought she was doing something nice for you, she really did, regardless of how misguided and selffish her primary reasons.

FWIW...
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  #19  
Old 07-10-2010, 06:10 PM
otter otter is offline
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quote[ I have to work a little harder at this part because I have always had an uneasy relationship with anything sex related in the first place ] quote

After reading this I understand why this is hitting you so hard. This problem runs deeper then just this one encounter. I would like to incurage you to seek help. You really need to find out where these feelings are coming from. You need to come to peace with them before you can truly come to peace with your self.
I wish you the best of luck. It is horrible what she did to you, but it truly sounds like a deeper problem.
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  #20  
Old 07-10-2010, 06:28 PM
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Morningglory629 Morningglory629 is offline
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Good points made here men (and women- but so good to see the guys support eachother). Very progressive and enlightened views on sexual assault and personal responsibility.

Dharma, you were neither responsible for this women's behavior nor dishonest in feeding her expectations of what may/may not happen. You should really be proud that you have ethics and the character to honor your agreements with SO. She displayed weird, Fatal Attraction behaviors, and was not only disrespectful but kind of stalkerish. I don't know you but I am really proud of the way you handled the situation. I hope you can work thru this asap and allow your SO in to help you with regaining your ability to be intimate.
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