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  #21  
Old 05-31-2009, 10:58 PM
alphafour alphafour is offline
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Originally Posted by Derbylicious View Post
This topic (at least to me) is how do I get over my insecurities.
Well, I am just a single guy right now, and I can afford to think about me, me, me.

I don't worry about what gold leader or anybody else thinks. I simply have to be secure in the thought that love can be for myself, and given to nobody else, or I can show it to others. I have trouble loving just one person, so i am poly.
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  #22  
Old 06-01-2009, 03:51 AM
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Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
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I'm thinking that going into a poly relationship when all parties are starting out that way is much easier than adjusting to the change 5, 10 or more years into a previously monogamous relationship.
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  #23  
Old 06-01-2009, 04:17 AM
alphafour alphafour is offline
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Originally Posted by Derbylicious View Post
I'm thinking that going into a poly relationship when all parties are starting out that way is much easier than adjusting to the change 5, 10 or more years into a previously monogamous relationship.
I am trying not to dominate the forum or the thread, but participation is a bit lacking. Hopefully membership will rise, and activity will increase over time, and I won't have to be the only one here. I just can't let you go without a near term response.

You hit the nail on the head with those words. It is much easier to start without "baggage." I am not judging your "carry-ons" as much as recognizing that your burden includes every member of your family. The happiness (or at least contentment) of several people depends on how you and your husband are able to cope with the recognition of a desire that is greater than the "normal" or "standard" bonds of marriage can handle.

So far, you are handling it in the most decent way possible. You have laid the truth on the table, and didn't violate the important trust of your relationship. That is so commendable, IMO. Very few people can live up to that standard, yet you have done so. I try to explain to mono people about the standard of honesty in poly relationships, and they just don't get it. More often, the monos end up cheating without disclosure. Most monos call it "cheating" to be a poly. I don't believe they treat us fairly, and I do believe that poly relationships make trust a primary, and more useful criteria.

Last edited by alphafour; 06-01-2009 at 04:30 AM.
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  #24  
Old 06-01-2009, 01:14 PM
vampiresscammy vampiresscammy is offline
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heyla and welcome Derby

my advice would be talk to him, ask him to share any details about any possible new ladies and to take it slowly til you find your level of okayness, and to continue to keep you in the loop, maybe even talk to the new lady if possile. baby steps til you both find your comfort zone of sharing. lots of luck to you both.
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  #25  
Old 06-01-2009, 06:20 PM
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Lemondrop Lemondrop is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Derbylicious View Post
I don't really know how to start this. My husband and I have been together for 15 years. I pursued him quite actively and for the beginning of our relationship we were "friends with benefits". He would frequently talk to me during that time about how he wanted a girlfriend and that no one would ever want him ect. Even though it's irrational I've always had a little nagging feeling that he just settled for me. (Even though we have been happily married for 10 years).

So fast forward to about 2 years ago. We started talking about opening up our relationship. I have a girlfriend who I see occasionally. She also has a husband and we all get along well. I'm having trouble with the idea of my husband forming a relationship with another woman. Because I'm insecure I'm worried that he's looking for the one that he really wants, not the one that relentlessly hunted him down until he gave in.

I'm not sure how to get past this. I want him to be happy. I just hate feeling like I'm in direct competition with someone else. Anyone else been through something similar?

Something that has helped for me is to visualize what would help me feel more secure and ask for it. My quad talks constantly. Constantly! It is, by the way, the reason I haven't been here very much lately. We've apparently had a lot to talk bout. But basically, I read as many poly books as I can get my hands on, figure out what applies to me, and talk to the others about it. We're quite blessed to have a fantastic other wife who is quite skilled at communicating.

I don't know what your insecurities are based in. I understand that you feel like he settled, but I don't know what actions he's taking now that are perpetuating it. An example that might help--I feel like my husband doesn't care who fills the role of wife, as long as there's someone in the role. I feel like he doesn't see me or know me, and I don't feel like I can trust it when he says that he loves me. At the suggestion of our other wife, we got a book called The Five Love Languages, which revealed that my "love language" is touch--my husband is not very affectionate, and I felt the lack of touch but didn't realize that was the problem. We talked about what the minimum was for me to feel loved. We came to an agreement that he and I would drop everything at 11:30pm and just cuddle with one another until we fell asleep. The agreement sounds very cold and unfeeling, but just the added touch has helped center me. It's been less than a week since we made the agreement, but today I woke up feeling more happy and sane than I have in a long time.

So, ask yourself, how can I feel like he's choosing me? I don't recommend the trial-by-fire approach--our other wife tried it, and it seemed like nothing our other husband did was right. Every action he took made it appear that he was choosing me over her. We've had to take a step back to save the relationship.

Perhaps you can come up with a reasonable action that might not seem like much, but given time will help you feel like he's choosing to be with you. You're welcome to talk to me--I'm about two months into my only poly relationship, and in a polyfideltious quad comprised of two married couples. BTW, I very much feel like my husband married me because I pursued him.
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  #26  
Old 06-02-2009, 05:19 AM
Mark1npt Mark1npt is offline
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It probably is easier for all to be poly first then progress into a relationship, but I think other ways are achievable too. From my own experience of springing it on my wife of 27 years and her best friend of 20, it's been trying and hurtful at times but really seems to be deepening our friendships all around and now working toward a very fulfilling and meaningful lifestyle. I get the feeling there are many possible combinations that can and do make this poly stuff work. But it is work, just like any other marriage or meaningful long term relationship.
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  #27  
Old 08-17-2009, 03:37 PM
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River River is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by badeth View Post
Honestly, I'm opposed to polymory....
Badeth,

Are you opposed to polyamory in a restricted sense, as in your own relationship? Or does your opposition extend to others and society, generally?
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  #28  
Old 08-17-2009, 03:44 PM
XYZ123 XYZ123 is offline
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Badeth,
Why on this board if you oppose polyamory? And, your signature...michigan divorce laws...hmmm...?
Maybe you have good reasons but I find it strange.
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  #29  
Old 08-17-2009, 04:00 PM
Creatress Creatress is offline
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Hey. I can't contribute TOO much to this topic because I'm fairly early in my first poly relationship as well (a few months, really, most of which has been long distance). While I was visiting, this did come up a bit, though. We're a quad of one man and three women, one of whom has been married to A for over ten years. They married young, and in some ways the wife sees the circumstances of their marriage as detracting from their love, that if A found someone he was more compatible with, he'd leave her. While that's scary on an emotional level, it's scary on a practical level too, because they have four children, so the idea of being launched into single motherhood is pretty terrifying.

We've handled those fears thus far by reiterating that even IF that were a strong, realistic possibility, she wouldn't be single for long, because she's quite a catch. Besides that, after this long, I think if he really wanted out, he'd get out. I do think that it's just a matter of women (all humans, actually) in general being prone to insecurity and being able to manipulate ANY information into something personally hurtful to ourselves.

The only way to REALLY know is to let this play out, talk through everyone's feelings often, try to meet each other's needs for freedom/security/reassurance/stability along the way, and learn that he chooses to be with you every day. I would also think of that act that makes you say "if only he did ____, I'd know that he really does love me." He shouldn't have to prove himself constantly or whatnot, but once in a while, you do need that proof, that reassurance. Once you know what it is that would make you feel confident about his love for you, verbalize it to him, don't just expect him to be telepathic about it.
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  #30  
Old 08-17-2009, 11:14 PM
Barry Barry is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Derbylicious View Post
There is so many things going on in my head and not a lot of it makes sense. I know things logically but I guess I just don't know them emotionally. More stuff to work through I guess. And here I was thinking that I didn't have any issues. I have a lot of issues that have come from a whole lot of places. I was so good at repressing them until now :P..
Where I'm going with this thread will be a bit controversial. You have defined "part" of the problem. What is going on in your head. That dialog sets the stage for the outcome. For example, I've had conversations in my head before meeting with a particular customer with whom I have an adversarial relationship with. By the time I actually came face to face with him I was already pissed off by my own internal dialog, by the conversation I had with him in my head. It sets the stage for the outcome. If you find yourself chewing on the issue while you are sitting, or while you are working, or while you body is busy doing something else.....stop. Make a conscious effort to stop. Either meditate or focus "completely" on what you are currently doing. This won't remove the issue, or change problems that you will face in the future. But it will stop you from chewing on issues from the past, and it will stop you from projecting them into the future. When it comes to this one issue, try to keep it in the present, keep it in the now. That way you won't be draining off the vital energy you need to make your relationships a success.

Barry
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