Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 08-22-2009, 04:15 AM
crackertat2s crackertat2s is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 2
Default got in trouble

Hello everyone I am new to this label I have felt like this for as long as I can remember.. My father had two women living in the same house ... I have had 3somes and women living in the house with my wife and I... Even my brother has a wife and a g/f... But I need help fixing this problem I have created for myself.....My wife and I have been through a few rough spots and thing get better then get shitty again... But I love her ... Now here is the start to the problem I had met a young lady that I was attracted to and I wanted to ask her if she would be interested in having a 3some...So I got her number her internet info and we started talking she told me I was crazy its far fetched ect... But she didnt say no..So I kept pushin for it... I introduced her and my wife , they seemed fine...Then I realized I started liking her more than the others b4 her... But had no intention in leaving my wife for her...or cheating on my wife... So I had talked to this girl about polygamy and told her to watch BIGLOVE ect.. Told her thats how I wish life could be multi wives ect... She thought it might work ...My wife seemed okay with it too.. Then I excluded my wife one night to go to the girls house and watch a show and talk more... My wife flipped out on me and things got super ugly.. My wife told me I should have never chose the girl over her ect...Which I didnt feel I did...(its to late to make this short but I am trying)... anyway My wife and I started going down hill again and we split up I didnt think we would ever get back together so I started dating this other girl... My wife wanted me back so bad she told me that she would do the poly relationship so that we could be together once again... So I put some thought into it and agreed to go for it... never stopped loving my wife and I figured that she deserved another chacne if she was willing to do this for/with me..After less then a month My wife forced me to break it off with my g/f.... I was not happy at all ... But I did...well I alowd my wife to do it..So I falll off the wagon get shitfaced and go to this girls house becasue I realize I love her as well as I love my wife... I tell my wife the next day after I sober up and she gets upset and angry .. Now she knows I am with this girl but doesnt want to accept it... But I dont know what to do I love both of them... I love both of them alot... My wife tells me to find a new girl but I dont want to...Someone please help and I know I messed up somehow someway I just need help getting through this... Oh and by the way THANK YOU ALL ... I finally feel normal
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 08-22-2009, 05:21 AM
vandalin's Avatar
vandalin vandalin is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 520
Default

So let's see if I get this right. Your wife is ok with swinging and an open sexual relationship, but she is not ok with the emotional relationship that you formed with this new gal? Is that about right? Had you and the gf started getting physical yet? Are we also to assume that you and your gf had sex when you were drunk and went over there? Are you back on the wagon again?

How well do you and your wife communicate? Are you able to talk about these things or does it always/usually end in fighting? Do you know why she is uncomfortable with the situation or just that she is uncomfortable?

That's it for now, I'm sure others will have questions and comments too.

Welcome to the forums and good luck!
__________________
Life is about the journey and not the destination,
so what better way to know life
than to wander all the roads and paths set before you.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 08-22-2009, 02:57 PM
Quath Quath is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 504
Default

Why does she not like your girlfriend? Is it because of the drama that you three have shared or is there something about the girlfriend she just doesn't like?

And welcome to the forums!
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 08-23-2009, 03:07 AM
crackertat2s crackertat2s is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 2
Default

Yes My wife is okay with me having sex with other women..Me and my G/F have been sexually active , not the night I went there drunk.. And yes I am on the wogon again..LOL I cant handle my alcohol...We cant talk cause my wife just tells me if I keep seeing her she will leave me sooner or later and she cries... crying isnt fair....and Im sure there is a million things my wife doesnt like about my G/F... where should I begin... I just dont want to lose either of them ... and I dont know how to fix this I am sure if I had a time machine some stuff could be better but I dont so I dont know what to do
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 08-23-2009, 11:23 PM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Right here. Right now.
Posts: 649
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by crackertat2s View Post
My wife seemed okay with it too.. Then I excluded my wife one night to go to the girls house

... My wife flipped out on me and things got super ugly.. My wife told me I should have never chose the girl over her ect . . .
Your wife likely feels threatened by your emotional attachment to your gf and insecure in your marriage.

You need to take some time to decide what you really want and what is most important to you. When you have figured this out, share this new-found insight with the ones you love. If you want to keep your marriage, you may need to invest some serious time strengthening your relationship with your wife, making sure that she understands in a deep way how important she is to you and how much you love her.

Similarly, if what you want most is to create a polyamorous life, you may have to face the possibility that your wife will never go along with that. You may have to give up what you’ve built there in order to create what you really want.

But whatever you decide, I wish you and your loved ones all the best.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 08-24-2009, 01:50 AM
River's Avatar
River River is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: NM, USA
Posts: 1,894
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Fidelia View Post
If you want to keep your marriage, you may need to invest some serious time strengthening your relationship with your wife, making sure that she understands in a deep way how important she is to you and how much you love her.
Good advice! Polyamory is only likely to be successful where all parties are deeply loved and KNOW that it is so. If they do not unshakably know that it is so, it's not likely to go well.
__________________
bi, partnered, available

River's Blog
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 08-24-2009, 05:20 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,639
Default

What's the girlfriends take on all this anyway? How does she feel about your wife and the fact that you left her for her? What does she feel now that you showed up at her house drunk? Does she love you just as much as you love her, or are you just a passing fling?

Would your wife be willing to entertain the thought at all? You said that sooner or later she might leave you, so does that mean she will try poly? I take it from a mono stand point?

If she is willing to try it she would have to meet and get to know your girlfriend and would have to really communicate her issues. So would your girlfriend too of course. They would have to with each other.

I don't see how all is lost yet. Rocky and yes, showing up at someones house drunk is not the greatest of ideas, but at least you are all being open and you have realized something about yourself that is very real...

you've got some work to do my friend!
you can do it though! Others have and have survived to tell the tale. Not only that there is success in similar situations. Keep your head clear, your voice talking and your brain thinking.

In case you didn't know my motto, "things should go at the pace and dictation of the one most troubled by the situation." If they are not happy, no one will be. Of course some times this means setting them free in order for you to be happy,,,, they have to make some moves forward of course.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 09:30 AM.