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  #1  
Old 09-10-2012, 08:43 PM
WaterboyMatt WaterboyMatt is offline
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Default New to all of this and looking for advice

Hi, I'm Matt. I've been friends with a married couple I met from work for years, and I consider them my best friends in the whole world. Recently, I realized that in addition to being their friend, I am also highly attracted to the both of them. I mentioned this to them, thinking I needed to pull away from the friendship for a while to make things less confusing, and they were like, "actually, there's another option here, since we're both attracted to you, too..."

So we're trying this out to see how it goes. Had a great first date last night, dinner and a movie (no sexytimes yet, since that had never been in the friendship before and we don't want to rush things too much). We all had fun, and I got kisses goodnight.

Here's where I get to the part where I need advice. While we were out and about on the date, I was so scared about what other people might think that I fear I wasn't the most attentive or considerate date. But I want this to work for us, and I know logically that worrying about what other people think is dumb, so how do I get over my terror of other people?

Also, since I've never done this before, and been in few enough monogamous dating situations that I'm still fairly inexperienced, is it reasonable to expect that most or all of the stereotypical activities couples tend to do for dates (dinner and a movie, sunset walk in the park, etc.) will work well for three people, also?
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  #2  
Old 09-10-2012, 09:49 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
While we were out and about on the date, I was so scared about what other people might think that I fear I wasn't the most attentive or considerate date.
In reality -- it's your dates thinking you are attentive and considerate that matter more to the success of the relationship than what others thing of it.

What matters to YOU could be the success of the relationship plus other things. So what does that fear speak to? Do you value social reputation a lot? Are you worried about being "poly outed?" Something else?

Quote:
But I want this to work for us, and I know logically that worrying about what other people think is dumb, so how do I get over my terror of other people?
Again -- what's so terrifying of other people? What do you think they could DO to you? That could give clues toward solutions for coping.

Fall down screaming? Pee their pants? Hurl bananas? What? (I joke to keep it light, but seriously -- what?)
Quote:
Also, since I've never done this before, and been in few enough monogamous dating situations that I'm still fairly inexperienced, is it reasonable to expect that most or all of the stereotypical activities couples tend to do for dates (dinner and a movie, sunset walk in the park, etc.) will work well for three people, also?
Yup.

Usually best and most efficient though if you know the things YOU like to do and go to your polypeeps and go "Hey! I like to _____. Would you like to do that together? Is there stuff YOU like that you want to try doing together?"

The goal of relationships is to relate to your own people -- so... relate! You will probably relate as a trio, as various duos, etc.

You sound mostly happy but kinda bouncy, boingy with NRE.

GL!
GalGirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-10-2012 at 09:52 PM.
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  #3  
Old 10-30-2012, 12:19 PM
WaterboyMatt WaterboyMatt is offline
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An update, for those interested: the three of us have been dating regularly since that post. Actually, we've hardly been able to spend time apart. Our strong friendship has rapidly become a strong triad, and I pretty much adore everything about my girlfriend and boyfriend. Yes, I've still got the NRE going, but I feel pretty confident in our relationship. They've asked me to move in with them, and I'm pretty strongly considering it. I spend enough time over at their house as it is that it wouldn't be much of a stretch. Anyway, just wanted to give an update.

Actually, my girlfriend did comment one time a few weeks ago that she finds it interesting that we so smoothly shifted into being a triad, since most of the poly relationships she knows about start off with just a primary relationship with some secondaries on the side that are not usually as mutually attached to both of the primary partners. Is it weird that a triad feels so natural to us, or that we slipped into it so easily?
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  #4  
Old 10-30-2012, 01:12 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Glad to know things are going well!

Quote:
Is it weird that a triad feels so natural to us, or that we slipped into it so easily?
I wouldn't spend too much time worrying about that. Everyone is different. You guys sound content, so roll with it. Tho I suspect it has something to do with being friends for years first. That always makes it easier.

Galagirl
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  #5  
Old 10-30-2012, 01:59 PM
WaterboyMatt WaterboyMatt is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Glad to know things are going well!

I wouldn't spend too much time worrying about that. Everyone is different. You guys sound content, so roll with it. Tho I suspect it has something to do with being friends for years first. That always makes it easier.

Galagirl
Yeah, my only real regret right now is that we didn't arrive at this sooner. I've never been happier with a relationship. My previous relationships were very heavy on unrealistic expectations and what I could provide them; very transactional in nature. But my boyfriend and girlfriend have no such expectations. They apparently love me for who I am, and not what I might be able to do for them, which is almost foreign to me, but is clearly healthier.
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