i need help

[MonoVCPHG]

"Everything will be fine" is the selfish delussion of those getting what they want at the emotional expense of those losing most of what they had. They have no idea of the wounds they are inflicting during this phase of their own oblivious joy when such comments are being made. This might be multiple loving but it is not the type of love that most would settle for. It is NRE summed up in one short statement. It is a selfish and dismissive statement used to trick thierr own mind into believing they have not just asked you to punch a hole through your own heart.

Sorry to be so harsh...but comments like this make me want to pack your bags for you.

[MonoVCPHG]

Now that I have trashed the "Everything will be fine" statement I should at least give some insight into what I would consider to be a more realistic and respectful way to replace it...otherwise I'm leaving a black hole in my thought process.

I've had this talk with my ex-wife at about year eight of our marriage so I am not completely speaking without experience.

"I have become emotionally drawn to (so and so) and am curious about exploring a relationship with them. I don't know what this really means for us but I do know that I love you and want to be in this relationship. I also know that, to be true to myself and fulfilled within our relationship, I need to explore this feeling. I know this is going to hurt you at least for a while and make you doubt our future together but without pursuing this I am becoming more withdrawn and am afraid I will end up subconsciously or consciously damaging what we have in order to give myself the chance to see what I am feeling. I am hurting too. I do not want to lose you. There are no certainties in what will happen if I do or do not follow my heart in this. I can not ask you to guarantee that you will be here on this other side of this. I can not guarantee how this will affect us. But I need your support in this, if in no other way than just to be honest in what you feel and need. If you to decide I am not a person you want to have this type of relationship with then I will respect and honor your decision. If you decide that this can work for you than I will support you in any way I can to try to lessen your hurt and see the possibility of even more closeness than we have now."

Again, I have heard a very similar statement to this 12 years ago. While the pursuit of this relationship was short lived and we actually did reconnect after this and had another great seven years, the night she spent away is one I will never forget.

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by redpepper

(stupid stupid NRE .... it isn't useful to humans who are poly, it needs to eveolve out of us now please... )

I never thought of this before..NRE does affect a lot of the same things in Mono relationships as it does in Poly ones...jobs get ignored and suffer, kids get ignored and may suffer, chores get ignored...but in poly, there is the possibility of another partner getting ignored and suffering...that's the difference with NRE.

[redpepper]

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

...but in poly, there is the possibility of another partner getting ignored and suffering...that's the difference with NRE.

yay, another mono/poly difference, that's just fuckin awesome... !

[sage]

I have to say that I thought the affair comment was a bit harsh as well. You have done a lot that is right but on this forum people tend to shoot from the hip and you don't always get to hear what you want.

I don't think you should necessarily close off your heart to L but in reality you may have to make a choice between your husband and him. Not everyone can cope with polyamory. My ex-husband couldn't. Over a long marriage (over 20 years) I fell in love a few times (there was something missing from marriage). We discussed an open-marriage but in the end he said all I really wanted him for was the financial support and friendship; it would be harder for him to find quality polyamorous significant others and so he wanted out.

I have to run but keep posting. I'm sure I speak for others when I say there is a lot of concern and support for you as well.

[NeonKaos]

I split some posts out into two other threads called "Imperfect's Blog" and "Dory's Blog". If either of you would like a different title for your thread, PM me and I'll change it.


I also soft-deleted the posts about "having an affair" because it was resolved and I felt that it interrupted the flow of discussion about the original post. If any folks would like to have those posts back, say something and a moderator will restore them. There is also still one post on here that references the "affair comment was harsh" and it's up to the author of that post to edit that part of the post out.


To rephrase:

Nothing has been permanently removed, and nothing has been edited. Some things have been moved into their own threads, and other things have been hidden but not permanently deleted. If anyone has an issue with what has been done, please let us know what it is.

[hurt]

First off i want to say thanks to everyone that replyed. Imperfect is back home but things havent been so good. All i can think of is the next time she is ready to go for another visit. I have given her my whole heart for so long the thought of sharing her kills me.I really want her to be happy but I dont know if I will be happy in this situation. My fear is that I can see how much her feelings have grown in such a short time, that I am thinking she will eventually leave me for him. I feel that I am the one with the most to loose here, and I know that I sound selfish. Imperfect told me about everything that went on during her vacation, and I have forgiven her in my heart, but I know the pain I felt while she was gone and the pain that I am still feeling. It really hurts just to know she is talking to him, Thats why I cant see letting her go again. We have been talking about seperating so she can freely see me and him whenever she wants to, but I dont want to be away from her. I am so confused. I dont know what my next move should be. I dont want to make any decisions becouse my emotions change every few min. So for now we are going to stay together for the children becouse I think in the end they will be hurt the most..I will post more of my thoughts when i start to think clearly.

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by hurt

So for now we are going to stay together for the children becouse I think in the end they will be hurt the most..I will post more of my thoughts when i start to think clearly.

They will also be hurt if they sense you are in pain all the time and wonder why? I'm not saying throw in the towel, but I am saying children are a lot more resilient than you might think. Better short term pain and two healthy parents in the long run in my experience. You have to take care of yourself my friend.

[clairegoad]

Originally Posted by hurt

First off i want to say thanks to everyone that replyed. Imperfect is back home but things havent been so good. All i can think of is the next time she is ready to go for another visit. I have given her my whole heart for so long the thought of sharing her kills me.I really want her to be happy but I dont know if I will be happy in this situation. My fear is that I can see how much her feelings have grown in such a short time, that I am thinking she will eventually leave me for him. I feel that I am the one with the most to loose here, and I know that I sound selfish. Imperfect told me about everything that went on during her vacation, and I have forgiven her in my heart, but I know the pain I felt while she was gone and the pain that I am still feeling. It really hurts just to know she is talking to him, Thats why I cant see letting her go again. We have been talking about seperating so she can freely see me and him whenever she wants to, but I dont want to be away from her. I am so confused. I dont know what my next move should be. I dont want to make any decisions becouse my emotions change every few min. So for now we are going to stay together for the children becouse I think in the end they will be hurt the most..I will post more of my thoughts when i start to think clearly.

I can see your pain.. I can understand your pain. But I have to ask, "Why you would stay?" You think she is doing something wrong, and needs to be forgiven. As long as you feel that way, this will continue to hurt.

Read here some more... Get used to the ideas... It takes a while to wrap your mind around it... It helps to look at how others have dealt with this.

You've set up an impossible negotiation. You want to go back to where the relationship was. It never will be the same. You can't unring that bell.

[redpepper]

I am finding it hard to believe she is pushing you so hard! Why? Why rush? Why cause you so much pain? It really does seem to me that you are not being selfish. SHE IS! There is no reason other than she doesn't love you anymore, that she should be going to see this guy. She should NOT be doing that.

I feel like I am banging my head against the wall. How many times have I repeated this on this thread? Three, four? That she should not go, should slow down, should negotiate with you at your pace...Grrrr. I give up.

Sorry hurt, nothing against you, its just very frustrating to give hard earned advice and opinions when it seems they are not ackowledged or considered even. Obviously I am not needed on this thread and she is not interested in what I have to say, so good luck to you. My energy is better spent elsewhere. Please feel free to pm if you want. Until there is some aknowledgement of even being remotely thinking about anyone but herself, and I don't mean in terms of saying how hard it is that she loves two men, I mean in terms of being concerned about doing right by you and your kids, then I'm done. He sounds like a cowboy at this point that is convincing her to leave you for another monogamous relationship and she is allowing it. Frustrating, and selfish, end of story.