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Old 10-28-2012, 12:36 AM
Monogamish Monogamish is offline
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Question How do you grieve for a relationship?

Well, everything kind of went down in flames for me and mine, and I thought reaching out might be advisable.

Brief synopsis of the crashing and burning, with the players involved:

Me: mid-twenties, collared slave in an M/s relationship.
The Boss: also mid-twenties, my Master and primary live-in partner of several years
Nasa: early twenties, was a mutual friend of ours, was dating him for approximately 8-9 months

So Nasa was my "secondary" partner, although he was really only secondary in the sense that I didn't live with him and see him every day. I loved him every bit as much as the Boss, but in obviously a different way, as he was a different person. Things were really wonderful, and not just because of NRE. As intelligent, fairly logical people, we tried to mitigate the chaos of NRE as much as possible and still be good to everyone. We communicated, the three of us as a unit communicated, and things, again, were really wonderful.

Then, one day, Nasa and I had communication issues, and I pointed this out, as it was strange and new. He got very quiet, and couldn't even answer whether or not he loved me (he had prior said that he wanted to spend his life with me, and that I made him very happy for the first time in a long time) or wanted to be with me anymore. This was the beginning of the end. It came out that every time the Boss and I had problems, Nasa felt like his relationship with me was suffering. He had secretly started to resent the Boss and felt that he could no longer date me because I was with the Boss (as far as I can gather).

So. I did what any good poly person would do. I asked a bunch of questions, had sit-down meetings with him, with the Boss, with both of them, and tried to resolve this any way I could. Nasa ended up throwing in the towel, but that wasn't the end of it.

I told him that I didn't give up on people that easily, and that I really wanted him in my life. I told him I was, obviously, upset and feeling hurt and lied to. His response to my expressing all these things was coldness and distance, mostly.

He communicated to me that if I wanted to be with him, I had to break up with the Boss and come crawling to him on hands and knees, essentially, and submit to him as his slave instantly (we were in an egalitarian relationship and this came out of nowhere), and then he would decide whether or not he wanted to start again with me, with him in total control. I told him his terms were ridiculous, and not something I could do, and also triggery as hell for me (it hearkened back to abuse I've had in the past, where part of me felt that I HAD to do what he was telling me to, because of the way he said it, and the feelings of inadequacy I struggle with--it's kind of a long story. Anyway.).

Nasa told me he never asked me to leave with him because it wouldn't be fair to me or the Boss (who he apparently now hates) to do so. While this is true, if it was truly something he wanted, I'm of the opinion that he should have expressed it. Put all cards on the table and let us figure it out from there.

To make a long story short, I loved him, I thought he felt the same, he broke up with me and demanded things of me, and now he says he is leaving the state. To make matters worse, every time I talked to him, I ended up crying and hurt, missing our relationship and wishing I was still with him (but not him, I might add, as the manipulative person he's being at the moment!).

The Boss took over control of my contact with Nasa at my request as I was all muddled up inside, and now I am no longer allowed to contact him, as Nasa continues to say, well, really cruel things.

So I'm obviously heartbroken, and hurting, and not understanding how things all fell apart or why Nasa changed, but also not wanting to be a dick to the Boss, who didn't do anything wrong and is still loving and supportive.

I guess my main question here is, how does one deal with the heartbreak of a relationship ending without being unfair to the partner you're still with? Any other thoughts, questions or advice would also be appreciated.

Last edited by Monogamish; 10-28-2012 at 12:51 AM.
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Old 10-28-2012, 04:50 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Grieve. Be sad, but try to limit yourself from venting about it constantly to your current partner. Remind yourself to express your love, affection and appreciation daily.
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Old 10-28-2012, 07:18 PM
Monogamish Monogamish is offline
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I'm most certainly trying.

I guess the shock of Nasa doing an about-face and deciding that putting up with the Boss was no longer worth being with me...despite everything he had said and done...really got to me.

I know I shouldn't be shocked to be rejected/ect, but dishonesty from my partners is a serious betrayal to me. If you don't ask for what you want, no matter how impossible, you're sure never to get it. And if you don't speak up when problems start (and how stupid, to break up over a communication issue that could have been easily resolved if he'd just TALKED about it), they snowball.

I'm sure someday the love I have/had for Nasa will stop being associated with pain. I just don't know when.
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Old 10-28-2012, 07:42 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
I guess my main question here is, how does one deal with the heartbreak of a relationship ending without being unfair to the partner you're still with? Any other thoughts, questions or advice would also be appreciated.
Hrm.

I just let myself feel whatever. Report my internal weather honestly, but not TAKE OUT my feelings on the person who is still here with me.

Articulate what I may need when -- an ear, a hug, space/time alone, etc.

Galagirl
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