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  #1  
Old 08-16-2012, 09:44 PM
cola87 cola87 is offline
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Unhappy Should I even bother trying anymore?

I really think I am polyamorous and want to open my existing relationship up. I have talked to my boyfriend about it years ago and he said he would possibly be interested, but at that point I had no person of interest so we just remained in a mono relationship. Well this past year, I have fallen for someone and when I brought it up to him he is now very reluctant. He feels that if I want to date someone he would want to be dating someone else at the same time, but does not feel like finding anyone else right now and feels like another relationship for himself would be too much work. When I brought it up to him in the beginning of the year I had sent him two sites about polyamory (including this one) and asked if he would look at them. As the months go by he has yet to go to them. Over a month ago I bought and read Opening Up by Tristan Taormino and found it very informative. Once I was done with it, I gave it to him and said I would really appreciate it if he would atleast read it. Well it has been sitting there left untouched. I never nag him and I try not to bring it up to him that often. Is this a lost cause? Will I ever be able to have a open relationship with him? I love him and would never want to loose him, but I feel like I'm being repressed with these feeling of wanting to love more. Any advice would greatly be appreciated.
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  #2  
Old 08-16-2012, 10:23 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Where is your bottom line minimum?

Do you have to be dating other people to be happy? That is one thing.

Do you have to be given support/nurture in your polyside expression? Like you share your books, movies, thoughts, feelings and can be ok in a closed duo IF that expression to HIM is allowed? (ie: you get love and understanding as a poly person from HIM, but don't need another lover) That is another thing.

But seriously? Right now? Poly stuff set aside for a moment?

Even in a monoamorous situation? Your partner is showing no interested in your inner life or giving you emotional intimacy. You are burning out on that.

Your interesting book could be about baking. And you send him websites about cool cake decoration. And are asking him to come to your bake sale sometimes. And he does... nothing.

Not much back and forth relating going on there.

What's he want out of this? What's he willing to put in? Talk to him.

GG
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  #3  
Old 08-27-2012, 06:45 PM
cola87 cola87 is offline
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Sorry it took so long to reply, I've been busy.

Honestly, I don't know. I love him so much and would never want to lose him. I don't think I HAVE to be dating other people to be happy. But I really think I would be happy dating the person I have in mind as well as my boyfriend. We are really close friends with the guy I really like. He fills the void when my boyfriend can't be there. We are emotionally really close and I would love to become intimately close with him as well.

I think my boyfriend feels that he would get jealous with me dating someone else. I told him I understand but I would be able to help him out with it. I am very open when it comes to my emotions and thoughts with him, but sometimes he has trouble opening up. I told him as long as he tells me we can work it out.

I really disheartens me that he hasn't even tried. I told him how I feel about it and I wish that he would at least be willing to learn about some it. Honestly if I could be satisfied with being in a mono relationship, I would. I have opened my eyes and realized that there is so much more to love and there is no way I can close them and deny it now.

I just don't know what to do. I would like him to be accepting and allowing to open our relationship, but I don't want to force him into anything he doesn't want to do. I'm really stuck between a rock and a hard place.
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  #4  
Old 08-27-2012, 07:39 PM
monogamishSF monogamishSF is offline
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I'm very new to poly, and as GG knows, very new to this forum. But one thing I can say, from the position of a person who struggles more than her poly partner, is to be extra careful during this time.

If you can stand it, keep working with him. I won't speak for timing, or whether that work will pay off for your end goal. Others here will give you excellent input on that.

Just know that any slip ups, in his stage in the process, could be detrimental to your cause. Like, if you see the person of interest and fib about it, or try to develop a further relationship without telling your partner because you don't think you can help it... that would take you many, many steps back.

Are you in danger of acting on your feelings? Or can you have patience with your man to understand your needs? how long have you been together? How long are you willing to work with him? Is this something you can wait 6 months for, while he learns (assuming he agrees to learn)? Or even a year for? Or is it more urgent than that?

Could it be that part of his reluctance is because this is a close friend? I've had experiences where dating too close to the social circle can really cause more problems. But I've also found comfort and success in dating someone my partner knows and likes. It can go either way.

Is the third party open to poly/being a secondary or other significant other (OSO)? I wonder if they could start the conversation between themselves more comfortably? Or with you? If it all works out in the future, they should have some communication, why not start now?

Again, am no expert, just my two cents. Hang in there!
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  #5  
Old 08-27-2012, 08:00 PM
cola87 cola87 is offline
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My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years, and we have owned a house together for the past 2. I would never cheat on him and wouldn't do anything he didn't feel comfortable with. My best friend is the person of interest and he is VERY respectful of my relationship with my boyfriend and would never do anything to compromise it. He is open to being my secondary, just only if my boyfriend allows it. I am always open with my boyfriend, he knows whenever I am hanging out with my friend and I would never lie about it because I see no reason to.

Also, I guess it wouldn't hurt to add. A few months ago, while all three of us were hanging out, we ended up having a threesome (my boyfriend is straight so he didn't do anything with my friend). It was great, but in the end it left me very confused. My boyfriend said he did it for me because he knew I really liked my friend. We have never done it again, even though I obviously would like to. When we all hang out my boyfriend sometimes makes jokes implying us doing stuff together, so it is just sending me mixed messages. It feels like he would only allow it on his terms and he wouldn't want us to have an actual relationship.

I have been very patient with my boyfriend, and I'm willing to wait for as long as it takes. I just am starting to lose hope.
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  #6  
Old 08-27-2012, 08:46 PM
monogamishSF monogamishSF is offline
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It sounds like he wants to be ready, but he's afraid. And that fear is keeping him from educating himself, and without education, you can't progress. It's good that he recognized a need (that resulted in a threesome), and knows you had a good time, and the jokes are his way of getting comfy with whatever the next step might be. Maybe?

It sounds like you guys will have a ton of work to do before your friend can be more than a friend. But it also sounds like you have a strong foundation and good poly intentions.
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  #7  
Old 08-28-2012, 04:53 AM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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Just a word from me about patience. FBF became my boyfriend nine years ago (all very traditional, met through a social group, we were mono). He hired CBF to work for him, and they became fast friends, and the three of us became great friends. When I broke up with FBF, I started seeing CBF (after my prescribed interval). Eventually, the three of of us became great friends again. For almost nine years the three of us have been friends, until we started a vee last December. None of us were actually seeking this, consciously. But I suspect the love that loves to love finds its way. I clearly loved them both, and I think they both knew it. Nine years is a long time for patience (to me). Completely worth the wait.

So, yah, helping him know there is nothing to fear is a good start. Investing in their relationship is good too.
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Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
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Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
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  #8  
Old 08-28-2012, 01:04 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
I just don't know what to do. I would like him to be accepting and allowing to open our relationship, but I don't want to force him into anything he doesn't want to do. I'm really stuck between a rock and a hard place.
It may feel complicated, but really it is not. What is YOUR time limit? Can you wait a year? 5 years? Life? You have to have a serious talk with BF. Don't mind reader or guess -- just have a serious talk and take his temperature on his wants, needs, and limits. Digest the new information and see how it lines up with YOUR wants, needs, and limits and where the common ground lies.

If he is NEVER ready, can you live ok with that and be happy in your relationship with him and build life with him? Just as it is, today? If so, then stop with messy boundaries with the friend -- keep him in the friend bucket, do not encourage talk about him becoming a secondary, stop sharing sex with him. You end up confusing yourself. And stop with the messy boundaries with the BF -- no jokes about getting together with the friend to sex it up or yank your chain. It is weird to me that he would do something "only for you" -- what? He had ZERO desire? Why is he compromising himself?

If you want to explore your relationship with the friend, and BF is not open to a polyship and says he NEVER will be then you have to break up with BF. It is not fair to string either of you along if he's not happy one way, and you are not happy another way just to CPR an ending rship along a bit longer. Set each other free, mourn, and then start over so you can each find your happiness. Try to be decent exes to each other.

If it is something in between those two extremes -- then ask BF if he is willing to Open just in Mind and explore some resources like this forum and books with you to try it on for size in the safety of your own heads. Nobody doing anything untoward, nobody dating other people. Just learning things and trying it on for size in your heads in a calm, relaxed, no hurry fashion. How did you feel about that article? What would you do in this situation like that post today on the forum?

Then assess where you are at in a year of study. It can take years for a couple to prepare well -- and however long you take that feels right to YOU two is right for YOU two.

GG
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  #9  
Old 11-01-2012, 04:30 PM
cola87 cola87 is offline
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Unhappy update

Ok, I know it has been a while since I posted. I figured I would post an update of the situation because it has definitely changed.

Unfortunately the messy boundaries still happened. About a month ago, my bf allowed me to hook up with my best friend on our own. I truly enjoyed it. But it still left me confused afterwards. We're we just being friends with benefits, or something more?

Well this past week, things have started to unveil. My boyfriend came to me saying that he actually started reading that book I lent to him. Which made me really happy because its a sign he is interested in trying it out or at least learning more about it.

Now the thing is, I told my friend about it and he was happy to hear that my boyfriend is taking the initiative. BUT, now my friend is saying that he isn't interested in any kind of relationship at all. I guess he doesn't share the same feelings that I have for him.

What am I supposed to do? I love my friend, and it hurts to know that he doesn't feel the same way about me. I am so confused. How am I supposed to cope with it? Is there a way that I can just see him as a friend and nothing more now?
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  #10  
Old 11-01-2012, 04:48 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
I truly enjoyed it. But it still left me confused afterwards. We're we just being friends with benefits, or something more?
Why was this not talked about before sharing sex?

Quote:
What am I supposed to do? I love my friend, and it hurts to know that he doesn't feel the same way about me. I am so confused. How am I supposed to cope with it? Is there a way that I can just see him as a friend and nothing more now?
Sigh.

However it works out with this friend, if you go on to date other people, really date them for a bit first to answer those questions. Don't rush on to sharing sex if it causes you this kind of confusion.
  • "Does he feel about me in the same way romantically?"
  • "How are we going to be when this breaks up? Still friends and good ex-lovers? Or weird?" Not if it breaks up. WHEN. All relationships come with a clock attached. Even "til death do us part" is an ending.

I am sorry you are hurting.

Galagirl
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