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  #1  
Old 01-11-2015, 04:19 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Default Expectations, dammit

I suppose I would like advice too but I am also ranty. And so annoyed at myself.

So I have this friend. We've played a few times (in the BDSM sense) and had sex once, a few years ago. That was when Whip and I were together - we basically swapped with this friend and his wife - who is also a friend of mine.

Whip realized afterwards that he wasn't really interested in the wife, found her kind of intimidating actually. I thought this was odd (Intimidated? Really?). But I fully support the right to not be into someone, even for reasons odd to my mind. But instead of telling her he wasn't interested, Whip just avoided it entirely. I have learned this is a pattern - Whip will always avoid anything emotional charged or difficult - but at the time I didn't realize that. I encouraged him to talk to her, email, anything. I game planned with him on what to say, how to say it. I did what I could do to get him to talk with her. But nothing happened. There wasn't anything I could do to get him to be upfront with her.

She's a very sensitive person and was hurt by this, understandably so. It's not fun to be rejected and ignored. She was unable to separate me from Whip. Essentially her husband could not have sex with me because she was upset.

My friend, who I will call Scarf, and I continued to chat, hang out as friends with her and our other mutual friends. I enjoy Scarf, think he is hilarious and overall like him. But I've never wanted anything more than a FWB/play partner kind of thing with him. I don't want to date or have a romantic relationship. Scarf and his wife, Bendy, have become part of my core friends.

I assumed for years that Scarf was still interested in play partners/FWB with me too. We had sexy text conversations, discussed possible scenes, what we would like/not like, limits and such. We've planned scenes that never happened. This has gone on for a few years. He's also become a good friend, one I tell troubles to and such.

He's mentioned before that the situation with Whip's poor handling of no longer being interested in Bendy and Bendy's reaction to it was the source of our not being FWBs. So I did nothing. I assumed he would handle his business and approach Bendy to talk things over when he felt up to it. And I assumed that other women were also problematic for him because of Bendy's sensitivity.

I went to dinner with Scarf and Bendy. First, after I had expressed my distaste for a certain genre of film, Bendy jokingly said that I would not have survived dating Scarf as lots of weird film watching is required. I'm sure this is true and my tolerance for fucked up films is low. But I don't want to date Scarf, never did. And then she mentioned that Scarf had gone to see another woman, presumably on a date. I expected and assumed Scarf would see other people. He's been on dates with others. But I realized that my expectation that he would talk to Bendy eventually was just misguided. He's just not that interested and would never take action to talk to her. If he was interested, something would have happened by now. I am so hurt. And I feel so fucking stupid. And I am angry. Instead of stringing me along with years of sexy conversation, I wish he had just told me he would never talk to Bendy about seeing me beyond strictly friends. I'm fine with being friends - that's all we've been for years now. I feel tricked and that I wasted my time. And that I did this all to myself. Plus I really, really don't want anything to do with dating anyone in a couple. I know some couples handle their business and treat people well but I haven't met very many.

Just sad and angry and feel stupid.
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  #2  
Old 01-11-2015, 07:12 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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I think we all have times when we expect and assume that which will never happen -- and waste years on those expectations and assumptions. In my case, I expected and assumed that the LDS church would eventually be okay with who I am and how I wanted to contribute ... and I wasted 30 years on that. I should probably be really mad at myself, but the size of my error is so mind-blowing that I don't even know how to feel about it.

In the future, you'll know to get confirmation about even the most obvious things, and you'll avoid dating people in a couple. That's all you can really do about your own error, so don't beat yourself up, we all make these kinds of mistakes and we just carry on as best we can.

Sorry that happened.
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Old 01-11-2015, 11:05 PM
Leander Leander is offline
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Ouch. How bitterly disappointing. I can understand why you feel annoyed at yourself, but really, how were you to know all this in advance? You have to have some expectations of people.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
In my case, I expected and assumed that the LDS church would eventually be okay with who I am and how I wanted to contribute ... and I wasted 30 years on that. I should probably be really mad at myself, but the size of my error is so mind-blowing that I don't even know how to feel about it.
If its any consolation, which it probably isn't, when it comes to religious movements its very common for this kind of thing to happen.
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Old 01-11-2015, 11:20 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Re:
Quote:
"If it's any consolation, which it probably isn't, when it comes to religious movements it's very common for this kind of thing to happen."
I'm certain of that.
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Old 01-14-2015, 02:25 AM
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VioletLight VioletLight is offline
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I'm sorry this happened. I would be upset also! I would be upset because he knew you liked him and the way he carried on with the sexy text and play plans. I think scarf should have said something to you as he knew that you wanted to be a fwb with him. I think people aren't always aware of their impact on others, what may have seemed like playing with a friend to him was the start of a deep connection for you.
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