Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 06-30-2010, 04:55 PM
wiwomanhere wiwomanhere is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Wisconsinville
Posts: 1
Default This was MY idea...what have I done????

I guess there is a need for some background here...

I am a very social, outgoing. Affection is my middle name. Need a hand? I'm your girl. Wrong me? Not good. Apologize sincerely? It's all good.

Hubby...Introvert, emotionally unavailable, loyal, funnier than hell, secretive, patient, forgiving, clueless.

We are very much the typical Cleaver family. We live in the suburbs, higher than average salary, nicer than average house. More kids than the average 2.2, lol I have a medical background but have since stopped practicing, due to my having 4 kids in 21 months. Triplets and then a bonus child. I have been working in direct (party) sales and have been successful at it.

Immediately after getting married (which was 9 months after we started dating) he became comfortable, withdrawn, very much the hermit state in which he seems the most comfortable. I was very lonely, very (situationally) sad and very isolated, This is not who I am, or the conditions in which I am comfortable living. I am, as I said social, I enjoy entertaining and being entertained. We got in a fight every time I talked about having company over or accepting an invitation Very hard, very smothering.

We quickly came to the understanding that our boundaries would be respected. I pretty much came and went as I pleased and he was left to his computer...
I love and loved my husband dearly and looking elsewhere was NEVER my intention or goal.
we got along well and still do. I feel that my husband is my best friend. We very much enjoy each others company.

I, to this day will just text my husband to tell him I love him. Call him his bad sexy self. Leaving a note under his pillow before a trip is not uncommon. For him to offer an unsolicited "I love you" hand holding, or even much of a response when I initiate, is unheard of. Ok maybe the response a little but no unsolicited affections. It is very...lonely.

I have always been interested in women. There is a physical attraction and long story short my best friend asked me about us getting together. I have always been so honest and loyal with my husband and I brought it up to him. He said he was oK with it. She lives a long ways away but I saw her shortly after that. A physical relationship did ensue. He decided he could not handle it and wanted in. We had a threesome. They continued a relationship behind my back, and was made to think I was crazy for suspecting anything. His intention was to get off, her intention was to have me to herself. Ended really, really bad. I lost a lover as well as a best friend. And I didn't trust my husband further than I could throw him. She gave me all of their email exchanges, and he spied on me on my computer...a part of me died, but I made it through. I was committed, no matter what. Frankly, he didn't change, he was the same even keeled emotionless person I had known for 8 years.
fast forward...I am still very lonely but adjusted at this point. I started to play online euchre and started to talk to someone. He lived a long way away but we spent a considerable amount of talking on the computer. It was emotional CPR. I remembered what it was to be alive. I pursued more online relationships, hubby learned about it from spying on me (again...a form of rape if you ask me). He talked to me and basically said it was OK. It was good to see me happy again. he would deal with it. Gradually this moved to physical encounters.He started a relationship with a single woman. My intention was to only see married men (please don't flame me, it is just safer that way...in theory). I just wanted the TLC and such that I was missing. He has become very involved wiht this woman, sleepovers twice a month, saw her on Father's day and his birthday. I feel like, from my perspective it is too much. That is from my current way of thinking. Now I am wondering if I just need a paradigm shift. Do I jsut need to let him fall in love wiht another woman and trust that he wont leave? do I need to do the same?
I feel like I am dealing with all of this anger, hurt, resentment. the irony of the situation I am in now is too much to handle sometimes I am here because of what he cant/wont give me but he is giving it to her and in some ways I am lonelier than ever. Neither of us wants to leave...he is my best friend, and I am his...for now...There is SO much more to this story but I will stop here...HELP!
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 06-30-2010, 05:35 PM
vandalin's Avatar
vandalin vandalin is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 520
Default

welcome.

It sounds like you and your hubby are not really ready for an open relationship. You have so much to work on and heal in your own relationship before getting others involved. Neither of you trust the other and it looks like the communications has broken down between to two of you. Those are, in my book, the two most important ingredients to having an open/poly relationship.

Is your fear of him leaving you unfounded? I hate to say it, but no. From what you've said here, your relationship sounds like it has just been sitting and waiting to fall apart. But I put up my disclaimer of not knowing all of the details.

You two need to sit and hash EVERYTHING out, perhaps even find a poly friendly counselor to help you through some of these issues.

I wish you luck.
__________________
Life is about the journey and not the destination,
so what better way to know life
than to wander all the roads and paths set before you.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 06-30-2010, 05:44 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Kansas City Metro
Posts: 2,186
Default

The whole point of polyamory is to fall in love with more than one person. If you are to ever do poly, that's exactly what it will be!

Working polyamory, however, relies on honest, open communication--and that appears to be missing from your relationship. For example, you appear to have negotiated an open relationship--and not have actually worked out what that means between the two of you. You took it to mean you could find physical affection and company only and he appears to take it to mean something different.

Have the two of you ever sat down and hashed out exactly what it is you need from a relationship? Then figured out what you can provide for each other and what needs to be sought elsewhere? That's where it all begins, with talking about what you need and how to go about getting it and working in cooperation with your partner to achieve it.

There are also issues that need to be addressed that concern only the two of you and have nothing to do with other people. Why does he spy on you? Why would you marry a man who is so emotionally unavailable if you require lots of emotional interaction? You've hinted at some very fundamental problems and those need to be worked out before trying to add new people to the equation. Adding more people will not fix a relationship that doesn't work well.
__________________
When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 06-30-2010, 05:47 PM
SourGirl's Avatar
SourGirl SourGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: South of an Igloo, North of a Desert.
Posts: 885
Default

Wow,..do I ever understand where you are at, and what you feel, and even why you do the things you do,.... It sounds similiar to my first marriage.

I really wish I knew what to tell you, what path to set you on, what helpful advice to give.

I can`t, because it goes different ways for different people. Sometimes these situations, end up being the wake up call for a relationship (hitting rock bottom),..and other times it means the end of a relationship,....

It all depends on the reasons you came together.



I hope some people here can give you good advice. Be well.


( triplets ? wow ! thats very cool !)
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 06-30-2010, 06:31 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,634
Default

Wow, I'm glad some people get this and can empathize. I do not at all. To me you have wasted your time entirely and wasted your life. Not to mention the messages you are sending your children, and don't think they don't notice the bullshit that has been going on in your house. You and your husband have taught them that they are not worth loving in their entirety in my opinion. For the whole beings that they are. They have been taught that its okay to just kinda love others and expect the same.

Why you didn't leave years ago I don't know. I hear you say he is your best friend. He could of been out side of a loving relationship.

You've created a mess my friend and so has he. I don't know if you can fix it. There is so much for you to learn it seems and I can only suggest that you stop playing the victim and get moving on quality of life. Learn how to communicate properly, get yourself a place, a job, a life of your own. And be on your own and get your life back together. Skip relationships and poly. You are no where near ready in my opinion. You don't have a relationship with your primary! Yourself! And your kids need you. You have a lot to do. I know I sound harsh, but get on it... You will be glad you did.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 06-30-2010, 07:32 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 2,868
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by wiwomanhere View Post
I, to this day will just text my husband to tell him I love him. Call him his bad sexy self. Leaving a note under his pillow before a trip is not uncommon. For him to offer an unsolicited "I love you" hand holding, or even much of a response when I initiate, is unheard of. Ok maybe the response a little but no unsolicited affections. It is very...lonely.
I assume you have told him this and he still makes no effort? Thats unfortunate and unhealthy. Even if he feels no need to receive this kind of attention you obviously so. Thats going to continue to hurt. Especially considering he showers the other woman with the attention you crave.

Quote:
hubby learned about it from spying on me (again...a form of rape if you ask me). He talked to me and basically said it was OK.
Sorry he spied on you and he told you it was ok :S...ummmm no...its not ok. Spying is not ok. In my opinion. Its right up there with ultimatums. If he can't trust you to be honest and you can't trust him with your information, that is a fundamental breakdown in how a relationship works.

Quote:
It was good to see me happy again. he would deal with it. Gradually this moved to physical encounters.He started a relationship with a single woman. My intention was to only see married men (please don't flame me, it is just safer that way...in theory). I just wanted the TLC and such that I was missing. He has become very involved wiht this woman, sleepovers twice a month, saw her on Father's day and his birthday. I feel like, from my perspective it is too much. That is from my current way of thinking. Now I am wondering if I just need a paradigm shift. Do I jsut need to let him fall in love wiht another woman and trust that he wont leave? do I need to do the same?
Honestly, if you really want to remain together you need to look at your own relationship first. Its unhealthy, untrusting and it doesn't sound like either of you have laid all your cards on the table.

I would ask yourselves some honest questions
* why do either of you want to be poly.
* why or how can he be loving and caring with someone else and not you
* friendship is fine and dandy...but being partnered with something is more than just friendship. Being in love...and loving someone are two different things.

Quote:
Originally Posted by RedPepper
Why you didn't leave years ago I don't know. I hear you say he is your best friend. He could of been out side of a loving relationship.

You've created a mess my friend and so has he. I don't know if you can fix it. There is so much for you to learn it seems and I can only suggest that you stop playing the victim and get moving on quality of life. Learn how to communicate properly, get yourself a place, a job, a life of your own. And be on your own and get your life back together. Skip relationships and poly. You are no where near ready in my opinion. You don't have a relationship with your primary! Yourself! And your kids need you. You have a lot to do. I know I sound harsh, but get on it... You will be glad you did.
I can't say I disagree with this. If...and this is a big if, you want to keep this relationship together you have a huge uphill battle to fight.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 07-01-2010, 07:42 AM
immaterial immaterial is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Arizona
Posts: 133
Default

I feel great compassion for you. It sounds like there is a lot of suffering in this thing.

I will be interested to hear what comes next. In addition to some excellent advice from some of the more experienced members here, I would add that perhaps you and your husband are more interested in non-monogamy and swinging than in polyamory? I know people have established sexually open marriages where one of the ground rules is "no emotional involvement." I have no idea how this works, as I can become emotionally involved with my mail carrier when she walks by, but maybe this is a lifestyle that would work for you.

Then there is that pesky lying/cheating/spying stuff going on. I call this "the complicated dance." I truly believe people are in the midst of the complicated dance because they want to be. They enjoy the drama of it. They like the complexity. They appreciate the way it distracts them from taking a good hard honest look at their own stuff.

It doesn't sound like either you or your husband are really interested in emotional involvement with others. I think you both tend to use others to get what you want. This can be a recipe for real harm unless you find a way to be aboveboard and take responsibility.

And I don't know him and have never met him in real life, but the way you portray your husband, he sounds like a totally manipulative, abusive asshat with shitty boundaries and very little respect for you.

Immaterial
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 07-01-2010, 04:09 PM
bettybaker's Avatar
bettybaker bettybaker is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Livermore, CA
Posts: 12
Default

Hi. It sounds like you're having a tough time of it! I'm guessing that neither one of you is mean or badly intentioned, but it sounds like both of you have needs that aren't getting met and you're having a really hard time figuring out what to do and how to do it.

The thing is, opening up a marriage is something that you do when your marriage is working well; and part of working well is running that relationship on honesty and trust. It sounds like the honesty and trust parts of your marriage are broken right now.

I know that you're needing to feel love and intimacy, and that it's really tempting to seek out those things elsewhere. I know that the short-term temptation can be really hard to resist, but I'm guessing that if you focus on your long-term benefit, you'll end up, honestly, happier.

So, the most selfish thing you can do right now, and also the best thing for you, is to put huge amounts of effort into fixing your marriage or ending your marriage. And, while you do that, you should, emphatically, not be seeing anybody else.

I suggest that you both stop dating other people and that you go to marriage counseling. If that doesn't work and you find that you can't trust your husband or yourself to treat each other respectfully and honestly, end things--despite the risk you face of losing the nice house and your comfortable life style. Finding a space where you feel at ease with your ethics and your forward-moving progress is much better than stagnating in semi-comfort with fundamental relationship problems.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 04:52 AM.