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  #41  
Old 06-16-2011, 09:08 PM
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Well, we've still not met face to face. (Which must wait, which is quite okay.) But her being touches my heart so tenderly and with such mutual tenderness-joy that there's no need at all to wait for the f2f. We've already touched soul-to-soul, heart-to-heart... in so many ways. So I'm declaring it official as of today. I know she loves me as I love her. My polyamory is no longer "in theory" but in practice. It's just a matter of kissing and cuddling now. We're in love.

Now, understand, I realize this sounds crazy. But you have not read our correspondence! If you did, you'd understand completely. If you understood it.

Breaking into song now ... "We are family...!" (poly family, us all.)
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  #42  
Old 06-17-2011, 01:38 PM
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Things have shifted around since I said I don't want to talk about her (M) and I in the forum. Now it feels okay to share here, but with much respect to the particulars -- to she and I and all others connected with us.

Here is the shape of things (and also why it feels okay to 'talk' about it here).:

I'm flat out and utterly, completely in love with M, but I am not attached to the kind of relationship we might have in the future. Or, rather, I practice constant vigilant mindfulness and transcendent love of the kind that burns attachment and overflows. So if we end up being loving, intimate friends who are not also lovers, I'm prepared to be happy about that--though I'm very much looking forward to some kisses about which we've talked, along with the snuggling in a hammock about which we talked.

Did I tell you she sends me poems, and songs! Almost every day! And we have about the same taste in poems and songs. And she IS a poem! I love her so!

In conventional lingo, I've "fallen in love," but the truth is far better than that! I've been kicked around too much. I'm an old dog in love. I've been around the block. I'm becoming graceful at letting go, not clinging, not expecting, certainly not demanding. So any love that comes my way now is held in an open hand, palm open, facing up. What I want to be and do here, with my Darling, is celebrate her the way she celebrates me, and that's about it. I don't know what the future will be and I don't want to worry about it. I want to appreciate her, intensely, as she appreciates me.

Meanwhile, I have thought about walking hand-in-hand with her, out and about. I don't do that much with Kevin. We do that a little. We're not freaked out about the gaze of straight folks. But the reality is, should I have a girlfriend (and that's how it feels), I can hold her hand in public, can kiss her in public, walk arm-in-arm, and we'll just be ordinary folk. It won't attract disgusted or dismissive attention. (One very rarely sees two men holding hands in public in Santa Fe.)

On the other hand, a lot of folks here know Kevin & I are partners and lovers, and some
will do a double take if they see me with a girlfriend, holding hands, kissing.... That's going to be the fun part, if indeed we're headed down this path. I've even fantasized about introducing my girlfriend and my boyfriend to folks out in public, matter of factly. I'd have to stifle grins!
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  #43  
Old 06-17-2011, 07:42 PM
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arrival!

this is the vivid inside of the poem
this is the end of all searching
this is the indwelling of the found world
gone is the shroud of seeking
what was known at a distance
is now
the vivid inside of the world

images fall away

this is no fiction
this is the essence of life
this is the falling away of masks
this is the dropping away of armor
this is the unfolding mystery

this is home!

this i've always known
this is the final truth
this is the nature of things
this is home!

all of the givers know it
all who shiver glow it
any of us may instantly bestow it
this is home!
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  #44  
Old 06-17-2011, 10:35 PM
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Default Oh, my

Yes, you have written about her, haven't you?

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I practice constant vigilant mindfulness and transcendent love of the kind that burns attachment and overflows.
Thank you for overflowing into the life of my family. I know how it is to be so filled with joy that it is imperative to give it away free to anyone who crosses your path.

I have been thinking to myself all day, "Love does not seek for itself".

You are always inspiring to us and I wish you the best there is.
-R
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  #45  
Old 06-18-2011, 10:45 PM
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One of the myriad curious facts about the life of one who writes is that he or she will gradually discover curious things, like the meaning of the phrase "intimate acquaintance". One realizes that a rich vocabulary is necessary to speak the truth. Not all intimate aquaintainces are quite friends. They may become friends, or not. A friend is a regular feature in a person's life. They are kept near.

That said, I bumped into an intimate acquaintance today, a man with whom, when they ask, I must speak some truth -- because we are more than mere acquaintances.

So he asks... "Any news?" And so I proceed to tell him that I have a female love-interest. I've told a couple of my intimate acquaintances about this, just because I'm a sort of social psychologist, a sort of anthropologist, a sort of magician, a sort of trickster, a kind of raven who likes to squawk and see how folks react to the much unexpected and strange.

"And you're still with Kevin?" he asks.

"Well, yes, of course!"

"And Kevin's okay with this?" (He looks worried, puzzled, perplexed, as if I had come into his shop with my hair smoldering, wearing a short skirt.) ... [I can't help wondering if he's judging me a lunatic or an ass hole.]

"This kind of thing doesn't often work out very well," he said.

"I realize this, but I think we're up for it. [pause] One has to stare jealousy down" (paraphrasing).

And that's when I said that there was somethign "spiritual" going on. This guy is a universal mystic! I know he can handle it!

[Paraphrasing myself]:

"We are going right to the advanced studies. The universe handed us this and I'm--we are--going to give it our best shot. It feels raw and truthful, the real deal, a kind of calling. It's going to be challenging but I think we're going to create some beauty."
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  #46  
Old 06-18-2011, 11:22 PM
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Walking through Santa Fe's plaza today during an arts and crafts fair, I just had to stop to listen to the didgeridoo player. He had something. And I listened a bit ... and then I was entirely inside his music! He had some sort of leggings on that rattled when he shook his legs in rhythm. And in his hand were two carved hardwood sticks. (I don't know the names of these instruments.) And very soon I realized that he's got to be about the best didgeridoo player I've ever encountered, times ten. Times a hundred. Not a mere player, but a master.

I said, in my enthusiasm, "You are master!, wow!".

He answered, "I try." And then he reconsidered his words. And then he said, "No, I guess I don't try; I just let go."

Ponder that a minute!

He was Rob Thomas of Inlakesh - www.inlakesh.com

Another mystic! We're everywhere!
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  #47  
Old 06-19-2011, 03:11 PM
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Another mystic! We're everywhere!
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  #48  
Old 06-19-2011, 03:31 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by River View Post
...I have thought about walking hand-in-hand with her, out and about. I don't do that much with Kevin. We do that a little. We're not freaked out about the gaze of straight folks. But the reality is, should I have a girlfriend (and that's how it feels), I can hold her hand in public, can kiss her in public, walk arm-in-arm, and we'll just be ordinary folk. It won't attract disgusted or dismissive attention. (One very rarely sees two men holding hands in public in Santa Fe.)
I know the feeling. Yesterday I was feeling particularly cuddly, and my gf and I were at the grocery store. I just wanted to put my arm around her each time we stopped our cart to look for an item, but really felt I couldnt. People would've looked and stared. Het couples can do it and no one thinks a thing of it. I did touch her a couple times briefly, but with awareness of who was nearby. Add in she is trans and is already paranoid enough about being "read" and whispered about when she's on the street.

Here's to better days for queers!
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  #49  
Old 06-19-2011, 06:18 PM
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Here's to better days for queers!
>Ching-ching<

I often put my arm around Kevin's shoulders in public. He is slightly more reluctant about it than I am, generally, it seems. I'm getting less and less concerned about other people's perceptions of me. At some point, probably not far off, I'll just be who I am wherever I am, and just let it all hang out.

Oh, the other day we went out for breakfast and as we were walking from the parking lot to the cafe I put my arm around Kevin and he put his arm around me and we walked and talked like this. A woman saw us together this way and smiled bigly and brightly, happy to see it.

What a strange world we have where people are afraid to be human and to love openly! Very strange indeed.
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Old 06-20-2011, 08:14 AM
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I often put my arm around Kevin's shoulders in public. He is slightly more reluctant about it than I am, generally, it seems. I'm getting less and less concerned about other people's perceptions of me.
I learned long ago not to care too much about what other people, especially strangers on the street, think of me. However, my gf isn't comfortable with being stared at and whispered about. She's transgender and handicapped and has been crushed by near constant bullying, open stares, whispers and downright shouted out statements on the street all her life. I am very sensitive to her feelings.

Gays have it easy compared to transpeople.

Quote:
Oh, the other day we went out for breakfast and as we were walking from the parking lot to the cafe I put my arm around Kevin and he put his arm around me and we walked and talked like this. A woman saw us together this way and smiled bigly and brightly, happy to see it.
Nice. One day gf and I were in an uncrowded diner. She left the table to go to the ladies' room. One of the workers, a guy, came up to me and asked, "Is that your daughter?" Just for fun, to see where he was going, I said yes. He said, "Tell her she's wonderful!" I don't know what he meant by that, but we took it as some kind of compliment.
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miss pixi, 37
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