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  #21  
Old 04-14-2011, 05:36 PM
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I'm more than a little tempted to be at the bar again this evening, just to see if he's there.

Am I nutz? Shouldn't I forget about this unavailable man?
I assume you two did not exchange contact info?

I would perhaps not go back to the bar so soon. Wait a few days, and if he's there the next time, there may be enough distance to see if that attraction/tension is still there and to see if a conversation about whatever might develop is warranted. Or a conversation to get clarification on things.

Sometimes it is worth investigating what people mean or how they define those things. I wonder if his saying that his "heart is 100%" with his partner doesn't mean that he cannot love another person, but that he wanted you to know of his loyalty. Even though he seems like a direct person, he may have his own interpretations of certain terms or concepts. Perhaps his "sitting on the fence" with his relationship is a bit of a rut. It sounds a little bit like he doesn't quite understand polyamory (calling it dangerous).

I would say go slowly, be open and honest (no doubt that you would) and ask for explanation if something doesn't make sense to you.

And hey, if you don't wind up seeing him again, you shared a nice kiss. Sometimes we just get little boosts like that in life even if they don't lead anywhere. Sometimes they shouldn't lead anywhere and simply stand on their own as a little bit of sweetness that came your way. In that case, I'd say he gave it, not stole it.
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  #22  
Old 04-14-2011, 06:50 PM
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I assume you two did not exchange contact info?
Correct. Our parting ways was unexpectedly abrupt. He had to be somewhere shortly. I was in the men's room, came out, and there he was saying he had to go. So I reached for a hug, which he granted. .... But I wish I'd gotten contact info. I left thinking that if we cared to we could meet up at the bar in the future, by chance. I suspect he's a regular.

Thanks for your words. I appreciate them.
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  #23  
Old 04-14-2011, 06:55 PM
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.... Perhaps his "sitting on the fence" with his relationship is a bit of a rut.
He hasn't been sexual with his partner in quite a few years! So, apparently, his life is divided into love-without-sex / Sex-without-love. That would certainly be a rut for me! I like the two together!
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  #24  
Old 04-14-2011, 07:37 PM
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I'm more than a little tempted to be at the bar again this evening, just to see if he's there.

Am I nutz? Shouldn't I forget about this unavailable man?
Hmm, that depends on what do you hope to gain from meeting him again. Just kiss? Feel a little giddy? Have some of that self-validation that is oh so important when getting back in the dating game? Make him fall in love with you? Convert him to poly?

From what I've read on your posts, I'd say yes, emotional unavailability is not what you want or need right now.
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  #25  
Old 04-14-2011, 08:55 PM
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Hmm, that depends on what do you hope to gain from meeting him again.
Well, he sent some interesting messages. His attration to me isn't just physical. He made it clear that he's not into being with guys sexually who treat sex partners as if we are all interchangable. It's personal, for him. And he likes to talk with me..., etc. He didn't try to get me into bed right away. He wanted a kiss.... He's apparently interested in real intimacy. And yet... and yet.... And yet he was clear that he's taken (to use the common lingo).

When he said the bit about polyamory being "dangerous," my impression was that he recognized that it could unsettle his life. That it was under consideration, not dismissed out of hand.

Of course, we barely know one another at all ... and that's what I'd like to remedy. Maybe we're not cut out to be lovers? Maybe he could be a friend? Who knows?!

And, no, emotional unavailability is not what I want or need. Not even in a friend. Obviously.

It's just weird to me that folks create emotionally monogamous lives to begin with! So much unnecessary fear!
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  #26  
Old 04-15-2011, 01:57 PM
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I've had a few experiences with men in sexless marriages... or nearly sexless. And a guy my gf dated in '09 was also in a sexless marriage. He was gay til he was with my gf (who is MtoF trans). He and she had a few dates, and I met him at a Yule party where he also brought another guy he was dating. Then he stopped talking to my gf for a while... finally he let her know he is divorcing his longtime partner.

The guys I dated who had partners, some of them have since split up, some are still with their wives in sort of a weird borderline way. Sounds like your bar buddy is really exploring having feelings, both sexual and emotional, with men other than his husband. Maybe you 2 could meet again, but take the sex part slowly... he has a lot of issues to work through, sounds like.
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  #27  
Old 04-15-2011, 02:25 PM
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Maybe you 2 could meet again, but take the sex part slowly... he has a lot of issues to work through, sounds like.
Thanks, Magdlyn.

In an email conversation with a friend, I mentioned your advice, then said ...
The others mostly warned me off, as you did. And they/you are right. But there may be something to what this poster said about "exploring". He cannot be happy in the relationship he's in. I suspect financial dependency is a part of the arrangement -- but I don't know that. ... But I cannot imagine anyone who likes physical-sexual intimacy can be happy in a relationship that doesn't provide that, or happy (for long) to substitute extracurricular sex with people with whom there is no genuine loving.

Keeping in mind my need to protect myself -- legitimately --, I'm thinking that I want to see if [his name] can be my friend, and I his. So there wouldn't be any kisses, nor sex. And if he can't handle even that much (friendship), that's fine. It wouldn't be a comment on ME.
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Last edited by River; 04-15-2011 at 02:28 PM.
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  #28  
Old 06-08-2011, 10:54 PM
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Where's River? He's out there, loving himself up!

I bumpted into him--the kisser--at the grocery store after a long while not seeing him at all. We shook hands (which I initiated) and smiled ... and then proceeded to shuffle our feet and try to find words. "So, shopping, huh?" he asked. "Um-hmm, shopping"....

"Haven't seen you at the bar."

"I hardly ever go."

"Well, have a good day."

"You too."

(Have I told you I can be very shy and socially awkward?)

Anyway, we went back to shopping ... and eventually I "grew a pair" (as they say) and wrote my phone number and name on a slip of paper and tracked him down and handed it to him, saying Please call me for tea or something some time. He said he would. I dunno, maybe this was a week ago. I haven't worried over it much. I mean, ... well, whatever.

I'm slowly making my way toward just holding myself open to love's possibilties--without gearing up for the hunt, if you know what I mean. I realized the wanting of another love in my life only makes me unhappy, unsatisfied.... So I've decided to just love myself up, I mean really pour it on. I deserve it! Shit, I'm taking myself out on some dates!
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  #29  
Old 06-11-2011, 01:54 PM
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We met here in this forum, and have corresponded quite a bit in recent weeks.

We have dozens of important things in common, and we really like one another a lot.

She lives many hundreds of miles away.

We clearly love one another as friends. And there is mutual "romantic" attraction, too.

I'm going to relish the glow of love and let it grow as big as it wants.

Yet, in reality, we haven't really met. We know each other well -- but it's all been marvelous text.

I've told her that I'd like to kiss her, however -- and it's true.

This has never happened like this before.

It's warm and bright like the morning sun just before it rises.

My whole heart has smiles.
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  #30  
Old 06-11-2011, 02:59 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by River View Post
I'm slowly making my way toward just holding myself open to love's possibilties--without gearing up for the hunt, if you know what I mean. I realized the wanting of another love in my life only makes me unhappy, unsatisfied.... So I've decided to just love myself up, I mean really pour it on. I deserve it! Shit, I'm taking myself out on some dates!
Mmmm, I love this!
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