This all so new! Exciting but need advice out jealousy/neediness/expectations.

[AudentesFortunaJuvat]

Originally Posted by Wizzard

Here's what I would say. Meet with her, but have no expectations. If it doesn't turn into a sex filled romp, that's OK, you got to spend time with a friend. If it does, great, you got to spend some time with a friend naked.

But whatever you do, make sure she understands. Don't just drop it all and say nothing.

Thank you for your response. I agree with you. I would never drop it without saying anything. Never. I would hate it if someone did that to me. The communication is there. The problem is that I feel that I'm constantly competing for her attention, specially from her "ex." He's moved away from her and he pops up from time to time. Today he popped up, said some unpleasant things and now she's withdrawn and is not answering my texts. I hate it that he treats her like that. I'm the polar opposite, not even in anger would I say anything to hurt her.

I'm trying to be understanding of the situation, but it's very hard. We are friends, I want to comfort her. I understand she probably needs time but it would be nice if she came out and just said it, instead of just ignoring me and withdrawing.

[JaneQSmythe]

Originally Posted by AudentesFortunaJuvat

I understand she probably needs time but it would be nice if she came out and just said it, instead of just ignoring me and withdrawing.

Some people are just like this. I'm sorry. All I can say is to try not to take it personally. For myself, when I am really upset about something I just can't talk to anyone until I have processed it for myself.

Not my best friend, not my boyfriend, not my husband, not my therapist (when I had one). I have to live with it for a certain period of time before I can have more than the most superficial of interactions with anyone else - it's actually easier to interact with strangers than people I know during these periods (and I am someone who hates interacting with strangers). Even just telling someone I care about that I "need space" is a HUGE drain on my emotional energy, which is all tied up dealing with the problem at hand.

Hopefully her withdrawal doesn't last too long and you guys can have a deep and bonding conversation when it is over.

JaneQ

[nycindie]

My advice is to back away a little bit and slow down. Do not go and spend 14 days with her just yet. You are very conflicted about the relationship and need some space to process and resolve your issues. You are also still dealing emotionally with your divorce, which can take much longer than we realize (I speak from experience - it it often said to take two to three years to fully recover and feel stable again).

Her rule not to fall in love is something that I think really sucks and is kind of dictator-ish to say. Feh, fuck that. Red flag right there. You need to gain some equilibrium before moving forward, and see if this is what you really want.

You may want to visit a forum for LDRs (Long Distance Relationships). I know there is one at http://members.lovingfromadistance.com/forum.php - but it is not poly-focused, so take that into consideration.

[AudentesFortunaJuvat]

Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe

Some people are just like this. I'm sorry. All I can say is to try not to take it personally. For myself, when I am really upset about something I just can't talk to anyone until I have processed it for myself.

Not my best friend, not my boyfriend, not my husband, not my therapist (when I had one). I have to live with it for a certain period of time before I can have more than the most superficial of interactions with anyone else - it's actually easier to interact with strangers than people I know during these periods (and I am someone who hates interacting with strangers). Even just telling someone I care about that I "need space" is a HUGE drain on my emotional energy, which is all tied up dealing with the problem at hand.

Hopefully her withdrawal doesn't last too long and you guys can have a deep and bonding conversation when it is over.

JaneQ

I understand this. I guess it's at times like these when my insecurities become the worst. I took it pretty bad but yes, late in the evening she reappeared and it was like nothing had happened and we communicated for a few hours.

[AudentesFortunaJuvat]

Originally Posted by nycindie

My advice is to back away a little bit and slow down. Do not go and spend 14 days with her just yet. You are very conflicted about the relationship and need some space to process and resolve your issues. You are also still dealing emotionally with your divorce, which can take much longer than we realize (I speak from experience - it it often said to take two to three years to fully recover and feel stable again).

Her rule not to fall in love is something that I think really sucks and is kind of dictator-ish to say. Feh, fuck that. Red flag right there. You need to gain some equilibrium before moving forward, and see if this is what you really want.

You may want to visit a forum for LDRs (Long Distance Relationships). I know there is one at http://members.lovingfromadistance.com/forum.php - but it is not poly-focused, so take that into consideration.

Thanks for your advice. I won't lie, I want my cake and eat it too. We have both canceled previous plans, one each, if I cancel this trip I think this might be it for us. Whatever "us" is. Of course, none of the previous two plans got this far, buying of planet tickets, hotels, etc.

I also get what you say about her saying "not to fall in love" but I'm actually pretty ok with this. More than ok actually. It's weird, I don't love her nor do I want to love her like that. I'm just sooooo enthralled and excited by her. It's pure lust. In reality, I could never be with someone like her. She's the most demanding and selfish person I've ever met.

[AudentesFortunaJuvat]

How do you ever get to the "good" place, does anyone ever with these situations? I've read so many entries in this site, I want to be that person, I want to be the person that understands my friend's need to talk to all these people. The jealousy in my part is too much. Every time we talk I am reminded I'm not the only one. Not even close. There is always someone else, someone new. Never mind the logistics of time, how can she possibly pay attention to so many? With her it's the first person I know for a fact that if she is not talking to me, she is not thinking of me. Yet here I am, thinking of her constantly.

I'm surprised I haven't destroyed this yet. Really surprised. A few years ago I would have driven her away in no time. But I have controlled it. I deal with the jealousy within me and never show it to her. I journal, I talk to others, I leave her be. I do care about her. I wish the sex had never gotten involved, which lead to this neediness and co-dependency. The friendship was fine. I feel this friendship has an expiration date. We'll meet, we'll have a great time, I know that, but then what? She can return to her family and her other friends. She'll be ok. How about me? I have nothing to return to.

And you know what? No matter what, no matter what anyone tells me, I'm still meeting her. I have to. I want to. I will regret it for the rest of my life if I don't. I'm cynical. I know a year from then I'll be over the heart break. I'm willing to suffer for 2 weeks of her total attention. Is that sick?

[nycindie]

I think you are indulging in self-pity and melodrama for no reason. Shake it, man! For your own sake, you've got to snap out of it and wake up.

Originally Posted by AudentesFortunaJuvat

Every time we talk I am reminded I'm not the only one. Not even close. There is always someone else, someone new.

And? So what if there is? Why does that bother you so much? You want to own her? Own her time, her body, and be the focus of her life? Why so fixated on that?

Originally Posted by AudentesFortunaJuvat

. . . how can she possibly pay attention to so many? With her it's the first person I know for a fact that if she is not talking to me, she is not thinking of me. Yet here I am, thinking of her constantly.

Well, you gotta stop that. And realize that she may not be thinking of you every minute of every day because she is a well-rounded person with a full life and many interests. So what is your excuse? It isn't just other guys she is thinking about, I'm sure.

Originally Posted by AudentesFortunaJuvat

I wish the sex had never gotten involved, which lead to this neediness and co-dependency.

You have a choice to let go of your old societal conditioning and addictive neediness. It isn't her fault that you feel this way and it isn't the fact that you had sex with her. It is a pattern of thought process that you unconsciously engage in, so keep looking at this and stop it before it takes hold. Become aware and you have more choices. You don't have to feel as tortured as you do, but it's up to you to get yourself free of it. That is why waking up and examining where these thoughts and feelings are coming from is so important.

Originally Posted by AudentesFortunaJuvat

She can return to her family and her other friends. She'll be ok. How about me? I have nothing to return to.

More melodrama. Nothing, no one, an empty life when she's not around. And whose fault is that? This is worse than a sappy country song. Do you see how you are putting yourself through the wringer? Why? What do you get out of this pity party? Does suffering make you feel more alive?

Originally Posted by AudentesFortunaJuvat

I'm willing to suffer for 2 weeks of her total attention. Is that sick?

No, not sick. But you do seem addicted to drama and struggle. And is it possible you are just trying to recreate the closeness you had in your marriage, which is making you get attached too soon and far too deeply?

[Anneintherain]

Originally Posted by AudentesFortunaJuvat

How do you ever get to the "good" place, does anyone ever with these situations? I've read so many entries in this site, I want to be that person, I want to be the person that understands my friend's need to talk to all these people. The jealousy in my part is too much.

You seem (verbally at least) so sure that love is not what you feel or want to feel - you just have a big dose of jealousy/insecurity you are trying to deal with. I wonder if you realize that equating the desire to be involved with somebody, but not feel love and to be lustfully obsessed with them...and the stories you read here to be conflicting, because polyamory means open to being loving towards more than one person. Maybe that is why you can't reconcile what you are going through now with finding peace or truly helpful advice on this forum, because here there isn't the specific niche support you really need right now?

I don't know how this visit will turn out, and I hope it turns out well. My suggestion is to have aftercare lined up. Have a plan for if things don't go well, or if for YOU think it goes well and she doesn't feel the same. Have plans and outings and hobbies scheduled for a couple weeks after you get home, because I imagine from what you have been saying that there's a possibility that if it doesn't go well it might be very traumatic for you emotionally with the other things you are still working through. Of course there's a good chance you might just visit and realize you aren't that interested, or that meeting her puts things in perspective and you realize you aren't so negatively affected by her other partners, but I will say that your recent posts have made me really want to suggest you have a follow up plan in place since this isn't explored territory for you.

Hmm...I was saying more but I've decided to hold off.

[AudentesFortunaJuvat]

Originally Posted by nycindie

I think you are indulging in self-pity and melodrama for no reason. Shake it, man! For your own sake, you've got to snap out of it and wake up.

And? So what if there is? Why does that bother you so much? You want to own her? Own her time, her body, and be the focus of her life? Why so fixated on that?

Well, you gotta stop that. And realize that she may not be thinking of you every minute of every day because she is a well-rounded person with a full life and many interests. So what is your excuse? It isn't just other guys she is thinking about, I'm sure.

You have a choice to let go of your old societal conditioning and addictive neediness. It isn't her fault that you feel this way and it isn't the fact that you had sex with her. It is a pattern of thought process that you unconsciously engage in, so keep looking at this and stop it before it takes hold. Become aware and you have more choices. You don't have to feel as tortured as you do, but it's up to you to get yourself free of it. That is why waking up and examining where these thoughts and feelings are coming from is so important.

More melodrama. Nothing, no one, an empty life when she's not around. And whose fault is that? This is worse than a sappy country song. Do you see how you are putting yourself through the wringer? Why? What do you get out of this pity party? Does suffering make you feel more alive?

No, not sick. But you do seem addicted to drama and struggle. And is it possible you are just trying to recreate the closeness you had in your marriage, which is making you get attached too soon and far too deeply?

Thank you for your reply. Yesterday was a really tough day and as you can see, that's who I become on days like that. No, I don't enjoy any of that, nor do I do it on purpose. I'm a very rational person, when I'm calm I see just how dumb I act, but when I get emotional I get like that. I'm working on that and if you can believe it, I used to be worse! LOL

I am very fortunate though, I have a close female friend that knows of everything with this woman and we talked and she pretty much told the exact same things you did. Eerily the same! I appreciate all of your honesty.

[AudentesFortunaJuvat]

Originally Posted by Anneintherain

You seem (verbally at least) so sure that love is not what you feel or want to feel - you just have a big dose of jealousy/insecurity you are trying to deal with. I wonder if you realize that equating the desire to be involved with somebody, but not feel love and to be lustfully obsessed with them...and the stories you read here to be conflicting, because polyamory means open to being loving towards more than one person. Maybe that is why you can't reconcile what you are going through now with finding peace or truly helpful advice on this forum, because here there isn't the specific niche support you really need right now?

I don't know how this visit will turn out, and I hope it turns out well. My suggestion is to have aftercare lined up. Have a plan for if things don't go well, or if for YOU think it goes well and she doesn't feel the same. Have plans and outings and hobbies scheduled for a couple weeks after you get home, because I imagine from what you have been saying that there's a possibility that if it doesn't go well it might be very traumatic for you emotionally with the other things you are still working through. Of course there's a good chance you might just visit and realize you aren't that interested, or that meeting her puts things in perspective and you realize you aren't so negatively affected by her other partners, but I will say that your recent posts have made me really want to suggest you have a follow up plan in place since this isn't explored territory for you.

Hmm...I was saying more but I've decided to hold off.

Hi and thank you! Actually, I do have plans for after the visit. I have since the beginning. I travel a lot so I have a 10 day road trip planned for when I come back. I do have a great support group around me. I know I'm a fatalist at times but I do hope I have a great time and I can come back and just appreciate what I had.