Touch

[catbird]

Originally Posted by redpepper

well, you kind of are, but you made me think about the book "the five love languages" and how touch is one of the five ways people need to feel loved or express love. Gift giving, acts of service, words of affirmation and time are the other four... according to the book.

some need touch above others and also need to give touch. What does one do in a relationship if ones partner is uncomfortable about touch when you are in need of it or seeing anther partner be touched who feels love through touch more?

This is a tricky one for Mono and I as he has a hard time with how much I like to touch people and flirt. He chooses to close himself off and not look sometimes... or not hear about it. He thinks I don't touch others around me on purpose so as to not upset him and there are time I have done that, but lately I like the balance that has been created by his just not looking. Not that I touch more, but feel better about not hurting him when I do. It's kind of a don't ask don't tell (DADT) policy around touch actually Is that healthy I wonder?

I have that book, and like it rather much - Darla likes it too. Naturally I would have my own answers to the questions you post, redpepper, but they wouldn't pertain to you guys probably.

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by catbird

I have that book, and like it rather much - Darla likes it too. Naturally I would have my own answers to the questions you post, redpepper, but they wouldn't pertain to you guys probably.

Hi Catbird. Why not share your ideas with all of us? This thread isn't specifically about Redpepper and me, it's about the idea of touch in general. Maybe your ideas will benefit everyone regardless of who they directly pretain to

[redpepper]

Yes please catbird.

[gomugirl1656]

Glad I read this. Thanks for bringing it up. My natural level of affection when both spice are around seems ok I am pretty reserved in mixed company anyway but alone with them I am very cuddly to each. Neither of my "boys" have brought it up but maybe now i will to see what they think.

[idealist]

Richard and I recently met another couple. They've been married since high school. We had a nice day and evening with them which ended up in bed. Richard is a very affectionate guy. Early in the date, he was beginning to touch the other woman (I'll call her Gina) and you could tell she loved it. He began to show her a lot of affection which was appropriate at the party. On the other hand, her husband (I'll call him Tom) was not interested in physical affection whatsoever. Gina did confirm to me "that's just how he is"......so anyway....There was a period of about 45 minutes when Gina, Richard and I just snuggled and cuddled in bed together. Hugging, stroking, kissing, saying sweet things to each other etc. Tom wasn't interested. He just sortof sat there...watching us, I guess. Not sure what he was doing, but we enjoyed it sooooo much and so did Gina!! Looking back on the evening, the snuggling was the most enjoyable part of the entire date for me and Richard and we felt good about being able to share that with Gina since she doesn't get to experience that with her husband of 35 years. We are looking forward to and hoping for another "snuggle date" with Gina!!!

[catbird]

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

Hi Catbird. Why not share your ideas with all of us? This thread isn't specifically about Redpepper and me, it's about the idea of touch in general. Maybe your ideas will benefit everyone regardless of who they directly pretain to

Thank you! It's very nice of you to ask my opinions. Seems like the big question here is 'What if one person is big on touch and their lover isn't?' or 'What if one needs words of affirmation and the other isn't so hot on giving them?' or other what ifs where one or both could be better satisfied or gratified.

The book redpepper has talks about these things. It comes down to this: each person speaks his own love language. Necessarily, logically, the chance that his lover will speak the same love language is very small. It is almost always necessary for each lover to learn the other's language. This takes practice and concentration. It doesn't come naturally or easily.

It is very, very worthwhile, though, if both (or all) are willing to work at it, and recognize that it's necessary. Darla and I are having problems with it right now, and I hope we fix them.

[Derbylicious]

I think I'd like to read this book. It sounds interesting. Does it give ways to find out what your language of love is?

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by catbird

Thank you! It's very nice of you to ask my opinions. .

Everyone has experiences to learn from Great points!

For Derby, Redpepper has this book and it has a short test to find out what language you speak

[catbird]

Originally Posted by Derbylicious

I think I'd like to read this book. It sounds interesting. Does it give ways to find out what your language of love is?

I need to be honest, haven't read the whole thing. My household hasn't gotten that far, we are too damn busy. Fortunately we mean for the best.

[immaterial]

Ha, my very first experience with sexual intercourse, when I was 15, was with a 19 year old woman who, while we were fucking, said "don't touch me, don't kiss me, don't look at me." *That* language of love was incredibly confusing to me at the time. Since then I have chalked it up to pathology, but maybe it was just a kink for her, to just be purely fucked and not have any other stimuli. At 15, I hardly even knew what the hell I was doing, let alone how to create a space for someone else.

Anyway, maybe I missed it, but has anyone mentioned massage? I love being in sexual/romantic relationship with women who enjoy exchanging non-erotic massage. It's not cuddling, really, and not goal-oriented sexual either. But it is a form of tactile bonding and healing that I find deeply satisfying. I actually broke it off with a woman who hated giving or receiving non-erotic massage. I missed it too much.

Immaterial