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  #41  
Old 07-02-2010, 04:18 AM
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Morningglory629 Morningglory629 is offline
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Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
That being said, I would never hold her back from anything, but will also not put myself into an unhealthy situation. I can change the communication of my love for her so that anything she wants is possible from my perspective.

As time goes on I find myself more inclined towards, out of sight out of mind for things that although, not real big issues, do cause me to withdrawl from her. They enjoy their together time and I enjoy being cool with that.

I don't want to cope with everything because some things aren't worth it for me, they aren't big deals and only serve to ruin the time I have with her.


I will now find my fire retardent blanket and wait for the heat
You sound like my husband on this one! No heat...that is your perogative.
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  #42  
Old 07-02-2010, 04:35 AM
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Well he sounds like a great guy!
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  #43  
Old 07-02-2010, 04:55 AM
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Morningglory629 Morningglory629 is offline
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He is! No tats tho!!!!
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  #44  
Old 07-02-2010, 04:21 PM
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He is! No tats tho!!!!
My skin is my lifes story board. I get to share my story with everyone I meet without actually telling them anything.
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  #45  
Old 07-02-2010, 07:55 PM
Elliott Elliott is offline
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Default Mixed orientations mean negotiation

My relationships are with people of different romantic and sexual orientations and also very different levels of touchiness (if that's even a word).

My fiance H is asexual. I'm not. So one of the first boundaries we set up was that sex between the two of us was never going to happen. It doesn't happen and i'm fortunate enough not to want to have sex with them anyway. I know from other people that things would be a lot more awkward if I did want to have sex with them.

My other partners are sexual. One, C, has expressed interest in sharing sex with me but not yet. I'm waiting patiently as choosing to have sex with someone is not a decision to be undertaken lightly. E and I share sex and have negotiated what we are and aren't comfortable doing with each other.

Where our boundaries differ most is kissing. H will only do closed mouthed kissing. C will only kiss me if I ask for each individual kiss and she prefers closed mouth kissing but will do other kinds of kissing if she feels okay with it at the time. E has a preference for closed mouthed kissing but is willing to do more opened mouthed kissing and kissing with tongues with me since I explained how much I enjoy it. Her preference was just a preference, not a boundary but because I got with H and C first I had slipped into assuming that it was a boundary and that all kissing had to be carefully asked for.
E enjoys kissing me and doesn't need to be asked. Both E and H now will initiate kissing


Cuddles. We're all pretty cuddly except C but she's getting more receptive to me holding her as I get more aware of her need for me to tell her what I'm doing.

I'm fortunate that all my partners are okay seeing me being intimate with another partner Though E (who thinks she may actually be mono) still sometimes feels awkward being too intimate around H. Because H is my first partner, and my fiance, all the other partners I've had since (C, E and a lovely boy I'm no longer with) have needed time to get used to the idea that H is fine seeing me with other people.

H has just informed me that they feel a bit embarassed and like they are "in the way" when I'm being romantic with someone else. I guess this stems from them seeming to have been brought up with the belief that they are always in the way. We'll have to see what we can do to work on that.
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  #46  
Old 07-02-2010, 11:05 PM
jkelly jkelly is offline
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Question Reaction from third parties

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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I'm more interested in hearing how it works with different partners rather than your particular preferences. How do your partners and you deal with various levels of touching and acceptance of touching between others?
If I find myself not being as affectionate with someone as I would be if someone I'm involved with wasn't in the room, I think of that as a warning sign that there is an issue that needs working out.

Oddly, the most challenging thing about affection when I have multiple affectionate relationships in the same room that has come up for me (at least for the last while) has been reactions about it from third parties who aren't at all involved with anyone concerned. Some people are really bothered by seeing me be affectionate with someone other than my partner. I'm not really sure what the best way to handle that is; I don't like anything that feels like closeting my relationships, but on the other hand I would normally tone down how affectionate I was being with someone if I realised that it was making other people uncomfortable. Why should that be different if a different partner of mine is also in the room? I haven't quite figured out what I think is reasonable here.

Last edited by jkelly; 07-03-2010 at 02:38 AM. Reason: Typo fix
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  #47  
Old 07-03-2010, 02:00 AM
SayYes SayYes is offline
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Originally Posted by jkelly View Post
If I find myself not being as affectionate with someone as I would be if someone I'm involved with wasn't in the room, I think of that as a warning sign that there is an issue that needs working out.

Oddly, the most challenging thing about affection when I have multiple affectionate relationships in the same room that has come up for me (at least for the last while) has been reactions about it from third parties who aren't at all involved with anyone concerned. Some people are really bothered by seeing me be affactionate with someone other than my partner. I'm not really sure what the best way to handle that is; I don't like anything that feels like closeting my relationships, but on the other hand I would normally tone down how affectionate I was being with someone if I realised that it was making other people uncomfortable. Why should that be different if a different partner of mine is also in the room? I haven't quite figured out what I think is reasonable here.
See, I approach these concerns in a fairly opposite manner. I have some friends who I know aren't really comfortable yet seeing me be affectionate with my boyfriend, but I totally refuse to modify my behavior on their account. They know the situation, and they're just going to have to get used to it. If I was making someone uncomfortable with the *level* of physical affection I was displaying--with anyone--I would try to tone that down (or go somewhere more private ). But when I'm behaving in totally normal, socially acceptable ways, and the only reason anyone would be bothered is because it's not my husband, I don't feel like their discomfort is my problem.

On the other hand, I do find it perfectly reasonable to tone things down when another partner is present. I don't think that not wanting to actually *see* your partner behave that way with someone else automatically means that you secretly have a discomfort with the whole situation. My husband is well aware of how affectionate my boyfriend and I are when he's not around, but it would make him uncomfortable if we were like that when the three of us are hanging out, and I completely respect that. Maybe someday we'll be in a place where physical affection comes more naturally when we're all together. But right now, I'm thrilled that my husband is totally happy with me having a boyfriend, and that we can all spend time together and get along. I'm not going to lose any sleep over not being able to cuddle up on the couch while we're all in the same room.
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  #48  
Old 07-03-2010, 03:19 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Yeah, my gf has met 3 of my lovers, once or twice each... I did touch them around her, but not super sexually.

Except for the time she and I had a 3way w one of them... and that went fine. She enjoyed seeing me be sexual with him, and she got some action as well. I'd kinda like to do that again. With him, or another of my boys.
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  #49  
Old 07-03-2010, 10:53 PM
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Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
As a result of discussions related to Redpepper's Touch thread, I found out that she was experiencing awkwardness in showing affection to Derbylicious. Although a little surprised I was glad to find this out. We were heading out for a night of Burlesque and dancing with Derby and she came over to Redpepper's house before we left. I got to talk to both of them about this. They are in a relationship that not only makes them happy but makes me happy as well. As I prefer to get right to the point at times, I simply told them they need to let go of this. While I don't want to see them having sex LOL, I do expect them to be able and comfortable to show affection whenever they want (most guys would love to see them have sex I'm sure....they're damn sexy!) We then went out to the show and sat on a couch with Redpepper in the middle. Me and Derby held her hands and cuddled her up and then all enjoyed some dancing. It was fun, natural and healthy. Yet again communication has enriched all of our lives
thought I would add this from the "sharing success and happiness" thread (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showt...?t=197&page=57) as it is relevant here also.
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  #50  
Old 07-03-2010, 11:07 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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thought I would add this from the "sharing success and happiness" thread (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showt...?t=197&page=57) as it is relevant here also.
Thanks Lilo
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