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  #31  
Old 07-01-2010, 03:14 PM
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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Are you afraid that those hugs w this "bf" will lead to more, ie: sex with yet one more person?

It is interesting to see you 2 work on your relationship out here on the public board, hashing out issues you apparently haven't dealt with one on one irl.

DADT is a non-poly coping strategy. I get you mean it in jest, but I feel some discomfort around RP's intimacy boundaries there.
Ultimately I come from a background of not sharing physical intimacy (in an adult sense) with anyone but your partner...just a background thing. And yes sex with one more guy would be an issue as I am not interested in a relationship that is open in that way. Take me or leave me, there's no shackle around her ankle LOL! I actually don't have a large issue with her drawn out hugs with her non-sexual boyfriend and the intimacy they have. Do I want to see them cuddling...nope. You are right that I worry about physical closeness leading to more desire to move into the sexual realm. It's like teasing yourself I find. That being said, I would never hold her back from anything, but will also not put myself into an unhealthy situation. I can change the communication of my love for her so that anything she wants is possible from my perspective.

As time goes on I find myself more inclined towards, out of sight out of mind for things that although, not real big issues, do cause me to withdrawl from her. They enjoy their together time and I enjoy being cool with that.

I don't want to cope with everything because some things aren't worth it for me, they aren't big deals and only serve to ruin the time I have with her.

We generally do discuss things in person first but the forum is a good place to share and delve deeper into topics.

As unpopular as some of my opinions around sex are, yes, I do see a lessening of value in the sex I have with someone who has multiple partners. Therefore, the more partners added the less value I associate with it. That's being honest as un-poly as that sounds. But I am not poly.

Anyone who has seriously collected comics or stamps or sports cards or even RPG game cards understands the value of low circulation editions. The Death of Superman was a great story and I eagerly borrowed it from a friend to read. I didn't invest in it however, because everyone else did and despite being a great story it was ultimately worthless. This is a very specific opinion of how I feel...I own it.


How's that for an early morning analogy?

I will now find my fire retardent blanket and wait for the heat
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Last edited by MonoVCPHG; 07-01-2010 at 06:23 PM.
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  #32  
Old 07-01-2010, 04:01 PM
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I will hug pretty much anyone but I only cuddle those I am very comfortable with. I don't really like to be touched a whole lot by people I don't know very and who I haven't built some trust will. It feels a little like an invasion of my space. I think I tend to tense up if I am touched for too long by people I'm not comfortable with. I could be involved in a cuddle party if I got to invite everyone that was there otherwise I probably wouldn't go.

-Derby
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  #33  
Old 07-01-2010, 04:06 PM
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I could be involved in a cuddle party if I got to invite everyone that was there otherwise I probably wouldn't go.

-Derby
I could invite myself! Wait now..I have solo cuddle parties every night....nothing special about that
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  #34  
Old 07-01-2010, 04:18 PM
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I could invite myself! Wait now..I have solo cuddle parties every night....nothing special about that
"solo cuddle parties" huh? Is that what they're calling it these days?
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  #35  
Old 07-01-2010, 04:20 PM
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"solo cuddle parties" huh? Is that what they're calling it these days?
Happy ending solo-cuddles
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  #36  
Old 07-01-2010, 04:22 PM
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Very slightly off-topic, I heard once that one way you can tell whether or not another person is a hugger is by offering them a hug, and then seeing whether they squeeze back or pat you. If they pat you lightly, they're probably not so into the hugging. I've found that useful.

As far as negotiating the levels of touch between/among partners, I figure that (beyond deploying safer sex practices agreement--that I moderate) everything else will happen as feels organic and appropriate for the given relationships. I don't try to moderate how much my sweethearts cuddle or nuzzle their other sweethearts, whether in front of me or out of sight.

One thing I did do was tell my sweetheart's secondary that when we all three ride in the car, I ride shotgun. I told her it was irrational and silly of me, but that somehow I needed it, and she was beyond nice about it.
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  #37  
Old 07-01-2010, 05:15 PM
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Originally Posted by bettybaker View Post
One thing I did do was tell my sweetheart's secondary that when we all three ride in the car, I ride shotgun. I told her it was irrational and silly of me, but that somehow I needed it, and she was beyond nice about it.
I totally get this. We all have our things that make us feel grounded and secure. For me it's being the driver or at least being the one who decides who drives. It makes me feel secure and grounded. No one in my tribe minds that I make that decision for everyone... in fact at work I require the same boundary.

I see this being the same for Mono and his quirks around touch and sexuality. He is not coming from the same place as Nerdist and I or from Derby and my tersiary and non intmate friends even... he is our diversity. If I am someone who is proud to respect others diversity then I need to keep that in mind.

It took some mourning and conflict within himself and us to be okay with that. I am fine with it. I see it as a part of who he is and I do everything I can to respect that and keep up to date with how he is doing with things. It's just a part of our relationship. To me it is nothing more than the idiosyncrasies I have around who is driving and the fact that bettybaker likes to drive shot gun. It's no biggy and can be worked through.

I know it sounds like a crazy situation to some. I mean why the hell would I want to stay with someone who makes such demands and seemingly asserts ultimatums.... it does seem like an ultimatum I realize... that Mono will become less of a love to me and more of a friend than he is now if I don't follow his rules around things... I get that. But I don't mind them and don't feel I am being trapped. He has expressed who he is and needs to stay true to that in order to feel safe and secure in our relationship. His boundaries seem to be my freedom at the moment. I had an open sex life, I need containment now and he offers it too me. It does wonders for our D/s life in that I get to punish him for his demands. heh. (does that make me a switch?!)

On another note: everything that Mono and I talk about on here (and others) is pretty much come from hours of talking. None of what we say is coming out of the blue. That doesn't mean that we have all our shit worked out before voicing it on here.... but we talk about everything constantly. Before and after posting. I'm sure this is not big news as I'm sure others do that too, but I try my hardest not to post stuff without having gotten through some of what is going on for us first...so it isn't raw and out of the blue.

This thread has been helpful in that I thought we had covered everything off with the topic of "touch." Turns out we hadn't. Almost every thread brings new things to the surface or at least reminds us of how we have grown and where we are at....

Sure there is stuff that will never change, but I have noticed huge changes in Mono because of the stuff people write about on this forum... I am so grateful as I never would of been able to convince him that I am not crazy and that people actually think differently than him... just his knowing that I think eases his mind and has helped him understand himself and set his own boundaries about stuff.... fluid boundaries for the most part, but ones that haven't blown us a part.

When we realized that if other people can make boundaries that are their own then we can too, we started doing so. Unique to us and diverse from a typical poly situation. Mono/poly relationships are not typical poly ones. They are a different kettle of fish and are as diverse as poly is to mainstream culture... one has to be willing to sign up for that diversity going in. Just like some people would not consider going out with someone who is too different from them, some poly people would not/should not consider going out with someone who is mono... I hope our being on this forum has brought that to light.

That being said, I firmly think that if it weren't for this forum we would not be together. It has kept us together and kept us working towards a sustainable future. I can't express how grateful I am..

Thanks for looking out for me Magdlyn. You are awesome and brave to challenge Mono and his values. I like that you help keep us real and appreciate it.... don't think that this post indicates we had it all figured out all along... we don't and keep at it.
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  #38  
Old 07-01-2010, 06:11 PM
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No one should stay in a relationship where they have to exert control over themselves based on some one else's criteria to invest in them (commonly referred to as boundaries). They should find some one who better fits them. It's not that difficult a concept.
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  #39  
Old 07-01-2010, 07:22 PM
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Now maybe I can make a little more sense???? I hope any way.

I DO require personal space. I have aural issues so the more noise the less comfortable I am in the space sooooooooooo cuddles are generally reserved for home or other places I can be comfortable and contol thenoise level.

There are only certain people I'll cuddle with but I think that has more to do with the fact there are few people who come here. Hugs I'll give to just about anyone who wants them.

I would LOVE to be part of a cuddle party though . As long as the noise level is very low I'll be fine, lol.
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  #40  
Old 07-02-2010, 12:25 AM
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I love hugs, and if I've met someone once, I'll hug them the second time. If it's someone who I know likes hugs, I'll hug them the first time! Then there's always the lingering hugs between me and certain of my friends who will remain unnamed and that's kind of a grey area in between hugging and cuddling and I'm not sure what that means emotionally but I'm not going to try to unpack that one at the moment. Sometimes I'm comfortable with the lingering hugs and sometimes I'm not, and a couple of my friends like the lingering hugs and I'm not as into it, but there's a couple of my friends whom I love the lingering hugs with. Really depends on my mood. Cuddling I reserve with my SO and anyone I am romantically involved with; I've never just cuddled any of my friends but I am open to the idea, I'm a very touchy person and I communicate better with touch than with words. I know K (my SO) and M (her boyfriend) cuddle and that's cool with me. I'm glad they can take that comfort in each other. I've never seen them cuddling, but I'm guessing that's more because M feels uncomfortable around me than anything else. I don't really think it would bug me, except then who do I get to cuddle with I don't like unsolicited hugs from people I don't know unless I know someone that they also know, or unless they are giving off good vibes. K knows I cuddle with any other person I am dating at the time if the relationship gets to that point, she's cool with that. Sex is of course reserved for K and any person I may consider a partner/girlfriend/love interest who is interested and a relationship progresses to that point, and K's cool with that too. I'm cool with K and M having sex, I used to feel weird about it but I don't anymore. K and I actually have conversations about the sex we have had with other people and can learn from it and incorporate it into our own sex life. I don't see the intimacy that K and I have being somehow diminished by the sex she and M have, but that's just me.

I absolutely despise being patted or touched in a way that feels patronizing or overbearing or disingenuous... Grrrrr!

R
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