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Old 10-23-2012, 03:34 PM
beachbaby beachbaby is offline
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 1
Default Wanting to Transition from Mono to Poly

I'm new to these forums and have little personal experience with Poly people. I'm here to gain knowledge, seek advice, and hopefully establish some friendships with individuals with whom I can relate.

My boyfriend and I have had a relationship spanning over ten years, although some of those early years were on/off. We have a typical monogamous relationship, live together, and are raising our child together. We love each other deeply, but have issues just like any other couple.

I know in my heart I m meant to practice Polyamory; I believe in the fundamentals, and I know my own capacity to love more than one person. The trouble is, I haven't "come out" to my spouse. My goal is to open up to him about my feelings on the matter, and ultimately achieve the freedom to be who I am. So far, I have only been observing his reaction to unconventional relationships (on TV, movies, etc.), and thinking about how I want to proceed.

He's made remarks in the past about how "people aren't meant to be monogamous; it goes against nature", and "You can have a sister wife, I'll even let you pick her". On the flip-side, he's made comments about how he wouldn't be able to stand me being intimate with another man because of his jealousy. My partner is an open-minded, accepting, and forward-thinking person when it comes to the concept of Poly. I worry about him turning into a closed-minded, jealous and unreasonable version of himself when faced with it hitting close to home. I'm scared to bring up my true desires at this point and welcome advice from those who have been there.

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Old 10-23-2012, 09:33 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 14,943

Hello beachbaby,
Welcome to our forum.

You might start by telling your boyfriend you'd like to learn more about polyamory. Then you might try something like Opening Up, and read that book together as a couple. See if he would be willing to get a membership on this site, and then you can both post questions when needed.

I guess the main point is to go slowly, and give him some chance to develop some familiarity with the subject, so that he can explore his thoughts and feelings about it more deeply. Have a look around on this site and see what threads call to you.

Hope this helps some.
Kevin T.
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
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Old 10-28-2012, 04:15 PM
nerdyred nerdyred is offline
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 32

I am reading this book as well. It has helped a little and it certainly opened my mind on how to think about things. Feel free to share what you find important or ask any questions. Also, there are local poly groups in the major cities. Contacting them, can be informative.
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Old 10-28-2012, 05:35 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,521

Hi and welcome,

The fundamentals and intellectual theory all look good on paper it's the emotional side of putting things in practice that's the killer.

I'd also suggest reading the different stories here on the forum to get a idea of how good or bad things can go.

Good luck.
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Old 10-28-2012, 11:35 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Upstate New York, USA
Posts: 1,467

I'd like to add my welcome.

The transition can be very difficult - at least you have got *some* positive feedback from him.

You didn't mention this in your intro, but is your interest in having a relationship with other men, or women? If it's only women you are interested in, then your way forward might be a little clearer. However, if you are interested in other men, then you will have some more work to do together in order to work that one through.

My main words of advice are to take things slowly - be patient; Don't assume anything when it comes to what both of you are thinking.

"Listen, or your tongue will make you deaf." - Native American Proverb
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advice needed, coming out poly

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