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Old 08-26-2015, 08:07 PM
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Reverie Reverie is offline
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Question Confused libido..

Weird libido things that I have been thinking about that are troubling me...

I've historically been a one-to-two times per week kind of gal, after a short, initial, NRE-fueled unlimited times per day stint that lasts for a couple weeks or months. This has been my pattern for most of my sexual life. But with my fiancé, Rider, I was coasting happily along at wanting it one to two times per day for the entire 18 months of our relationship so far—an almost always REALLY wanting it, craving it, getting turned on thinking about it, plotting kinky stuff kind of thing. It had become my new normal, and I was very pleased with it.

Then something happened. Recently, my libido has just crashed. I would suddenly almost always rather cuddle, sleep, or even roll around and kiss with no promise of more. I find myself pleased rather than disappointed when Rider is too tired at the end of the night and wants to go straight to sleep. And I do get into it if I start, for the most part, but I almost dread the starting. WTF?

I have a few possible factors, but I can't separate out which are involved because they all happened at the same time, about three or four weeks ago:

1. I started having sex with a new guy, Beckett (which has only happened three times, over two dates). I have a major crush on him, though I recognize he would make a poor long-term partner for me for a variety of reasons, and I have been experiencing NRE-type feelings despite my thing with him not being "a relationship." I'm just kind of taking it as it comes and enjoying the ride, short though I know it shall be.

2. I started being massively overworked with job stuff (working 12–14 hour days pretty often). This has made me kind of want to do NOTHING a lot of the time that I'm not working.

3. I had a weird 12-day menstrual period this past cycle that made me feel like my hormones were totally in flux. My libido is generally pretty responsive to my cycle, with a definite spike around ovulation usually.

I'm not sure if it is related to one of those things, or all of them, or some combination—or something else entirely. Complicating matters is that this started a couple of weeks ago—right before Rider and I just got engaged. I am still madly in love with him, and I don't want to fall into that stereotypical "add commitment, subtract sex" cliché. Honestly, I'd been planning the engagement since April, so I've been this committed that whole time, so it isn't that. But I believed nothing like this would ever happen because my sexual connection to Rider has been so strong and the sex was getting so much BETTER with time, not worse. It's just my suddenly low libido has me so confused.

I can't really help the work part—my schedule's going to be insane until mid-November—or the hormonal part, if it's mostly those. But if it's poly-related (i.e., tied to having a new occasional partner that I really like), maybe there is some strategy for that? Has anyone experienced that? I've been browsing around the archives here trying to see if there's something I can do, but I haven't found much.

It's not like sex with Beckett was so utterly mind-blowing that it diverted me from wanting to have sex with Rider or anyone else; it WAS really good, but even while I was in the middle of it, couldn't help but notice that it wasn't as phenomenal as what I'm used to—less reliable orgasms, for example. And it's not like I even know when I will see Beckett again at this point, so it's not replacing sexual occurrences with one with sexual occurrences with the other. But I do kind of still want sex with him more? Like, at the very least, I fantasize about making out with him. And when I remember having sex with him, my heart lurches in my chest. That heart-lurching feeling is very NRE-related for me.

Could it be that my libido is so tied to NRE that I actually WAS still in some form of NRE with Rider until Beckett came along, which blasted away the last of my Rider-NRE and killed my libido down to my pre-Rider one-to-two times per week? Can NRE with a new person destroy the remaining vestiges of NRE with an existing person? Even if the new situation is untenable and the existing one very happy and stable?

This is the first time I've had a mega-crush on someone while I've been with Rider, so I don't know what's normal for me in that situation yet. I definitely haven't lost sight of my love for Rider AT ALL, but my body is just being weird. I am also afraid to communicate to Rider about this as much as I do about most things because I don't want him to feel unwanted—especially if it turns out to be somehow related to getting a new partner. I feel like that would be unnecessarily hurtful.

I'd love it if people could weigh in and share their experiences / hypotheses / suggestions / etc. All I have done so far is to kind of try to wait it out. Is this a thing that happens? Do I need to see a doctor? Tweak something in my relating style? Just keep playing the wait and see game, since it's only been three weeks? Also, how much communicating should I do? I don't want to jump the gun and say something that hurts Rider if this is likely no big thing.
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Last edited by Reverie; 08-26-2015 at 08:10 PM.
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Old 08-26-2015, 10:22 PM
Norwegianpoly Norwegianpoly is offline
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I just had this experience. Being too involved at work killed my libido. It still works with boyfriend - when I see him, I am away from work. But with husband, in the daily life of job etc - just no, or max once in a while, as opposed to every day which has been the norm for most of our relationship. Things happened in my workload and slowly my old libido is coming back.

Last edited by Norwegianpoly; 08-26-2015 at 10:34 PM.
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Old 08-27-2015, 12:07 AM
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Reverie Reverie is offline
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I just had this experience. Being too involved at work killed my libido. It still works with boyfriend - when I see him, I am away from work. But with husband, in the daily life of job etc - just no, or max once in a while, as opposed to every day which has been the norm for most of our relationship. Things happened in my workload and slowly my old libido is coming back.
That makes sense, actually. I work from home at the moment, and Rider and I have been basically living together (together nearly every night, in my place or his, with the official move happening in less than a month). Maybe my time/space with him is all gummed up with work in my mind. And Beckett is so new to me that our time together is a totally alien landscape, so it is less affected.

I hope things are better after Rider and I relocate to the other side of the country, where I will mostly be working in-office and probably slightly fewer hours. Or maybe my workload will just decrease. Ugh, I hate to think that WORK is ruining my sex life.
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Old 08-27-2015, 12:35 AM
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Re (from Reverie):
Quote:
"And I do get into it if I start, for the most part, but I almost dread the starting."
Heh, that's exactly how it is for me, ever since a few years ago when my libido, like yours, suddenly plunged. I can now go for weeks without and feel just fine. Whereas previously I'd get desperate if more than a few days went by. And I have no idea why it changed. It just did. I can only chalk it up to advancing age. I had no new partners and no new commitments when this drop happened, so ... ... I'm stumped. Could be a change in medication, maybe ... though I kind of doubt it.

I have no idea whether the same thing has happened to you. If it has: bummer. It's going to last at least a few years. But maybe it's only similar in content, not in duration. Maybe it is work. Who knows. You could certainly ask your doctor about it, doesn't seem like any harm would be done.

I understand your reasons for not telling Rider about it right away ... but, I wouldn't wait too much longer. As you know, communication is always really important. He's likely to sense your reluctance, and think he is doing something wrong. You need to let him know that it's not him, it's just something that's happening to your body. Difficult conversation to have, but an important conversation nonetheless.

Don't know if that helps, but that's a little from my perspective.
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Old 08-27-2015, 06:26 AM
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Hmm..thanks for the input, Kevin. More food for thought.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
I can only chalk it up to advancing age.
This seems unlikely to me, given that I have always heard that women are just hitting their sexual peak or whatever around my age (33). So weird.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
I have no idea whether the same thing has happened to you. If it has: bummer. It's going to last at least a few years. But maybe it's only similar in content, not in duration. Maybe it is work. Who knows. You could certainly ask your doctor about it, doesn't seem like any harm would be done.
That sucks so much that it's lasted so long for you! And I hope it doesn't for me. I was very much looking forward to finally having a fulfilling sex live with an amazing, giving partner who I'm normally very hot for. If it keeps up, I will go get my hormones tested or something, I guess.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
I understand your reasons for not telling Rider about it right away ... but, I wouldn't wait too much longer. As you know, communication is always really important. He's likely to sense your reluctance, and think he is doing something wrong. You need to let him know that it's not him, it's just something that's happening to your body. Difficult conversation to have, but an important conversation nonetheless.
I've talked to him about it a little, blaming work and apologizing, and saying that it's nothing that he's doing. I mostly just meant that I don't really want to wonder out loud to him if it's my new connection to another guy that could be partially fueling the problem. I don't want him to feel abandoned, unattractive, or cast away in any sort of way—I still love and cherish him deeply, and sparks still fly when we kiss. It's just that...beyond that...I don't really want to do much of anything.

Tonight we decided to try a little earlier in the day, taking a break from my work instead of waiting until I was done for the day. That helped a little. It still took me kind of a long time to get my head in the game, but it felt less forced, and I definitely thoroughly enjoyed myself and felt better after. That won't be feasible every time, but I'm adding it to my toolbox.
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Last edited by Reverie; 08-27-2015 at 03:31 PM.
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Old 08-27-2015, 07:50 AM
Norwegianpoly Norwegianpoly is offline
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Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Could be a change in medication, maybe ... though I kind of doubt it.
Why do you doubt that? Medication changes affecting libido is very common.

I have had med induced libido loss happening to me twice - one was a heart medication supposed to reduce my migraine attacks (it did...and reduced everything else, too), the other one was my fibromyalgia medication but I switched brand and my new brand doesn't affect my libido at all.

btw, I read that stress hormones over time reduce libido - basically the body thinks you are in physical danger, so it doesn't waste time being horny.
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Old 08-27-2015, 10:43 AM
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....I have always heard that women are just hitting their sexual peak or whatever around my age (33).
Brace yourself: My libido came on fast and furious after I turned 50 and I hear this again and again from women who are exiting their child bearing/child rearing stage and find themselves set free of periods and kids. Not sure if one even has to have raised children to experience this, but the sex drive after menopause can be overwhelming. My theory is that this has a lot to do with the wrangling of "hormones" at this stage of life for women. Many older women are not encouraged to embrace their blossoming sexuality and the creative spirit that comes charging forward when the nurturing stage ends. We do see increasingly more positive examples that model the full flower of mature female power and mastery, but not anywhere near as many as we do for older men. I suspect that if women welcomed the glorious creative and sexual energy that comes surging with menopause, the drug industry around keeping those "hormones" in check (or "replaced") would grind to an ear deafening halt.
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Last edited by FallenAngelina; 08-27-2015 at 10:46 AM.
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Old 08-27-2015, 11:02 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FallenAngelina View Post
Brace yourself: My libido came on fast and furious after I turned 50 and I hear this again and again from women who are exiting their child bearing/child rearing stage and find themselves set free of periods and kids. Not sure if one even has to have raised children to experience this, but the sex drive after menopause can be overwhelming. My theory is that this has a lot to do with the wrangling of "hormones" at this stage of life for women. Many older women are not encouraged to embrace their blossoming sexuality and the creative spirit that comes charging forward when the nurturing stage ends. We do see increasingly more positive examples that model the full flower of mature female power and mastery, but not anywhere near as many as we do for older men. I suspect that if women welcomed the glorious creative and sexual energy that comes surging with menopause, the drug industry around keeping those "hormones" in check (or "replaced") would grind to an ear deafening halt.
Yes, I agree with this. My sex drive was at an all time low in my 30s, and I know it was due to workload. In my case, having 3 kids in 5 years, being a stay at home mom, and all 3 kids were highly active and poor sleepers.

When I was 42, peri-menopause began for me. Suddenly with a lower amount of estrogen in my body, and then, the kids got older and slept better and were more independent, I had more "me time. All those factors increased my libido. Also, my ex h was making better money, we could afford to get sitters more often, and to go on more romantic dates, even long weekend dates, or a week long vacation alone, since the kids could go stay with our relatives.

If your periods stay wonky, you could go get things checked out by your GYN. Stress can delay periods. I am sorry your job is so demanding!
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also loving Punk (42, M) since Oct 2015 (he has recently downgraded us to friends)
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Old 08-27-2015, 03:57 PM
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Reverie Reverie is offline
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That makes sense about the stress hormones interfering with the sex hormones. Even though it's one of the factors outside of my control, it's heartening to think that that is probably it, because my job's being demanding is usually pretty seasonal and sporadic, which means that I am likely to come out of this on the other side in a few months.

I think maybe I didn't notice it as much the last time this happened with work because Rider was still with his ex and she had him two nights a week, so there was less of a demand on me for sex. Maybe I just assumed I would have wanted it those nights too even when under work stress—maybe it actually would have been more like this. I need to set him up with someone local so I can have a few work-only nights to myself where he is still getting his needs met, haha.

And I don't have any kids (nor want any), but I can definitely, DEFINITELY see how motherhood could mess with one's libido. I've heard that it makes insane demands on one's time and body—one of the many reasons why I decided that it was not right for me. I can't even imagine what my life would be like if I were working like this AND raising little ones. People who do that must basically be of superhero strength.

My periods have never been totally regular, but it's generally pretty rare that they do the super-wonky thing that they did this past cycle. It's usually linked to some big change. Hopefully it passes and is normal next time; I don't wanna have such a long period again! But if I do, I guess I will go get it checked out.

I am going to explain to Rider about the stress hormone thing and keep placing the blame squarely on workload, since that seems to be the most common hypothesis here. I am also going to encourage him to enact his chick-magnet superpowers and see if he can't find a fling to have from now until we leave town, kind of like I'm having with Beckett (but hopefully, for Rider's sake, WAY more frequent). I know Rider is super understanding of stuff, so I don't think he'll take it too badly that it might just be like this for a few months until I straighten my work stuff out—where I am up for it every once in a while, but not climbing him like a tree every day like he's been used to.
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Old 08-28-2015, 12:48 PM
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I know this problem from both sides, since I wasn't up for frequent sex when my kids were young (for a few years we only managed once a month sex, probably when I was ovulating haha), but now I am divorced from him and in a 6 yr r'ship with a woman 22 years my junior. She's 38, and her libido is much much lower than mine. Some weeks she is up for a few very good sessions, other weeks she's good with like, one 10 minute quickie. It's much better when I have a male partner or 2 to "service" me, lol. It's better for me, since I am happier with several hours of sex a week, and it's better for her, so that she can do it when she wants to, and not feel pressure to perform just for me.

But it's an ongoing problem we are always working on, since I start to feel less bonded with her when we go a few weeks with barely any sex. After all, of all the partners I have or have had, she's the one I love and desire the most!

I have to re-address it often, since she just kind of forgets to fuck me, and then I get all cranky and depressed.
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also loving Punk (42, M) since Oct 2015 (he has recently downgraded us to friends)
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