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  #81  
Old 12-20-2012, 07:51 AM
Numina Numina is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 139
Default Miscommunication: How it happened

Chipmunk has Thursday and Friday off this week, It is agreed that She and Airyn will have Thursday, and Airyn and I will have Saturday. Airyn suggests that He and Chipmunk make one of her half days special so he and I can still have Friday. Chipmunk says she may spend some time with her family on Friday. Tuesday is a half day at work for Chipmunk, I tell Airyn that as is per his spreadsheet (He asked me to help him update it) He and Chipmunk really don't need more time on Tuesday. I tell him that if she will spend the majority of Friday out that I'd be ok with giving them some time on Tuesday.

Chipmunk says she'll spend Friday at her mom's place, and Airyn suggests that they go out to eat that day. I say ok, and offer to do my errand earlyish in the morning so they can have a couple hours early in the morning. This is agreed too, and I again update Airyn's spreadsheet.

What I am hearing is that they'll have a couple hours early in the morning, and about an hour or so for lunch. What Airyn is agreeing to is having the entire time Chipmunk is home from work for the two of them. When I'm done updating Airyn's spreadsheet I ask him to look it over. I pointing out where he's out with Chipmunk on Tuesday, and Thursday, and our time on Friday and Saturday. I tell him that this is close to even, and that we should work at sticking to these plans. I also point out that I'm only guess when Chipmunk is being dropped off at her mom's and when she'll be coming home. He tells me it looks good.

I get to work Tuesday morning, and call to let him know I'm here (this is a normal part of our day). While we are on the phone Airyn is telling me about what I hear as a change of plans. Now they are not just going out to lunch they are also going to the Mall, and Half-price books to get gift cards, and Christmas cards for Chipmunk. Knowing Chipmunk's shopping habits it sounds like an all day thing. I remind Airyn that I had planned to run a few errands that morning, and ask if he would rather I wait till Wednesday so they can have the car sooner. He tells me this isn't necessary. I point out that I'll be out at least an hour from 9am to 10am. He say that he and Chipmunk will probably get up while I'm out, and do breakfast and coffee before they will be ready to leave so this will work out just fine.

For me this is a change of plans, but plans are always fluid for Airyn and I get that so I roll with it. I'm expecting to have a moment to talk with him about he and I at least going out for a walk or something on Wednesday.

So Tuesday morning, I head out run my errands, and am back home before 10am as I had promised. They join me in the living room just around 11:30am, and are getting ready to head out for lunch. I remind them on their way out that I'm wanting to get to bed at a reasonable time and that they are picking Wolf up from school (Something that had been at least agreed between myself and Airyn, not sure if he talked with Chipmunk about it or not). I'm just heading into the bedroom to get ready for bed it's right at 3pm and they come home. Airyn and Chipmunk tell me about their afternoon. They didn't run to the mall or half-price books, they spent a long time at the restaurant they picked out, and then walked around and shopped close to the restaurant. Ok sounds like they had a good day. Then Airyn tells me that tomorrow (Wednesday) they are going to run to the mall, and Half-price books to take care of Chipmunk's shopping. Great now they have made plans and are telling me what they are doing, not asking if I want to go, or if it's ok. Just this is what we are doing tomorrow cause we decided not to do it during our time today.

So Airyn and I are arguing over this, but he has to leave to get Wolf, and after he leaves I realize he and I had agreed to two very different plans for Tuesday. He comes home and eventually asks if I'm mad about today (Tuesday) or tomorrow (Wednesday). I tell him I upset about Wednesday, that I have told him multiple times that I was fine with today until I found out that they had made plans for tomorrow. I point out that I figured out we had agreed to the plans for today form very different perspectives. He is telling me that If I'm not OK with something I need to tell him up front. I tell him that if I had known they were going to be gone all day and I wouldn't get the opportunity to have time the next day I would have. He tells me he did say he was taking a half day to spend out with Chipmunk, and I point out that it is my entire day he was talking about. I then tell him that I showed him on his spreadsheet that I had set a couple hours for the morning while I was going to be out, and an hour for lunch, which was what I had agreed to. That he looked it over and agreed also, how then am I supposed to know he means something different.

He's telling me I should ask him to clarify, and Tell him I did. That I asked over the phone when he sprung the plan changes on me at work. I then also pointed out that last week when I tried to get him to clear up what he was planning (With Chipmunk meeting up with her grandmother) that he didn't clear it up till after we had pissed off Chipmunk. And I tell him he still has not been clear. That he expects what we'll drop Chipmunk off at some half way point and she'll be the only one getting out of the vehicle, that no one is going to be getting introduced? He says yeah it'll be just like dropping her off at her moms. Nope we will be meeting up some where. He say probably at a restaurant. Ok that's more clear, and in that case then yeah we can drop her off, she can go in on her own and meet up with her family.

So basically the whole things was a confusion over the times he and I were talking about. Airyn felt that I was saying he could not be spontaneous, that everything had to be planned. I point out that when he told me he was changing his plans that I just rolled with it, and wasn't upset till I was told about them making a shopping trip plan for the two of them that didn't involve me, or consider me. I tell him I get that he's spontaneous, and then I tell him that he could have gotten up early as he had said and had time to check his messages before going out for the day. Then he would have known I wanted to talk with him about Wednesday. He didn't, and All I had the opportunity to talk with him about was him needing to take care of the issue between Chipmunk, and Wolf, and him keeping up with his spreadsheet.

I also told him that I'm not touching it any more. That it does me no good, that if he's putting his plans on there and showing it to me then I can see what he actually mean. That me putting what I understood of his plan on there and showing it to him he did not see it. We have different styles when it comes to this. I get that I'm a numbers and logic person, he's more spur of the moment, nebulous planning type.

I didn't understand that when Airyn was saying "Chipmunk's half day" he was referring to the entire time Chipmunk was home on Tuesday. I understood him to mean it was the day she only works half a day. And he completely missed what I was showing him on his own spreadsheet. He also explained after we calmed down that the "planned" shopping trip was going to be quick, go to the store Chipmunk was buying holiday cards and get out. That it wouldn't be like her normal shopping in the mall of several hours. He admits that he messed up in not paying attention to the times we agreed to via his spreadsheet, and that he should have been more clear in what he was talking about for the shopping trip. He also says I cshould have just asked them how long they were refering to. I accept that I could have asked this, and told him it didn't occur to me as he had pointed out last Saturday that any time we run errands with Chipmunk it takes 2-4 hours.

So now he'll be updating the spreadsheet himself or it won't happen at all. And when they are making plans I'll have to get him to explain how long he is talking about. He also tells me that no matter how he explains what plans are being made I always have the option to tell him what I am interested in doing. Saying, "wait a min, I'd rather do . . . " I told him that I'd try, that the way they expressed their plans really felt like I was being told what was planned, and not being given the option to state what my opinion was.
__________________
Bi-sexual female

Married to my high school sweat heart (20 year relationship). Talked about Poly, but put the idea off and had a kid instead. Stumbled into an FFM (Vee) that became an FMF (Vee).

No longer dateing my husbands Girlfriend.

Airyn: My husband (Straight)
Chipmunk: My x-GF, My husbands GF (Straight)
Wolf: my Daughter with Airyn
Boots: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
History: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
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  #82  
Old 12-20-2012, 09:01 AM
Numina Numina is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 139
Default Communication:

If nothing else this last issue Airyn and I had with communication showed him that I'm not the only one who needs to work on this. I had previously explained that the way he has been presenting things to me in many cases comes across very poorly. He very clear saw and understood what was said, how it was presented, and why I got so upset.

Hopefully moments like this will become less frequent.

Tuesday evening in my anger, and outrage I told Airyn I had no interest in going with him and Chipmunk to run her errands. Wednesday morning I apologized for being so angry with him, and asked if he still wanted me to go with them. He said yes, and told me that if I don't go then it skews things even more in Chipmunk's favor. Maybe he actually did hear to me Tuesday when I told him more of an effort needs to be made to equally balance things.

I told him that I want at least equality, and that I feel things really should be balanced in my favor, and should never have been in Chipmunks favor. He says he thought i had agreed that due to my schedule (work/sleep) thing would never be equal or in my favor while we live in this home. I told him no I said it was difficult not impossible. That it could easily be remedied by Chipmunk changing her work schedule to mornings instead of evening. That I know she won't do that, that I know she does not like getting up that early, and I know he won't ask her to do that either.

So he and I did take about an hour walk Wednesday. We left early to walk to pick Wolf up from school, and leisurely strolled around the neighborhood taking pics of homes for sale, and places for rent. He's also talking now about us heading out for time together this Sunday. His Idea, not my suggestion. This feels much better. There is more work to be done of course. At least now I can see Airyn is willing to work with me to fix things. To reconnect with me, and get us back to where we were.

I think our disconnect over sexual intimacy scared him. I have been talking to him about my need for physical touch, for the flirting we used to share, and actual Quality time. That I don't appreciate him coming to me rushed, and hurried for sex. He is seeing that things are off with me if he has offered me no physical touch, or flirting throughout the day, that there is no point to suggesting sex on these days.

Last weekend it was clear he was making an effort to fix this, and aside from Tuesday this week he has been much more attentive. Sadly I won't be seeing much of him today (Thursday) as it is his day with Chipmunk. He knows it makes me a bit sad, and told me to just keep in touch, to bring my computer over to my friends house so we can at least chat a little online. It was nice that he suggested this. Not sure how Chipmunk feels about that idea. I generally try to avoid pulling his attention with messaging during their time alone.
__________________
Bi-sexual female

Married to my high school sweat heart (20 year relationship). Talked about Poly, but put the idea off and had a kid instead. Stumbled into an FFM (Vee) that became an FMF (Vee).

No longer dateing my husbands Girlfriend.

Airyn: My husband (Straight)
Chipmunk: My x-GF, My husbands GF (Straight)
Wolf: my Daughter with Airyn
Boots: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
History: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
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  #83  
Old 12-21-2012, 07:59 PM
Livingmybestlife Livingmybestlife is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 133
Default

Sounds like you had some meaningful conversation! I realize you want to avoid stress and conflict. Personally, when discussions of my BF were taking place there was some rightful discussion about a b c and if these were not deal breakers in moving.

As a person if I wasn't in a good place in my primary relationship and felt disconnected and disrespected. I would think many times about moving into a larger home where i might not be able to swing things by themselves if it didn't work. Seems like with your moral consious it would make it harder to leave or ask for her to find her own place.

I gucess the point is can you really make this move unless the relationship with Aeryn improves. With firm boundaries in place with all parties involved.
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  #84  
Old 12-27-2012, 07:45 AM
Numina Numina is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 139
Default Busy Busy

This week and weekend have been busy, and this next week, and weekend are looking to be just as busy if not more so.

Airyn and I have been really working on some of our communication mishaps, and working out where we want things to go from here. We talked early last night (Sunday evening) about how breaks up work. His belief is that girls generally want to still be friends, while guys tend to want nothing to do with their ex-lover. I told him that if that is the case then I'm on the more guyish side then the girlish one. I also told him that that was exactly what I said to him right after breaking things off with Chipmunk, and pointed out that it was him who asked me not to burn that bridge completely down.

That will likely take him a bit of thinking about before he truly grasps where I'm at. He acknowledged later that same night (As I'm leaving for work) that I have been patience for me, since I'm generally not a patience person. I told him that while he says I've had "spots of patients" that I have not once gotten up in Chipmunk's face about any of the things that frustrate me, and that for me this is patience. I admit that he has had to deal with those issues, and hear about them from me regularly.

He's also ready to tackle Chipmunk's Jealousy issues. He and I talked about it, and I explained that jealousy is an internal issue within Chipmunk, and has nothing to do with anything Airyn is doing. That it is Chipmunk's insecurities that make her jealous not something he is doing that he shouldn't be. I offered him a really good online resource for him to read over, and suggested that he read it with Chipmunk so that they can start working on this. She really needs to just be OK with Airyn and I doing things together. She gets upset when he and I go out for time to ourselves. Like Saturday, it was agreed that it would be a day Airyn and I spend together. Chipmunk decided to go out for lunch with her family. While she was out Airyn and I headed out to do some shopping. He messaged Chipmunk to let her know we were headed out, so she wouldn't be surprised if/when she got home and we weren't there. He told her up front that we'd be gone a couple hours, but would be home with plenty of time to get her to work. She got all pissy/moody, and said she'd just walk to work. Which set Airyn off, and had him a bit stressed where he's telling me he really needs to talk with her about that attitude. I agree, and tell him it's really time for her to get past this stuff.

I told him that I'm really sick of me being OK with every new thing we try, and her being very unhappy/uncomfortable with it. We talked extensively about things that I've suggested that Chipmunk benefits from, but isn't OK with returning the favor for me. I pointed out that I can't tell when it is her who is uncomfortable or if it is him. That because of how these things come up and are expressed it feels like he's the one who is uncomfortable, but that I think it's actually Chipmunk. So Tonight (Sunday night/Monday morning) while I was sleeping, and while I'm working Airyn is talking with her about this. He tells me that she's doing her usually negative reaction at the beginning, and that they are just getting started talking about. He says right now she is really just telling him how she feels, and he's expressing the things he and I have talked about and telling her that she HAS to get past this, and be OK.

One thing that he explained he has talked with her about: He told her that her getting to curl up cuddle, and such every weekday night with him is a huge perk in her favor. He asked her if she realized this. She acknowledged that she did, but said that when she has a room separate from me that she'd willingly give some of those nights up to have more daytime hours alone with Airyn. I told him ok, but what about right now? He said he'd talk to her about it more, reminding me that they are just getting started. He did tell me that he reminded her that for the first 3 months she has lived with us I was getting about 10 hours of alone time with Airyn per week, and that these past couple weeks is the closest he and I have gotten to having equal time together compared to him and her having time. Telling her that she is uncomfortable with he and I getting equal time, and that he and I have not once had more time then the two of them. From what he said this was the first time that she actually thought about this from a different perspective. He said she listened, and just nodded her head, no counter argument or attempt at justification.

I'm interested in hearing how the conversation progresses, and to see how things proceed from here.



Well, that's my update.

Monday we are going to a Christmas eve party at a good friends house after Chipmunk gets off from work. I have Monday night off from work, and intend to have fun with my friend and his family. Tuesday should be more relaxing, Chipmunk is spending the majority of the day with her family, and I have to work that night so I'll be getting to bed earlish. Thursday is actually my birthday, but I have no plans (which is normal). Airyn and I haven't really celebrated birthdays in a long time. We decided that we'd make one day this coming week special, but not really birthday orientated. Saturday we are taking our kid to spend a week with her grandmother. We are meeting her in Hot Springs which is a little over 4 hours driving for us, so about an 8 hour round trip. We've decided to spend the night in Hot Spring when we pick our kid back up the following weekend.
__________________
Bi-sexual female

Married to my high school sweat heart (20 year relationship). Talked about Poly, but put the idea off and had a kid instead. Stumbled into an FFM (Vee) that became an FMF (Vee).

No longer dateing my husbands Girlfriend.

Airyn: My husband (Straight)
Chipmunk: My x-GF, My husbands GF (Straight)
Wolf: my Daughter with Airyn
Boots: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
History: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
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  #85  
Old 12-27-2012, 08:00 AM
Numina Numina is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 139
Default Emotional Flooding

How many on this forum have had this pop up? Many from what I've read. I first read about it more then a month ago. I was focused on other issue in my relationships, and didn't consider it as appling to me. Well Over the last few weeks I've started paying more attention, and recently spoke with Airyn about it. He calls it over reacting. Any way I told him that I had an idea of what I'd like to try (or would like for him to try) the next time I'm in that place. I told him it was a conversation that Chipmunk should be present for, but not one that she'll be participating in other then to hear how I want to handle this next time.

I told him what I'd like him to do, and gave hi some examples of what he could say to help me calm down so we can talk more calmly and logically. He told me he'd try, but that if I'm seriously upset he will find it difficult to just leave me on my own. I told him that if it's that bad off then he should just hold me (physical touch is very important to me) and tell me that he knows we can work out what ever it is once I'm calm again. Not long after we had this conversation he left to take Chipmunk to work, and tells me what concern she expressed in the car. She wanted to know how long something like that could take, how long would he be "comforting" me. I laughed and said how should I know? Then told him that the next time she gets moody I'll ask her how long till she over it. He laughed a bit at that, and I told him that that's a goofy thing to expect to have an actual answer too.

So we'll see how this goes next time something set me off balance emotionally.
__________________
Bi-sexual female

Married to my high school sweat heart (20 year relationship). Talked about Poly, but put the idea off and had a kid instead. Stumbled into an FFM (Vee) that became an FMF (Vee).

No longer dateing my husbands Girlfriend.

Airyn: My husband (Straight)
Chipmunk: My x-GF, My husbands GF (Straight)
Wolf: my Daughter with Airyn
Boots: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
History: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
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  #86  
Old 01-01-2013, 01:47 AM
cosmicsunshine cosmicsunshine is offline
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Default

Hope the new year finds you and your family in a good place
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  #87  
Old 01-02-2013, 09:56 AM
Numina Numina is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 139
Default

Not really sure what to share. Things have not changed in my world.

We took Wolf to stay a week with Airyn's mom last Saturday. This Saturday we'll be picking her back up, but will stay the night in a shared room with Airyn's mom (at a place between her home and ours). Chipmunk was with us last weekend, and will be with us this weekend.

These past few weeks have been really busy with work, and the holidays. Not much time for visiting with friends, or making new friends. I did take some time to help Airyn Make an OKC account so that I can link to his profile from my own. He's not actually looking, but I felt it was appropriate to have him out there, have him answer all the same poly minded questions I've found so far, and get him to fill in enough info on his profile to show he's Ok with my profile. He got into it, and we filled out his favorites for books, music, and movies, and a few other things that strictly speaking weren't necessary for him as he's not actively looking for any other connections. Seeing the difficulties this first attempt has brought up I see no reason for him to truly be looking for any other connections either.

I'm still on OKC, and open to chatting/email with new people, but I'm not actively seeking out connections right now. I have a lot on my plate. I'll be spends a large amount of my free time this month in house hunting, and I've accepted an overture for an evening/day out with History. Boots has family coming into town this month, and won't be available, but has expressed interest in meeting up again when we can.

I'm actually rather skittish about starting a serious relationship outside of good friends right now. I know I want to make friends who are part of the poly community, and I want to meet women who also identify as Bisexual. Getting involved in these communities are what I'm looking for. I expressed in my profile that I'm looking for friends where the option to become more is there, but not required. I felt very much connected to Boots before we meet. We've gotten together twice now, and had a great time, but I don't feel that connection going anywhere. She not ready for more then friendship with any of the people she has connected with, and neither am I. History I think wants more then that. I feel that she is looking for a more substantial connection then she and I currently have. We haven't really talked about it yet, but I expect we will when next we meet up.

Right now I really just want to curl up in bed with Airyn and sleep for a week. I'm so tired, so exhausted. I'm planning to relax in a hot tub this weekend. Take some time to myself and recharge. Once home again I'd like to have time with just Airyn so he and I can reconnect and recharge together some what. Not sure we'll be able to make that happen, but for now the thought is very pleasant.
__________________
Bi-sexual female

Married to my high school sweat heart (20 year relationship). Talked about Poly, but put the idea off and had a kid instead. Stumbled into an FFM (Vee) that became an FMF (Vee).

No longer dateing my husbands Girlfriend.

Airyn: My husband (Straight)
Chipmunk: My x-GF, My husbands GF (Straight)
Wolf: my Daughter with Airyn
Boots: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
History: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
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  #88  
Old 01-07-2013, 09:39 AM
Numina Numina is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 139
Default Weekend Trip +

So we left early Saturday morning and drove to hot springs meet up with Airyn's mom, her estranged (ex) husband, and adopted son. Spent the day, evening, and night catching up goofing off, drinking, and walking/shopping around town. Had a good time, but didn't get to the hot tubs, or bath houses. Oh well maybe next time. We also didn't get to explore the museum as we had planned, again though we'll be up there another time.

There were a few uncomfortable moments. One I'll share. We had all been drinking, gone out to eat dinner, and do a bit of shopping. Back at the room we are drinking and cutting up, and I realise I've over done my drinking. It tends to make me really sleepy. So I lay down and nap for a while, and Chipmunk heads off to take a bath. I wake from my nap (probably about an hour) and nor longer feel any effect from all the drinking. Everyone else is still having a good time, but they are slowing down. Airyn leaves either to use the rest room, or to take the kids down to the vending machines. So Chipmunk starts clinging to me, feeling me up and fishing for kisses. But I know she's not for real, and is only drunk. So I grab her "wandering hand" and push her away from me, then using her hand I spin her around so that her arms are crossed in front of her, and her back is pressed to my front. I say alright little drunk girl. She tells me I'm a good one to talk as I fell asleep. I respond telling her yep I slept it off, and I'm not drunk now. I inform Airyn some time after he comes back to the room that Chipmunk is really drunk, and being flirty and overtly friendly. The beds are too small for three, and Airyn says he's taking the cot we brought, but i tell him I'd rather sleep on the cot, and that I'd like him to sleep between Chipmunk and me. He asks twice if I'm sure about it. He's too drunk to understand why, but see that I'm serious. So I sleep on the cot. He sleeps on the bed with Chipmunk. Starts off curled up and snuggling with Chipmunk, but rolls over towards me and he and i fall asleep holding hands. The Cot isn't high enough for snuggles.

I have no interest in sleeping in the same bed with Chipmunk when she's being overtly flirty like that. She doesn't mean any of the overtures she makes, and I'm not willing to fall for those again.

So we got home from our trip and I asked Airyn to join me in the shower. While we are in the shower I tell him the specifics of what Chipmunk was doing while he was busy, and how I handled it. He and I will have to talk further so he understands how uncool it is for her to persist in this when she's not for real. Before we got out I told him that I needed to be able to talk to him about sexy stuff, that right now it's just talking that I want to be able to do. He agreed and one of us suggested that we talk about it the next day. It was a kind of short sower so we didn't get to elaborate on anything. Since I have to work after our shower I'm getting ready for bed, and Airyn is getting his spreadsheet together, putting Chipmunk's schedule in it and making adjustments to where he and I will spend time just US, versus where he and Chipmunk will spend time just the two of them. Chipmunk eventually gets up to go to the kitchen/living room, and Airyn sits by me on the bed. At this point I'm basically asleep, i have a pillow over my head to block out light and sound and I'm very groggy.

He leans over for kisses, and asks me what I was wanting to talk about. Wanting me to clarify our very brief conversation in the shower. So I try, but I'm sleep so he has to ask several times. I tell him that he and I need to talk about sexy things, cuddling, kissing, sex, and "stuff". I tell him that we need to talk about my looking else where for these since it's missing or lacking at home. He says that he felt we cuddle and kiss alot, and I told him that we do kiss a lot, but that we don't cuddle, or flirt around the house like we used to. I tell him that I'm not mad, I just need to be able to talk with him about it. I also tell him that I want him, he giggles and says, "what right now?" Which makes me put the pillows back over my head. He gives me kisses and says we can talk more tomorrow and gets up to leave.

Airyn has been making some effort to level things out. To find ways for he and I to spend more quality time alone. This past week with Wolf out of town I had hoped he and I would find more time for ourselves, but this didn't happen. Airyn started putting together a tentative plan for this coming week, and is suggesting things he and I can do to have US time. I was really hopeful the week of Christmas when he and I had more time then has been usual. I was trying not to get my hopes up, but felt really disappointed when he and I had so little time this past week, and hearing that this coming week isn't looking too much better just made me really sad.

I've talked with Airyn several different times over the past couple months about my need for physical touch, how it's very important to me. I had asked him at one point to flirt with me around the house again (like he used to). I've told him that when I'm upset he should at least give me a hug, and if he's ok with it to just hold me for a while. Well he has been trying to work on this, but I crave more then what he has been able to offer, or has been offering for a long time (since Chipmunk moved in). I've done some serious thinking around this. I feel that if I had someone I could cuddle with outside of Airyn that it wouldn't bother me as much that he's not offering this like he used to.

There's more for he and I to talk about. We need to talk about my kinks and how/where I can get these needs meet. My interest in women isn't moving much. I'm more awake by the time Airyn leaves, and I'm realising just how disappointed I was about finding time with Airyn, and that I really need to follow through on some of my ideas around kink, and meeting like minded women, or getting together with a fellow as a non sexual boyfriend (NSBF).

NSBF: I know someone who just might be interested in that kind of relationship with me. He and I have known each other for about 9 years, he's married. He knows about my sexual orientation, and about Chipmunk. HE and I have talked about it a few times. the good stuff, and the sad stuff. He offered once to met me some where for a cup of coffee if i needed someone to talk to. I know about his wife and their kids. She's going through menopause, and they are seeing a councilor, and looking for healthy ways to deal with her lack of hormones, and other personal concerns. I know he misses the PDA he used to have with his wife. Things like holding hands, and hugging all acceptable in public places. I've been wondering (to myself) if he'd be open to sharing this with me. PDA between us, with the acceptance and permission of our spouses, could potentially alleviate both of our desire for more attention then we currently receive from our spouses. I haven't talked to Airyn or this fellow about it at all, but I'm thinking about it.

Kink: I have several what I consider minor kinks that Airyn and I have explored. I also have some that Airyn is just barely touching on that he knows I'm interested in. I've also found a couple that I'd like to explore. Going to the Fetish Ball showed me a thing or two that I'd like to try. All of these are things Airyn could potentially offer me. He is comfortable with being dominate, and I know he's interested is several of the same things. He's done some things with me, and has recognised a few of my kinks when we've stumbled on them. I'm not sure he'll be interested in everything that I am, and have to talk with him about it. Airyn has never been interested in talking about sex, or sexual things. He keeps it to himself. When I ask about his fantasies, or what he fantasizes about he tells me nothing, or that really he's interest is in different types of women, different ethnicity's. So this is a difficult subject for me to bring up. I also know someone who might be able to introduce me to others with similar interests. And I know there are gatherings for the kinky minded locally that I can attend, and learn more. I'm just not sure how comfortable Airyn will be with these ideas.

So Airyn has left the room, but I've woken up and have started thinking about the things I want to talk to him about. I've also realised how I had gotten my hopes up, and that really finding time with Airyn hasn't actually changed for me. So I'm stressed, and a bit upset. after a while Airyn comes back to the room, and finds me upset. I had a pillow over my head and didn't know he was in the room. So he puts his arms around me and is asking me what's wrong and trying to figure out what happened. I tell him that I had gotten my hopes up, but that really nothing has changed. I also tell him that I need to spend time in the "gayborhood", that I'm not upset with him so much as just scared. Upset that I'm not getting what I want, and need for myself. He hugs me and tells me not to stress to just calm down and tells me that he's here for me. Then he says we can talk about all this tomorrow.

I'm an introvert, and I've never gone somewhere specifically to just meet other people. If I'm going out I'm going with someone, or I'm meeting up with someone. So the idea of heading out to meet random people is very outside my comfort zone, but it's also something I want to be able to do. Once I get past being scared I know I'll be ok, and can just go out. I just have to talk about it, and build up my resolve? confidence? IDK, something to get me past my natural tendancy to withdraw into myself. I have to put myself out there if I want to meet local people to hang out with or "hook up" with.
__________________
Bi-sexual female

Married to my high school sweat heart (20 year relationship). Talked about Poly, but put the idea off and had a kid instead. Stumbled into an FFM (Vee) that became an FMF (Vee).

No longer dateing my husbands Girlfriend.

Airyn: My husband (Straight)
Chipmunk: My x-GF, My husbands GF (Straight)
Wolf: my Daughter with Airyn
Boots: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
History: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
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  #89  
Old 01-08-2013, 09:51 AM
Numina Numina is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 139
Default Conversations with Airyn: Part 1

First I told Airyn that I just wanted to talk about things, that I'm not talking about anything that I want to go participate in tomorrow. That I may not act on anything we talk about for a month or three.

Poly/Kink get togethers: Talked with Airyn about me going to some local gatherings for poly peeps, and kinky peeps. Told him about kink munch's and poly dinners. Told him that I'm not going to kink events looking to play or be played with. I'd be going to meet people who are into that, and get to know them. That I'd like to learn more, and see what else I might find interesting or worth trying. That I'm not quick to move on these things, and I don't see myself as having the level of trust I would need to participate in kink dynamics with any one new for a long while. He tells me any of these things I want to go to he is ok with, and tells me to stop stressing over it. That he does want to know where I'm going, what I'll be doing, but that he is ok with any of these events I've talked to him about.

Kink: I spent some time browsing Stockroom.com and had several tabs opened. When Airyn and I had some privacy I showed him the things I was looking at. I told him that some of it is stuff we can make/get our selves from hardware or sports equipment stores. I also told him that some things are easily manageable without purchasing anything. The only concern he originally stated was the cost of some of the things I was looking at. I also showed him a few items that wouldn't be used by he and I, but that I want. He has no issue with these items. His first comment was that nothing I was showing him was stuff he hadn't seen before. lol

Then we talked about what we have available right now, and how we haven't touched any of it in a while. He said that we have always gone through spells where we play with kinky things, and spells where we don't. He also says he is interested in trying out new things, and not as interested in the same things we've done in the past. We also talked about our issues with physical intimacy. He tells me that it will be easier for him to be more intimate with me when I'm less emotional. He acknowledged that kinky stuff isn't on his mind right now when we struggle with more basic intimate situations. I talked very briefly about it too. I told him that he and I need more time to ourselves. That I can be mental and emotional interested and not have the physical pull. This is something he and I will talk more about later. I told him there was more I wanted to say, and that I'm just not good at spitting it out. He said not to worry, that we can talk more later, when I'm ready.

He also reassured me. Telling me that he and I will be getting more time. That he's looking more closely at the schedule and that Chipmunk is talking about making some adjustments to her work schedule so that he and I can have more day time hours. He's telling me the same thing I've been telling him and his family for the past 4 months, "I'm not going any where". Telling me that he's here for me and that he wants me to have a girlfriend to get to experience that with someone who feels like I do.

NSBF: Not an option. I didn't specifically come out and ask for this, but did ask what level of intimacy is ok, versus what would be too much. Airyn very specifically said he is ok with any level of intimacy I am ok with from the first meeting on. He very specifically said with women. We talked about my being able to meet up with male friends, and discussed what his concerns might be. He tells me that if I say everything is cool, and he has nothing to worry about then he believes me, he trusts me. He also warned me like he did when we were younger that most guys are friends with good looking women cause they can't be more, but want to. Then he reminds me that I'm a good looking woman, and that any guy friends I have are most likely wishing they could be more. He made it very clear that any male friends have to know that it is just "friends". That I have to be aware that I don't cross the line of flirting, leading someone on, or giving anyone the impression that there might be more that I'm interested in.

I told him that this is new territory for me that I have not bothered with having male friends I could meet up with on my own. He asked about Just A Guy. I pointed out that that is new as well. That while I've known Just A Guy for 4 or 5 years he and I never met socially till about 4 months ago, and I pointed out that I invited him to hang out not the other way around, and that I invited him to come to our place. That untill this past month I had not meet up with Just A Guy on my own it was always with Airyn. I also pointed out that Just A Guy from my position is WAY to young for me. That Just A Guy and I have both talked about sex, and sexy things but always in the context of our relationships, and never any possibility of anything between us. That I know, and have shared how Just A Guy feels about his high school sweet heart. I then pointed out that this fellow I'm considering meeting in very public place for coffee I don't know that kind of thing about him and his wife. I also don't know how his wife might feel about him meeting up with a younger women. I'm about 10 years younger then this guy, and 15 years younger then his wife. I'll have to give him a name, lets go with Safety it has to do with how and when we met. I also pointed out that I'm not talking to Airyn as if I'm going to set something up to met with Safety this week, that it might not even happen till next month. That I really am just talking about this, finding out what Airyn is ok with. I told Airyn that I gave Safety my email, and that I feel comfortable with that. He laughed, and said email huh. We talked some more about some of the other fellows that I'm friends with at work, that I have on in my Facebook, (as well as several women), and that this is the first fellow I have given my email to. Airyn is not bothered by this at all.

We also talked about how I can go about meeting other like minded bisexual people. I expressed that I wanted it to be ok for me to get to know both male and female bisexuals. We talked about my interest in spending time in the "gayborhood" and I came up with the Idea that I get a part-time job in the area. I think it would be a good way for me to be comfortable headed out there on my own. And it's always nice to have some extra income. Airyn likes this idea, and said I should look into that. We also talked about me being interested in hanging out with gay men and "queens". I was kinda laughing about it, but I was also talking very seriously. Airyn likes these ideas.

We talked about there being room for passion, and desire. That he trusts my judgement, and feels that I'll be safe and cautious when deciding if a connection I've made is something I want to pursue further on the first "date" or 6 months later. I talked with him about my OKC account, how I put out there that I would not be interested in sex on the first date. That for me this sentiment was coming from a position of being with him, and that that is how I feel around men in general. Then I told him that I feel women are different. That I may find myself more comfortable with this idea with a women. He's ok with this. I told him that I wanted to talk about it cause I'm not sure. That I feel I'm in the same position he was once in. Worrying about how he will react when the time comes. (Like he worried about how i would react to seeing him with another women) He says that he doesn't foresee himself being uncomfortable, but that if he finds he is he will let me know right away. I told him that I'll feel better about meeting up with people when we have a bigger place like the house we are looking at. I told him that I have two minds about it. That on the one hand I have basically no experience with women, and that I expect to find a lady who has a lot more experience then I do. That going to someone elses place means that they are likely to have toys we can play with. On the other hand I'd like to be able to invite someone to my place, and that I can't do that right now. I also tell him that all the concerns he and I have, I expect anyone I may find I'm interested in to have the same about coming to our home as well.

I told him a couple times that I'd really like someone outside our place that I can cuddle with, hold hands, and potentially kiss. That the little things that bother me at home would be less of a bother if I had that type of interact elsewhere. I also said that some of the things I want I can only get at home. To this he started talking about sex again, and I told him that I'm not talking about just sex. Then I went back to talking about wanting to have someone I can cuddle with. That it would be nice to curl up with someone on a couch and watch movies, or TV shows together. He said it would be nice for he and I to do that and watch Hell's Kitchen.
__________________
Bi-sexual female

Married to my high school sweat heart (20 year relationship). Talked about Poly, but put the idea off and had a kid instead. Stumbled into an FFM (Vee) that became an FMF (Vee).

No longer dateing my husbands Girlfriend.

Airyn: My husband (Straight)
Chipmunk: My x-GF, My husbands GF (Straight)
Wolf: my Daughter with Airyn
Boots: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
History: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
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  #90  
Old 01-08-2013, 09:52 AM
Numina Numina is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 139
Default Conversations with Airyn: Part 2

I also told him that we'd have to talk about it more later. That I want to talk these things out, that I am stressed, and worried about a lot of the new things I want to try. I reminded him that I really am an introvert, and that my nature puts me wanting to avoid people in general. Either way we are amking progress. Airyn told me he spoke with Chipmunk (finally) about a roommate agreement. That Chipmunk did put in a request to work mornings two days a week, and that she has talked with her boss about being interested in day time shifts versus closing shifts. He's showing me that he is very concerned about the changes in our level of intimacy. That he wants things to get better, and for me to be happier. We talked about Chipmunk moving out versus her moving into another place with us.

He tells me that Chipmunk sees herself as part of our family, and that she wants to participate in us buying a home. He also told me that she also very much wants her own place, and that he suggested that she could do both. That she could help us get moved into a newly bought home, and then a few months later move into a place of her own. We also talked about the possibility that the house we have looked at could present. It has a small garage that is in need of a lot of TLC. We talked about tearing it down and building something nicer with a second story garage apartment. The idea being that Chipmunk could design the apartment. That she could purchase nice appliances that she would own. Things that she can take with her if/when she might move out. Like a nice claw foot bath tub (she prefers to take baths). Anything like that, stove, fridge, even the toilet. These are things we'd probably set up economically (inexpensively) and then upgrade later. I told him that when it comes to room mating with Chipmunk again I'd have to think about it. That there would have to be a roommate agreement in place before she moves in. That there would have to be a set time when things would be reevaluated. He talked about the three month trial period I had suggested back in November. I told him that was supposed to start at the beginning of January, not April. Airyn is actively laying the ground work for these possibilities.

He has discussed what things a roommate agreement would include, and says he talked with Chipmunk about the financial aspects of this potential agreement. He told her that the electric bill in our current place is getting out of hand, and told her that she will have to start participating. Before I left for work he asked me to talk with Chipmunk about amounts, and what she could expect. He doesn't remember my suggestions, so I told him we can do that. I also told him that Chipmunk has to start actually saving for the up coming move. That she can not expect us to cover her costs. I again told him that she can not continue to rely on us for her survival. She's an adult and should be taking care of herself. I told him that she needs to realize that I won't be continuing to drive her to and from work every day. That she has to get her own way to go even if that is just a bicycle. This is an old comment. I've been suggesting that she get a bike, and learn the busing/train system for about 3 months now. Airyn says he feels that she realizes this. I tell him that from what I have seen and heard this isn't so. That I feel she will expect him to continue to get her to and from places even after she moves into her own place.

I also showed Airyn the Roommate agreement I was putting my suggestions on. I showed him how it is just questions. That these questions are meant to spark discussion. I showed him that I included visitors, and that this was more for me, so I could know what would be acceptable if/when I would like to invite some one over. That If we are sharing space I need to know what everyone is ok with, as much as Chipmunk needs to know what is expected from her financially, and cleaning around the home. Airyn tells me that chipmunk wants a place where she can do what she pleases without having to answer to anyone else. I tell him that for me this is preferable. That I don't see her having her own room as a solution to many of the issues (problems) we are dealing with.

Apparently Chipmunk had set a date of January 13th for when things would have to get better in our current home for her to decide if she was gonna stay or move out. Now the tables are somewhat turning as Airyn has asked her to decide if she's in this relationship for the long haul, and wants to know by the same date she set for him. They are talking about her being young and interested in experiencing other people, and being more free with what she wants to do. Airyn has been listening to Chipmunk's interest and attractions to others, and is asking her how imminent this is. Telling her that everyone sees someone attractive and wonders what they are like, or has an interest in being with them. That we all just choose not to act on these things. So he's asking her if she wants to be able to act on these impulses, and if their mono type relationship will be ending on a whim. He told her that he does not want to put this much effort into a relationship that could potentially end in a couple weeks when she feels she wants something different. He tells me he can see how conflicted she is. They have previously committed to each other. As in Airyn won't date anyone but she and I, and she won't date anyone other then him. It's as close to Monogamy as she can get with Airyn. He's basically telling me that he has asked her for a deeper commitment, and has told her only she can offer him security in their relationship. That how she acts, and what she choose to do will tell him how secure they are as a couple. That so far she has not truly committed to their relationship. She has shown some poor judgement when out with others, and when in a group setting with us and our friends (or friends or friends). I told Airyn that the 13th is next Monday and that they don't have a whole lot of time to figure this out.

Airyn knows and has acknowledged that I'm keeping my opinion to myself. I told him that i don't see Chipmunk as permanent, and that's all I care to share verbally about it right now. He says he knows this, and that he has a good idea where I am without me saying anything else. I also let him know that I will listen to him about anything he wants to talk about concerning this deadline they have. That I will avoid making comments or passing judgement, and just listen and be here for him.
__________________
Bi-sexual female

Married to my high school sweat heart (20 year relationship). Talked about Poly, but put the idea off and had a kid instead. Stumbled into an FFM (Vee) that became an FMF (Vee).

No longer dateing my husbands Girlfriend.

Airyn: My husband (Straight)
Chipmunk: My x-GF, My husbands GF (Straight)
Wolf: my Daughter with Airyn
Boots: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
History: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
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