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  #151  
Old 02-13-2013, 03:54 PM
Numina Numina is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NovemberRain View Post
Sounds to me like maybe you should get upset on 'their' days more often, you'll get more hugs....
Seems to work for him.
(sorry, can't help the snark)
hahahha, I try to be the adult. (note the "try" part)

I was also glad to have an opportunity to point out to Airyn that I don't have any trouble speaking my mind to Chipmunk. Like me telling her what was up while stressy grabbing things to get myself out of the house. Sure something I take my time with, but not everything.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Livingmybestlife View Post
Mi am glAd ur getting clarity and more respect. Did u and she ever speak on monday. Sorry silly new tablet.
They had Monday and Tuesday this week. Monday she asked if I wanted to go thrift store shopping, I said sure. I was thinking she wanted to go just us so she could try talking to me in very public places. Then Airyn asked if I was going with them.

I told him I had agreed to go, but that I didn't realize it would be the three of us. HE APPOLIGIZED. It was not his mistake to accept the blame for. But then I had not directly told Chipmunk that I would not be going anywhere with them as a group (After how Things went this weekend I am back to that). I told him it was fine I'd that I'll be ok with it. We went out all three and shopped a several thrift stores. No confrontations, no angry eyes, no pouting. Just three people shopping. When we get done we drop everything off at the house, Airyn and Chipmunk leave to pick up Wolf, and Then Wolf and Airyn come see me in the bed room.

Wolf is all excitedly telling me about her day, and what not. I give her bed time hug and kiss and send her on her way.
Airyn sits beside me. Gives hugs, kisses, and we talk. Since we know our voice carry into the bathroom and to Chipmunks "space" we talk very quietly. He tells me that Chipmunk was happy with how the day went, and that he told her that we only have problems on days he's "with" me that normally it is he and I inviting her out and her pouting that causes stress, and anxiety. I nodded, and said that maybe it will make a difference seeing how it can be soo much easier when people are cool. (but I'm not putting any expectation on that idea) You know "lead by example". This was the first time she had invited me to join them when they are have "their" time. She did not get the guts to talk to me on Monday.

I have a very good Idea what she wants to talk about, and our conversation Tuesday did not include that.

I have a feeling that after the conversation Airyn and I (sorta) had in the kitchen that Airyn instigated talking to her about move out cost, versus saving goals. I told him when I was explaining part of what had set me off, that just watching the two of them "be" a couple together is enough to trigger me now. I have since figured out that Friday but me past my breaking point. With my MiL's help and some serious thinking Saturday, and long discussion with Airyn Sunday I have started finding my feet again.

For a long time there I was down and out, just agreeing to anything and everything. I told Airyn He and I had to break that habit together, we created it together. That habit had more to do with his not really listening to me, and me giving up on trying to be heard. He's trying to show me that he's taking our soon to be engaged status seriously. More about that at another time though.
__________________
Bi-sexual female

Married to my high school sweat heart (20 year relationship). Talked about Poly, but put the idea off and had a kid instead. Stumbled into an FFM (Vee) that became an FMF (Vee).

No longer dateing my husbands Girlfriend.

Airyn: My husband (Straight)
Chipmunk: My x-GF, My husbands GF (Straight)
Wolf: my Daughter with Airyn
Boots: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
History: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
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  #152  
Old 02-13-2013, 05:08 PM
Numina Numina is offline
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Default Anger, and seeing yourself in your kids

I've had issues with anger since I was a child. I see this poping up here and there with my kid. However since I have struggled to stay in control I talk with her about her anger and what she could have done differently. I have had to show her how she has damaged her relationships with others due to her anger, and losing control. We talk about it every time she gets set off. Usually after she has cooled down.

I have been informed that I do not come across as a hot head when I write. Well I leave a lot out. A 3 hour conversation that started with me going off on Airyn gets condensed to just the meat of it, or the parts that mattered most to me, and the angry ridiculous gets left out. I'm human. *Shrug* I have scars on my fists from the objects I've attempted to punch my hands through. I have scars on my feet from cutting them when kicking at things. I have mellowed, and have more control. I have been known to have a complete black out when my anger flared as a teen. I was in a fight in school, and didn't know what had happened until another student informed me that I had thrown the girl who attacked me across the hallway. She was a foot taller then me. Luckily she's wasn't actually injured, just her pride, and dignity. I was the new girl and she "thought" she was "protecting" her territory. Even at that point I was working to keep these things under wraps. I stood up after being knocked down and told her and her friends to back off (in my very verbally agressive nature). She didn't take this ahh suggestion and grabbed my hair and slammed my head into the lockers behind me. I found this out later as well, but might have figured it out any ways as I came too with a smashing headache.

After that incident I have been much more vigilant about keeping my anger in check. And yes Airyn will tell me to be calm, to take a deep breath, to clear my head. He has asked me to think first many times. He has asked me if my anger right now is worth the price later. He knows. He was there. He has also helped me identify where some of my agression comes from. We believe that it began so early due to the way my mom and dad got divorced. What was happening in my life at that time. How she married my dad's close friend, and that man was not good for me or my family. That the problems between me and the step-dad, and the problems these caused between me and my mom are a large part of where this started for me.

Is this an excuse? No, it is a place to begin the healing process. To get over the past, and live in the present, and have a future. However anger is an issue for Wolf as well, so some part of it was there to begin with, and the events in my childhood only triggered this to get worse. Wolf has me to learn from, to talk to. We work it out, when we can. I tell her how different she is, how different her childhood is from mine, her dads, and from the kids she meets at school. That this difference makes her unique and special. I have told her that being different, is way better then being normal. Everyone else is normal and that is sooo boring. She's even gotten a few students to agree with her when she has expressed this in her own way.

Her story. She was sitting at lunch with several friends, guys and girls. One girl asked Wolf would she rather be weird, crazy, or normal (lol these are kids). Her answer was quick. I am weird because I am me. Who wants to be like every one else. A fellow on the other side looked at her, and was obviously thinking about that. He nodded, and tells these girls, I want to be weird to, no normal for me. Then things get more kidish and giggles get started.

This is real. This is me. Things are better now then when I was a child, or a teen. Having a kid helped, just growing up has helped. I have control issues. I want to be in control of me at all times. This desire has also kept me away from alcohol till just the past couple years. Sadly I'm struggling to maintain control again, but I'm working on it. I remember all the things I have done to get control, and will use what I learned.
__________________
Bi-sexual female

Married to my high school sweat heart (20 year relationship). Talked about Poly, but put the idea off and had a kid instead. Stumbled into an FFM (Vee) that became an FMF (Vee).

No longer dateing my husbands Girlfriend.

Airyn: My husband (Straight)
Chipmunk: My x-GF, My husbands GF (Straight)
Wolf: my Daughter with Airyn
Boots: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
History: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
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  #153  
Old 02-13-2013, 07:58 PM
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StudentofLife StudentofLife is offline
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Learning the high price tag that goes along with out of control anger is so important. It's great that you can be there for your daughter, to support her while she manages this crucial life lesson. :-)
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  #154  
Old 05-13-2013, 12:52 PM
Numina Numina is offline
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Default It's been a while

Itís been a long while since I last posted, a lot has happened in the past few months.
I still read the blogs, but have not been posting anything.

Chipmunk is moved out, Airyn sees her once or twice a week for a few hours a week. Airyn and I are reconnecting, working things out between us. Even though he is currently "seeing" her they are not as serious as before. No sex, no talking about getting married, him moving in with her, and that sort of thing.

There's a big long story behind where things stand now, but I'm not feeling like getting into all that.

It's time to move on, move forward, let go of the past. Learn from the hurt so to speak. It's not been easy to get where things stand right now, and moving forward from here will be difficult. There is less fighting, and arguing at home. Wolf is less stressed, and is enjoying her new room.

We are planing to paint it in colors (mostly) of her choosing. I'll be making her some spiffy curtains (once we get the paint on the walls). After a bit of work I'll have a hobby room, and a table to sew at. I haven't had a space/place for my hobbies in well longer then I care to admit. My hobby things will soon no longer be hiding in totes, and closets, and storage spaces.

More when I have time.
__________________
Bi-sexual female

Married to my high school sweat heart (20 year relationship). Talked about Poly, but put the idea off and had a kid instead. Stumbled into an FFM (Vee) that became an FMF (Vee).

No longer dateing my husbands Girlfriend.

Airyn: My husband (Straight)
Chipmunk: My x-GF, My husbands GF (Straight)
Wolf: my Daughter with Airyn
Boots: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
History: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
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  #155  
Old 05-13-2013, 02:42 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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I was actually thinking about you the other day and wondered how you were doing.
I'm glad to hear things seem calmer. Wishing you all the best in moving forward and learning from all your experiences.
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  #156  
Old 05-13-2013, 07:46 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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I've been wondering about you too. I'm glad you will be having some space for your hobbies to be done, I know for me, that's what I prefer spending my time doing when my husband's on dates, its a great way to pass the time in a positive way. I hope things keep getting better between you and Airyn. *hug*
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  #157  
Old 05-13-2013, 09:23 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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I also am glad to hear from you. And glad to hear that you are moving forward. Room for hobbies is a lovely thing, isn't it?
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  #158  
Old 05-13-2013, 09:36 PM
Livingmybestlife Livingmybestlife is offline
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Glad things are on a positive path. Thought about you lots.
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  #159  
Old 05-13-2013, 10:24 PM
Numina Numina is offline
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Default Good to hear.

It's good to hear from you guys.

Airyn and I are not yet in the clear, but several things (important things) are getting better, or at least back on track. There's still a lot to work out.

While I have asked Airyn, and want very much to move forward, I still often find myself mired in the (recent) past. Airyn and I have talked about this here and there.

I'm still working on communication, and setting boundary's. Learning who I am now, today, and knowing what I want, how I feel, and if what I feel is valid (or appropriate) to the situation I am in.

So expect to see plenty of "oh things are good" followed by "This doesn't feel right"

I don't see Airyn's relationship with Chipmunk as healthy, I don't see Chipmunk as capable of having healthy relationships (at least not right now). I've told Airyn on several occasions that his relationship with her is toxic. Sigh. Things are different, Airyn didn't like hearing that from me, but couldn't argue about the obvious differences we are ironing out within our lives.

Hobby space:
In talks about Airyn wanting space of his own, a room that he can say is his, with his things, his art and such I learned something about myself.

That I want that as much as he does. Maybe it's resentment, but I also realized that His major hobby has always been visible, but mine has often been in storage. The times when I have made it a priority I still didn't have the "space" to be comfortable while working.

I asked Airyn when he and I were talking about the hobby space we are creating for me, when the last time was that I had a place to set up my sewing machines, and sew in comfort. Not cramped, sitting on the floor (which can be done if you are determined enough) or standing. He couldn't remember any more then I could. We talked about it extensively after that. I got very emotional, and I learned just how unhappy I have been with this, with out understanding that I was upset.

So the next day we went out and found a table to get my room started. Now I just need a way to get it here, it won't fit in my car. Probably end up renting something later this week, if My friend can't help out.
__________________
Bi-sexual female

Married to my high school sweat heart (20 year relationship). Talked about Poly, but put the idea off and had a kid instead. Stumbled into an FFM (Vee) that became an FMF (Vee).

No longer dateing my husbands Girlfriend.

Airyn: My husband (Straight)
Chipmunk: My x-GF, My husbands GF (Straight)
Wolf: my Daughter with Airyn
Boots: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
History: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
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  #160  
Old 05-15-2013, 06:26 AM
Numina Numina is offline
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Posts: 139
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So where do we stand right now?

Airyn is dating Chipmunk, on a much more limited basis than before. Thereís an odd mix of knowledge, and lack of knowledge as to where their relationship stands. I want to know, but since his (continued) relationship with Chipmunk upsets me he doesnít want to talk about it. There are some rules or temporary guidelines. I believe all our rules are considered changeable, some more so than others, but all have an expectation (from both of us) of being relaxed (or set aside completely) at some point.

Airyn has decided that he is ok with me dating guys, and girls. Not just girls, and not just a NSBF. This has yet to be tested outside of talking about it, so Iím not certain. But then Iím not certain about a lot of things still.

Airyn and I have also talked about him dating other women, and the possibility of dating the same person in the future. Mostly just talking about expectation, rules/boundaries. Timelines, maturity, things to avoid.


Things just between he and I?

Well thatís been hit and miss. Very rocky and uncertain for a while. We are more solidly decided to work things out between us, and have had some very good times together. Unfortunately Iím still very much hurt, I still react poorly to seeing Chipmunk (have seen her very, very little since she moved out). Anxiety, stress, anger, you name it. Increased heart rate, headache, light headed (with black spots in my vision) to the point of almost blacking out (fainting), and an inability to think clearly. The jealousy issue that (I now realize started popping up around the year end holidays) are still with me. So yeah thereís still a lot of hurt here thatís not so easy to work with or around. Or even to talk about sometimes.


How does one work to find a happy place with someone, when they continue to be involved in a relationship that has so negatively impacted our lives? I want to move forward, work things out with Airyn. Make peace with the past (almost) year, but find myself often mired in that past, still hurt, and emotional, even after having a good day, or week, or weekend. I would like for Airyn to understand this better, where Iím coming from so we could talk about it without getting defensive, and angry with each other. And of course I would like for this thing with Chipmunk to be over. They have broken up (and gotten back together) about 5 or 6 times now. The last time was major, and was a ďnever going to see, or speak to her againĒ kind of ending. That lasted a very short time all things considered, and his wanting/and deciding to see her again has been hurtful and upsetting for me on several levels. More on that later maybe. I have other things to share, and things Iím musing, mulling over in my head.
__________________
Bi-sexual female

Married to my high school sweat heart (20 year relationship). Talked about Poly, but put the idea off and had a kid instead. Stumbled into an FFM (Vee) that became an FMF (Vee).

No longer dateing my husbands Girlfriend.

Airyn: My husband (Straight)
Chipmunk: My x-GF, My husbands GF (Straight)
Wolf: my Daughter with Airyn
Boots: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
History: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
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