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  #141  
Old 02-11-2013, 04:48 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Hey, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry there was so much negativity coming at you so quickly for a minute there. Your blog should be a safe space, and, although I felt my comment was important, it might've been better to PM you with it so as not to add to the heap. Here's hoping for the best resolution for all involved.
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  #142  
Old 02-12-2013, 02:33 PM
Numina Numina is offline
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Default Consider this.

A married Couple, and a bisexual women, They met as friends, like each other, and want to hang out more. So they continue meting as friends. Then one day the wife drinks enough alcohol to be brave, and she reaches out in a flirty way to the bi-friend. Hugging, kissing, and and generally being obviously flirty. This flirtyness, and the easy acceptance on both sides started a conversation between the wife, and the husband. And a separate conversation between the wife, and bi-friend. There was talk of meeting up as dating, and A question about the possibility of date as a group of three. The wife seems skeptical, but is willing to give it a try. Date nights get set up. And about once or twice a month all three meet up for dating. Sometime out at an event or a restaurant sometime for a dinner/movie evening at the married couples house.

After a 3 or 4 months of this type of dating, the wife decides she wants to push things to the next level. There has been no talk about safe sex practices, because that has not been on the table so far, and the wife still has some reservation, but still wants to move things forward. So the next visit from the girlfriend happens to be unplanned, but the wife's decision is made. She makes her move, sets up a senario that gets her what she wants. Her naked, and the husband, and girlfriend paying her special attention. Things are still not going very far, and the wife wants more. So she tells the Husband, and girlfriend that she wants more. They both join her in being naked, and things finally make it to the next place (after a very quick discussion about birth control). Now there are no longer just all dating, now they are all lovers.

Things continue in this way for another month or so, but with more frequent visits from the girlfriend. Then suddenly something happens that pushes everyone to be ready to move the girlfriend into the Married couples home. The girlfriend moves in, the wife still expresses some reservations, but also continues to say that she's willing to give poly a try. By the end of the first month the wife is no longer interested in a sexual relationship with the girlfriend, but the girlfriend is still interested. The husband stick by the wife, and has been given the impression that the wife is ok with sharing, so he attempts to continue a sexual intimate relationship with the girlfriend. The wife stops talking to the girlfriend as if she considers her a friend. When the girlfriend invites the wife out for shopping the wife choose to stay home with the husband. Eventually the girlfriend figures it out, and realize the wife isn't bi, isn't interested in her, and feel guilty for having attempted to continue a physical relationship with the wife when the wife did not want that.

The girlfriend attempts to offer the wife other type of intimate relationships so that both the wife and the girlfriend can continue to love the husband. First it's a suggestion to get the wife to talk about sexual things that she would like to share doing with the husband, but before the girlfriend can explain the wife cuts her off, and makes it very clear that this suggestion is not going any where. So the girlfriend trys to just be the wifes friend, but most of her friendly overtures are brushed aside. The girlfriend asks the wife to talk to her, to find a way that they can communicate. The wife agrees to try, but doesn't follow through before the girlfriend loose patients. So the girlfriend calls of the relationship which had not been physical in over a month with the wife.

Now the relationship between the Husband and Girlfriend is struggling, but the relationship between the wife and husband has turned weird. The girlfriend see it as dysfunctional, and unhealthy, but can't put her finger on why. The girlfriend trys to continue to have a relationship with the husband, and is given a lot of silent treatment from the wife. The girlfriend hears how the wife isn't comfortable talking to her, and that the wife doesn't like seeing her with the husband. But the girlfriend has invested a lot into having a relationship with the husband, so she keeps attempting to date him, but he is more and more distracted with the wife. He is spending more and more time coddling the wife, despite hearing from the girlfriend how this should not be happening.

What is your reaction to the above store. What should the wife do?
What should the husband do?
What should the girlfriend do?
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Bi-sexual female

Married to my high school sweat heart (20 year relationship). Talked about Poly, but put the idea off and had a kid instead. Stumbled into an FFM (Vee) that became an FMF (Vee).

No longer dateing my husbands Girlfriend.

Airyn: My husband (Straight)
Chipmunk: My x-GF, My husbands GF (Straight)
Wolf: my Daughter with Airyn
Boots: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
History: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
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  #143  
Old 02-12-2013, 02:38 PM
Numina Numina is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
Hey, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry there was so much negativity coming at you so quickly for a minute there. Your blog should be a safe space, and, although I felt my comment was important, it might've been better to PM you with it so as not to add to the heap. Here's hoping for the best resolution for all involved.
Annabel I am going to ask Chipmunk to read your story. I haven't read all of it, but she may find it an eye opener. I would like Airyn to read your story and red peppers.

I have tried several times to get Airyn to read one of GalaGirls blogs. I'm going to be my verbally agressive self the next few days and make it clear they don't get to argue. They will take time out to learn something. Grrrr....

*deep breath* If I'm not calm now it will only be worse later. I promise not to be violent, I will not get violent. I will be calm. I will remember to breath.
__________________
Bi-sexual female

Married to my high school sweat heart (20 year relationship). Talked about Poly, but put the idea off and had a kid instead. Stumbled into an FFM (Vee) that became an FMF (Vee).

No longer dateing my husbands Girlfriend.

Airyn: My husband (Straight)
Chipmunk: My x-GF, My husbands GF (Straight)
Wolf: my Daughter with Airyn
Boots: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
History: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
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  #144  
Old 02-12-2013, 02:47 PM
Numina Numina is offline
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Default Part 2 of Consider this.

In my consider this story look at the whole thing from a different perspective.

Replace "wife" with Chipmunk; "the girlfriend" with Numina, and "husband" with Airyn.
I have been in the place of the girlfriend in this store for many many month. Instead of someone being kind enough to point this out to me, I have had many people pointing at this, and that as being my fault, me manipulating things to my way, what I want. EVERY ONE MANIPULATES the world and people arround them. You do it, I do it, Airyn does, it Chipmunk does it, Wolf does it. So does my MiL. That is normal. If we didn't try to get things to line up the way we want then we would not be normal. We all do and say things to get what we want out of life, out of a situation, or out of a person.

What people forget is that I have been willing to talk , to reconsider, to be flexible when and where I can. Sure I may have blown up dozens of times at Airyn, about how things had been going. Sure I didn't explain just how bad my temper is when it flares, but it is there. My temper is what Chipmunk is afraid of. I have never blown up at her, but she can see it, Wolf tells me I am scary in person and prefers me to go to her school versus calling and talking over the phone. She "manipulates" me into doing what she wants. But I am working on redirecting my temper. I'm working at a solution. At reminding Airyn why he and I have been together this long, what it took to be here 20 years later. I'm asking him if he really wants to give all that up for a short infatuation with a young women who is emotional, and mental dependent. A person he sees as being so weak that she can't pick her self up when she falls. I am not like that. I have fallen in this, and I have just laid there for a long time now. But I'm getting back up as I write this.

Things will have to be different now. I don't like the idea that I may take some of their control over the direction of thier relationship away from them. Unfortunately it may come to that.

For one thing I will be making it clear that if Airyn wants to continue to be in a relationship with me, and he wants it to be as a married couple that he will have to act like he is married to me, and not like he is married to Chipmunk. First I have already told Airyn that I no longer consider us a married couple. I removed our wedding ring almost two months ago now. So if he wants us to be a married couple he will have to start fresh. Present me with an engagement ring as if we are getting engaged to be married. A one year engagement along with a one year lease on a new place. Monthly check ups between us, and at the end of the year a discusson between us like what he had last Sunday. Where we decide what our future will be.

Secondly I'll be letting Airyn know that the possibility of him marrying Chipmunk, or getting hand-fasted to her is out of the question. In a couple years if their relationship is still there, and they have turned it into something healthy then maybe. He and I will also be talking about that account he and Chipmunk have co-signed. They will close it, and if Airyn wants an account in his own name he can go get one in a bank separate from either of us. They will also not be adding Airyn's name to Chipmunk's lease in any way. It's smakes to much of him moving in with Chipmunk, of her playing house. Chipmunk has been seeing Airyn as her future husband, and that should be remedied. If not then they can move out together, and I'll move to the next city over.

Having my MiL hear, and being able to explain to her how I had been feeling, has helped me get past some of what has been holding me down. She is the only person I know who understand just how traumatic what I was feeling actually was/is. She is probably also the only person who could have told me what I needed to hear, and have me actually get the message. So that I could start getting past one of the bigger hurts I was dealt in all this.
__________________
Bi-sexual female

Married to my high school sweat heart (20 year relationship). Talked about Poly, but put the idea off and had a kid instead. Stumbled into an FFM (Vee) that became an FMF (Vee).

No longer dateing my husbands Girlfriend.

Airyn: My husband (Straight)
Chipmunk: My x-GF, My husbands GF (Straight)
Wolf: my Daughter with Airyn
Boots: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
History: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
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  #145  
Old 02-12-2013, 07:35 PM
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StudentofLife StudentofLife is offline
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Hi Numina,

I have been reading your blog. I am so new to this that I don't have any practical advice but I just wanted to say that I feel for you. Your life has been so difficult since this all started, and as I read along, all I could think of was how hard you tried for so little return. I hope that whatever you decide to do next improves your life, because girl, you are overdue for some happy. I truly wish you the best.
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  #146  
Old 02-12-2013, 07:41 PM
ManofDiscovery ManofDiscovery is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by StudentofLife View Post
Hi Numina,

I have been reading your blog. I am so new to this that I don't have any practical advice but I just wanted to say that I feel for you. Your life has been so difficult since this all started, and as I read along, all I could think of was how hard you tried for so little return. I hope that whatever you decide to do next improves your life, because girl, you are overdue for some happy. I truly wish you the best.
Hear hear. Or is it here here. Never quite been sure on that one.
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  #147  
Old 02-12-2013, 10:05 PM
Numina Numina is offline
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PM's sent.

For now.
__________________
Bi-sexual female

Married to my high school sweat heart (20 year relationship). Talked about Poly, but put the idea off and had a kid instead. Stumbled into an FFM (Vee) that became an FMF (Vee).

No longer dateing my husbands Girlfriend.

Airyn: My husband (Straight)
Chipmunk: My x-GF, My husbands GF (Straight)
Wolf: my Daughter with Airyn
Boots: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
History: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
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  #148  
Old 02-12-2013, 11:55 PM
Numina Numina is offline
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Default Scatter brained; stress; anxiety

So I spent my morning rather industriously. I was putting together my thoughts on things I want to discuss with Chipmunk and Airyn. Some of it was meant to be talked about with just Airyn, some with both of them together. The way I typically do this is i will write out what ever comes to mind. Then the next day or so I'll re read it and edit out the snide, or aggressive, and leave it a more calm piece. Then another day or so later I'll come back again, and re read it to do the same thing. By the time I'm done, I'm no longer angry or triggered by anything in what I'm writing, and I'm ready to talk about what ever it is.

I was also working on re-upholstering a piano bench. So Good time to do my thinking, and I left my writing open on my PC. Well when Airyn and Chipmunk got up I left to change clothes, and didn't realize that my writing page was open, versus say my email, or facebook, or knitting articles.

When I go back into the kitchen and sit down to put my shoes on Chipmunk heads to the bedroom, and I tell Airyn I have some things I'd like to talk to the two of them about. He tells me he knows he saw it on my PC, and so did Chipmunk. Well that was a stress-or. What I had written wasn't for them to read, or even what I would have actually said, it was my thoughts on several topics that have been bothering me, and on topic that need to change or be clarified giving the recent turn of events.

So I asked if they read the whole thing. No, but enough was the answer. I start off mostly calm trying to keep a civil tone, and not make things worse, but Airyn is being very angry, frustrated with me, and things degenerate. After several minutes of stupid angry on both sides we both stop. Airyn asked me what changed from last night to today. What triggered this. He tells me yesterday he was optimistic, but now he's being reamed, and isn't feeling I'm as serious as I was yesterday.

I don't answer for a long while and he asks again. So I tell him I'm thinking. I am trying to clear my head of the angry, stress, anxiety and give a real answer. As usual it is not a simple answer. But I put what I can together and we talk. My anxiety rises and I tell him that I feel anxious, and stressed. He asks me If I want to get a hug, and I get up and go to him for some hugs. WE work it out, Airyn's frustration disappears, but I'm still anxious stressed, and ready to just leave and walk till I'm better.

Airyn tell's me they are getting ready to leave and that i should stay home, and not go walking in the rain. That I don't have to go, or if i really just want to get out to let him drop me off at my stated destination. He's still holding me, and I'm more calm, but obviously ready to tip right back into it again. i tell him that I'll just take a hot shower, and need to be alone for a while.

Airyn: "Good Idea, I'll talk to Chipmunk and tell her not to be upset about your stuff."
Me: "I already did."
Airyn: "you did?"
Me: "Yeah when I grabbed my bag from the bedroom." Then I tell him what I said, and that she seemed to hear me and not be bothered.
Me: "My only plans for today were to go to one store with you two, and have lunch with my friend. I had no intention of starting an argument, or of upsetting you two. I wasn't even going to talk about any of that today, it's your guys day."

Airyn: "It's ok, relax, it was a mistake I understand. Are we back to yesterday now?"
Me: Nodding
Airyn: "Ok, I'm sorry, and I'm not frustrated any more, can you tell?"
Me: "Yes, I can hear your not frustrated. And I'm sorry too, i should have checked that my stuff was closed before I walked away. Forgive me?"

Skip to me getting in the shower. I find a calmer place and Airyn comes to check on me. I have issue with headaches, sleepy, needing to eat, and taking a hot shower that don't mix well with me. So Airyn tells me I've been in the shower a long while, and asks if I'm better. I tell him that they should go that I still need some alone time, but that I feel less anxious. Ok, but get out soon, don't make yourself sick in there ok?

Later Airyn tells me he told Chipmunk that that was like reading my diary, it wasn't something I would have left out on purpose, and that what they saw wasn't meant to be read, and would not have been said in the same fashion it was written. She apparently handled it well.

They left for a coffee shop, and Airyn started messaging me for Move out cost estimates for Chipmunk. They were building a spreadsheet. This turned into a long-distance round table discussion between the three of us. Chipmunk actually took the initiative and sent me a message. We then spent an hour or two discussing what "things" she would need and where to get them at a reasonable price.

When they got home, she was still feeling chatty, and commented that it was some how easier to talk in Chat. I nodded, and told her that sometimes it is easier for me to talk to Airyn in chat too. This I have said before. They head back out to get Wolf, and when they get back She's still up for chatting. And not just boring mundane, but serious business stuff. Moving out, things she needs, would like, ect. Speaking her mind freely and not a silent brick wall. Has she found her voice? Is she going to show me her colors? What she's made of, who she really is? Is there someone in there I can actually relate to?

If nothing else she's did not treat me like i terrify her for once, and that feels good.
__________________
Bi-sexual female

Married to my high school sweat heart (20 year relationship). Talked about Poly, but put the idea off and had a kid instead. Stumbled into an FFM (Vee) that became an FMF (Vee).

No longer dateing my husbands Girlfriend.

Airyn: My husband (Straight)
Chipmunk: My x-GF, My husbands GF (Straight)
Wolf: my Daughter with Airyn
Boots: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
History: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
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  #149  
Old 02-13-2013, 08:53 AM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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Sounds to me like maybe you should get upset on 'their' days more often, you'll get more hugs....
Seems to work for him.
(sorry, can't help the snark)
*****
I'm glad that you and she may have found a way to talk!
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Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
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with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
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  #150  
Old 02-13-2013, 12:38 PM
Livingmybestlife Livingmybestlife is offline
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Mi am glAd ur getting clarity and more respect. Did u and she ever speak on monday. Sorry silly new tablet.
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