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  #1  
Old 10-22-2012, 02:45 AM
jackieseuce jackieseuce is offline
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Default How can i be Polyamouress when i have trouble being with out my lover?

well, i've been in a relationship with someone for a year now, and now he's being involved with someone else, and i've encouraged it this whole time, and he would have never gotten involved with this person with out me encouraging it and he didn't even identify as polyamouress until i got in a relationship with him, but now that he's in a relation ship he's spending so much time away do to them being in like the honey moon phase of the relationship and because of our own relationship issues, and its like, physically debilitating me.

today we got in a fight becasue he said since being in a relationship with this girl, lets call her kathy, he doesn't want to be in a relationship where anyone needs anyone at any point, and like, has to be by their side when their upset, and like, doesn't want to feel obligated to anyone, and basically wants to be able to come and go as he pleases, so when he asked if he could hang out with kathy today after spending most of a week and a half with her, and he's supposed to live with me at my parents house, i didn't have the courage to tell him i wanted him to spend time with me, because i felt like with all my life stress i need him right now; i was afraid that if i needed him he would abandon me.

So, when the first thing i did today was have a shower, only to come out to him saying he's going to kathy's, i started crying and then we started fighting and by the time he left because my mom told him to i was sobbing and listening to sad music until pretty much just now when i have a shit ton of math homework and its late.

i think he'd be willing to reconsider his choice of words, he's already said as much that it was a bad choice of words, but that doesn't change that it's probably how he feels, and its also the way kathy feels, so there doesn't seem anything to stop the love of my life finding that just being with kathy most of the time is better then being with me, and i've been living and dating exclusively him for a year and have had lonelyness issues my whole life.

i'm too needy but i can't help but be lonely and want him to be around when he's not.


i hope some one has some words of advice, because i don't want to lose him, and i don't want to sabotage his relationship with kathy, but i don't want to replace my desire for him with someone else, i don't feel this is polyamourey,

they are both introverted, so they can't appreciate that no matter what my boyfriend does he's with someone he loves and who loves him.

everytime he's around, it feels like he can't wait until he's back with kathy, and every time he's gone, it feels like i can't do anything but wait around until he comes back.

Last edited by jackieseuce; 10-22-2012 at 03:03 AM.
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  #2  
Old 10-22-2012, 03:16 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Let me summarize:

I feel needy.
I feel lonely.
My BF is all caught up with the NRE girlfriend and neglecting me, the ORE girlfriend. He lives with me in my parent's home.

Today we had a fight. He says:
  • he wants to be free of having to be there and offer support when a partner is upset
  • He does not want to be obligated to anyone
  • he wants to come and go as he pleases.
  • he's already said as much that it was a bad choice of words, but that doesn't change that it's probably how he feels, and its also the way kathy feels. He prefers to spend most of his time with her.

I am stressed out and need him right now.
I did not tell him I want him to spend time with me.
I was afraid that if I state my needs, he would abandon me and not meet them.
Is he THERE? No. When he is there, is he there? No. He spends his time there with his mind with Kathy. So he's not present with you even when his body is there with you.

And he is meeting your needs right NOW? No, he is not.

He's gone already, hon. When do you LISTEN to what he said? Accept that he is not willing to devote time/energy to your relationship with him.

Quote:
i hope some one has some words of advice, because i don't want to lose him, and i don't want to sabotage his relationship with kathy, but i don't want to replace my desire for him with someone else, i don't feel this is polyamory,
You do not lose him. He is not an object. He is a person. He chooses his behavior. You choose yours.

He is choosing to neglect you, he is choosing to be elsewhere.

You are choosing to not break up with him for neglecting you. You are choosing to ignore that he is gone, and ignore what he is saying to you.

You cannot make him attend to you. Why allow him to live in your home?

It is a Time of Suckage for you, and I am sorry. I know it hurts.

But considering that he's doing nothing for you right now but cause you emotional pain?

It's a life choice of "this sucks -- being neglected by him" and "this sucks -- thinking about dumping him."

Which one sucks the least? Dumping him and getting him out of your house.

Because then you are not being stressed out and neglected any more. You stop expecting him to tend to you and you get him out of your parent's house and do not have to be around him as much.

Then you can open the door to healing, feeling stable again, and open up to your next future happiness.

But you cannot do that if you are holding on to something that isn't a thing any more.

I know that may be Hard to Hear. I am so sorry you are hurting.

GalaGirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 10-22-2012 at 12:54 PM.
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Old 10-22-2012, 04:59 AM
jackieseuce jackieseuce is offline
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what if he can read this thread and realize that he's been neglecting my need to feel considered and consulted? what if he can see that its ok to have obligations to the ones you love?
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  #4  
Old 10-22-2012, 07:41 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jackieseuce View Post
what if he can read this thread and realize that he's been neglecting my need to feel considered and consulted? what if he can see that its ok to have obligations to the ones you love?
I'd suggest a better route is to figure out what you want and to ask for it, don't make it about "need" but about what you want from a relationship (X days a week for dates/hanging out, X hours a date where what is going on with the two of you is the major topic of conversation, whatever you want, that you feel you are lacking now, so you can figure out if you can get what you want/need from a relationship with him, or if you need to seek it elsewhere/end the relationship). Pointing to a thread where you said how you felt is...OK...GG gave you some hard thoughts to have, but having him look at this instead of being brave enough to ask for what you WANT/NEED is probably not a long term solution in life let alone this relationship.

I don't know that you are needy, but you do need to work on your communication skills. Have you read any books about poly? If not I recommend Opening Up

If he won't spend time with you because you have the nerve to "need support or love" then, ditch him. Why would you want to be in a friendship or lovership with somebody who didn't care if you were hurting? On the other hand it is wrong to expect him to read your mind, so its up to you to state what you are feeling.
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Old 10-22-2012, 08:29 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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I'm sorry that you're hurting. *hugs*

Quote:
Originally Posted by jackieseuce View Post
what if he can read this thread and realize that he's been neglecting my need to feel considered and consulted? what if he can see that its ok to have obligations to the ones you love?
Quote:
Originally Posted by jackieseuce View Post
he said he doesn't want to be in a relationship where anyone needs anyone at any point, and like, has to be by their side when their upset, and like, doesn't want to feel obligated to anyone, and basically wants to be able to come and go as he pleases
He may realize he's been neglecting you. He may already know it's okay to have obligations to the ones you love. And he might not give a hoot about either one.

From the tone of your post and reference to "math homework," I gather that you're both quite young. It's possible that at this point in his life, he's feeling tied down by having obligations. I dated the same guy for 18 months while I was 16, and when that was over, I wanted to be free of commitment. When I was young (late teens, early 20's), I would run from anyone who tried to pin me down. At that time, the easiest way to end a relationship with me was to say "I love you." Yep, I broke a few hearts...

He's communicated to you that he does not want commitment or obligation. You deserve to have your needs met, but so does he. You need support & obligation. He needs freedom from obligation. Do those seem compatible?
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  #6  
Old 10-22-2012, 12:50 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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I more or less agree with what folks have said already. In broad strokes, it's paramount that you know what you want out of a relationship and that your relationship meet those desires for the most part. No relationship is going to meet all wants and needs, which is one reason I am polyamorous.

However, your boyfriend is telling you something, something I once came to understand and had to make some hard choices because of it...

Quote:
Originally Posted by jackieseuce View Post
today we got in a fight becasue he said since being in a relationship with this girl, lets call her kathy, he doesn't want to be in a relationship where anyone needs anyone at any point, and like, has to be by their side when their upset, and like, doesn't want to feel obligated to anyone, and basically wants to be able to come and go as he pleases
He's making it pretty clear that he has learned a new way of relating from his new girlfriend. My guess is that Kathy has a different level of need and doesn't have the following issue...

Quote:
Originally Posted by jackieseuce View Post
he's spending so much time away do to them being in like the honey moon phase of the relationship and because of our own relationship issues, and its like, physically debilitating me.
This statement is very serious, to me. This statement is also serious to your boyfriend. Currently he is giving you a heads up that this kind of relating is not working for him.

In the end, GG is right, sounds like this dude is on his way out the door. Which might be for the best because you probably have some emotional things you need to work out.
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  #7  
Old 10-22-2012, 01:04 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
what if he can read this thread and realize that he's been neglecting my need to feel considered and consulted?
Alright. You can choose to show him the thread. You are obligating him to meet your needs in doing so.

He's stated he does not WANT to be obligated to meet your needs. That means stop asking him to. Again - when do you LISTEN?

Quote:
what if he can see that its ok to have obligations to the ones you love?
He might see that for some people it is ok. Still does not mean HE wants to have obligations. Still does not mean he wants to have obligations to YOU.

Hon, I know this is Hard to Hear. But he is telling you clearly and directly -- he wants to not be in romantic relationship with you. Break up with him.

Breaking up sucks, but it isn't the end of the world. A broken heart will keep on beating, and after a time you will heal and feel better.

Each time I broke up I cried my eyes out, but each time? I healed and a new happiness came along. Have you broken up before? Is this the first major break up in your life? How can people help you navigate these feelings? I know it's internal stormy weather right now -- but feelings do blow on through. Ride it out. You can do it. While stormy weather times stink, it's only after a storm that you get rainbows. The storm DOES stop eventually.

You will go through all the stages of grief mourning what is lost. But knowing that? You can monitor your feelings and see where you are at. In time you will travel all of them and then get better. Right now you are at "pain" and maybe starting in at "bargaining" -- or that is how it sounds.

Hang in there!
hugs,
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 10-22-2012 at 01:09 PM.
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