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  #11  
Old 06-23-2010, 07:02 PM
wiredpsyche wiredpsyche is offline
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Yeah, that could very well be it. I like to think I'm the kind of gal someone could want that strongly (how egotisitical that sounds...), but I take such serious offense to being viewed as a possession or worse, a porcelain doll. Sometimes I feel like my past mono partners have forgetten I'm a person and have wants and needs of my own (and may not have the wants and needs they think or even inisist I do!)

As for taking relationships slower, I think that is good advice. I'm pretty quick to know who I like in that way and I probably have gone too fast as a result.

As to the brining over monos, good philosophy, although I suck at the convincing!

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Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
I wonder if they are polycurious. Kind of like the abundance of bi-sexual girls who are actually just curious. People think "ya poly sounds cool, threesomes etc"...and then reality hits, they think they have your love as a singular awesomeness and then decide they are monogamous expecting you to follow



Instinct and experience. Maybe take the relationships slower so you can really sus out the reality of their expectations...Also and I hate to say it...someone in the poly world has to keep getting monogamous people, how else is poly a seemingly growing community?

and really I can't believe I just wrote that, I am a jump head first kind of guy haha...apparently I have been learning something new lately.
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  #12  
Old 06-23-2010, 07:05 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wiredpsyche View Post

I guess what I really need to know, is what specific questions should I be asking to make sure they really mean it when they say they can be poly-compatible?
Speaking as a mono who started off with one set of "acceptable" criteria and then they changed after the depth increased with my poly partner, I can almost say for certain there is no question you can ask to see how they will react once they fall in love with you. You cannot simulate the emotions that will be felt. Honestly it is better if poly dates poly and mono dates mono. Redpepper would agree...it takes a huge amount of stars to align in order for a mono/poly relationship to develop where both partners feel happy and "sustainably" fuilfilled. Short term mono/poly relationships would be a breeze I would think. The mono would probably see the poly as a gap filler between relationships or until something in tune with how they commit to a partner comes along.

Just my perspective though.
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  #13  
Old 06-23-2010, 07:13 PM
wiredpsyche wiredpsyche is offline
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I think you're right here - the only successful mono relationships I've ever had were short term. Usually once it hits about a year I'm struggling with not feeling comfortable being close to my friends (some of whom I've known 3 or 4 times as long as the partner I've had at the time!), tired of being reclusive out of fear of my own nature and feeling extremely unfulfilled socially as a result. I struggle with my innately honest nature in not wanting to "cheat" but at the same time coming to terms with the fact my poly needs are not being met. I saw a term the other day: "serial monogamist", which I feel sums up my history of short term mono relationships. At first I thought the term almost offensive, but now I realize that's exactly what I've been doing.

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Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
Honestly it is better if poly dates poly and mono dates mono. Redpepper would agree...it takes a huge amount of stars to align in order for a mono/poly relationship to develop where both partners feel happy and "sustainably" fuilfilled. Short term mono/poly relationships would be a breeze I would think. The mono would probably see the poly as a gap filler between relationships or until something in tune with how they commit to a partner comes along.

Just my perspective though.
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  #14  
Old 06-24-2010, 01:18 AM
jkelly jkelly is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wiredpsyche View Post
I'm wondering if there's anyone here who is poly in all their relationships and with all poly people and has been that way from the beginning?
Yep, and pretty much since I started dating.

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Originally Posted by wiredpsyche View Post
I've never met any of my exes at a bar or through a dating site, it has always been during the course of a normal activity
Yeah, I've always met people the same way most people do (I think). I've certainly met people at bars, but never through a dating site, and never through any organised public poly- event.
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  #15  
Old 06-24-2010, 01:58 AM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Originally Posted by wiredpsyche View Post
LOL! I've been thinking of rejoining the SCA in hopes of finding more poly people...
You'll find lots of cheaters and relatively few poly folk, if your area is anything like this one.

Many more openly poly folk among the local Pagans and Burners.
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While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
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  #16  
Old 06-24-2010, 02:02 AM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wiredpsyche View Post
I guess that's what my problem is - I'm finding the type of person who is telling me that they could be poly or at least poly-compatible and then turning around as things get truly serious and rescinding that. I feel it is really unfair to me for them to change their minds and I don't know how to cope with it since all times that the mono-only thing has been declared by a partner of mine, I'm already in a relationship with them and have been for some time. It kills me to just break it off when they announce they can't be poly-compatible, especially since often by that time I've gotten quite attached.
This I don't understand, I guess. Anybody who lies to me about something like that is gone quickly. Homey don't play them games.

Quote:
I guess what I really need to know, is what specific questions should I be asking to make sure they really mean it when they say they can be poly-compatible? Outside of determining if they've had experience being poly before, how can I tell if someone is seriously interested in being poly or poly-compatible?
I'm not certain there are any magic questions. I've found it best to always approach every relationship with the thought in mind that the person could be leave on any given day. If I'm not prepared to accept that as an outcome, then I'm not ready for a relationship. I'm as prepared for a two-week fling as I am a thirty-year romance.
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When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
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  #17  
Old 06-24-2010, 02:05 AM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jkelly View Post
Yeah, I've always met people the same way most people do (I think). I've certainly met people at bars, but never through a dating site, and never through any organised public poly- event.
These days, meeting somebody online is mainstream. I met my current wife online. I met my previous wife online. I've never met a long-term partner of any sort at a bar.
__________________
When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
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  #18  
Old 06-24-2010, 02:30 AM
jkelly jkelly is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AutumnalTone View Post
These days, meeting somebody online is mainstream. I met my current wife online. I met my previous wife online. I've never met a long-term partner of any sort at a bar.
Oh sure, I'm aware that it's pretty common to meet people online these days, and I have, in fact, met someone through an email list.

I tended bar for a couple of years, so it'd be kind of weird if I hadn't managed to meet anyone that way.

The gist of what I was getting at, but didn't manage to express, is that I don't actually seek out places where I am more likely to find "poly-compatible" people. That said, it's probably a good idea to do so if one is looking!
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  #19  
Old 06-24-2010, 06:47 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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I agree with the "take it slow" advice.

If possible, dip their feet in the water by dating someone else while you're still "just dating" them, before it becomes a serious relationship and you get too attached. That would give you the chance to see how they actually deal with it when it's more than theoretical.
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  #20  
Old 06-24-2010, 12:12 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Quote:
I guess what I really need to know, is what specific questions should I be asking to make sure they really mean it when they say they can be poly-compatible? Outside of determining if they've had experience being poly before, how can I tell if someone is seriously interested in being poly or poly-compatible?
A lot of people go into relationships thinking they can "change" the other person. This happens quite a bit when it comes to having children - one partner wants them and the other partner doesn't, and each thinks the other will eventually change their mind.

One thing you can do is not to ask questions, but simply TELL the other person that this is the way you are and you do not see yourself changing. Do this at the beginning and have a conversation about it every now and then when you're both in a good mood. Keep up the conversations about poly and ask how the other partner feels about it at whatever stage of the relationship you are in... ask if they have met anyone else they find interesting, etc. Make this a regular thing so it's not like a heavy, "let's sit down and discuss our relationship" type of thing. And make sure you do this all the time, not ONLY when there is a problem or when one of you has met someone else.

I think the key to good communication is to communicate pro-actively and not to wait until there is a crisis. Get yourself used to communicating effectively when there is not an issue to resolve. Check in with each other and find out what's going on in each others' minds and lives.

Having said all that, you can only control what you do, not what others do. If you are with a partner who is delusional, they will tell you what you want to hear and still do whatever is on their agenda.
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