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Old 06-22-2010, 11:58 PM
Noname Noname is offline
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Default Another new person.

It is kinda nice that this forum has a section for new people. I know it gets old answering similar questions over and over so thanks for you time in reading and answering this. I will keep it semi brief as I know how hard it can be to read though a book on forums. I will give more details if they are needed or wanted.

I came to this site after stumbling on a Poly FAQ. Like many I think I had the wrong idea about what Poly was. Reading though the FAQ I saw several statements in there where a light came on and I said "that sounds like me" so I am here to find out more.

I am a 35 YOM and have a pretty extensive dating history. I have been in love with 2 girls in that time and both broke my heart. My last relationship, we will call her C, lasted about 5 years but I always felt like something was missing so I never felt like I loved her. I really like(d) C but I kept searching for more which lead me to cheating looking for "something". The cheating was not really a sex thing as me and the ex had amazing sex, hands down the best. One of the girls I fell in love with happened while I was with C. It was short lived and ended badly for me. C found out about this other girl and my other activities and she did not leave.

Since I was still in search mode for what was missing shortly after this other girl dumped me I was introduced to another girl B. Me and B met and I was very impressed and she had my attention. Things went well for a couple months but then I started thinking about C a lot so me and C talked. I explained to B what was going on and she backed out and me an C went to some couples counseling to try and figure out what was missing. Things were ok for a a few months but still not resolved. I really like(d) C and wanted things to work but I think most of the problems was life style. So back to B I went for about 2 months. Then it was back to C for a couple months. I went from C - B - C - B - C - and finally back to B in about a 1 year period. I have been with B as couple vs dating since Sept 09.

Things with B are great and she is amazing. I love this girl but I had a hard time giving up C. I am having some serious thoughts about C again. There are many things I miss about her that I want back, so while I could never tell C that I loved her I am pretty sure that I do. If I didnt love her why do I keep wanting to go back to her? This is not just about sex either. I am not looking to end up in a "open relationship" to go get with other girls, that is not what I want. It seems like I always have a girl or two that would have causal relationship with me anytime I want. I have one cute, young, great girl that is after me now but I have NO desire for her or anyone other then B or C.

The one big thing that I read in the Poly FAQ that hit me was how it was about relationships and love vs sex. How we are able to love more then one person at one time. I remember C saying while we were in counseling that she "never felt unloved or unwanted" even while I was cheating. I am sure that is cause I did/do want her. I do remember too that there were many times that I was seeing other girls that I felt like things between me and C were better, but not sure how to describe it.

So I came here to find out if that sounds like a Poly situation? I have seen that there are many versions and descriptions of Poly since reading more. If this is a Poly situation where does one go from here? I will post more info about the girls in another thread, or later in this one if it gets to that point.

Thank you

Last edited by Noname; 06-23-2010 at 12:02 AM.
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Old 06-23-2010, 01:39 AM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Originally Posted by Noname View Post
So I came here to find out if that sounds like a Poly situation? I have seen that there are many versions and descriptions of Poly since reading more. If this is a Poly situation where does one go from here? I will post more info about the girls in another thread, or later in this one if it gets to that point.

Thank you
Sounds like step one is to talk to both of them to figure out if this is even an option. Until you know what they are willing to do, B&C might not be into a poly shared relationship

The only thing that red flags for me, is actually the girls. Why, when you are essentially, at this point a serial monogamist, do they keep allowing you to come and go. Its just a thought.
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Old 06-23-2010, 02:06 AM
Noname Noname is offline
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Sounds like step one is to talk to both of them to figure out if this is even an option. Until you know what they are willing to do, B&C might not be into a poly shared relationship
I understand that I would need to talk to both of them and see where they stand. I am here looking to find out more about Poly, how it works, how to approach it, how make it work for all people involved. This is very new to me and if I am going to approach them I need to understand what I am asking them to do so I can explain it to them.

I would talk to C first as we are not currently together, and I think there is a small chance she might be ok with it if presented right. As for B I really have no clue but it can be felt out when the time is right if C is a go. One of the big things I need to do is get more info on how a relationship like this would work. I know it is all up to what all parties involved decide but I need a an idea to present.

Neither of the girls are bi or even curious as far as I am aware since both have been pretty clear about that. I think they have quite a few difference which is what I like about both of them. At the same time I think they have a lot in common and could be good friends.......

I am reading up as much as I can on this forum and searching but what does a relationship like this look like? Is it one live in, one on the side? Both live in (all 3 of us in the same house)? Have 3 houses and take turns? Something else? Again I know it is up to us to decide but I need some options to present to get the conversation going?

Quote:
The only thing that red flags for me, is actually the girls.
I assume you mean if they are up for a Poly, is that correct?

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Why, when you are essentially, at this point a serial monogamist, do they keep allowing you to come and go. Its just a thought.
Well I looked up serial monogamist and I dont quit think that fits me after reading several things on it. While I will admit that I have had quite a few of those I have had as many "just dating" of up to 4 girls at one time. With C I actually cheated on her with 5 different women in our 5 year span starting after about the first year.

When you say "why do they keep allowing you to come and go" is that a hint that they might be up to a Poly relationship? That is how I read what you wrote. I was looking up ways to have 2 GF's in real relationships without the lies and that is how I ended up here. I have an idea Poly may work here as they both seem to be in love with me and I love them.

It seems like the 2 of them have everything I need to be happy cause that is what I really want. Of course they would need to be happy too for it to all work out.

Last edited by Noname; 06-23-2010 at 02:08 AM.
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Old 06-23-2010, 05:27 PM
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I was looking up ways to have 2 GF's in real relationships without the lies and that is how I ended up here. I have an idea Poly may work here as they both seem to be in love with me and I love them.
were you an only child?
As someone who has recently transcended this pattern of thought, I will give you some advice.

Lying is not a necessity. I know what you're probably thinking, but i'm serious. Lying is in direct opposite of respect. And a part of having a polyamorous relationship, and a good relationship in general, is respect. You must have enough respect for the person you love, to consider how they would feel if they were there watching your actions, and act accordingly to the feelings they would have. It's hard for some people...probably hard for you. When you're about to perform that sensual or sexual act with the person of your desire, you most likely choose your feelings quickly over the assumed feelings of your other lover. Or maybe you're not even there yet, and you don't even think that them because they are a separate relationship from the one you're about to partake in right? You notate that you were "cheating" so you know that it's bad in general, but you don't seem to think it's wrong. You at least admit it's a bad thing, something in the grey area of your ethics perhaps?

Suggestion 1. Deal with your issues: Train your self control. Learn to show your love by your actions or in this case lack of action. The consideration of your loved ones feelings in not doing something that would harm them mentally is a way to show you really care for them and their well-being.

Suggestion 2. Figure what you want and be honest about it:
Live honestly with it as well! Past having the self-control to not cheat, you have realize that if you want your life to be in a situation where you can be freely have multiple partners, you have to truthful about it. Tell your spouses, "I need to have the freedom to_". If you want to sex wherever, say so. If you want to relationships wherever, say so, but be honest about it! That's where this whole polyamorous thing even comes from. The courage to express how you want to live your life openly and in earnest.

Suggestion 3. Be practical about what you want, and life will be easy:
You have these 2 girls that love you...somehow. Do you want to be with them, or do you want them and even more girls? Is what you want really sex? Once you figure out what you want, you have apply your desires practically to your life. If you want them and freedom to do whatever you want, and they really only want you, then practically it's not really going to work out right? Save them the effort and heartbreak, and find someone to practically fits in line with what you want out of life, or adjust your desire to the real world
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Old 06-24-2010, 02:01 AM
Noname Noname is offline
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Thank you for your reply.

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Originally Posted by rpcrazy View Post

Lying is not a necessity. I know what you're probably thinking, but i'm serious. Lying is in direct opposite of respect. And a part of having a polyamorous relationship, and a good relationship in general, is respect.
I am not sure if I read wrong or not, or you read me wrong. I want to have a serious relationship with both of these girls WITHOUT lie, sneaking, cheating. That is what I learned about poly the other night that is about truth and loving not just multi casual sex with whoever.

I am not a fan of cheating and I know it is not good. It is kind of a gray area for me as I felt something was missing but was not ready to give up on the other.

Quote:
Suggestion 3. Be practical about what you want, and life will be easy:
You have these 2 girls that love you...somehow. Do you want to be with them, or do you want them and even more girls? Is what you want really sex? Once you figure out what you want, you have apply your desires practically to your life. If you want them and freedom to do whatever you want, and they really only want you, then practically it's not really going to work out right? Save them the effort and heartbreak, and find someone to practically fits in line with what you want out of life, or adjust your desire to the real world
Well I really dont think I want more girls. What I wanted was my ex, but our "life" did not work. Even after several tires and saying we would work on the bad but some people are just some ways....... The new B is great and we have a, for lack of a better work, better "life". At the same time I miss a lot of my time with C. There were tons of great things about her and I miss having her in my life. Both mentally and physically. But when I am with C I miss B in the same way. They balance each other in how they are and that is why I like each. It is not just sex I am after, sex is easy to get.

I am not out just to date/sex other girls without it being called cheating. I want these 2 emotionally and physically. At this time I have NO desire for any other girls. This is also not about getting a threesome in bed. I dont think either of them would do that anyhow.

My big problem is how to make this work in the real world. How do you have 2 equal GF's? How do you deal with it day to day living situation? How do you deal with it socially? How do you deal with each persons family?

Last edited by Noname; 06-24-2010 at 03:18 AM.
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Old 06-24-2010, 06:34 AM
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My big problem is how to make this work in the real world. How do you have 2 equal GF's? How do you deal with it day to day living situation? How do you deal with it socially? How do you deal with each persons family?
I have two Significant others. We struggle daily to make it work and to make our own way. There are no guidelines, no societal rules... you have to go into it all knowing this and being willing to stumble and eventually find your way.

Have a read on here though if you haven't already, there are lots of people who achieve having more than one partner, each situation unique, yet similar to the next.
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Old 06-24-2010, 06:37 AM
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Old 06-24-2010, 05:40 PM
Noname Noname is offline
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Thank you for the encouragement. I am reading all I can on here (the only forum I registered on) and any thing else I can on web search. I am researching as much as I can before I find out if this might be right for me and if it is what I really want.

I think I know a guy who is Poly as everyone is always teasing about him, his wife and his GF's. I have always thought it was kind of a joke as we have more then a few people who just "get around". But thinking back to some of the things I have heard I need to talk to him and find out if he is Poly and see if he has any kind of advice. I wont see him for at least 2 weeks though as I am on vacation.

My step right now is researching as much as I can about Poly lifestyle, see if it is what I want. If it is then I need to find a way to approach the 2 girls with and idea or options of how it could work and why they would want to consider it.
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Old 06-25-2010, 06:11 AM
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I am reading all I can on here (the only forum I registered on) and any thing else I can on web search.
*giggle* Don't worry, we won't get jealous if you want to register on more than one forum
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