Cheaters posing as polys... ARG!!!

[jokutus]

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Hey Everyone,

My wife and I have accounts on OKC and you will not believe how many guys message her claiming to be poly but "don't want their wife to know"... I mean, come on!! Why don't they just come out and say, "uhm, I am really trying to cheat on my spouse by faking a polyamorous relationship".

One guy, after asking him questions, stated that he was afraid his wife would divorce him if she found out. So, we asked him how his communication was with his wife. He stated "not so great, we never talk", hence we asked "so how can you be poly?" The guy was dumbfounded! After a few more questions, he admitted he was in a loveless marriage with 2 kids and was just looking for a casual hookup!!! The underlying message - He was attempting to cheat on his wife under the guise of being poly!!! Arg, how frustrating!!

Sorry, but I just had to blow off some steam to people who would understand..

Just, Arg!!!

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[Matilda]

I think there's a lot of mininformation about what polyamory actually is or means (says the woman who has been on the site a whole 3 days).

I believe it can serve as a 'convenient' word to use instead of saying 'married-but-looking' or 'married-but-want-to-bed-other-people'...whereas those people who truly *are* poly can see how ridiculous that is, because the whole basis of the poly-relationship is one established on openess and mutual understanding, trust, and care for the needs and wants of everyone in the relationship. Someone outside of that understanding just sees a handy word and uses it not caring to know what it actually means.

I can understand your frustration though!! Kinda like being sold a box of cookies, opening the box and finding it's empty. Meanwhile, the jerk who sold you it is going "yay! Profit!" and meanwhile his wife is at home trying to figure out where in the hell all her damned cookies went.

[SourGirl]

Yes,..that is a everyday occurance, on any dating site. It becomes almost like a right of passage.

If you are not one to be easily manipulated, or to fall in the sack quickly, then those types dont ever get far.

I take a long time to get to know people, so the dumbasses I can see right through, and the ones smart enough to say all the right lines, tend to get impatient, and move on.

[Ariakas]

I have never had this problem on a dating site ...

[rpcrazy]

is no one amazed at her investigation? hahahah

Kudos to you for actually asking the guy questions and prying information out of him. I kind of wish I was there, it sounds hilarious!

[Ariakas]

Keeping in mind of course the poly people don't have to be great communicators. As Ciel on this site points out...there are some working poly relationships that don't fall in line with what is an "ideal"...but they still work

I didn't notice that actually, but way to drag the info out kicking and screaming. Poly is more gentle to explain that swinging, more gentle than cheating. If you search for poly on okc, everyone seems to be doing it...look up swingers or swinging, it it shocking how few people mention it. One is still taboo while the other is okc acceptable.

I point this out to a good friend often...all the dick headish behaviour by men is learned at some point. It works on someone, which is why they continue. Don't blame the player, blame the game comes to mind here. If women started refusing the sleezy cheaters sex, they would have to change their stripes tactics...but it must work...and if it works whats the motivation to stop?

[AutumnalTone]

One would think that the "don't want the wife to know" stuff would be a major clue that the guy is simply looking to cheat. Sheesh!

When I have an OKC account (pulled the last one off a few months back and haven't put up a new one yet), I direct anybody who seems interested to go chat with my wife. That's an extension of my decision to have anybody I meet in meatspace to go chat with my wife early on.

I do that to avoid any instances where somebody might think my marriage is in trouble and they can pretend to be poly whilst luring me away (the cowgirl scenario). A couple have disappeared without chatting with my wife, which reinforces my notion that it's a good policy for me to have.

[Honestheart]

I can't stand the "i'm poly but my wife/husband doesnt know" thing too! I also hate this one "my partner and i are poly, but he/she doesn't have to know about us being together or that we are fucking ..." argh!!!! unless you and your partner have a don't ask don't tell policy or a do whatever or whomever you like as long as you come home to me kinda policy then welll ummm....why the secret? argh!!!!!

AutumnalTone, i LOVE that idea of having those interested in you speaking with yer significant other! awesum! that IS a great way to both establish "i'm not cheating" and a way to get rid of those pesky cowfolk! I'll have to remember that one! thanks!

[AutumnalTone]

Well, I'm thinking that if "he/she doesn't have to know," then the person saying that isn't actually doing poly--they may have an open relationship, though I'm always suspicious.

[redpepper]

There seems to be an insane amount of educating to do doesn't there? I just had someone come into my life that thought my being poly would mean that we (nerdist and I) could possibly enhance their marriage as they have a good thing going and thought that I would want back into that with her involved instead of just him. I'm pretty sure they thought that my poly was just about enhancing my marriage with other people and that love was not accounted for, it was a gesture of good "friendship." They in fact have an open relationship by the sound of it and thought it was the same thing...

I have run across "poly folk" really not being poly but more "open" before and got hurt when I was told that I had to suck up my emotions because love is just stupid.

It just goes on and on and really I am surprised that anyone gets together at all!