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  #11  
Old 06-25-2010, 03:36 AM
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ccxi...layer_embedded

It's now 4.30 and I still cannot sleep. Matilda is asleep. I try going to bed but I just lie there staring at the ceiling. I look over to her and I'm filled with regret. So now I listen to music.
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  #12  
Old 06-25-2010, 06:01 AM
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I'm sorry that you're going through such a tough time. Self esteem is such a hard thing to work on and it does come from what we were told as children. I think people of our age tend to find that we have to process these things that we've been carrying. I wish I had an answer for you. All that I do know if that if you let go of your hold on someone and trust that they do love you more often than not they will surprise you and be there more fully for you than if you tried to keep a hold of them. (this has been a fairly recent discovery for me). One day at a time, one issue at a time, it's all any of us can do.

-Derby
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  #13  
Old 06-25-2010, 06:11 AM
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Thankyou - I've been bouncing off the walls trying to come up with an explanation for my insane behaviour and it fits. I just hope my realisation isn't too damned late.

M
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Old 06-25-2010, 07:33 AM
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I don't like fear very much, it makes me do stupid things. It sits on my shoulder whispering insidious things in my ear. I'm going to have to tape it's mouth, that or buy some decent earphone and drown it out. One way or another fear has to shut up and take a back seat on this one. I don't need another back seat driver telling me to watch out for the cow in the field on the far side of the road, as if said cow is going to suddenly get it into it's head to jump the ditch and charge my car doing 90 down a motorway.
I waited 9 months for her before, I can bloody well do it again!
*stomps off to make coffee* Man I need a coffee, maybe Matilda would like one too. Now do I make instant or drag out the coffee maker ... decisions decisions.....
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Old 06-25-2010, 07:58 AM
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Counseling gives you the tools you need to cope with the events that have happened in your life, and to manage your life in a healthy way.

By the sounds of it, my husband grew up in an unhealthy household similar to yours. His parents didn't have the psychology degrees, they came by it naturally. He was always told "he was never good enough, didn't do anything right, not worth anything, everything bad was his fault, no wonder his birth parents gave him up", etc. And when that didn't keep him down, they just resorted to throwing him into walls.

Fortunately, when he was in his late 20s, he saw happy people and decided he wanted him some of that. He took a serious look at his life and figured out what he had to do to change.

He says the thing that helped the most was going to college to become an addictions counselor. At the time, he had a problem with alcohol, and realized that he could effectively kill two birds with one stone.

For him, he had to completely submerge himself in healing. His program had residency, and he pretty much lived and breathed counseling for two and a half years. He really took it seriously, and it pretty much saved his life. Until that point, he was still blaming everyone for what happened to him because his parents really had done a number on him.

Now, he's the most amazing person I know. He genuinely cares about the people in his life and does everything he can to give them the lives they deserve. He realizes that he had a difficult past and that it helped shape who he is, but he no longer allows it to control him.

He still has his moments, of course, where he slips into some old tendencies and feels very low self-esteem, blames himself for things that happen that no one could have prevented. But he can usually pull himself out of it, now that he has the tools he learned in counseling.
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  #16  
Old 06-25-2010, 03:26 PM
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A couple of things that I have to remember:

1. For me, the hours from midnight to about 5 AM tend to be darker emotionally. It could be that the diurnal serotonin-and-other-chemistry cycles are naturally at low ebb. But whatever the cause, if I am awake during those hours my thoughts tend toward pessimism and self-doubt. It's a bad time to make life-decisions!

2. Emotional awareness, the ability to feel yourself, seems to me strongly tied to self-esteem. I had numbed myself in order to deal with a meth-addicted son and a dead marriage, and after those situations ended I began to un-numb myself. When I could weep over what had happened then I began to be alive and real again. That was when I began to see myself as a worthwhile person. So don't stop your feelings just because a guy built like a fridge "shouldn't" cry. You need to feel.

*Just my experience. Your mileage may vary.*

On the forum stuff: All we others ever see of you and Matilda is what is written, and words are very, very slippery. (Believe me -- I've sat through a lot of writing and literature classes, and people get WAY different meanings out of what seem like the most straightforward sentences!) So please forgive us if we misunderstand, if we seem unsympathetic to one or the other, or if we go off on irrelevant tangents.

I try not to point fingers and assign blame, but I don't always see things clearly and I don't always know enough to be fair and balanced. For that I apologize.

I'll repeat the advice I wrote on Matilda's thread: If you don't have a therapist then get one ASAP. Today and not tomorrow. The right person will not judge either of you, and will give you both essential practical advice on dealing with the incredible stresses that are driving you to sleeplessness and her to distraction.

--------

Oh, and an afterthought on antidepressant drugs: For me they worked for many years; I no longer need them. When I used them they disconnected some of my creativity, lowered my sexual drive, and dulled my emotional acuity. They probably don't have these effects on all people or even most people, and certainly for biochemical depression they are FAR BETTER than leaving the condition untreated. But make sure any doctor who prescribes them takes your unique response very, very seriously.

Last edited by EugenePoet; 06-25-2010 at 03:35 PM.
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  #17  
Old 06-26-2010, 08:31 AM
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we have agreed to separate with a view to possible reconciliation. As I sit here and type, I am wracked with emotional pain. I think of the way I treated Matilda and I just want to scream. It's like I found a big shiny self destruct button within myself and I just kept pushing the damned thing. Matilda would re-build us and then I'd push the bloody button again. I realise now that my own insecurities and self-loathing made me do these things and I'm gutted. I keep clinging to the 'possible reconciliation.' We've signed up for therapy and my goal right now is to show Matilda how much I love her and to prove it by my actions, day to day. I hope within my soul that we can rebuild a relationship for both of us where we are people very much in love sharing life and raising our children together.

M
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  #18  
Old 06-26-2010, 03:58 PM
EugenePoet EugenePoet is offline
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I'm sorry.

I hope this becomes a constructive way forward.

Nobody here can stand in your place and truly feel what you're feeling, man, but many of us have had our own traumas. So while we do not know, we can sympathize.

Good on you for getting a counselor, or perhaps it will be one for each of you. They're not miracle-workers; to me they're more like a wise friend with a very wide understanding of human experience. A big help.

I hope you and Matilda can give each other plenty of breathing room while still co-parenting and all. The best of luck to both of you!
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  #19  
Old 06-27-2010, 12:31 AM
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Having been through a lot of this myself I think that separating is a really healthy thing to do. When you have been through something as traumatic as you guys you have to find love for yourselves again before you have a hope of finding love for each other. Otherwise all the past hurts and fears are just woven back into the fabric of your future.

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