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Old 04-03-2015, 02:15 AM
kelas kelas is offline
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Default New here! Hoping to get a grip!

Hello everyone!
After almost a year in a fumbling poly relationship with my boyfriend, it just now occurred to me to look for a little support. It might take me a little while to figure out this forum's culture so please forgive me if I make any booboos but I'll do my best!

For a long time, I had issues with cheating in my relationships. I was always in love with everyone in didn't understand why I couldn't just love (in the verb sense) everyone! The idea of polyamory actually being a thing wasn't even in my mind, so I would shift in and out of dozens of relationships, always wondering what was wrong with me that I couldn't just get one single monogamous relationship right. I had one short-lived successful relationship involving a long-term boyfriend and his friend who just sort of drifted into our relationship. We were wonderfully happy together but things ended due to events that weren't anyone's fault.

When I met the man I'm currently with, he mentioned that he desired a sexually open relationship for his own reasons, mostly due to a sexual fetish. At the time, he hadn't gone into it too much so I had no reason to suspect that he was suppressing a number of negative emotions. I thought things were perfect. We were very much in love and he made (and still makes!) me incredibly happy. I most certainly see him as the man I want to spend the rest of my life with, no doubt. I had recently accepted the idea that most people in my life both lover and friend would come and go and that very few people would be permanent. He agreed with this, and seemed to have few issues with the men who came and went from my life.

More recently, he's come out to tell me that he really resented the emotional connections I formed with the other people. He wishes I would just "fuck other random guys" instead. The thought of that makes me squirm. I love to feel close with people, especially those that I make love to. Anything else just feels...strange. I've come to realize that he actually has a really unhealthy relationship with sex and a very skewed idea of polyamory.

So I guess, after that whole rant, I'm just here to try to help us find a balance between what I desire and what he needs. There's a lot more to it that what I've said here, but I'm willing to work through just about anything with this man.

I hope I find my answers here!
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Old 04-03-2015, 04:04 AM
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reflections reflections is offline
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Hello and welcome! I also hope you can find some answers here.

One initial thought that I had is I wonder if he considers himself more polysexual but monoamorous, while you are polyamorous. Perhaps this is contributing to his discomfort of your emotional connections, since that's not important for HIM and it seems like he does not understand why it's important to YOU. Glad to see you're reaching out for some support!

Feel free to create a thread in the poly relationship corner if you'd like some more feedback on your specific situation. I suspect you'd get a great deal of advice there from people who have experienced similar difficulties in their relationships!

Looking forward to seeing how we can support you!
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Me (Chrissy): Late 20's, female, bi/pansexual, poly, married to Roger (together for 14+ years) and dating Jack in a LDR (5+ years)
Roger: Early 30's, male, poly, married to Chrissy and dating Taylor in a LDR (1+ year)
Jack: Late 20's, male, currently mono, dating Chrissy
Taylor: Late 30's, female, currently mono, dating Roger
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Old 04-03-2015, 02:06 PM
kelas kelas is offline
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I will definitely do that, thank you
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Old 04-04-2015, 12:46 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Greetings kelas,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I noticed your other thread and I've replied in it. It seems to me that the man you're with is willing (and able?) to work on his reservations about the emotionally-connected relationships you seek. If you take things in small steps, I think it will work out.

Hopefully we can help you with more advice as things move forward.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
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Old 04-06-2015, 08:12 PM
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Halcyeus Halcyeus is offline
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Quote:
More recently, he's come out to tell me that he really resented the emotional connections I formed with the other people. He wishes I would just "fuck other random guys" instead. The thought of that makes me squirm. I love to feel close with people, especially those that I make love to. Anything else just feels...strange. I've come to realize that he actually has a really unhealthy relationship with sex and a very skewed idea of polyamory.

So I guess, after that whole rant, I'm just here to try to help us find a balance between what I desire and what he needs. There's a lot more to it that what I've said here, but I'm willing to work through just about anything with this man.
Best of luck with this! Poly relationships are such hard work for many reasons. Despite that I sincerely believe they can also be enormously happy, healthy and fulfilling too.

Feel very similarly about sex. I've tried, on occasion, being with people who were predominantly interested in sex without much emotional connection at all. So-called just "fun". Even though I have been 100% okay with that, the reality is I experience strong emotional connection anyway. I just kept that to myself for the most part, that I really liked them and being with them made me blissfully happy

Sorry to read that your partner finds your emotional intimacy with others difficult. Most people will in their own way, unless they are quite unusual. You sound like you are the sort of person who could help him with that, given time.
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