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  #21  
Old 10-20-2012, 06:25 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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I agree, if you love someone you should not want to be party to their living a life they do not want to live. This applies to you as well, why would you want him to live in monogamy if he has made it plain that he has absolutely no interest in living that way.
Point and match. As much as it's wrong for him to force her into a non-monogamous relationship, it's also wrong for her to force him to stay in a monogamous relationship.

I'm sorry begonia, but it really sounds like you and your partner are just not compatible. It super sucks that he waited this long to drop the bomb. If there's a silver lining, it's that next time you'll know to make it clear from the beginning that you're only interested in a monogamous relationship, that that will never change, and that if the other person has any inkling of being other than truly monogamous, then it's not going to work.
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  #22  
Old 10-20-2012, 07:51 AM
snowmelt snowmelt is offline
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Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
I agree, if you love someone you should not want to be party to their living a life they do not want to live. This applies to you as well, why would you want him to live in monogamy if he has made it plain that he has absolutely no interest in living that way..
I agree with Marcus, who wrote this, and SchrodingersCat who also quoted this. You and your partner are not compatible. That's fine. I know you're upset about it, but the good news is you now know you're incompatible.

The best thing you can do for both of you is to end the relationship as it is now. Set him free to be poly, and set yourself free to do what works for you. I applaud you for knowing who you are. That will put you in a much better place in the future (in your own life) than your partner will be in his life.

Your partner has some struggles ahead of him that he doesn't see coming. He wants to experience more women because he is afraid of experiencing less women. That is not a good foundation for a relationship with any woman. He will find women, but there will be a lot of drama because your partner and the women he finds will focus most of their attention on what they can get from each other, and very little on what they can give to each other.

He is literally telling you you are closed minded because you are monogamous. That means he is telling you that you are closed minded because you are different from him. Right now he is in a monogamous relationship with one person - you. You know from your experience with him how well that attitude works.

He will bring the judgement of "you're wrong because you don't see things the way I do" into the more complex environment of multiple relationships. This attitude will bring a lot of drama into his life until he learns to see value in the choices others make that are different from his own. By ending the relationship with him, you will be able to step out of the way of the struggles that he would have otherwise brought into your life.

Last edited by snowmelt; 10-20-2012 at 09:00 AM.
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  #23  
Old 10-20-2012, 08:00 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Sheesh I sure wish you had just interpreted it that way. Another agreement here that it won't work out, and I don't think you owe it to him to give an open relationship another thought, just to straight out say you're not interested and won't be able to date him any more. Very sorry
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  #24  
Old 10-20-2012, 07:29 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
It super sucks that he waited this long to drop the bomb. If there's a silver lining, it's that next time you'll know to make it clear from the beginning that you're only interested in a monogamous relationship, that that will never change, and that if the other person has any inkling of being other than truly monogamous, then it's not going to work.
There is no guarantee that the people we enter into relationships with will remain as they are for any amount of time. We change as we are exposed to new stimuli and hopefully our views of the world become more reasonable and happiness-enriching as we go. There is *always* the chance that someone will decide, several years into a relationship, "holy crap, I don't think this is what I want anymore".

This is just reality and I believe we owe it to our loved ones to resist any urges to control or limit their expression. When someone decides they need to move on... everyone hug, figure out how to split up the CDs, and hopefully be friends for the long hall.

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Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
I don't think you owe it to him to give an open relationship another thought, just to straight out say you're not interested and won't be able to date him any more.
Very true, your worldview is your own, how or if it changes is entirely up to you. That being said, there certainly is no harm in investigating other ideologies (if only to verify that they are, in fact, not for you). Who knows, the exposure to knew ideas might improve future relationships.
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  #25  
Old 10-21-2012, 08:53 PM
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Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
There is no guarantee that the people we enter into relationships with will remain as they are for any amount of time. We change as we are exposed to new stimuli and hopefully our views of the world become more reasonable and happiness-enriching as we go. There is *always* the chance that someone will decide, several years into a relationship, "holy crap, I don't think this is what I want anymore".
I fully agree, but I didn't interpret this situation as him changing part way into the relationship...

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Originally Posted by begonias View Post
When we first started dating he made it clear that he wasn't into promiscuous sex.
Why specify promiscuity if you're not already interested in some kind of non-monogamous sex? It would be a moot point. Thus, it sounds like he's always wanted the option of other women, but he assured her that it wouldn't be promiscuous.

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Originally Posted by begonias View Post
He brings up that its not natural to stay with one person for life
This doesn't sound like something you just come up with one day. If you're saying what's natural and not natural, it sounds (to me) more like a lifelong philosophy.
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  #26  
Old 10-21-2012, 09:01 PM
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Originally Posted by begonias View Post
He says that he wants to spend his life with me and sleeping with someone else would not make him love me any less.
I don't think he sounds polyamorous. He sounds more like a swinger.

I did a quick Ctrl-F "poly" and only respondents have used that term in this discussion. begonia has not stated or implied that he's interested in other romantic relationships, just sex.

For begonia's purposes, the difference doesn't matter. Both are non-monogamy, she wants monogamy.

But the distinction is relevant to our analysis of the situation and his personality. It makes a big difference in terms of what kind of relationships he should seek in the future. Since he's not here, it's a moot point. I just felt the need to point that out, it might be helpful to someone else in the future.
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  #27  
Old 10-21-2012, 10:29 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
Why specify promiscuity if you're not already interested in some kind of non-monogamous sex? It would be a moot point. Thus, it sounds like he's always wanted the option of other women, but he assured her that it wouldn't be promiscuous.
You are probably right about the specifics on this one SC, and I wasn't actually disagreeing with you. I was just adding an addendum to what you said so that people reading this think they can "lock in" someones worldview simply because that's what they agree on in the beginning.
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  #28  
Old 10-21-2012, 11:03 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
You are probably right about the specifics on this one SC, and I wasn't actually disagreeing with you. I was just adding an addendum to what you said so that people reading this think they can "lock in" someones worldview simply because that's what they agree on in the beginning.
Good point. People do change, and it's not the end of the world when people grow apart.
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  #29  
Old 10-22-2012, 12:03 AM
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Not sure if this helps, but I would like to just use some slightly different terminology to illustrate your relationship.

He is completely sure that he wants to have sex with other people than you. This sounds like something that he absolutely needs, it's a show-stopper or a bottom line to him.

You are completely sure that you want both of you to be monogamous and have no outside sexual partners. You have made this clear that this is something that you absolutely need - it's a show-stopper for you.

If I have got that right, then the two of you are fundamentally incompatible to have a relationship. It doesn't matter whether this started out one way and changed, or was like this the whole time.

Respect each others wishes and boundaries - it sounds like both of you are trying to pressure the other into thinking differently, and both of you are adamant in your positions.

My advice - confirm that these really are non-negotiables for both of you. If they *are* negotiable, then find out what it's going to take to truly make this work. If they are not, then agree that you are not compatible and get on with your lives apart.

On the topic of people changing: There is a book that was the key for me when I was trying to sort out my polyness - it's called "Open Marriage" and is by Nena and George O'Neill - while it's not specifically about poly, a lot of what they talk about is relevant. One of them is the concept of personal growth - in a good relationship we should be encouraging each other to grow as people and to continue developing ourselves into what we want to be. This may mean that we grow in different directions and the relationship may end, but it's far better than trying to constrain your partner to never grow out of fear that one day you may lose them. It is for this reason that a lot of marriages are stagnant and on the rocks.

I am a big fan of personal growth, for myself and for my loved ones. I want everyone to be free to be the best possible person they want to be and can be, bringing themselves to their fullest potential. An interdependent relationship can help to nurture that and give everyone a safe place to be able to grow and explore life. The synergies that a relationship like this offers can often allow *more* personal growth than an individual can have.
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  #30  
Old 10-24-2012, 06:40 AM
teebee teebee is offline
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You do not want this. So don't do it. If you have not made your discomfort obvious, tell him that you can only accept monogamy. If he doesn't choose you over everything, it's time to let him go. If you're sure he knows how you feel, and is pushing you anyway, say goodbye. There are good men out there who will treat you better.
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