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  #1  
Old 01-12-2015, 07:54 PM
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A2Poly A2Poly is offline
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Default No, because *I* think *SHE* might be uncomfortable

So Mal and I have a visit planned for next month.

And now I'm looking for "things to do" in my city while he is here. I want him to get to know my city and the things about it I love... which include certain art forms (the gallery, the theatre, the symphony, etc, etc). One of the things to do that weekend is an overlap of two of my favourite artforms and I think "Wow! This is perfect!", and email the link to Mal suggesting we go.

And he says no. Or more exactly, he says he THINKS that Djinn will be jealous if he and I go to this event because one of the art forms is one that she is passionate about.

I feel like he is like saying "You and I can never eat in a sushi restaurant, because Djinn is my partner too and WE eat in sushi restaurants, they are her favourite and I don't want to make her feel uncomfortable by sharing sushi with you too".

Which as soon as I switched it to a restaurant metaphor I realized clear couples privilege. But it isn't even HER saying it. Maybe she'll be fine with it. Maybe not. But for him to prejudge her reaction and then protect against it?

I mean, I'll go to the event anyway - a friend contacted me about it this morning and I'll go with her and her kids and leave him at home if that is what it comes to. But how will she be LESS jealous of that than of him and I going together? I just don't get it.

Insight anyone?
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Me: f(43) never married
Djinn: f(43) my BFF (30yrs), married to Mal (16yrs)
Mal: m(42) my partner, LDR (10m)
Billie: f(21) my daughter
The Kids: Djinn and Mal's children f(12) and m(6)

Last edited by A2Poly; 01-12-2015 at 11:51 PM. Reason: Brevity is the soul of wit.
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  #2  
Old 01-13-2015, 12:00 AM
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Re: insight ... I got nothin'. I feel you though, I'd be exasperated if a partner pulled something like that on me. Surely you've earned a small "share of the privilege" by now? Gads.
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Old 01-13-2015, 12:10 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by A2Poly View Post
he THINKS that Djinn will be jealous if he and I go to this event because one of the art forms is one that she is passionate about.
Just in case this other person *might* feel jealous, he's going to pass on the invitation you've given him.

A partner can accept or turn down an invitation as they see fit based on sound reasoning or total bullshit and that is neither here nor there. However, this is CLEARLY couple privilege which has a direct affect on your life and you are left needing to decide what you want to do about it, if anything.

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Originally Posted by A2Poly View Post
But it isn't even HER saying it. Maybe she'll be fine with it. Maybe not. But for him to prejudge her reaction and then protect against it?
Is this really at the heart of the issue? I personally see this as a distraction. He has made his call based on his other relationship; whether or not his decision is based on reason or some assumption would seem irrelevant. Your relationship is with him (at least the one we are talking about) not with her. He has made a call that impacts your life and I think it would be wise to focus on his decision and not chase around the details.

I don't know your story but this sounds like hierarchical privilege bullshit to me. Are you cool with that? Since it has clearly emotionally impacted you I'm guessing it isn't?
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Old 01-13-2015, 12:48 AM
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So why can't you say to him exactly what you wrote here? You have legitimate questions.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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Old 01-13-2015, 12:59 AM
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Is this really at the heart of the issue? I personally see this as a distraction.
...
I don't know your story but this sounds like hierarchical privilege bullshit to me. Are you cool with that? Since it has clearly emotionally impacted you I'm guessing it isn't?
No it isn't the heart of it, or even a distraction, it was meant more as a dismissal of his 'excuse', because he actually doesn't even know how she would feel. And a statement that the real problem is HIS decision to put her (potential, as yet unknown) reaction ahead of mine.

And nope, I'm not cool with it. In fact the more I think about it the more annoyed I am. And on top of that, I don't think its the kind of poly that Djinn wants to practice. I think it is *entirely* in Mal's head.

And him being twitchy about discussing it with Djinn ... that implies things about their relationship that concern me. (Not in a 'this is my problem' way, but in a 'I wonder what fall out from this I'll have to deal with' way)


Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
So why can't you say to him exactly what you wrote here? You have legitimate questions.
I did I just needed to write it out (a bunch of times) so it was clear, first. It was literally not until I wrote that 'sushi' analogy that I realised it was couples privilege. And as with most privilege he hadn't seen it that way at all, he saw it as being 'considerate of her feelings'... So we have work to do....
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Me: f(43) never married
Djinn: f(43) my BFF (30yrs), married to Mal (16yrs)
Mal: m(42) my partner, LDR (10m)
Billie: f(21) my daughter
The Kids: Djinn and Mal's children f(12) and m(6)
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  #6  
Old 01-13-2015, 01:29 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by A2Poly View Post
And him being twitchy about discussing it with Djinn ... that implies things about their relationship that concern me. (Not in a 'this is my problem' way, but in a 'I wonder what fall out from this I'll have to deal with' way)
Sounds like a reasonable concern to me.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #7  
Old 01-13-2015, 02:42 AM
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Re (from A2Poly):
Quote:
"And as with most privilege he hadn't seen it that way at all, he saw it as being 'considerate of her feelings' ..."
... at the expense of your feelings. Grrrr!

Sounds like you're starting to talk it out with him, so that's a good sign.
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  #8  
Old 01-13-2015, 03:03 AM
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A2Poly A2Poly is offline
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I appreciate the validation everyone. Thanks. we'll have more conversations about this, I'm sure, and we have a visit this weekend, so I imagine it will come up in person too - which will be both easier and harder.
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Me: f(43) never married
Djinn: f(43) my BFF (30yrs), married to Mal (16yrs)
Mal: m(42) my partner, LDR (10m)
Billie: f(21) my daughter
The Kids: Djinn and Mal's children f(12) and m(6)
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  #9  
Old 01-13-2015, 03:15 AM
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Let us know how that goes (if you're willing).
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  #10  
Old 01-14-2015, 02:22 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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He seems to be doing avoidy dance to me. My guesses as to why?
  1. Not wanting to enforce his personal boundaries if she behaves inappropriately at him. Which she hasn't yet though -- he's basically assuming and selling her short.
  2. OR he is using her as excuse (while she's not there to say boo about being used) so he doesn't have to deal with YOUR response if he straight up goes "I don't like that. Not my scene." If he assumes you will behave inappropriately at him -- he sells you short.
  3. OR it *is* couple privilege and HE is choosing to uphold it.
  4. OR it is anxiety witter. Say and do whatever so long as HE is safe from perceived "danger" whether the danger is real or not.

I wonder... how assertive is he? He avoidy in general? That is one style personality I do not deal with well. I prefer assertive and collaborative when it comes to problem solving. I don't like dealing with avoidant.

From this article. Bold is mine.

http://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/newLDR_81.htm

Quote:
Avoiding: People tending towards this style seek to evade the conflict entirely. This style is typified by delegating controversial decisions, accepting default decisions, and not wanting to hurt anyone's feelings. It can be appropriate when victory is impossible, when the controversy is trivial, or when someone else is in a better position to solve the problem. However in many situations this is a weak and ineffective approach to take.
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 01-14-2015 at 03:19 AM.
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