On getting a kick out of couples

I have a thing for happy couples; there's no denying it. I am in no way a couple-hunting would-be-unicorn. I'm well aware that relationships form between individuals, not between a person and a structure ("the couple"), and that angling for any particular configuration to emerge from a given multi-person attraction is folly. But I do get couple-crushes that are as much about the relationship and the unit as they are about the individuals involved, truth be told.

I love seeing the different ways that people build successful interpersonal dynamics. I love observing the cocoon, the pocket universe that dyads create within themselves.

And the hotness-- yow. The looks that couples that are really in sync and in love and in lust give each other, the way they touch, the ease, getting to watch that is just awesome. And getting to participate in it... I just don't have words... it's intense!

Exploring an individual can be as powerful, deep and meaningful as can be, of course. There's no replacing that, if you want to build deep connections. But getting to slide into the established sexual and relational patterns of a couple, that experience of being surrounded, I could just die. Love it. I've never been on the other side of the equation, part of a couple inviting in a third person. Maybe I'd like it very much, but in the abstract, it doesn't hold the same visceral appeal to me.

I wonder if it's laziness, in part. Wanting to enjoy the unique flavor of the bond that comes from deep understanding and intimacy without putting in the hard, scary work of building that myself. I don't know, maybe it *is* a little lazy, or a little greedy.

But on the other hand, it's not like I've never put in the time myself before. I had a primary, cohabiting partnership of 3 years that I worked hard at, and it's not like I delude myself into thinking that I'm actually entitled to access the same level of intimacy and bond with a couple as what they share between themselves, just because they let me in for a little while. That sort of thing has to be earned, and it won't necessarily happen equally with both members.

It's a huge trust, a huge gift, to get to snuggle into a shape that's been made for you between two people who love each other very much. But I know better than to accept any declarations of "equality" in that sort of situation. There is an inherent power imbalance when you're coming in from the outside. You simply can't, on a very important level, make up for years of intimate association with pure passion. Though, to be fair to those I've seen who have done a good job with it, if all three partners are committed, you can try to get to a place of actual equality, and quite possibly accelerate the process.

I'm curious-- does anyone else relate to this at all? Any thoughts about individual people engaging with both halves of a couple, beyond the usual, "We want a gf who'll love us both equally, be exclusive with us, move in right away," versus, "Ugh, please go away, unicorn hunters, GO AWAY," debate?

AnnabelMore said:

So, I'm just curious, does anyone else relate to this at all? Any thoughts about individual people engaging with both halves of a couple, beyond the usual "We want a gf who'll love us both equally and be exclusive with us and move in right away" versus "Ugh, please go away unicorn hunters, GO AWAY" debate.

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I've had "couple crushes" a few times in my life, when I was in my 20's. I've never acted on them or been approached to act on them, but I get what you're saying about being attracted to the "energy" between two other people.

Hijack posts deleted.

Curly and I figured out early on that we weren't interested in hunting unicorns. Yeah, there were some idle fantasies about possibly meeting somebody who rocked both of our worlds; though never any serious thought.

I know that at least one of the ladies I've dated thought the very idea of getting involved with Curly in addition to me just really creepy. I'll posit that as the other end of the spectrum from your experience.

I found myself agreeing with that notion quite strongly, actually. Faced with the possibility of that actually happening--a bisexual wife and a bisexual amorata--I was distinctly uncomfortable with the thought. I don't think I'd be comfortable with that, when it comes down to it.

I have wondered what it would be like to get involved with a couple of ladies I know who are involved with each other. I never thought of it as getting involved with a couple, though, so I'm not certain the experience is the same as yours.

I'm straight and don't know of any couple made of two bisexual men... but I have to say that I've experienced something similar with an opposite sex couple, except it was a crush on the male part of the couple, and a strong "metamour crush" on the female. That is, I really wanted to get involved with him, but I also really wanted her as my metamour.

I think people who are in a happy, healthy relationship are attractive because they have already proven they can do it right.

I was thinking about your post this morning.

During the 7 or so years I spent being happily solo, I was not open to romantic relationships. I wasn't interested, and most of the time if I was with friends who were in relationships, I couldn't understand why they were willing to put up with the restrictions that those relationships placed upon their lives.

Anyway, during those years, the only time I ever had a yearning for a close, committed, romantic relationship was with a couple I was (am) friends with. Watching them together makes me smile. They are so relaxed and loving with each other. Sometimes I'd have dinner with them and go home wishing that I could go out with each of them. I have a very different relationship with each of those people. I am much closer to one than the other. Both of them are attractive to me. But more than that, their dynamic is attractive.

Over the course of the years, they were the only ones I felt tempted by. Sadly, it had to remain a fantasy. These guys are not attracted to women. So I enjoyed and continue to enjoy them from afar.

Tonberry said:

I think people who are in a happy, healthy relationship are attractive because they have already proven they can do it right.

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We (both the "we" that is our V, and the "we" here on the forums) have talked about this before. I agree totally.

Dude had, facetiously, decided that he was only dating married women from now on, since his experiences thus far (i.e., me) had worked out so well, while his experiences with single/solo girls had been rockier. I pointed out that he was leaving out a factor-- that he should probably leave the "unhappily-married-and-looking-to-leave-their-husband" women out, if he was looking to avoid drama.

He has amended his facetious decision to state that he is only going to date HAPPILY-married women, which, I pointed out, would seriously limit his dating pool, to:
1) Happily married
2) Open to dating others
3) Attracted to him and attractive to him

He said we were worth waiting for.

JaneQ

AnnabelMore said:

I have a thing for happy couples, there's no denying it.

Does anyone else relate to this? Any thoughts about individual people engaging with both halves of a couple, beyond the usual, "We want a gf who'll love us both equally and be exclusive with us and move in right away," versus "Ugh, please go away unicorn hunters, GO AWAY" debate?

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I totally get it/feel it!
The first couple (well, second-- the first couple didn't pan out) MF couple I was with, I actually felt a 'click,' like something that was missing in my life suddenly fell in sync with the universe. It was an actual acute sensation that truly helped put my life in perspective. It was an incredible feeling.
That was 8 years ago. I still see them at least once or twice a month.

My story has been posted here in the past, and folks here have helped me tremendously. I call my awareness 'a different way of being.'

Although I initiated my involvement with deception (I was married at the time), I have since eliminated deception from my life, thus being totally honest about my different way of being.

My friends Tom (male) and Jane (female) are married. Our relationship started from an ad on a swingers site. It was purely sexual at first, but it has evolved over the years, so that in some ways, I believe the three of us have our own separate life together, apart from our regular lives. Although still primarily sexual, we have grown in ways greater than each of our individual entities were capable of.

Like AnnabelMore stated, being in the presence of two people who love each other and are expressing their love through physical intimacy is incredible. Knowing my wanted presence gives them even more pleasure with each other is the ultimate for me.

Tom is truly unique, in that he derives great erotic pleasure knowing Jane is receiving pleasure from another man. It's kind of like a loving cuckoldry, with no humiliation. With his encouragement, Jane and I have developed a relationship in addition to our threesomes. We meet, now and again, just the two of us. Although Tom is not actually present at these times, the trust we have in each other enhances our bond. I know I am a cared-for aspect in their relationship, and it makes me feel great that I can add a joyful aspect to what they share with each other.

I've tried to explain this to a few people, and I get looks ranging from absolute horror to complete disbelief. I'm glad somebody else gets it. Thanks, AnnabelMore!

Omg, thank you so much for posting, Island. Your relationships with Tom and Jane sound truly beautiful. Congrats on where you are in terms of honesty in your life.

"I've tried to explain this to a few people, and I get looks ranging from absolute horror to complete disbelief. I'm glad somebody else gets it. Thanks AnnabelMore."

I hardly ever talk about it in my real life, except for with one very kinky friend. I was nervous about bringing it up here, not knowing how people would respond. It means so so much to me to have someone else say they know exactly what I mean! And you're welcome, too.

Thanks also to everyone else who has posted so far with related thoughts.

I can sort of relate

But not in the same way. Not that I have extensive experience with couples, but my experience was more as a relationship to the couple rather than to each as an individual. I know that most people would claim that by that aspect alone, my view or experience is very unrealistic, or too shiny to be real. They can think what they want, but those interactions were thought of by the three of us to be as we experienced it, and not what others told us it was.

I am of the opinion that when it comes to sex, a highly sexual woman may be better suited to engage with two men, rather than one. In a way, I always considered sex with a couple to be like the non-sexual relationship of a V. I don't consider myself bisexual, however, when three people are engaging in sex, and I am one of the three participants, the thought of the other two being male and female is more arousing than two females.

But then again, I have never actually been part of a polyamorous relationship. I've had open relationships that didn't work out, and in the past, dated a woman who, unbeknownst to me, was poly, and both wrought havoc in my life to the point where I no longer maintain any contact.

My experience with couples has been what some may describe as more casual in nature, but that is not at all how any of us three would describe it. My experience is that it can be an extremely rewarding friendship for all three involved, especially when the male half of the couple has a fetish/kink/whatever name you want to call it where he gets off watching his spouse/girlfriend have sex, as well as participating in said sex. I can't speak for him, as only he could tell you how he felt, but from his speech it definitely seemed to me that he got more gratification from not physically participating, but watching and instructing his spouse to do what he liked to see.

My viewpoint might fit into more of the kink world than poly, but from my experience, one female with two males seems to work much better than one male with two females. Although I suppose the sexuality might play a bigger part than the gender does. So maybe one male with two females who were bisexual, with more emphasis on their attraction to each other, as opposed to the male, might work just as well as MFM.

You know, AnnabelMore, I suspect that if I were in a frozen region, you could sell me ice cubes.

I completely relate, and though I haven't done that, I could easily imagine doing so. When I figured out I was bisexual, I thought how lovely it would be to be with a couple. I had no vocabulary for any of this, but I also had no barriers to thinking such things.

I have had, and expect to have, with my expanded awareness, more couple-crushes. (I have a triple crush on JaneQ's gang. )

Haha, thanks, NR!

I suppose you could say that I am one of the members of an observed couple that became polyamorous through us, as the original pair, more or less falling in love with the close friends that supported us through our LDR.

This conversation is very interesting. I seem to be the only one among my own circle with a long-term slow and steady relationship.

I've never experienced any of these observations myself. Reading some of them is either very nice or makes me blush. Perhaps I will have to ask the others about some things, like some of their fetishes, and see how they relate to their attraction to couples.

I don't have couple-crushes in the way many folks on the thread have described. I am generally not attracted to couples. It's usually just one person from a couple.

However, the couple that I cuddled with, I think they are just the cutest together. They are so different and make it work together. I think they are awesomesauce... Okay, maybe I do have a couple-crush!

Oh my, this is me all over! I have been experiencing this, exactly as you have described AnnabelMore, recently. It is, in fact, what has made me come to question whether I might be poly after all. I think I might just be. So glad to read these replies too. It feels great to know other people can relate.