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  #11  
Old 06-22-2010, 01:34 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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I can't say anymore than has been said. All i can do is send support over the internet.

Be strong and protect yourself and the kids.
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  #12  
Old 06-22-2010, 03:41 PM
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Matilda Matilda is offline
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Default Yet, here I am...

Following on from my tentative 'introduction' about not wanting to be here (and believe me, I don't!) I realise that I'm inclined to just...heartspill, and I think that might help the situation.

To give a synposis, the saga that is now playing out can be summarised as
Fairytale-Princess-Wannabe married very young to a man who swore he was her One-True-Love and Knight-in-Shining-Armour. After a decade and a half of heartbreak, lying, deceit, manipulation, emotional and psychological abuse, control issues, mindgames, etc. from him, he turned around one day and announced the root of all his behaviour was that he's "poly".

I love my husband. I want him to be happy. I know he is sorry for all the hurt he's inflicted on me, and I don't want to be The Poor Victim in this, so I'm taking on the responsibility of verbalising my confusion and my frustration in the hope that I can work through this, and maybe if I can get through it, learn, grow, be more whole and full and happy as a result of this change and learning process...it will be a good thing to take from the mess my marriage has made of me.

Right now, I'm upset, and I feel betrayed and confused.
Right now, I need to figure out who I am.

I want to be able to 'support' my husband, I want to be a friend to him and someone to lean on, but right now I don't know who 'me' is.
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  #13  
Old 06-22-2010, 03:56 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Matilda View Post
Following on from my tentative 'introduction' about not wanting to be here (and believe me, I don't!) I realise that I'm inclined to just...heartspill, and I think that might help the situation.

To give a synposis, the saga that is now playing out can be summarised as
Fairytale-Princess-Wannabe married very young to a man who swore he was her One-True-Love and Knight-in-Shining-Armour. After a decade and a half of heartbreak, lying, deceit, manipulation, emotional and psychological abuse, control issues, mindgames, etc. from him, he turned around one day and announced the root of all his behaviour was that he's "poly".
Basing a relationship on a lie isn't the beginning of a healthy relationship

Quote:
I love my husband. I want him to be happy. I know he is sorry for all the hurt he's inflicted on me, and I don't want to be The Poor Victim in this, so I'm taking on the responsibility of verbalising my confusion and my frustration in the hope that I can work through this, and maybe if I can get through it, learn, grow, be more whole and full and happy as a result of this change and learning process...it will be a good thing to take from the mess my marriage has made of me.

Right now, I'm upset, and I feel betrayed and confused.
Right now, I need to figure out who I am.
Thats healthy. Figure out who you are and what you want.

Quote:
I want to be able to 'support' my husband, I want to be a friend to him and someone to lean on, but right now I don't know who 'me' is.
Ok, having read your other thread, there is a lot of poor behaviour in your relationship. Can it be fixed, sure if you want it I suppose. I honestly think you need to seek counselling, both of you. Your relationship needs help from the ground up.

Your foundation to begin a poly relationship is wrecked with havok. You need to build the base in order to potentially ad on. Otherwise, you not only risk being hurt but anyone he includes does to. I say he, because reading your other post, you have no choice in the matter, *currently*.

I get...angry at men like your husband. The insecurity he shows by not allowing you to have friends, not allowing you to live outside the relationship, yet taking that step himself. Its the sign of a truly selfish coward. Your relationship is badly unbalanced.

Quote:

I'm scared of hurting him. I'm scared of upsetting the children.
I'm scared of being 'alone' - I'm scared of possible revenge he would seek were I to rock the boat. I'm scared of 'letting him down' - I'm scared of blowing the whistle, I'm scared of everyone outside of us as a couple KNOWING what's been going on all these years. I'm scared of everything.
I ripped this from your other post. Why should you live life in fear of anything? If this is truly how you feel, and you still want to support this relationship, seek counselling, but be aware of your options. Be very aware of what you have the power to do. Do not feel stuck to a relationship like this...

Here is a poem to mull over.

There's a little game
Here is how it goes
Bullshit's like a river
It starts and then it flows
If you are afraid
That you have been neglected
Let me make sure
That you're feeling well protected
My arms are all around you
Please ignore the grip
I'll tell you that you're safe
Just don't try givin' me the slip
I think that you are vulnerable
I think that you are weak
I'll tell you who to play with
For myself I will you keep
I am your lord and master
You will never run away
Although the door is always open
Your mind will always stay
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  #14  
Old 06-22-2010, 05:40 PM
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Matilda Matilda is offline
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Thank you for your reply and for the 'topical' poem.
I find I relate very readily to it, and that troubles me on one level and comforts me on another...I think seeing it writing, phrased like that, is like seeing it through a lens that focuses the image more for me.

I have a lot of thinking and talking and feeling to do. I know this.
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  #15  
Old 06-22-2010, 08:05 PM
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SourGirl SourGirl is offline
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A few things ;

1- Announcing ones self as 'poly' is never a excuse for previous, or ongoing shitty behavior. Its up to you, the woman who knows him, to decide if thats a cop-out, or if he really was a putz because he was 'hiding' himself.

@. - This is a question. With how he has treated you, and your anger and resentment because of it,..Do you really want to be 'supportive' of him doing this to another person ?
Or, would you rather be 'supportive' by telling him to learn new ways of being, make himself the best person he can be, and then look at the idea of 'dating' ,..LATER ON ?
Which do you think is the right choice ?


One thing about being 'poly',....We are poly, in thought, regardless if we get to act on it or not.
People who want to go out and bump uglies, and worry about the ramifications later, are not practicing polyamory.

Its such a core part of yourself, (when you are actually polyamorous) that you want to be the best person you can be to the people around you.

You want them to enjoy your company, as much as you enjoy theirs.
-------

If he wants to become one of those stereotypical polygamists,..well, thats a whole `nother thing.

Anyhow, just something to chew on. Ariakas has some good points as well. Think long, think hard. Don`t be scared of your own version of the truth.


Good luck.
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  #16  
Old 06-23-2010, 01:57 AM
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idealist idealist is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
And yet lots of people achieve this. Lots of people think poly and loving more than one person is a fairy tale as well. Sorry Idealist, I got triggered by the defeatest tone in this comment. Knowledge is based on experience and often shaped by our own wants.
Sorry to trigger anything. And I have to respectfully disagree. It is not defeatism, but reality in my opinion. And, at the risk of triggering anything else (because I respect you so much) I dare say that even though you are mono, you are not living the "fairy tale romance" that I'm talking about and the one (it seems to me) that Matilda has internalized.

I got this from Pepper Mint.

"When we are talking about the perfect ideal of monogamy, the other person in the union is The One. What does it mean to be The One? Well, first off, there are no others. Which is to say: no affairs, no adultery, no sly
backward glances after passing someone cute on the sidewalk. Definitely no flirting, aside from flirting with The One. Sex only with The One. In fact, proper devotion to The One really requires that sexual and romantic desires only go towards them. Finding other people attractive is a no-no.
This aspect of idealized monogamy extends to activities that may not even involve another person. Pornography? Erotica? Desire for The One should theoretically overshadow any need for such things. Similarly, while most of us probably consider regular masturbation to be perfectly healthy (relationship or no) it has no place in the land of fairy-tale monogamy. In fairy tales, The One is all that you need to be fulfilled.

Second, it is really best if there were no others before The One. While some romantic comedies use the decision process for fun and conflict, in many other movies The One is also The First. Pride and Prejudice is an example of this. Virginity is implied by this particular aspect of fairy-tale monogamy. It is best if both are virgins, though of course the virginity of women somehow ends up being more important, as a direct result of cultural sexism.
We cannot discuss before without describing after. “’Til death do you part” is in most marriage vows for a reason. Even after death has in fact parted you, it is somewhat unseemly to take another lover or spouse.

Marriage vows bring up the subject of marriage itself. In fairy-tale romance of any sort, marriage is a must, and early marriage is best. Think Romeo and Juliet. I am trying to build a picture here. When we think of the ideal of monogamy, it is a single love in a lifetime. It is a single desire. It is an attraction that is so intense it becomes the single attraction in the course of one’s life.

Of course, most people are fully aware that they will not be living this type of idealized monogamy. I suspect that most people do not actually want this life.
However, I contend that fairy-tale monogamy is in a sense always present in people’s heads. It forms a sort of reference point, a single shared idea across the culture. While representations of monogamy in culture are varied, the fact that a decent percentage of such representations use this idealized monogamy (even though it is usually considered to be impractical) tells us that this idealization has currency."
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  #17  
Old 06-23-2010, 02:01 AM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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fyi...the story continues here http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3050
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  #18  
Old 06-23-2010, 03:47 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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I must admit Peppermint's article reflects a hyper monogamy expectation that I truly have never seen in people. You see bits of it but not this level of Walt Disney love.
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  #19  
Old 06-23-2010, 06:49 AM
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Matilda Matilda is offline
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I've woken up with a feeling of hopelessness.
Last night my husband and I spoke for a long time in great depth.
He's changed tactics again...now he is willing to put everything else he wants aside again, and simply focus on rebuilding the marriage.

The problem here is that I'm psychologically in a place where I see us as two people in a boat. The boat is sinking, having been repared by me, alone, over and over and over for the past 15 years. Now he wants to save the boat.
I want to save the people IN the boat. He doesn't understand the difference, or sees it as the same thing. He maintains that if the people in the boat are okay, then the boat is okay, or if the boat is still afloat, then the people inside are fine. I understand how crap the boat is, because I'm the one who has been putting it back together after every storm, and I know it's held together with sticky-tape and prayer at this stage...and I'm all out of sticky tape...and water is pouring in.

After months, no, years now, of refusing point blank to even consider marriage counselling, he now thinks it's a good idea. He is making dramatic changes in his routine and schedule to 'accomodate' the new awareness that he is now prioritising our relationship.

Fundamentally, I personally feel I should find me, make me whole, make me strong, make me a full person again and he should figure out who he is and what he wants ASIDE of 'the marriage' and fix whatever's missing in him so he starts 'owning' his jealousies and obsessive behaviours...and I fel we should be mutually supportive of one another in this process.

He's looking at this, and coming at it from what I feel is an unhelpful angle.
I've read and read and read and thought and thought and thought, and have come to certain realisations that I don't like but I do accept.

I'm not the marriage. I'm a person in the marriage, and that marriage is very, very broken because of things I cannot control. But I should be responsible for me, I should be allowed to make me happy, and I would like very much for my husband to be happy - but as a person too, but I don't believe he is willing to change his viewpoint at the moment. How that is to be achieved is anyone's guess.
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  #20  
Old 06-23-2010, 08:30 AM
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Matilda, the boat metaphor can only be taken so far. The reason your husband is now acting like this possibly is because you've given off new indications that you're feeling independent and want to cut loose from him.

I think getting away from him for a while is a good idea. For once let him come to you. For once you be hard to get for him. It's not like he's never turned away from you. Being poly is not the same thing as cheating on one's wife. Polyamory is always honest and above board. Polyamory is not happening yet in this marriage no matter what your husband wants to think.

Matilda, you've been through enough. Time to not go through anything anymore.
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