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  #1  
Old 01-07-2015, 05:05 AM
hislittlekitten hislittlekitten is offline
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Exclamation Finding a Unicorn: Grounds for a Threesome

edit: Yes, I'm in a poly relationship with a man who has another partner. This question is indeed about threesomes and not about polyamory itself, but I ask here because I think the fact that he is a V blurs the fact that this threesome situation is different from poly and different rules need to be discussed.

Also, apologies for the word "unicorn" because apparently people don't like that. Sorry, borrowing from fet.

And apparently this isn't a good place to ask this question because you all are assuming that I'm confusing poly and swinging. I'm not. Please actually read what I'm saying.

.....original post:

I feel like this might be a good place to ask this question because 1) most searches for thoughts in this all assume a traditional couple, married or committed monogamously, and 2) I feel like lines can become blurred or thoughts or ideas regarding a threesome can become blurred people assumptions change in a polyamorous relationship.

So here's my question. What are your grounds for finding a unicorn? I mean, assuming you find one. Assuming you find a unicorn and you want to meet her, you want to play with her, you want to see where it goes. What kinds of ground rules do you have?

I ask because I am wary right now. I want this as badly as my partner does, but he's probably much more willing to dive in on this. Literally and figuratively.

Tonight he is meeting the girl we've been chatting with for a few weeks. She wants to meet with just him. He has just informed me that they won't be playing, which I had assumed (and I think he had assumed as well). I'm uncomfortable with them playing without me and I told him so. I'm glad they aren't going to play without me.

My concerns are, honestly, that she doesn't want a threesome and that she just wants to test my beau out as a Dom. That's my worst concern. I'm concerned she isn't interested in me. But I'm also concerned that this is not going to be set up... properly, if you will, because I'm being excluded from the very start. Is this unreasonable?

I realized that I think we need more structure to this. We do need more rules or agreements about what will happen with this threesome. It's been about four months since we started dating and it's already a lot to process, so I feel like we rushed this idea.

On top of that, he's also searching for a threesome with his other partner. Whatever, I don't really care, but the girl they've been talking to is associated with the girl we are talking to, and that's also something that makes me wonder if we need to talk about more structure (there's apparently been drama behind that - as in the girl they're talking to has expressed being uninterested in my beau's other partner, as well as me, and acts as if she's just looking to get with my beau). No, I won't get sexually involved with his other partner - honestly I don't find her attractive and the things I've gone through to find myself accepting of his poly relationship has included not feeling welcome or equally accepted by her, so that is absolutely out of the question.

Any thoughts or input would be great. If you've somehow found a unicorn and you had to set some rules, I'd love to know. Please spill.

Last edited by hislittlekitten; 01-07-2015 at 04:43 PM.
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  #2  
Old 01-07-2015, 02:14 PM
Memorandum Memorandum is offline
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Well, constantly referring to her as a unicorn isn't exactly helping. And some people are probably going to jump your throat because of it.
May I suggest metamour/potential metamour. Or the classic Other Woman (OW), even though this one just makes it sound as bad as using unicorn with the current context.
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  #3  
Old 01-07-2015, 02:31 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Unicorns are mythical creatures that do not exist. The reason that the term "unicorn hunters" is used in poly lingo to describe couples looking for a bisexual chick to fuck and love them equally is because it illustrates what an impossible task it is to seek such an unrealistic fantasy. Additionally, calling a woman a unicorn is actually insulting because you objectify her by using that term. Also, polyamory is about having multiple loving relationships. If your focus is only on group sex, I don't know how poly even applies to your situation.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 01-07-2015 at 02:36 PM.
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Old 01-07-2015, 03:36 PM
hislittlekitten hislittlekitten is offline
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I apologize for calling her a unicorn; it's not really meant to degrade her, and yes I see what you're saying. In other communities people don't mind using the word (namely fet).

But our agreement is that she isn't a metamour really. She IS just joining us for sex.

And yes, poly applies to our situation - as a relationship. If you read my initial post, I mention this. This isn't a poly-specific issue but it becomes relevant to poly because we are in a polyamorous relationship.

If it doesn't make sense to post this here then I'll delete it, but I figured I would ask. I think pretending that these sorts of issues don't happen in the poly community is silly. Sure it's not specifically poly - that we're searching for a threesome - but *because* our relationship is poly, I feel that we have different guidelines surrounding our relationship in the first place thus a different construct for introducing new things into our relationship. Such as this.
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Old 01-07-2015, 04:35 PM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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Sounds like swinging, not poly. Maybe you'll have better luck on a swinger site but I imagine most are couples looking for single women or are couples who finally compromised and opened up to other couples when they didn't find their "unicorn"
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  #6  
Old 01-07-2015, 04:39 PM
hislittlekitten hislittlekitten is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Inyourendo View Post
Sounds like swinging, not poly. Maybe you'll have better luck on a swinger site but I imagine most are couples looking for single women or are couples who finally compromised and opened up to other couples when they didn't find their "unicorn"
No, OUR RELATIONSHIP is poly. I have a metamour; he has another partner.

This situation - with the "unicorn," but apparently I shouldn't be saying that - is a situation in which we're bringing in a sexual partner that is strictly a sexual partner.

Pretty sure you've replied to me on the forum before. I am in a poly relationship.

I'm asking: as someone in a poly relationship, who is, with my partner, looking at a THREESOME that is NOT part of the poly construct - something that is outside of our poly agreements - what should I think about?

Already I'm seeing that we have to create different rules and understandings from what I'm used to with his other relationship.

What about what I'm saying isn't making sense?
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  #7  
Old 01-07-2015, 04:59 PM
Memorandum Memorandum is offline
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Sounds like it's time to have a conversation. Tell him you think there needs to be more structure to the situation, and go from there.
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Old 01-07-2015, 06:08 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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No, we all understood you. And no, this is not FetLife.

It just sounds like you all need to communicate better to make sure everyone is on the same page. If you have to be there when they fuck and don't want them doing anything without you, and if they both agree to that, then it stands to reason that you should be a part of the planning process. But if they want to get it on without you, what then? Also, if you and your bf want her to know that your liaisons with this woman can only be casual and non-committal, then you all have to discuss that upfront. If you have concerns about anyone's motives, speak up and ask what they really want and hope for. It doesn't help you to be guessing and making up rules based on conjecture.

Personally, I feel that rules have no place in adult relationships where there is trust. If you tell your bf what you are comfortable with and not comfortable with, isn't that enough? Making up rules for other people to follow says that you simply do not trust them to be considerate enough to make choices that honor everyone's wishes -- and if someone wants to break rules, they will, so they are useless.

Perhaps you should slow down and wait to get involved sexually with this person until you know her better and there is a better level of trust among you - as well as clear communication and honoring of everyone's needs.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #9  
Old 01-07-2015, 06:12 PM
tenK tenK is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hislittlekitten View Post

What about what I'm saying isn't making sense?
With your clarifications, your question is clear enough. I think part of the problem is that you are asking 'what rules should we put in place for this three way swinging-style hook-up' in a forum where not many people have experience of swinging-style hook ups. I could repeat things I've read elsewhere on the internet about how mono couples set things up, but I get the feeling you think that there should be different rules because you both already have experience with poly. I'm not sure that that's right.

I think most people planning a sex only three-way decide in advance on things like:
1) will this be a one-off event, or are we happy to repeat it if it goes well?
2) should we find a complete stranger, or proposition one of our friends? who is off limits? exes? previous play buddies?
3) what are our safe(r) sex boundaries?
4) once we've found someone who is interested, what sexual things are on or off the menu for us, and what sexual things are on or off the menu for her?
5) where will this encounter take place? Our? Hers? Somewhere neutral?
6) what is our exit strategy should feelings begin to develop?


Obviously, if you don't want more intense feelings to grow, maybe you limit yourselves to a one-off encounter with someone, and make that someone be an acquaintance or stranger. The safe-sex stuff is presumably something you've already discussed with your partner in the context of your V, but if this is a stranger and a one-off event, you might want to be more strict than you would with a regular partner. I think 6 is the key one to address here if you really are keen to keep this sex-only, as I imagine both you and your partner have a history of being able to form deeper connections with others, and that might require taking a real mental shift in how you approach this encounter. I'd say, generically, that you could increase your chances of not becoming attached by picking someone who lacks the traits you find desirable in a long-term partner, and being certain that she is also on the exact same page as you two before hooking up in terms of where this is leading. If she's someone you meet on sites you use to find poly friends, or you find her through your local poly-network, it will be especially important to clarify that this isn't what you are looking for at this time with her.

Does that make sense?
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  #10  
Old 01-07-2015, 06:31 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tenK View Post
With your clarifications, your question is clear enough. I think part of the problem is that you are asking 'what rules should we put in place for this three way swinging-style hook-up' in a forum where not many people have experience of swinging-style hook ups.
LOL!! Oh, believe me, there are puh-lenty of members here who have that kind of experience. Plenty! At any given time you will see only a small percentage of the membership replying, so one cannot make assumptions about "most" of us being experienced in this, that, or anything else.

It's simply that this thread is focused on casual swinging-type NSA group sex issues rather than poly, but was posted to the Poly Relationships forum when it really isn't a poly problem. Posts there should be looking for "Help, Sharing, & Advice for Polyamorous relationships." Nor does it belong in General Poly Discussions,which is for "Discussions on Theory & Application of Polyamory." It's about threesomes and threesome etiquette. I've moved this thread to Fireplace, which is a more appropriate forum for it. It has more of a chance to attract more useful replies now, I believe.
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The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 01-07-2015 at 06:34 PM.
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