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  #1  
Old 10-16-2012, 07:41 PM
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polymama polymama is offline
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Default 50 ways to leave your [partner's] lover

Hi All~

I am in a poly relationship in transition and I feel like it would be helpful to get some feedback from some people who have a little more experience with polyamory.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years and we have a 2 year old daughter together, as well as 4 more children from our previous relationships.

This past winter we discovered that we were both interested in being with another woman together, and we tried a no strings attached encounter with another bi girl and we LOVED it. That relationship ended poorly though, because she and I wound up having an intimate encounter without my boyfriend, while he and I were having problems. Which was cheating.

In the spring time we hit a rough patch and wound up living apart for a couple of months. After we reunited, I discovered that during our split, he had started a long-distance relationship with a woman he had known in high school (L). When I found out about L, I broke it off again, and she eventually came to visit him for a while and they made plans for her to move in with him.

While L was on a trip back to her home state to get some of her belongings, he and I had an intimate encounter and realized that we were still incredibly in love, and we decided to reconcile and rekindle our relationship and our family. We talked about the possibility of having L continue to move in, and I was open to the idea. So he told L that we had reunited, and offered her the option of coming anyway, and possibly moving in and having a polyamorous relationship with us.

So we tried it..and now 4 months in I have pretty much realized that this particular type of arrangement is not for me. A few of the issues I have had with it:
-I discovered that my boyfriend had been communicating romantically with L six months before we had even had our time apart..so their connection started with him cheating on me : (
-L is not bi, and I am not very attracted to her..she is ten years older than the range that I am into. We have had a handful of threesomes with her, which have been fun, but her and I do not play, so it isn't the free flowing way that I am looking for. We have wound up in a V and what I really want is a triad.
-L has a daughter and a dog and our house is too small our family of 7 plus hers.
-I am really uncomfortable with my boyfriend and L having intimate time alone. It makes me feel sick to my stomach to hear it, and it fills me with pain and and jealousy and I wind up feeling like I need to leave the house.
-My boyfriend and I are still struggling with some of the same issues that we broke up over, and at times we are still arguing like we used to. I find that without having a solid footing beneath us, a second relationship cannot be taken care of properly.

My boyfriend has told L that it is not going to work out and now she is working on figuring out where to go from here. I feel sad because I know that my inability to handle this is putting her in a very difficult situation, and I know that it breaks my boyfriend's heart, too. For the past couple of months, I felt that maybe I should just suck it up and learn to deal with the pain and anxiety that this situation has been causing me. But I knew that prolonging this would just put off the inevitable, and cause even more discomfort in the meantime.

I have learned a lot about my limitations and what it is I am really looking for:

-Our relationship needs to be stable if we are interacting with others.
-I believe that because we have children who are depending on us to maintain a stable family and home, my boyfriend and I need to be the primary relationship if we are going to live a poly lifestyle.
-We need to be a package deal and start out with only engaging with others together.
-Cohabiting with a girlfriend must wait until the relationship has made it through a nice long trial period (1+ years, longer if they have children)

So, anyone have any thoughts or feelings or advice?

Thanks!
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  #2  
Old 10-17-2012, 04:48 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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-Our relationship needs to be stable if we are interacting with others.

Yes! It will only be further destabilizing to you, AND hurt them, if you engage with others when you're not secure in your primary partnership, with good communication, a good solid trust and respect, and shared values and vision.

-I believe that because we have children who are depending on us to maintain a stable family and home, my boyfriend and I need to be the primary relationship if we are going to live a poly lifestyle.

Sure! This is totally valid, as long as you recognize that this means that it would be unfair to ask any new partner to be exclusive with you, and as long as you're completely upfront with any new partner that you're only offering a secondary relationship.

-We need to be a package deal and start out with only engaging with others together.

Really, really bad idea. You've had this go wrong twice now, in different ways. Trying to force yourselves and any new potential partners to adhere *more* tightly to a mold that isn't working is a bad idea. Here are some writings on why:
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showp...9&postcount=23

http://www.morethantwo.com/coupledating.html

http://www.lovemore.com/blog/?p=1050...#comment-28308

What it comes down to is that it simply doesn't work. Relationships... real, authentic relationships... build in different ways, at different rates, and you can't force an expectation of triad-ness on someone. Vees really are ok, as long as you're not *expecting* a triad, and thus setting yourself up for disappointment, or putting bans on the very natural act of dyad affection, and thus setting yourselves up for failure, or living together prematurely, and thus having to be around displays of affection that you're not yet comfortable being privy to.

-Cohabiting with a girlfriend must wait until the relationship has made it through a nice long trial period (1+ years, longer if they have children)

Very, very good idea. But really, I've gotta say, if you've decided that you guys are "the primary relationship", which I take to mean that you're not looking for co-primaries, why would you consider putting someone in the position of living with you at all? Or maybe I misunderstood you on that?
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Old 10-17-2012, 06:04 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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I agree with Annabelle on all counts.
I would add-you need to do some major work on the anxiety issues. I have been there, its hard work-but must be done to make this possible at all.
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Old 10-17-2012, 06:03 PM
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WaywardDruid WaywardDruid is offline
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Smile mmmm.....

I thought there was going to be a list ??

Quote:
50 ways to leave your [partner's] lover


Just Me,
Tim
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Old 10-17-2012, 10:26 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Well, to be fair, the song doesn't have 50 different ways either.
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