Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 10-17-2012, 12:30 AM
Marcus's Avatar
Marcus Marcus is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Haltom City, TX
Posts: 1,275
Default What is he not getting?

If he is a "second" then it makes sense that he would feel lesser than your "primary" relationship. I don't see why he wouldn't, unless that is a position which naturally suits him.

If O wants a relationship with you, one with love, concern, commitment, adoration, and time then being in a secondary (lesser) relationship would naturally be uncomfortable. Perhaps a monogamous relationship, or a non-hierarchical polyamorous relationship is more his style.

I would want to understand more about what he was after, and what it is that you can't offer. Maybe he *can* get what he feels like he needs from you in the current structure, and he is just over-estimating how "primary" your husband needs to be.
__________________
Independent (Anarchist) Non-Monogamy

Me: male, 40, straight, single
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 10-17-2012, 01:13 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,041
Default

What I am going to say has largely been said already - but I'll add my slant.

I have hearing two different things from his side here:

Quote:
Originally Posted by LovelyLove View Post
He said that it is all too much for him. His parents living here (they don't know anything), my husband, our children. He said that he feels that he's being dealt a bad hand if we get involved and he gets emotionally attached and then I can go home to my husband every night (and he gets to go home to his parents ). He feels he gets left with nothing but borrowed affection. I guess he is basically saying that if he can't get the whole package, then he doesn't want anything.
VS.

Quote:
Originally Posted by LovelyLove View Post
He said he's still like to go out with me, like dancing and drinking beer. I said that I wouldn't be able to keep my hands off him if we did, and he said that he could live with that, with that lovely smile of his on his lips.
The first part sounds like a "NO" to something and the second part sounds like a "YES" to something else. So you need to clarify with him what you are offering and what he is, and is NOT, accepting.

When I first got together with Dude - I withheld myself emotionally, because my feeling was that we would enjoy each other for a time but that he would want to go off and find a "primary" of his own (who, I assumed, would demand that he cut things off with me). That I was a temporary girlfriend until a "real girl" came along, and I felt I needed to be braced for that.

Dude really had to work with me there - to open up to him and the possibility that he really may be here for the long haul. He says that while he intends to pursue other relationships in the future that a tolerance of his continued relationship with me is a requirement. (Obviously the "shape" of our relationship will have to adjust considerably - I don't know how many people can fit in one king-size bed!)


Quote:
Originally Posted by LovelyLove View Post
Is he right in saying that he is not getting as much as he deserves? That I cannot give him as much as he's worth?
I don't think it is a matter of what someone "deserves". You can give him only what you have to offer. He gets to decide whether it is worth it to him on those terms. He can choose to say "all or nothing" - it which case he gets "nothing" because you have a hard-line that you are not leaving your husband. He can choose to counter with a offer of "NSA sex and/or FWB" until his "primary" comes along - and you can choose whether his counter-offer is acceptable to you. And endless variations...

Quote:
Originally Posted by LovelyLove View Post
Is that what it is to be the second person in a V where there is a clear primary couple?
I think it depends entirely on the individuals making up the Vee. MrS and I are the visible clear primary couple - we are legally married and present to the world as a couple. (see many discussions about "couple privilege" here and elsewhere to see the benefits of this to the couple and the disadvantages to the "other") Legally, he is my next of kin (and I trust him implicitly to make decisions "in my name") and listed as a beneficiary on my life insurance, etc.

On the other hand, on a day-to-day living-our-lives together level (i.e. if you were a fly on the wall of our house) - I'm not sure that things are quite so lopsided - they see me the same amount of time (i.e. when we are home), they have the same daily financial support (i.e. I pay all of our bills), Dude gets more sex (because he is hornier), MrS and I connect on deeper levels (having to do with being together for 2 decades), etc.

*****

I don't know, at this stage of the game, that you can predict the "shape" of things to come. That depends on all of your relationships with each other and how they grow and evolve over time. I think all you can do at this point is see if there is an intersection of what you are willing to consider in relation to the other...and see where it goes from there.

Jane("My-Two-Cents")Q
__________________
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe

Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 10-17-2012 at 01:25 AM. Reason: puntuation and, hopefully, some clarity
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 10-17-2012, 04:52 AM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,229
Default

"If O wants a relationship with you, one with love, concern, commitment, adoration, and time then being in a secondary (lesser) relationship would naturally be uncomfortable."

For the record, a secondary relationship can certainly incorporate all of the things on that list. The only two that are necessarily "lesser" are commitment and time, but they can still exist and be real within that context.
__________________
The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 10-17-2012, 05:19 AM
Marcus's Avatar
Marcus Marcus is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Haltom City, TX
Posts: 1,275
Default Joy of being Second

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
"If O wants a relationship with you, one with love, concern, commitment, adoration, and time then being in a secondary (lesser) relationship would naturally be uncomfortable."

For the record, a secondary relationship can certainly incorporate all of the things on that list. The only two that are necessarily "lesser" are commitment and time, but they can still exist and be real within that context.
Surely, Annabel, the hope is that all relationships exist according to the requirements of their participants. If someone needs a relationship but does not place high value upon time and commitment then I'm sure they'll be ripping happy with a relationship in which these things are absent.

According to the OP, it sounds like O is not in a hurry to adjust to his status as a secondary.
__________________
Independent (Anarchist) Non-Monogamy

Me: male, 40, straight, single
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 10-17-2012, 07:43 AM
LovelyLove LovelyLove is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 7
Default

I'll say it again - you guys are amazing! Thanks so much.

I think this captures it all very well:

Quote:
Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe View Post
What I am going to say has largely been said already - but I'll add my slant.

I have hearing two different things from his side here:

VS.

The first part sounds like a "NO" to something and the second part sounds like a "YES" to something else. So you need to clarify with him what you are offering and what he is, and is NOT, accepting.
Jane("My-Two-Cents")Q

And as it turns out he is looking for nothing more than a hanging out buddy. He doesn't want to get involved sexually - simple as that.

But it's been really interesting to see how people have looked at the "being the second person in a V" question. I suppose it depends so much on the people involved.

And your insight has been invaluable! And greatly appreciated!
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 02:38 PM.