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  #31  
Old 11-28-2011, 07:58 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
He is a sex machine and so am I.
Heh-heh. Right on, bay-beeeeee!
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  #32  
Old 11-28-2011, 11:37 PM
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Originally Posted by Phy View Post
I have to say, that we never really discussed any boundaries. I don't know why this is the case, but there never seemed to be a need for that. ... It would have felt really unnatural to me to set up restrictions for my relationships. ... there are no rules or boundaries around at the time and we all feel comfortable with our situation at the moment.
Phy, haven't you all agreed to specific nights that are designated for you to sleep either with Lin or Sward? Would that be considered boundaries, I wonder?
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  #33  
Old 12-07-2011, 11:38 AM
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I completely overlooked the response here. Sorry for that.

It doesn't feel like one because we didn't talk about it. It was just a pattern that was used right from the start. We switch every night and that's what I need and they as well because it comes closest to being as much with the other as possible. There aren't boundaries around that because our needs were met right from the start and no one would think of changing anything around our sleeping arrangement. It's kind of like the most natural need for sleep, if this makes sense. I need to get to bed every night, I want to sleep next to my beloved ones, but they don't sleep in one bed. That's why I split my time as equally as possible.

Maybe the word boundary isn't stored in the right corner of my dictionary. In respect to poly it is something for which you sit down and discuss with your partner. Something like that never happened.

I asked Sward, who is with me at the moment, if we ever did something like defining boundaries. He pondered about that for a bit and said: "Well there are some. My knife, my cup, ..." and laughed. After that he said that it all came naturally. Along the lines of: What would I like to have, what are the others able to give? But none of us has the impression of some kind of "rules" being present in our everyday life. It's just how you work in every relationship: Look out for the other person(s) involved and work with that.
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  #34  
Old 12-07-2011, 05:56 PM
OpenandCountry OpenandCountry is offline
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I was a very bad poly person in the beginning of my relationship with the bf...I broke all the rules.
However, we have revised the rules since I've fallen in love with the bf, and here is what we've come up with:
1. No sex with the bf in our bed
2. No intimate actions with the other guy present (hand holding/kissing/etc)
3. No staying the night without notifying husband first
4. Be home by midnight on weeknights (there have been a few exceptions to this rule, but it was discussed beforehand)
5. Spend time with my husband and consider him more in my actions (not really a rule, just a code of conduct)
6. Be aware of my inlaws, and try to stay away from where I'll be seen by them
7. There is an unspoken rule of not mentioning sexual things that I do with either of them...I just understand that they don't really want to hear that.
8. No coworkers.

That's all that I can think of for now. Above all, I'm just trying to consider my husband more after being swept up in NRE, and trying to make sure my boyfriend feels valued as well since he is new to the concept of poly.
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  #35  
Old 12-28-2011, 04:48 PM
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Question Early and Confusing

My wife and I have had experience bringing other women into our bed, but only recently have we really attempted to make a sustainable relationship out of it. Our girlfriend is great and totally accepting of anything that either of us would request, but it feels unnatural to set limitations on a relationship like this.
Its been mentioned that boundaries are set to protect the primary relationship (and my wife is undeniably primary), but we're all equally involved with each other. My wife is concerned that our girlfriend and I may have sex without her; that makes her uncomfortable. If they have sex without me around, I'm totally ok with that. Things don't seem in balance and I don't know if laying down specific rules would make things better.
Relationships should liberate us and empower us. It is too much to ask that Triad could do that for all of us? Could love and respect be rules enough?
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  #36  
Old 12-28-2011, 05:47 PM
polyq4 polyq4 is offline
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Default no rules

The 4 of us in the quad here have basically no rules. We are a wonderful mix of people. We do have our ups and downs and such , and there has been some discomforts when my wife said i dont like it when you kiss your GF a lot becuase i dont get that from my BF, however we have done a lot of talking and things are now very good between the 4 of us.

We have had a very nice week, i guess we are a rare animal because the 4 of us share (all of us). As an example yesterday started with our bf coming over to do some work in our driveway. While my son (older @24) and i watched TV my wife and bf went upstairs and made out (very quietly lol). later my wife and i went over to their place (we dont live far apart.)

Before dinner my gf and I went upstairs and hung out and played together while the other 2 hung out downstairs. When we down there was a bit of play going on and then the 2 guys played very briefly with each other. After that we made dinner, after dinner i wnet back upstairs with my gf.

After my gf and i were done playing we settled in for some cuddling and then my wife and bf came up. All 4 of us settled into the bed for some naked fun , i made love to m gf while my wife and the bf made love. it was almost midnight before we got back home.

So we are now a solid fourple with no rules and just basically love. (there is even some very light talk of the 4 of us moving in together).
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  #37  
Old 12-28-2011, 06:42 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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@Park -- My advice would be to ask her to work on dissecting her feelings and getting more comfortable, with the goal of giving you the same freedom you've given her within a broad timeline (4 months?). Its not necessarily reasonable, fair, or possible to ask her to get over her fear/jealousy/insecurity right away, but my perspective is that she should be putting in the emotional work necessary for you and the gf to eventually have the alone time and one-on-one connection that is (imho) essential for a serious relationship. Step one is figuring out why she feels this way. It will probably require some deep digging and long conversations.
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  #38  
Old 12-28-2011, 08:43 PM
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RainyGrlJenny RainyGrlJenny is offline
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This has been an interesting thread to read

My boyfriend, "Fly", and I had an open relationship from the start. It was my first major relationship in general, and I was pretty insecure. At that point, we had kind of a lot of hard-n-fast rules:
  • Safer sex (condoms for any and all penetration, no protection required for oral although I prefer to use one with men)
  • If you see the same person more than 3 times, you must tell the other partner (Fly was doing a lot of one or two night stands, but more than that I felt constituted a relationship
  • We needed to link our facebooks - he meets a lot of people online, and I wanted to stake out my territory

Since we've been together so long now, and have so much more trust, and are dealing with ongoing relationships, things have relaxed. Everything is always changing as we forge ahead, so instead of having rules (other than the safer sex one), we check in with each other out of respect and love.

For instance, I'm going out with the guy I've been seeing (I'll call him "Punk") tonight, and he's picking me up. I've spent a lot of time at his house, both by ourselves and also when his wife and kiddo have been there. Fly, however, is still not super comfortable with details and openness/sharing. We're working on it with baby steps, and it's very different when the situation is with an ongoing romantic/friendship person rather than a hookup or even a FWB.

Fly and I have decided we're not comfortable having sex with other people when the other one of us or kiddo is at home. But I didn't know if Fly was ok meeting Punk, or if it was ok for Punk and I to hang out at our house after the movie. Before, negotiating this would have been filled with drama, long conversations, perhaps written notes or emails, and would have been a very big deal. It would have resulted in a set-in-stone rule.

Instead, it was a 5-minute conversation last night. "Is it ok if x happens?" "Well, yes, x is ok, but I'd rather you didn't do y at the house, and could you text me when you guys are on your way home?"

So freaking awesome to be so chillaxed now! Our only other "rule" we have right now is that if Fly is going to take someone else on a trip (he travels a lot for a particular hobby he has, and we have a lot of friends at the places he goes to), he needs to tell me in advance. This was born out of a breach of trust where he lied to me, so that and the condom rule is pretty much it.

Punk and I don't really have any rules, except to be kind to each other
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  #39  
Old 01-04-2012, 04:30 PM
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AnnabelMore,
I really appreciate the advice. My wife and I have discussed this at length. Her primary concern seems to be a fear of lost intimacy, and she feels a little threatened by our girlfriend. Its nothing that our girlfriend has done; its just that she's younger (23) and attractive. My wife is only 29 and she is traffic-stopping beautiful, but she's still insecure where I'm concerned. Also, our GF practically lives with us. While she enjoys the time they share, my wife misses the time her and I spent alone and would like to schedule more one-on-one time for us. I've agreed to set that time aside and be aware of her needs when I schedule outings.
My wife promises to be patient, work through her insecurities, and to consider the needs / expectations of our girlfriend. She is deeply bisexual and is much happier when she has both a man and a woman in her life. While the sex is amazing, I like to believe it's more than that; we are all invested in seeing this become a positive and enriching influence in our lives.
Thanks again for taking the time to contribute.
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  #40  
Old 03-28-2012, 05:42 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Default Boundaries

I've been meaning to post in one of the "boundaries" threads for a while. Haven't read all of this one (which will be rectified as soon as I post this). But wanted to document where we are now...(since my blog hasn't gotten this far yet).

When Dude and I first "got together" and MrS and I were ironing out what this meant for us - rules were:

Condoms for PIV sex if not amongst us three.

MrS jokingly added - for me: "No anal sex with anyone else if you won't have anal sex with me!" (I've tried, I can't, they will have to get other GF [or BF ] for this...which is fine! - I don't need details.)

MrS outlined how he envisioned it would go if he met a "potential" (he would keep me abrest of things, especially if they passed the petting/kissing stage and bring her around so I could meet her before they had sex) and it sounded like a good plan. (Side Note = he has been free to do this for the last 20 years and never taken advantage of it...I am somewhat hoping that my relationship with Dude might prompt him to "take the plunge"...)

With regards to Dude...I expect him to let me know if he is having sex with anyone else. If he is with someone and it progresses to the point that he is wanting to "fluid bond" with her (i.e. for-go the condoms) then I/we need to meet her and agree (or it is condoms between us).

Now...after all was said and done MrS came up with a new request based on the realities of our situation. In essence, he would like to be informed if he is going to encounter sexual activity if he opens a door in the house (only the bedroom and bathrooms have doors), so he can be braced for it. Since we live in, essentially, a three room house - bedroom, living-room/den, library/dining-room - that means he would like to be informed if we are having sex. Dude sometimes rankles under this boundary, he sometimes views it as "asking permission" - I view it as "common courtesy"... we are working on it...

From my standpoint - we can't be glaringly obvious when we are in town - as my professional reputation (and job) would be at stake. Nobody is chafing there (although occasional reminders are required).

JaneQ
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MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


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The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe

Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 03-28-2012 at 05:46 AM.
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